Chapter 42
Chapter Forty-Two
Raffe
Jenny sits by my side as the club moves around us. She helped Jesse make supper earlier, and she immediately fell in love with the kitchen. Rightfully so; Jess has set it up as efficiently as a five-star restaurant. But now that the evening is wearing on, she’s gotten quiet.
“I’m sorry. Words gotten out that you’re here, and everyone is fucking nosy, I guess.”
A few of the club women are not hiding their indignation at the rumor I might no longer be on the market. Little do they know I was never on the market. I was prepared to do the rest of this life solo.
It was a depressing thought, sure, but I knew no one could live up to the two loves of my life.
Jenny doesn’t seem to pay much attention to those women. It’s the old ladies that have her focus. Every now and then one of them turns and glances at us.
“Are you doing okay?”
She sighs and spins her chair around, turning her back to them. “They’re talking about me.”
“Your mom is over there with them. I doubt they’re saying anything bad.”
Jenny bites her nails, her knee bouncing like she’s fixing to run.
“I don’t think they’re even looking at you. It’s me they’re looking at. I’ve aged like fine wine,” I say, spinning my chair so we’re facing the same way.
“Haha.”
She rolls her eyes, and it makes my foolish heart rejoice. I know she’s feeling anxious, but at least she’s talking to me like we’ve known each other for as long as we have. She’s slowly letting her guard down and being herself.
“What if they think I’m … oh, I don’t know.”
“It’s not your job to worry about what other people think of you,” I say lazily, running my finger up and down her arm. “I know what we should do.” I stand up, pulling her with me. “We should go find you a tree.”
“Raffe,” she begins to whine.
“You know you’ll feel better when you have a tree to talk to.”
She gives in, hugging herself around the waist. The sun is low on the horizon, and there’s a chill in the air. “I can’t believe summer is almost over,” she says, sighing as we walk.
“It just means we’ll be snuggled up watching the snow fall over the lake soon.”
This lightens her mood. “Bill told me that sometimes the lake freezes over enough to ice skate on it. Oh and I’ll be here for Christmas!” she says excitedly. “Bill said the club brings in a big tree every year. Do you still do that?”
“We do.”
She touches the trunk of every tree we pass. When we get to the kids’ play area, her smile widens. “Bill helped build this too,” she says, ducking under one of the low branches.
“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you speak very fondly of Bill.”
Jenny tucks her hair behind her ear and turns to walk away from me. “He was all I had, and he was my only connection to Jackson.”
“Did you like him … or did you love him? I mean, I wouldn’t blame you. He was a handsome guy. Shit, even I had a crush on him when I first got here.”
Her steps slow, and she looks at me over her shoulder. Then she stops completely. I can see her heart beating at the pulse in her neck. “Did …” Her head falls between her shoulders. “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“No. Ask the question.”
“You had a crush on him?”
“Well, not near as bad as the one I had on Dirk, but yeah.” I shrug.
The way her brows pull together reminds me that there’s a lot she doesn’t know about me. She’s missing huge parts of my life. Especially the part where I liked men, or at least I thought I did.
She backs away from me, and at first I think it’s because she’s disgusted by me. “It’s because they made you do things … with men.” Her hands rest on her head, and her whole body begins to tremble.
“Jenny,” I try to soothe her, but I can’t deny her words. They fucked me up. I didn’t know who or what I was.
She falls back against a tree, staring up at its yellowing leaves. “They did the same thing to me with women. It messed with my mind so bad,” she whispers. “I hate that they hurt you, Raffe.”
"Jenny, I'm bisexual. I am who I am."
"I love you as you are, Raffe. I didn't mean …"
I press my finger over her lips. "I'll never know if they altered my sexuality, or if I'm exactly the way God intended me to be. But I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am." I rest my arm above her head, leaning in close. “I need you to remember what they did to me is not your fault.”
“But it is.”
“No. You didn’t hurt me. They did.” I brush my nose against hers. “Jenny, I’m sure we could tell each other a hundred horror stories from our past, but it’s over. I don’t want to waste my time with you reminiscing over our pain.”
She blinks at me. “I … um, it’s true. I was in love with Bill, but nothing ever happened between us. I was delusional to think I even had a chance. He never once made a move on me. He loved his wife.”
I slowly push my leg between hers, and her breath begins to come out in little pants. “He never made a move on me either,” I tease, barely brushing my lips over hers.
“He was …” She pauses when I lift her skirt and place my hand between her legs.
“He was nice to me, and I was lonely. I …” Her lips part and her eyes fall closed when I slowly begin to rock my hand against her.
