13. Barrett
13
BARRETT
I’d told Reghan about my brother. It was easier than I thought it would be. Maybe because Reghan was nothing like the person I thought he was. He was kind and caring. I still saw glimpses of him wanting to choke me when I pissed him off, but that fueled the fire I had burning inside of me for him.
There was relief in mentioning Marshall. Trust I had given Reghan, which I hoped he wouldn’t break. If he did, I’d be done. There were no three strikes. There weren’t even two. One and done.
“What’s his name?” Reghan asked.
“Marshall. You should see his paintings. I look at them and can’t believe we’re from the same gene pool. He has all the talent.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. Not everyone could do your job. You have patience and passion for helping people.”
“You could do it.”
Reghan scoffed, “I don’t belong in that world. I couldn’t uphold the law if I tried.”
“Not now but maybe at one time you could have. I’m not the only one who wants to help. You were out there with me today, trying to find the person responsible for others going missing. You didn’t get angry or raise your voice. You were calm and people responded to you. That’s a skill not everyone has.”
“I appreciate you stroking my ego, but it’s not necessary.”
“No? What if I stroked something else?” I couldn’t resist. He left that door wide open. Of course, I was going to walk through it.
He turned, giving me a sexy-as-hell grin. “I’m not even a little pissed you said that.”
I smiled back. “I’m taking it as a win. Tell me something about you. I shared. It’s your turn.”
“That’s fair. Let’s see… My parents are still happily married. My dad’s a guard at Untouchable and my mom’s a nurse. She used to only be part time when we were younger, but after Raiden and I became teenagers and could fend for ourselves after school, she went back to work full time, taking care of those who needed it.” We had files on everyone at work. While I knew some things about Reghan and his brother, I didn’t know it all. Digging into someone’s past only brought up so much.
“That explains a lot.”
“What do you mean?”
“The more I get to know you, the more I see another side of you. It meshes with having a loving family.” I had to bite my tongue not to tell him it was something I didn’t have. He could have already come to that conclusion after I told him about Marshall, but I didn’t flat-out say my parents were pieces of shit.
“They’d like you.”
I reared back, getting closer to the door. “Oh no. I’m not meeting your parents. We’re not anything. There’s no reason for you to bring up if your parents would approve of me or not.” I was on the defensive now. Meeting his parents? Hard pass. Reghan and I couldn’t be in a relationship, so there was no point meeting the people he was closest to. I already knew his brother. That was good enough.
Reghan’s hand tightened on the wheel. “I’m not asking to introduce you as my boyfriend, Bear. Jesus. I’m just making conversation. My parents love everyone.”
“Including Jordan?” He wasn’t exactly a big ball of sunshine.
“They don’t know him very well. They know what we do, but Raiden and I try to keep them separate. It’s the best way to keep our parents out of the shit Jordan gets himself into.”
“You’re brave. I worry all the time about Marshall.”
“No, I just have a dad who would kick the living shit out of anyone who tried to hurt my mom. You see how protective Jordan is over Hartley and Vail. Apply that to my mom and dad. He’d level anyone who came for her. But my mom isn’t weak. She could beat the hell out of someone if need be. My parents work out together in their home gym. They lift weights, punch the heavy bag, you name it. My mom is kind, but she’d fuck someone up.”
I chuckled. “Okay, maybe I want to meet them a tiny bit.” I shouldn’t. It wasn’t good to get myself invested more than I already was with Reghan. Damn, they sounded great though.
I couldn’t imagine having parents like his. Ones who would fight for those they loved, who would go above and beyond for the people they cared about. Marshall and my lives would have been so different if we had that.
How many nights did I lay in bed and wish we were with our aunt and uncle permanently? How many times did I wish we were born to other people? Hell, I even thought about my parents dying when we were younger and us being free of them. Then we could live with our other family members, the ones who actually gave a shit about us.
“Hey,” Reghan said and gave my thigh a shake. I wanted to push into it, for him to leave it there.
I blinked a few times, focusing on him again. He’d taken the exit, bringing us closer to Dremest. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You can talk about what’s bothering you.”
“Maybe another time.” Or never. I had to keep reminding myself we couldn’t go there. We couldn’t be more than men who worked together for Jordan. As far as almost everyone else was concerned, Reghan and I didn’t know each other.
“Don’t,” he whispered.
“Don’t what?”
“Close yourself off again. We’ve been doing good. I don’t want to go back.”
“There’s no forward though. Only right where we are.”
