Almost (Bad At Love Duology #2)

Chapter Thirteen - Sebastian

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Sebastian

THE STEADY DRIZZLE of rain from the sky is fitting for the occasion as if someone up there knew the mood today was meant to be somber.

Mimi passed last week, and I’m glad I was able to be with her. We knew the end was coming after she had a period of lucidity longer than a few hours. She had met Kiera before, but never as herself until a month ago.

Mimi told me Kiera seemed like a nice girl, and she was glad to see I had found someone. What I think she really meant was I wouldn’t be alone when she died.

Kiera and I had spoken previously about getting married, so I at least knew that if I asked her, I’d get a better answer than when I asked Thalia. So I asked Mimi if she thought she could see us together forever. Her answer was vague, telling me that only I could make that decision.

I haven’t stopped replaying the last thing Mimi said to me before she passed, though.

You deserve a great love, Bash.

I think it told me her real answer to my question, but I’m not ready to face the fact that Mimi could be wrong .

What exactly is classified as a great love? That’s what I believed I had with Thalia, and all it did was nearly destroy me. If that’s what a great love does to someone, I don’t want it. I’ll settle for a normal love with someone who wants me for who I am.

I close my eyes, feeling Kiera thread her fingers with mine, pulling me from my head. Her presence is welcome, but knowing Thalia is nearby is suffocating. I can’t ask Lia to leave because I know how much Mimi loved her and how much she loved Mimi. No matter how I feel about her, I won’t take today away from Thalia.

Adjusting my grip on the umbrella, I let out a shuddering breath as the officiant continues speaking about Mimi’s life. All of this still doesn’t feel real. I’m the last living Walker. My parents were both only children, Grandpa’s brother died in Vietnam, and Mimi didn’t have any siblings. I have always craved a large family, and I’m grateful that the Lewis’s have taken me in as one of their own, keeping me, even after my relationship with Thalia exploded, but it’s not the same. I’m not blood-related to them, and I’ve never let myself forget it.

Mimi’s being buried with her favorite kind of flowers: peonies. It was the only thing that made sense when I was asked how I wanted everything to be today. All she told me she wanted before passing was her desire to be buried next to my grandfather and my parents with flowers.

At some point, Kiera takes the umbrella away from me so I can hug Vera’s mom, Anna, who came to pay her respects. I haven’t seen Vera in years, not since she moved to California after graduating college. Our friendship never recovered, but last I heard, she was doing well.

Yet, it’s not until we’re on our way to the car with Owen and Blake that Thalia finally approaches me. Owen inhales sharply, his gaze bouncing between us as if trying to decide whether to intervene. He’s kept his promise he made from all those years ago when we were living in the same apartment to keep our friendship separate from my relationship with his sister. He’s a better friend than I deserve.

Thalia sniffles, her eyes rimmed red as she musters a broken smile at Owen, silently communicating with her brother. Whatever Owen sees in her face is enough for him to pull Blake along with him. I stay frozen in place, drinking in every detail of her.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” She glances over at Kiera, quietly adding the next part. “Alone?”

Kiera touches my shoulder to get my attention, quickly deciding for me. “Seb, I’m going to the car. Can I have the keys?”

I feel numb, pulling them from my pocket to pass them to Kiera without hesitation. She smiles kindly at Thalia, adjusting her grip on the umbrella, drawing Thalia’s attention to the ring on her finger.

Her tanned face pales, but I don’t have it in me to feel guilty today. I’ve been dating Kiera for two years, so it shouldn’t exactly be a surprise. I might not have meant for it to happen when it did, but it would have happened at some point. “It’s good to see you, Thalia,” Kiera says, and I watch silently as Thalia nods.

“Yeah, you too.”

I wait until Kiera’s out of earshot before saying anything. Thalia’s a wild card. I never know what’s going to come out of her mouth. It’s something I always liked about her, but I never thought it would also be the thing that ended us.