“It … I … I don’t know, Raffe. He made me long for something more.
Not necessarily with him, but he stoked an ache … ”
I plunge my hand down the front of her underwear, and she lets out a moan that is an exact match to my desperation.
“I want you to feel safe talking to me about anything. I will never judge you, Jenny. Never. I’m the one person in this entire world you can be completely honest with. I’ll never hold anything against you.”
“It was really you I ached for,” she admits, slowly opening her eyes. “But it’s been so long,” her voice cracks, and I know it’s because she’s scared.
The tip of my middle finger slips into her, and she stops breathing. I hold myself there. “Let me soothe the ache, Jenny. You don’t have to suffer any longer.”
“Here?” she asks, and it makes me laugh.
“If you want to do it here, we can, but I was thinking more along the lines of grabbing us a few snacks and sneaking upstairs. Maybe taking a nice … hot … shower,” I whisper against the shell of her ear.
She shivers against me, and I smile.
“Okay, but I might pass out on you on the way back,” she admits, and I know she’s not joking.
“Come on. It will be just like old times when I used to sneak into your bedroom.”
“That was innocent.”
“It was, but I promise you tonight will not be.”
The adventurous Jenny comes out to play. I take her by the hand and lead her back to the edge of the tree line.
I know we’re going to have difficult conversations and discoveries ahead, but I’ll diffuse them one by one. We’ve both done a lot of healing. Now we just need to do a little of it together.
She giggles when I pull her down beside me, hiding behind the bushes.
“If we make a run for it, I think we can dip around the patch bunnies and hop the fence on the left side of the patio. It’s the old ladies blocking the door into the kitchen we’ve got to worry about.
If one of them spot us, we’ll never get away. ”
“Maybe we should skip the snacks,” she says.
“Maybe you’re right. I bet either Lily or Jess filled the mini fridge in your room. Come on.” We continue across the lawn, laughing.
I pull us behind a large tree, pinning her to it. “We’re almost home free.”
Dirk suddenly appears, leaning against the trunk beside us. “What are we doing?” he asks, lighting a cigarette.
Jenny looks at him, really looks at him, and then turns to me. “He is kinda cute, isn’t he?”
“It’s the eyes,” I tell her.
We both laugh, but Dirk doesn’t.
“You’re such a Debbie Downer,” I tell him. “But if you must know, we’re trying to sneak upstairs.”
“Sounds like you need a diversion,” he says dryly, but I see the amusement in his hooded gaze. I’ve spent a lot of time with this man.
“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Jenny says. “How are you going to do it?”
“I never said I was volunteering for the position.”
She ignores him. “Oh, I know. You could scream bear.”
He rolls his eyes. “So everyone can run inside? Isn’t that where you’re going? Try again.”
“You could …” She taps her finger over her mouth thinking about it.
Dirk winks at me, and I know this motherfucker is trying to cock block me. I mean, I suppose I deserve it. How many nights have I slept in their room, crying like a baby, lonely, and depressed?
Jenny looks at him. “I’ve got nothing, but you seem like the type of guy that can make it happen.” She blinks at him innocently.
I let out a little chuckle but quickly stifle it when Dirk cocks an eyebrow my direction.
She places her hand on his chest. “I’m a little overwhelmed. There are so many people here.”
My girl is switching tactics.
“I’ve been watching you all night. Other than scowling at the other old ladies, you’ve been fine.”
Jenny jerks her hand away from him. “They were talking about me.”
“They were, but that doesn’t mean it was anything bad.”
“That’s what I said,” I tell him.
“Well, that’s beside the point. Raffe and I need to get inside without anyone seeing.”
“Why?”
Jesus crime-a-nellie, why does this man have to be so difficult?
“I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
He rolls his eyes.
“Fine.” She turns and looks at me. “I want to make love to your best friend, and I don’t want anyone delaying our plans … like you already have.”
That’s the answer he was looking for. “Alright, give me a few.” He strolls away from us.
“Do you think he’s going to help?” she asks, peeking around the tree to watch him walk away.
“We got about a fifty percent chance.”
Dirk walks over to the group, jumps up on a picnic table, and whistles. All eyes turn his way.
“This is our chance. Let’s go,” I say, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her to the side door.
“Don’t you want to hear what he’s going to say?” she asks.
“Not in the slightest.”
When we get inside, it’s quiet. We rush up the stairs, hardly containing our laughter.
“I never thought we’d get away from Dirk,” I say, once we’re safely inside her room with our backs against the door, both of us panting.
She rolls her head to look at me. “I have missed you.”
I smile, still struggling to catch my breath. “I missed you too.”