144. Ice cream makes everything better. Right?
144
ICE CREAM MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. RIGHT?
Nate
I thought I was fine not trying for a baby anymore. It was better to have Daire than lose him and have a baby. At least that was my logic. But now that we were no longer trying, I was miserable. Sure, I tried to hide it and not let Daire see it. But it was there.
Not that Daire was any better. At first he seemed happy and horny. Which sort of made sense. Of course we were getting our sexual mojo back. We didn’t have the we need to be in this position on this day at this time to optimize our chances of getting pregnant thing going on. I hadn’t truly seen it at the time, but it put a damper on our love making for sure. Now, without all of the fertility stuff hanging over us, we could just be us and have fun.
Sex had inadvertently become a chore. No longer were we randomly blowing each other off or frotting in the shower—we needed to save orgasms for making a baby. In hindsight, it was a miracle we hadn’t both started to hate each other during that time. Although to be fair, we were probably on that road.
This was better. Really it was. I just needed to work my way through the disappointment and more importantly, help Daire do the same. It was extra difficult with all the little ones around and Neil being pregnant. But there would always be families growing, we couldn’t shelter ourselves from that, and we for sure couldn’t shelter ourselves from the family we built here. That would only make things worse.
“I’m home.” I held up a bag of ice cream from the new place in town. They prided themselves on one hundred percent handmade ice cream made fresh daily. We kept talking about trying it out, but never actually made it over there. Today felt like the perfect time to surprise my mate with some.
“Oh,” was all he said, going back to his book.
“I bought ice cream from Dairy Dave’s.” I set the bag on the counter. “Good book?”
“Fine.”
He didn’t say if it was fine that I bought ice cream or that the book itself was fine.
I went over and sat beside him. “Hey. I missed you today.” Which wasn’t a lie. I missed him every day when we were apart. I was sickeningly in love like that. Even when we were fighting I wanted to be near him. He was mine and I was his. That’s just the way it was.
“Yeah.” He leaned into my side. “It was a craptastic day.”
“Anything I can do?” I wrapped my arm around him. “Aside from bringing ice cream.” I attempted to lighten the mood. Attempted and failed.
“Thank you. Alright. Is that what you were angling for?” He snapped at me and shook my arm off of his shoulder.
“No, honey. I was trying to be funny.” I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. “I just don’t like seeing you sad.”
“You’re fucking sad too.” He stood up and walked around the couch. “It’s not just me.”
“Maybe we need to see someone,” I said. The idea had been half brewing in my mind, but now that I was slapped in the face with the reality that was us falling apart it was becoming more of a solid plan.
“You want to get a third? I’m not enough for you?” He ran straight into the bedroom.
“Way to fuck things up,” I grumbled to myself and followed him in.
“Daire, that's not at all what I meant or even something I contemplated for half a second. I swear it.” I climbed in beside him on the bed and became the big spoon. “I just meant this is hard on both of us. And maybe we need to see a counselor or something.”
“You think I’m crazy. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”
It wasn’t, but I didn’t think a lecture on taking care of our mental health being a good thing and that using terms like ‘crazy’ were a bad thing was what he needed to hear right now.
“No. I think we are both sad. Sadder than we’ve ever been, and sometimes talking to someone about that helps.”
He just let my words simmer, snuggling in closer. At least he wasn’t pushing me away again.
I’d thought he’d fallen asleep when he started speaking again. “See, that’s just it. I’m not sad. I mean, sometimes I am, but also I’m really happy. But then something little messes with my head. Like you eating cereal. I seriously thought about throwing your bowl across the room today because it was so loud. ”
“I thought you were mad I was going to work early. I can avoid cereal.” It was easy enough to do. That wouldn’t solve anything, but why make things worse.
“Except maybe tomorrow it won’t bother me. I’m just in a weird place right now. I need time.”
“And if time doesn’t work?”
“Then I’ll see someone. I know you were suggesting it because of me. And that was sweet you offered to go too, but objectively, I’m the one making everything worse.” I hated that he felt that way… that I made him feel that way.
What I hated even more was that I wasn’t sure that he was wrong.
“I love you more than anything.” I pressed a kiss to his neck. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. It wasn’t intentional. I promise to try and be less… awful.”
“You weren’t awful and I know you love me. Things are just hard right now. Maybe you could just hold me and I can take a nap? I’m really tired today.”
“Anything for you, my love. Anything for you.”
He fell almost instantly asleep and I followed shortly afterward. When we woke up, it was already dark out.
“I’m hungry.” Daire started to get up. “I think I’ll go grab that ice cream now.”
“Crap.” I rolled out of bed. “I never put it away. It’s probably a liquid mess.”
“Then it will be a milk shake.” He padded after me as I headed to the counter.
It was very much not milkshake material either. It was a gross container of tepid dairy stuff.
“I’ll take this to the dumpster and run and get some more. I’ll be back in a few.” I kissed his cheek and hurried off. My guess was they’d be closing soon.
“Funny meeting you here.” Archer was throwing what smelled like a bag with a dirty diaper into the dumpster. “I hope your deposit isn’t as gross as mine.”
I tossed my bag in. “Probably, but not by a ton. I stopped at Dairy Dave’s today and it didn’t make it into the freezer.”
“How did that happen?” he asked and so I told him.
It felt great having someone to explain everything to.
“Are you sure he’s not pregnant?” That was the last thing I expected to hear out of Archer’s mouth.
“Yeah. Pretty sure.”
“I don’t know. You mentioned he was tired and that he had sensory flairs with the cereal. That was something that drove me bonkers while in the early stages of pregnancy. Maybe you should have him take a test.”
As if it was as easy as that.
I’d been there through countless tests and each one was harder and harder. I couldn't do that to him, especially when I knew the results. “That doesn’t explain why I am the way I am,” I countered.
“You are mourning the loss of a baby you might never have. That’s entirely different.”
Why did he have to be so logical?
“I’ll think on it, but maybe don’t suggest it to him if you see him. He’s having a rough go and it might only make it worse.”
He agreed and I went back to Dairy Dave’s, arriving just as they closed. I grabbed the last three pints they had for the day and hurried home to my mate.
“I come bearing ice cream.” I held up the bag.
“I hope you got chocolate.” He was already in the drawer grabbing spoons.
I hadn’t even looked at the type when I grabbed them. “I got the last three.” I set the bag on the counter and pulled them out one at a time. “Peach, Vanilla Bean, and Maple Pecan.” I placed all three on the counter. “Which would you like?”
He slammed the drawer shut.
“None.” And he stomped off into the bedroom.
So much for ice cream making everything better.