“Thank you for coming,” I say politely, shoving my hands in my pockets as the rain starts again.

“I wouldn’t miss it. You know what Mimi meant to me,” she says quietly, setting her shoulders back as if preparing for a fight. And why wouldn’t she? That’s what we do best .

I choose cruelty because a part of me needs to feel something other than the emptiness in my chest. If fighting with Thalia will produce some kind of reaction in me, then so be it. “It’s hard knowing what people mean to you, Thalia. I didn’t know if Mimi would be any different.” It’s a low fucking blow, and I want to take it back the moment it comes out of my mouth.

Thalia’s vivid green eyes widen in surprise. “You know, I’m going to let that one slide because I can’t imagine the pain you’re in right now, but I didn’t come here to fight with you.” She exhales sharply, and if anything, the fact she’s letting it go makes me feel worse. Thalia’s blonde hair is shorter than it was the last time I saw her, hanging just above her shoulders.

“Then what did you come here for?”

She purses her lips, looking me over before changing the topic. “How’s Zeus?”

“He’s doing well; I’m sure if you wanted to take him for a few days, it wouldn’t be a problem,” I try to offer cordially. Fighting isn’t worth it if she won’t fight back.

“Zeus isn’t just yours. I don’t need your permission to spend time with a dog that’s half mine,” Thalia says, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. That’s what pisses her off? Me saying she can have our dog for a few days instead of questioning what Mimi meant to her?

“Then maybe act like it. You can’t have a dog when you’re jetting around in a new country every week. They need stability,” I snap, letting my feelings of anger and resentment toward Thalia’s career bleed into the conversation. “I was trying to be nice. I don’t even know why I fucking bother with you anymore.”

Thalia scoffs again, shaking her head at me. “You fucking bother with me because you don’t have anyone but my family. I bet that’ll last long, though, based on the ring sparkling on Kiera’s finger. I’m sure she’ll love spending time with my family after you’re married.”

Something sparks in me, and I chase that feeling, craving anything but the hollowness in my chest. “Fuck you,” I snarl, and Thalia narrows her eyes at me.

“No, fuck you! A funeral is a great place to announce an engagement, but I guess I’m supposed to say congratulations. I hope she’s not another almost in your life,” Thalia says cruelly, turning away from me to walk away as the rain begins to pour.

I hate that goddamn word, and she knows it. I hate how she of all people can make me feel alive, when all I’ve felt is this numbness that won’t go away. I want to hate her, but I don’t. Thalia doesn’t get to act this way, though, not when it’s her fault we’re not together.

I lurch forward to grab her arm, stopping Thalia in her tracks. “Why did you come today?” I demand, refusing to let Thalia run away from me this time.

We’re completely soaked now, and she visibly shivers, but I still don’t let her go. “Because I wanted to pay my respects and tell you how sorry I am about Mimi. I didn’t expect to see you flaunting the fact that you’re engaged to Kiera.”

“I wasn’t flaunting it. I got down on one knee and proposed to the woman I love. Instead of staring at me like she was fucking horrified by the prospect of spending the rest of her life with me, she cried and said yes before we fucked. If I were rubbing it in your face, I would have sent you a video,” I seethe, and Thalia’s mouth opens a little in shock.

That’s not at all how it happened, but I want to hurt her. I want her to regret throwing away the life we had started together. I want to make her hurt as much as I do.

“An engagement is something you talk about ahead of time before asking, Bash! I’m glad you found someone who will give you what you want. If that’s all you wanted then we were never going to work.”

Except we could have.

That thought lingers between the two of us, and I drop her wrist as if I’ve been burned by Thalia. “I should be thanking you for saying no. Asking you to marry me was the biggest mistake of my life because you are the worst thing that almost happened to me.”

Thalia’s open palm connects with my cheek, snapping my head to the side. “Fuck you, Sebastian Walker. Today was about Mimi. Just because you can’t deal with how much it hurts, doesn’t mean you can say that to me. She’d be ashamed if she could see you right now.”

