Chapter 36 Dean #2
“I don’t want to stay here,” she said slowly. “I’d rather move somewhere where I’m happy. Like Strawberry Springs.”
“You like it there?”
“I do. It feels like this place did once upon a time.”
“But you and Dad met here.”
“We did.”
“This is where you’re from.”
“It is.”
“Why would you let all of that go?”
“Why would you?” she countered.
“Because it didn’t . . .” I trailed off, but she knew where I was going.
“It didn’t feel like home anymore,” she finished with a sad smile. “And I wanna be near my grandbaby, Dean. Even if, God forbid, I live in an apartment.”
I could see why she was doing it, but my teeth gritted anyway. She was letting go of everything in favor of a town that I wasn’t sure deserved her.
“I hope it works out then. I wish I’d known sooner.”
“I had a feeling you would take it hard. And you are. On top of that, something else is going on.”
“That’s the last thing I wanna talk about.”
“Really? You drove all the way to your childhood home. It must have been big. Is it about the fight you and Grace had?”
“There wasn’t a fight.”
“Well, she certainly looked like a kicked puppy the last time I saw her.”
“That’s resolved.”
“Is it?”
“Yes,” I hissed. “Or, it should be. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I should be . . . thrilled right now. We decided to be together.”
“A couple?” She gasped and then smiled. “This is great news! Unless . . . unless you’re doing this because you feel like you have to.”
I jerked back. “What? No, I would never do that to her.”
“You come to a place that you’ve avoided for over a decade in the middle of the night. I’m gonna be convinced that it’s the worst-case scenario.”
“It’s not. At least, it’s not logically the worst-case scenario. Like I said, I don’t know what’s happening. I asked to be more and she said yes, and ever since then I’ve been feeling . . . off.”
“Off. You finally ask a girl out and you’re feeling off?” She rubbed her forehead. “Does this have to do with what happened in high school? You asked that one girl out, I can’t remember her name, and then you suddenly hated love.”
“It started out that way, but I worked through that. I don’t know why I feel this way. It goes away when I’m around her, but then when I fall asleep, I . . .”
“What happens when you fall asleep?”
“I had a nightmare.”
She jerked back, all signs of frustration vanishing from her body. Mom’s voice was soft when she spoke again. “Is that why you’re here?”
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t had nightmares since your dad died.”
Just hearing her mention him made me flinch. “That was a long time ago.”
“You’ve had a lot of life changes. And you’re about to be a father. Is that maybe why?”
I shook my head. “It has to do with Grace. Definitely her.”
“But you care about her, so what’s the problem? This is your happily ever after!”
Those were the words that finally broke me. My chest tightened. “People don’t get those, Mom.”
“Yes, they do. You’re almost there! God, Dean, what’s the worst that could happen if you let yourself have love?”
“I could lose her!” I finally snapped.
Once the words were out there, they became real. Images flashed through my mind. Ones I tried not to think of. They were the ones I’d seen in my nightmare.
Her lying on the clinic bed, but this time she was far too pale. I saw Mom falling to the floor when she got the news of Dad dying, but this time, I went with her.
And there it was. The real fear. The one that I’d been hiding from myself. I’d unlocked it, and I only felt worse. Fuck, she was pregnant. So much could go wrong.
Mom gasped at the words, eyes going wide. “That’s what you’re scared of?” she asked softly. “Dean . . .”
“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t tell me I should push past it. Not when I saw what losing Dad did to you.”
Her eyes shut and her head fell to her chest. I looked away, knowing I shouldn’t have brought Dad into this. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I always stayed away from the topic entirely. Mentioning him in passing was one thing, but that day, the worst day, was banned for me.
Until now.
“Dean, that was the hardest day of my life,” she said. “But I lived. And I’m okay now.”
“No one is okay after something like that.”
“It doesn’t feel like you ever will be. But it happens.”
“You can’t honestly tell me you would go through losing Dad again if you had the choice.”
“But I would,” she said. “I would do it a hundred times.”
I shook my head, unable to believe her. “Why?”
Mom stepped forward and grabbed my hands. “Because loving him was better than losing him. If I hadn’t, I would have always wondered what could have been. But now I don’t. I loved my time with your father. I’d go through the day I found out he was gone a hundred times for the years I had with him.”
“You would?”
“Yes, I would.” Her gaze was steady. “We lived, honey. All those days were more important than the last one.”
The words made my throat close up, and I had to turn away. Maybe I hadn’t avoided this topic just for her.
Maybe it was for me too.
But Mom wasn’t done. “He left early, before I could show him all the love I had for him. And you know what I wanna do now? I’m gonna take all that love that he left me with and give it to others.
I’m gonna enjoy the time I have now rather than holding on to a past that isn’t making me happy anymore.
” Her hand landed on my shoulder. “Are you happy, Dean? Do you truly love hiding the kind man you are underneath being a playboy?”
“No.” I could barely say it, but I knew it was the truth.
“Then why are you wasting your time? Why spend it unhappy when you and I both know that we don’t have a lot of it?”
“It’s easier this way, Mom.”
“Maybe it is easier. But it’s not better. He left us with so many memories, so many lessons of how to live a good life.”
“I don’t remember them,” I said. “I used to, but he’s gone.”
“Then let me remind you.” Her hands returned to mine and she squeezed. “Let me show you how to live, even when you’re sad. Even when you’re scared.”
I missed her. I always had, even when I said I was leaving Shady Acres.
“It’s a good thing you’re moving to Strawberry Springs then.”
She nodded, eyes misty. “The distance isn’t good for us. It makes us forget what’s important.”
Mom finally let go, but I wasn’t ready. “Wait—”
“I just wanna grab one thing,” she said. She walked away and dug through a box to grab something. She came back with a picture of Dad.
“Samuel Briggs,” she said. “You look just like him.”
It hurt to look at the picture. He was so important to me, and he was gone too soon.
“He would hate what I’ve become, wouldn’t he?”
Mom laughed. “No. He could never hate you. He would just tell you to get your shit together and go after Grace. And he would want one other thing.”
I slowly turned. “What’s that?”
Her eyes were wet, but she still smiled. “He would give you the biggest hug.”
A dim memory finally burst forth. He gave the best fucking hugs. He’d wrap us all into his huge arms and pull us to his solid, warm chest.
“I miss those.”
“He’s not here to give them, but I am.” She held her arms out. “And I’d rather give you one, if that’s okay.”
I nodded and nearly fell into her arms. The tears that I’d been hiding for years, the ones for Dad, for Julie, for me, finally broke free.
And Mom and I sat in the weight of it. She held me while all the walls broke, leaving only me.
Just Dean.
I could only hope I would be better on the other side of it.