Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
W aking to a pair of freezing cold feet frightened the crap out of me. “Fuck,” I cussed, grabbing a small ankle and realizing Layla had snuggled in.
“You said fuck,” Layla scolded, wagging her little finger at me as she stared out from under my comforter.
“Geez, Baby, you can’t do that stuff; you gave me a fright.”
“Matty told me to come and get you up if you’re taking me to school, like you promised. Squinting bleary-eyed at the clock on my nightstand, I saw it was less than an hour before it was time to go.
“All right, Sweetheart, please tell Matty to give me ten. I want three pancakes, two strips of bacon, and two sausage patties. Can you remember all of that?”
“Yep,” she replied, climbing backward off the bed with purpose.
“Gotta grab a quick shower, so no coming back and…”
“Get cleaned up and don’t be all day about it.”
I sniggered at her sassy order because I’d heard both Matty and Harper use it on Layla regularly.
My daughter left the room, and I hurried through my morning routine of showering and shaving before I made my way out to Stuart’s car with the last of my toiletries .
I was thankful I didn’t have long to be around Harper after what had happened between us. I figured the best thing I could do all round was to act normally and accept it happened. At least I didn’t fuck her. Feelings aside, we had both scratched an itch in a moment of weakness, but I felt confused by the feelings I had.
With everything packed away, I had no excuse to stay away from the kitchen, and I wanted to spend my last twenty minutes at home with Layla.
Entering the kitchen, I noticed Harper was pouring coffee on the other side of the counter, so I focused my attention on Layla. “Hey, Baby,” I cooed, bending to kiss her head and stealing a strawberry from her pancakes.
“Stop, Daddy, I only have four left,” she protested, and I grinned.
“Clever girl, you can count,” I teased, and she smacked my hand away when I reached out pretending to go for another.
“You’re taking me to school, right?” she queried.
“Yep, Stuart is driving us, and Harper will pick you up,” I informed her, glancing at Harper properly for the first time since I’d been in there.
My heart stuttered in my chest when I saw the tired, drawn look on her face and noted her eyelids were puffy. Shit, she’s been crying.
Matty had been busy with her back to us, putting my breakfast together on the plate, but turned to look pointedly at me. “You almost didn’t get any breakfast. Imagine sleeping in this morning of all mornings,” she admonished, as she put the plate in front of me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. I never got to sleep until around 3:00 a.m.
“You feeling okay?” I glanced at Matty and saw her eyeing me with concern.
“Sure, I’m just tired. It must be the cold weather.” Cocking her head, she considered my answer and nodded before walking back to the sink.
Harper took her coffee and wandered over to the couch in the den at the end of the kitchen. Sitting down, she placed her coffee on the table and picked up her phone, then appeared to be texting with someone. I ignored her presence and focused on Layla again as I ate my breakfast .
As Layla and I chatted, I could feel Harper’s eyes on me. I wanted to look over at her, but I knew if I saw a hurt look on her face I’d have needed to say something; something that wouldn’t take five minutes or be resolved before I had to leave. What was I thinking? Truth was I had let my cock do the thinking for me because I was too busy feeling.
As I was finishing my food, Harper stood up, pulled her figure-hugging sweater into place and called out to Layla. “Go get your backpack and your coat, then put your pink sneakers on.”
Layla scooted down from the table and made for the kitchen door. Matty tied a plastic bag full of trash and left the kitchen to dispose of it as Harper approached me.
“That was a shitty move you made last night,” she muttered, as she walked past me and out of the door. I never went after her like I should have, and I didn’t reply.
I wasn’t proud of the way I left, but I wasn’t the one who had made the move this time, and nothing that happened changed the fact I had to leave.
By the time I went to the hallway to pick up my jacket, Layla was swaddled up in her coat, scarf, and gloves and was ready to go. Harper reminded her she’d pick her up, and instead of addressing me, she turned and headed upstairs. As Layla made for the door, I glanced over my shoulder and watched her go. When she was out of sight I turned my focus back on Layla.
“Weren’t you even going to say goodbye?” Matty asked as she came running from the kitchen. Turning to face her, I gave a sheepish grin, and she stepped forward and hugged me. “Sorry, this one distracted me,” I lied.