She walks away from me in the pouring rain as I stagger back to where Mimi’s casket is being lowered into the ground with the rest of my family, collapsing to my knees. I cry until the numbness returns, thinking perhaps it would be better to feel nothing at all.

~

“Hey, man, long time no see,” I greet, sitting down next to Chris as he sips a beer. He called me on my way back to town, and said he wanted to catch up. Kiera wasn’t home when I dropped off Zeus to feed him, but we’ll talk later. There’s a lot to discuss and I’m sure she’ll have questions.

He smiles tersely, signaling to the bartender for another beer. “Too long. You’ve been AWOL the last few days, and I wanted to see you before I went back to Tampa.”

“I went back to Greensboro for a few days to check on the house. Kiera and I got into an argument, and we needed some space,” I explain briefly, trying to leave the bit about Thalia out, but the yellow shadow on my eye probably says it all .

I have to hand it to Thalia, she has a mean right hook. Owen and I taught her well when we were kids; I never considered it might come back to bite me in the ass.

“I’ll bet. Having Thalia around again probably isn’t doing you any favors, but if she was the worst thing that almost happened to you, then I wouldn’t think she’d be a problem,” he says bluntly, quoting what I said to Thalia at the funeral as he sips his beer.

The bartender has great timing as he sets my bottle in front of me. I stare at it for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts, but there’s no excuse. “You talked to Thalia.”

“Of course I talked to her. What the hell is wrong with you?”

I avert my eyes because I’m ashamed of how I spoke to her that day. “Apparently a lot,” I mumble under my breath. “Chris, I don’t want to talk about Thalia.”

“Well, tough shit; I don’t want to talk about this either, Bash,” he snaps harshly, rubbing his temples. “Why are you marrying Kiera?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Did Eric tell him that I tried to call Thalia?

“Why are you marrying Kiera? Why did you propose?”

I didn’t propose, but I can’t admit to that without sounding like more of an asshole than everyone already thinks I am. “Because I love her. She’s a great person, and I think we’ll be happy together. It makes sense,” I list my reasons for why I went along with it.

He watches me carefully. “And why did you propose to Thalia?”

I turn away, chewing the inside of my cheek. “What do you want me to say? That I fucked up three years ago? I know that.” I know it so much, I tried to fix it last weekend, and it bit me in the ass.

“Bash, I’m by no means pretending to be an expert at this, but I think your answer about why you proposed to Kiera was missing something,” Chris says irately, and I drink as a response. “When I asked Allie to marry me, it was because I loved her with every piece of me. I couldn’t, and still can’t imagine not having her in my life. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and now I have Henry because of it.”

Thalia is with Eric. They’re together. I’m with Kiera. I’m letting her go, exactly like I should have a while ago. “Congratulations, Chris. It sounds like you really hit the jackpot.” My voice is bitter because he doesn’t understand. Without Kiera, I have no one.

“If Kiera is honestly enough for you, then let Thalia go. Whether you realize it or not, choosing to not tell Kiera about your relationship with Lia puts everyone in a hard place. Kiera’s a nice girl, but is she really what you want? Or is she just the easy, convenient option?”

I pull my wallet out of my pocket and pull out cash. I don’t have to sit here and listen to this. “Go to hell. If I wanted to be lectured, I’d talk to Blake and Owen.”

“Fuck you. They’re done dealing with this shit. Do you know how exhausting it is trying to keep you and Thalia separated from each other when we all try to make plans? It’s not our fault that you guys can’t get along, but we’re all the ones suffering for it.” Chris shakes his head at me, and I clench my jaw tightly, shoving my hands in my pockets before I take a page out of Thalia’s book and swing at him.

