Chapter 17
Carter
“Why don’t you ever come to the cafe?” Jax asked as I did one final check of the bag I was taking to New York.
The last thing I wanted to do was blow Jax off, but this also wasn’t the best time to be starting this conversation.
I only had about ten minutes before I needed to be in the car with Speck on our way to New York.
I wasn’t going to be late to my first meeting with my boss since December.
She had been nice enough to give me freedom for the past two months, and there was no way I was going to make her regret it. “I’ve been really busy. I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Jax stared down at my bag, which was very unusual for her. Normally, she couldn’t look away from me. “I just miss you, and sometimes it feels like you’re avoiding it, which, in turn, makes me feel like maybe you’re avoiding me.”
My heart tugged in my chest. The last thing I wanted to do was make Jax feel like I didn’t care. I wondered if that was why she still hadn’t proposed. Did she think I was pulling away? God, I really hoped not. It wasn’t like that at all.
I put my finger under Jax’s chin and forced her to look at me.
“I’m not avoiding you. I promise. I love you more than anything else in the world, and if I could spend every minute of every day with you, I would.
I’m sorry if I haven’t been a very good girlfriend.
I promise I’ll come to the cafe as soon as I can once I’m back. Okay?”
That perfect glowing smile returned to Jax’s face as she nodded. “That would be great. I love you too, Carter. You’re my whole world.”
When I pulled Jax into my arms, I had to fight back my tears. Even though I was going to be back tomorrow, I hated the idea of spending one night without her. It was why I was taking Speck with me. If I couldn’t snuggle with Jax, he was the next best thing.
I turned away before Jax could see that a few tears were running down my cheeks and grabbed my bag. I called for Speck and gave one final wave before walking down the stairs and out of the door.
The drive to New York was a long one, and today, it seemed even longer.
The whole time, all I could think about was how sad Jax looked about the fact that I hadn’t been coming to the cafe.
The truth was, I was having a lot of trouble finding somewhere that felt like home.
I was hoping going to New York would give me some clarity.
Every other time I’d come for one of these meetings, it was like a breath of fresh air.
It felt like coming home again. This drive didn’t feel that way.
I almost hoped that would change once I got there.
As much as I would have preferred Maryland to feel like home since I knew that’s where Jax wanted to be, I didn’t want nowhere to feel like home.
Unfortunately, it appeared that was going to be the case. When I walked into our old apartment, my stomach dropped. Being here didn’t feel like home without Jax. Even snuggling on the couch with Speck didn’t help.
I decided to walk to the office, even though it was frigid, so I could take in all of the old sights. After scanning into the office building and doing the usual security check, I heard my name being shouted. I looked a few feet away to find Annika waving her arms at me.
“When I heard you were coming today, I knew I had to be the first person to greet you.” She pulled me into her arms. “Although, I wish I had heard about it from you instead of some rando at the office.”
I cringed at her accusation. I was really striking out lately. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I really wasn’t being a good friend. I had done a good job of keeping in touch with Annika when we first moved, but I had even stopped that recently.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been… I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t been myself lately.”
Annika reached out and squeezed my arm. “I understand. You’ve gone through a ton of big changes these past few months. That deserves a little grace, and luckily, I am a wonderful friend who is willing to give that to you.”
It wasn’t lost on me how lucky I was. I had so many amazing people in my life who truly cared about me and were willing to meet me right where I was at. Even so, I owed it to them to try harder. “How would you feel about getting dinner tonight after work?”
Annika’s face lit up as if I had just invited her on an all-expenses-paid tropical vacation. “That would be amazing. Let’s do it. Where should we go?”
While I was trying to think of the best place to eat, I remembered Speck back at my apartment. It didn’t seem fair to drag him along just to leave him there alone. “Actually, do you mind going back to my place and ordering in?”
Annika lifted an eyebrow at me. “Are you hitting on me? Last time I checked, we were both taken.”
“I almost forgot I have Speck with me. I feel bad leaving him there alone for too long.”
“You’re such a good mom. As you can see, I am more than happy to leave my little one with Wren for the night.”