“Have fun, Cole. You deserve to be happy. And don’t worry about this little one; she’ll be fine with us. She’s loved and adored, so you have nothing to think about.” I smiled warmly and nodded.
“I’ll miss her and home every day, but I know she’s in the best hands,” I admitted ruefully and my throat constricted.
Hearing Matty talk about her, Layla hugged my leg and my heart squeezed tight because the reality of what I was doing brought a swell of emotion to my chest. Clearing my throat, I rubbed Layla’s back.
“All right, Baby, let’s get this show on the road.”
Road work had meant the usual route into the airport had been blocked, and I had been left with no choice but to run the gauntlet of this public display leveled at Cole Harkin, lead singer of the band, SinaMen.
As I entered the concourse I had my first reminder of my life as a celebrity. I was a little unnerved by the groups of guys who obviously recognized me, but they stood in a huddle glancing enviously while their girlfriends fawned over me. Some looked awkward and shy, but still gravitated toward me; and there were those that suddenly ran away from their partners and came running toward me.
I’d temporarily forgotten the manhandling aspect of my job where women grabbed my face in their hands and planted rough stolen kisses on my cheeks. Having my ass felt by strangers in public wasn’t my idea of fun either, but I had experienced all of those things by the time I’d passed through the airport concourse on my way to the VIP lounge.
Once I was safely on the plane, I had time to reflect on the steamy session between Harper and me. It was stupid letting it get to me because she had been the one to force things when I was in a highly emotional state after being given Grace’s letter.
Still, I figured a few weeks away from home would hopefully give us both the space to realize we were driven by lust. Living in close quarters the way we did, it was natural there would be some magnetism in the absence of anyone else.
The flight to LA gave the guys and I time to catch up, and it was the first time since Grace had died my heart wasn’t swamped in sorrow.
I’d all but forgotten what it was like to belly laugh, until Scuds told us a story involving a fan and we roared so hard I was breathless. Grace’s letter came to mind, it was one of the things she had mentioned, and I felt free to do it for the first time in years.
As a band we owned several houses, preferring not to stay in hotels on the West Coast whenever possible. Over the years we had acquired four properties with one in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles and a place in a mountain celebrity community in the Mojave Desert .
As our label also had a studio out west, we had spent a lot of time there in the past and it gave us a break from hotel and tour bus life, if the stint away from home was a bit longer.
The transition from the airport to our place in LA was much smoother than the one I’d experienced at the start of the journey. Thankfully, the landing went smoothly and we were on the road to our home away from home in LA just after 1:00 p.m. Flying against time from east to west had bought us three extra hours on our day on the Pacific coast.
During the transfer, “Highway to Hell” blared from Fletch’s phone and he reached into his pocket and pulled it out.
“Yo,” he answered, and we all smirked, because he was a pretty nerdy looking gay guy and it sounded stupid every time he did it.
“Sure, yep, just landed,” he confirmed, nodding even though the person on the phone couldn’t see him.
“Sounds awesome. I’ll tell them, yep.” He glanced at me. “I dunno about that, we’ll do our best.” He listened for a moment and nodded again. “All right, text the address and we’ll see you later.” Without saying goodbye, he closed the call out and shoved his cell phone back in his pocket.
“Donny Chambers has invited us to an after-party gig later. It’s local, so I said we’d go.”
Scuds shrugged. “We don’t have the first interview until 2:30 p.m. tomorrow, so I’m game.”
Moz glanced at me. “You going?” I already knew this was part of the conversation Fletch hadn’t mentioned; the look of uncertainty he’d given me told me I’d been discussed.
“Sure,” I replied and felt all eyes on me. I went on to tell them about the letter Grace had left for me but left out what had happened afterward with Harper.
“Good job, Cole. I’m excited you’re coming with us. The whole band together,” Moz mumbled with a wide grin.
“No one is ever gonna judge you if you find someone else. I’m sad for you that it’s taken so long,” Scuds informed me in an encouraging tone.
“I’m not looking,” I said, quickly. “For a long time, I was so fucking angry, I couldn’t even contemplate living without Grace, yet here I am six years later, still trying to recover. Reading her thoughts before she died really shifted my views and what she’d said was correct. I can be a shadow of myself and exist, or I can learn to live without her. Unless someone walks the path I’ve been walking, it’s impossible to know how much it affects those of us left behind. But my family is right; it’s high time I got my shit together. Grace isn’t coming back, and no amount of sitting and waiting for a miracle is going to make that happen.”