“You’re the ones suffering from it? The woman I’m in love with wants me out of her life for good, and I’m getting married to someone else.” The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them, and it’s maddening that he doesn’t even look surprised. There isn’t a point in trying to take it back. I said it, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. “I’m done, Chris. Thalia is with Eric now. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt Kiera. Don’t think for even a second that you know what you’re talking about, because you have no fucking idea,” I warn, walking away from him to go home.

I’m such an idiot for going there thinking he genuinely wanted to catch up. I should have guessed that Chris would have an ulterior motive .

I’m not sure why he thinks its his place to say anything regarding Thalia. I know they became close, but this is ridiculous. It’s obvious what he’s trying to do, but I’m not going to mess things up for her. I saw how happy she looked with Eric at her gallery opening. I know how happy Kiera makes me. It’s not the same kind of love, but I do love Kiera.

I want to sleep in my own bed because as nice as the mattress at my grandparent’s house is, the bed in the master bedroom feels like heaven.

Unfortunately, there are a few stops I have to make before I can sleep.

I’m going to marry Kiera in forty-six days.

Nothing is going to change that. Not even how I feel about Thalia.

~

I’m woken up by the shifting mattress, and I blink a few times to focus on Kiera, perched on the bed next to me. Her eyes are rimmed red, and she looks exhausted. I should have tried to come back sooner; I was gone almost a week .

Yawning, I push myself up to lean against the headboard, rubbing my eyes.

“Seb, I’m sorry,” Kiera says softly, tears welling up in her blue eyes. Oh hell, she has no business apologizing. Everything that’s happened is because I haven’t been honest with either of us.

“No, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But—”

I cut her off quickly. I can’t let Kiera take the fall for this, when everything was my doing. “I need to tell you why Thalia and I broke up; I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

She shakes her head quickly, averting her gaze. I hate that I’ve messed this up so badly she won’t even look at me. “You don’t need to explain. It’s none of my business.”

I can fix this. I reach for her hand, squeezing it gently. “Except it is, and I want to tell you. I should have told you a long time ago, but honestly, Thalia is a hard topic for me to talk about because the reason we broke up is that I proposed to her, and she said no.” The words feel like cotton coming out of my mouth because it feels wrong to say that Thalia said no. I believed it for so long, but I don’t know what to do with the truth. “It was three years—shit, four, I guess—years ago. This house was something I bought with the intent of living here with her, but after we broke up, I couldn’t part with it and the memories.” It’s not easy to admit, but I know the part about the ring is going to be harder. I reach over into the drawer of my nightstand to grab the velvet box I set in there earlier, with the hopes it will soften the blow.

Her blue eyes widen, and Kiera opens her mouth to speak, but I resume talking before she can. “I’m not proud of this next part, but the ring you’re wearing is the same one I proposed to Thalia with. I was planning to ask Nina to come for a visit to go ring shopping before Mimi started…” My voice falters, and I clear my throat quickly. “You found this one before I could do that, and I didn’t know how to tell you everything. I’m so sorry, Kiera; it was a shitty thing for me to do, but I’d really love it if you would still marry me?” I ask tentatively, opening the box to reveal a brand new engagement ring.

Kiera gasps in surprise, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. “You still want to marry me?”

“Of course I do, baby.”

She nods quickly, and I slip the old ring off her finger, replacing it with one that only belongs to her. “I love you.” Kiera’s crying harder now, and I shift to pull her into my arms. She rests her head against my chest, clinging to my shirt as I clutch Thalia’s ring in my hand. The diamond cuts against my skin, but I welcome the feeling. It’s the least I deserve.

“I’m so sorry, Kiera. I should never have made you doubt my feelings for you,” I apologize, stroking her back as I feel my heart rip into two pieces: the half that belongs to Thalia and probably always will, and the other half I promise to use to love Kiera the best I can.

I wish I felt relieved by explaining, but it feels as if I’ve replaced one lie with another.

She’s shaking and I hold her tighter, hoping that I can be enough for her. I should have told her everything a long time ago, but I was afraid she’d leave me. I should have believed more in the kind of person I know Kiera to be. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartbreak.