“Haven’t you ever lived in the moment?”
I looked out the window and watched as we approached where my car was. I didn’t want to get out of the Jeep. However, staying longer would hurt. It wasn’t easy pulling myself away from Reghan when we were fighting. Now that I knew the other side of him, yeah, I was going to need a crowbar.
“Only when I have to,” I told him. “For work mainly. I'm always planning for a what-if future.”
Reghan pulled into the lot where my car was. He shifted into park and turned in his seat to look at me. “If you’re always planning for the future, you’re not living for today.”
“There’s a lot to be said for security and peace of mind.”
“Sure, but there’s also a whole life you’re missing out on.”
God, I was tired. Bone-deep, wanted to sleep for days kind of exhausted. In my current state, I couldn’t do that. What if the phone rang and I had to go to work? What if Jordan called and needed me? I never knew when I'd be pulled away from home, so I slept on the lighter side, as if my body was waiting to be woken up.
I faced Reghan, my cheek resting against the seat. “I’m doing okay. I have my brother and my job.”
“You’re living for other people. Your job is just that, a job. It’s not all you are.”
“I don’t need a lot. Marshall’s who matters.”
Reghan lifted his hand, paused, then brought it to my jaw to lightly graze his fingers over it. “Who takes care of you?”
For a few seconds, I let him stroke my skin, reveling in the warmth of his fingers on me. I would have thought the first time he touched me, when it wasn’t in anger; I would have had goosebumps break out along my skin. A visceral reaction I couldn’t control. Instead, I immediately relaxed. Reghan was the balm I desperately needed but couldn’t fully give in to. We were already on a dangerous path by going out today. It was a calculated risk. If the people I worked with found out, I’d be questioned. I couldn’t mix with the enemy.
It didn’t matter that Reghan and I didn’t hate each other. As far as my job was concerned, being with him was a huge problem. Or they'd think I was trying to gather intel. One look at us when we were together, and they'd realize that wasn't happening.
Leaning away, I removed myself from his touch. “We can’t do this. If they found out, I’d lose my job. I need to take care of Marshall.”
“We could be discreet.”
“How would that work? We only see each other in back alleys and the warehouses Jordan owns? And what about him? He wouldn’t want you with me.”
“I’d have to talk to him; figure shit out there. I don’t think he’d fire me.”
I shook my head. “This is insanity. We shouldn’t talk about it anymore. Both of us losing our jobs? No, that’s not going to happen. It’s too risky. And for what? We don’t even know if we’d work. It’s too big of a gamble.”
“You’re nothing like I thought you were.”
“Ditto. I had you all wrong. You’re still hot though. That didn’t change.” I sighed. “I should get home. I have to work tomorrow. Thanks for going with me today. It sucks that we didn’t find anything out, but at least we tried. Hopefully, one of those people will remember a clue or see something and reach out.” Reghan had given them his card, a fake one with a fake name and the number to a line that fed to the security center in Jordan’s building. It was one they weren’t using for anything else.
Before he could respond, I turned for the door handle to open it. I didn’t get very far. A hand on my forearm pulled me back, and before I knew what was happening, Reghan’s mouth was on mine. Tears stung my eyes at how badly I wanted this. How much I wanted to part my lips and invite him inside. How I wanted to stay in this moment and fucking drown in him.
I turned away before we could do more. “I can’t.” My eyes didn’t meet his. I stared at my shoes. I couldn’t look at the rejection I undoubtedly put on his face. It would only hurt more.
Opening the door, I got out and shut it behind me without looking back. The tears didn’t break free. I blinked them away and forced the lump in my throat down. Never had I walked away from a man I desired. If I wanted sex, I had it. If I wanted my ass pounded, I found a guy who was up for the task. As much as I wished it could have been only about sex with Reghan, that wouldn’t happen. Nothing with him would be simple. He was an entanglement I could get so lost in that no one would find me.
I unlocked my car and took a seat, starting the engine. Looking straight ahead, I focused on the windshield without seeing what was beyond it. My mind was a jumbled mess. My body strained to return to Reghan. And my heart was withering and dying in my chest.
The saying was you create your own hell. Well, I created mine and had to live with the consequences.
The feel of Reghan’s lips against mine.
The way his hand gripped my arm firmly but not enough to bruise.
How he tried to pour his emotions into that kiss, even though I wasn’t receptive to what we could have.
I knew damn well what I was turning down. It was for the best; at least, that was what I told myself as I drove home.