Watching them all nodding, I reminded myself how fortunate I was to have these guys behind me. Never once had they complained about the disruption I’d caused to all of their lives, nor had any of them become frustrated with me as I worked through my grief. Maybe because they had seen the mess I was.
Setting my overnight bag down on the luggage rack in my bedroom, I checked the three suitcases of clothes already left there for me and wandered in to my adjoining bathroom to take a shower. Once refreshed, I pulled on some shorts and a T-shirt and headed downstairs to relax with the others.
The housekeeping staff had set out a buffet of food and I helped myself to a plateful of pesto pasta and an ice-cold beer.
It had been a long time since it was just the guys and me, and because of my mindset, it had felt more like the old times for a change. Grace wasn’t mentioned once, and listening to them talking about normal life made me realize how much I had missed.
Checking my wristwatch, I noted it was 3:30 p.m.—6:30 p.m. at home. Excusing myself from the group, I took off back to my bedroom to call Layla before she went to bed. We’d negotiated her bedtime to 7:00 p.m. while I was on the road.
Setting up my laptop, I climbed onto my bed, leaned back against the headboard, and hit the icon connecting me to Harper’s Skype with a mixture of feelings from excitement to dread and guilt after what had happened and how I had subsequently left.
Instead of Harper answering like usual, it was Layla’s face that came into view on the screen. From what I could see behind her, I knew she was sitting in my office in front of my desktop Mac.
“Daddy!” she exclaimed excitedly. “Are you with all the band? ”
“Yes, I am, Baby.”
“Did you eat yet?” she asked.
“A little. Pesto pasta. What did you have?”
“Noodles, beef and vegetables… and Lemon Drizzly cake.”
“Aw, sounds like I missed a good one. How was school today?”
“So-so,” she replied, and I chuckled at her facial expression like someone had pissed her off.
“How come?”
“Both Jaden and Tom had a fight. They both said I was their girlfriend and Jaden didn’t like it, so he punched Tom on the nose.”
“Wow, you already have the boys fighting over you.”
“Mm-hm,” she replied, “anyway, I told them they were both being silly because it was up to me who my boyfriend was, and they both told me it was none of my business and to butt out.”
I laughed softly and Layla immediately scolded me. “What are you laughing at? This is serious. What if one wins I don’t want?”
“Well, who do you want?” I asked, and she looked at me like I was nuts.
“I would rather have you. I told them I already had a boyfriend and they said I can’t have you.” My heart ached to hug her.
“Aw, you are too cute, Baby, but it’s true. I’m your dad, I can’t be your boyfriend as well.”
“Then I’m having Stephen Moody because those twins are just ridiculous.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it figured out,” I replied, and chuckled again.
After a few more minutes, we ran out of things to say, and usually when that happened, Harper interjected and helped me conclude the call. When there was no sign of her, I eventually had to ask where she was.
“Is Harper there?”
“Yep, she’s in the kitchen with Uncle Dorian.” My stomach knotted.
“She’s not there with you?”
“No, I just told you she’s in the kitchen. She said when I’m done I’m to let you close the call and not to touch anything on your computer. She’ll come and shut it off when I go back and tell her.”
Fuck.
“All right, Sweetheart, I’m going to get off now and go out with the guys.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m heading to a party at one of Scud’s friend’s places.”
“Yay. How lucky are you? I’m going to bed, but it’s night here and it’s still a little bit day there, right?”
“Right, Baby. You are so smart. I’ll call you tomorrow around the same time, okay?”
Layla nodded and brought her face right up to the screen. “Mwah,” she gushed, kissing the lens.
“Love you, my gorgeous girl.”
“Love you too, Daddy,” she replied and jumped down from the screen. I sat waiting as I heard her feet pitter-patting down the hall, and in the distance I heard her shout, “Harper, we’re done. He’s gone now.”
I sat for another five minutes thinking she’d come and switch the computer off, but when she didn’t appear I let the call drop.
A new frustration had taken precedence in my mind and I knew, although I hadn’t initiated what had gone down between Harper and me, I knew I’d fucked up.