“I decided I’m going to sell the house too. Before you say anything, I already called a realtor, and I’m meeting with her tomorrow. I want us to start fresh somewhere else with no secrets—a place that’s ours,” I promise as Kiera lifts her head to look at me. I wish I could read her mind to know what she’s thinking.

“You don’t have to do that,” she whispers.

I lift my hand to gently brush away her tears. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to. I should have done it a long time ago.”

I’m finally letting Thalia go. This house is filled with memories that I can’t be surrounded by if I hope to put our relationship behind me for good. I need to do this for myself.

Chris was wrong—Kiera is enough for me. I love her, and not because she’s convenient for me to love.

Kiera leans up to kiss me, an urgency I wasn’t expecting catches me off guard. I lose myself in the moment as she repositions to straddle my waist, slipping her hands underneath my shirt still damp from her tears. Her fingernails scrape over my skin, causing me to jump as I fumble trying to pull her hair out of the ponytail it’s in.

She gasps as I tug on the strands gently, breaking our kiss while I take full advantage of the opportunity to kiss the spot under her ear that drives her crazy. “You’re beautiful,” I mumble against her skin.

Kiera pulls at the bottom of my shirt, no longer satisfied with touching me beneath it. “Take it off.”

I feel like I haven’t been this close with her in forever. Physically because I’ve been trying to respect her request to be celibate until the wedding, but mentally too. There’s a weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders, and I wish I’d known telling Kiera would be so liberating. I’m a little surprised she wasn’t more angry, but Kiera’s never had a temper. It takes a lot to push her over the edge, but the tears I expected .

“Sebastian, I need you. Please,” she says, grinding against my hardening erection. Alarms start going off in my head, and I feel my mind clear from the haze of lust.

I’m going to kick myself for this later when I’m rubbing one out in the shower, but I rest my hands on Kiera’s hips to lift her up slightly to put space between us.

“No. You said you wanted to stay celibate before the wedding. We’ll have all the time in the world to make love after making it through the next forty-six days because there isn’t a part of you that I don’t plan on enjoying tremendously once you’re Mrs. Kiera Walker,” I tease, trying to soften the blow of rejection. I lean forward, kissing her cheek gently as her mouth hangs open in disbelief.

“Are you seriously turning down sex right now?”

“I can’t believe it either, but yes, I am. You wanted to do this, and I think you were right about waiting making it more exciting. It’s only a couple more weeks.”

I don’t want to rush this. I want to do this right. And this, as uncomfortable as it might be for me at the current moment, is what she wanted. I’m not going to take advantage of her in a vulnerable moment after Kiera’s already clearly expressed she wanted to wait. Honestly, I’m in a bit of a vulnerable position as well because I want to get my head screwed on right before we’re physically intimate again. Taking baby steps could be really good for us.

“Seb,” she whines, jutting her lower lip in a pout.

I kiss her again deeply, unable to resist stealing one as I savor the fact she’s still in my life. I’ve excelled at messing everything up, but picking Kiera to spend the rest of my life with wasn’t a mistake.

Thalia is already an almost, but I’ll be damned if I let Kiera become one too .

“As much fun as this is, and believe me, it’s a lot of fun. I do need to go take care of myself in a cold shower.”

“Can I help?” Kiera asks, smiling mischievously, a far cry from the girl who was crying and clinging to me fifteen minutes ago.

I choke on my laugh because I’d love her help, but it would defeat the very purpose of stopping us a moment ago. “Nope, this is your doing. No hand jobs, blow jobs, or sexual intercourse. Nothing .”

She frowns, twisting a strand of her dark hair between her fingers. “Tell me again why you agreed to that stupid idea?”

“Because I love you, and I’d do anything for you.”

A small smile forms on her mouth, swollen from kissing. “I love you, too, Sebastian Walker. Please, don’t ever forget it.”