“How’s Brantley doing?” Add this to the list of things I was slacking on—checking in on Annika’s son.
“Absolutely crazy, but I have no one to blame but myself. That kid is just like me.”
“Well, while we have dinner tonight, you have to show me more pictures and videos of him. I miss that cute little face.” I pointed toward the elevator. “For now, I need to get to my meeting.”
“Of course. Wouldn’t want to get you in trouble with the boss lady.” Annika saluted me and walked away, leaving me to wait for the elevator by myself.
When I reached the top floor, I got out and headed to my boss’s office. Our meeting lasted even less time than I expected, because she was very happy with everything I had accomplished in the past two months. Thank god.
I texted Annika, and she met me downstairs to walk to my apartment together. “So, what’s been going on?” she asked as we walked.
I shrugged. “I guess I’ve just been feeling a little bit lost lately.”
“Are things okay between you and Jax?”
“Yeah. Jax is amazing. She’s so understanding. She’s honestly much more patient than I deserve for her to be.” I’m the impatient one.
Annika stared at me for a long time before she spoke again. “I feel like there’s something else you want to say.”
“It’s embarrassing.” I put my hand on my forehead and rubbed it.
“I never thought I would be this girl, but it’s driving me a little bit crazy that Jax hasn’t proposed yet.
I understand why, I guess. She probably thinks it’s a bad time because of how I’ve been acting lately.
But then I get inside my own head and start to wonder if she’s questioning whether she even wants to marry me.
I realize that’s crazy. She tells me all the time how much I mean to her.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just kind of a mess right now. ”
“So, what you’re saying is you’re human?” Annika laughed. “Thank god, because I was starting to wonder.”
“What do you mean?”
“Seriously, Carter? You’re pretty much perfect.”
“Wait. Are you hitting on me now?”
Annika laughed even harder. “Maybe I am.”
It felt good to joke around with my friend. Catching up with Annika while we ate food from my favorite local takeout restaurant was refreshing, but as soon as she left my apartment, my sadness returned.
I called Jax before bed, but we couldn’t talk long because she had to help my grandma. After hanging up, I curled up on the couch with Speck. I couldn’t bring myself to walk to the bedroom, but even on the couch, I was able to quickly drift to sleep.
When I woke up, I decided to walk to the one place that felt like home from the time I moved to New York.
Even though I wasn’t happy with how things ended for Jax at Serenity Sips, Jax had assured me multiple times that she held no hard feelings toward the owner of the cafe.
Of course she doesn’t, because she’s amazing.
She had actually encouraged me to go there on past trips to New York, but I refused.
Today, I was going to take her advice and give it a try. I packed my laptop in a backpack so I could get some work done, but I also packed a book. Sitting in the cafe, lost in a good book, had always been my happy place. If this didn’t make me happy, I didn’t know what would.
When I walked through the door, my eyes instinctively moved toward the front of the store, as if Jax was somehow magically going to be standing there.
Of course, she wasn’t, and without her magical presence everything inside seemed a little bit duller.
The color she had brought to this place was no longer there.
I tried to ignore these feelings as I waited in line for much longer than I ever did when Jax was working. When I got to the front, I ordered my favorite drink, then took a seat in my favorite spot. This should have felt nostalgic, but so far, I didn’t feel much of anything.
I decided to try to read first, but as soon as I took out my book, my name was called to grab my drink. At first, it surprised me, because I had gotten so used to having my drink brought right to the table for me. Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen without Jax working there.
I walked up to the counter, grabbed my drink, and went back to my spot. I opened my book and started to read as I waited for my drink to cool down. When I finally took a sip, I was disappointed to find that it wasn’t quite as good anymore. Oh well.
For a few minutes, I was able to get lost in the story I was reading, but I kept finding myself looking away to search for Jax.
I sighed and shut my book, taking out my laptop instead.
Time flew by the same way it always did when I got lost in my work, but when I shut my laptop, I was still sitting in a cafe.
Just a cafe. There was nothing special about it anymore. What’s wrong with me? Am I broken?