13. Rob
13 ROB
Why did I do this to myself?
I asked myself that question at least five hundred times since yesterday afternoon, when a nasty bout of nausea woke me from a midday nap. I nibbled on crackers and threw back ginger ale like it was shots of tequila on my first shoot in Mexico, but nothing worked. I was full of carbs and carbonation, but I still felt sick. Nothing helped.
And then the headache started, intense and pounding, so bad that my vision blurred as I stumbled down the stairs and curled up on the sofa, where I stayed all afternoon and into the evening. I only got up to go to the bathroom and to keep myself hydrated in between trips to empty my already empty stomach. I was hot and then cold, sweaty and then shivering, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
I had never felt so awful in all my life. Not even the flu that had taken me down junior year of high school was this bad, and when the next morning came and went, and the sickness persisted, I started to get scared.
“Phone,” I groaned, trying to sit up several times before I succeeded. My gaze scanned the living room and what I could see of the kitchen counter in search of my phone. “Dammit.” It wasn’t anywhere I could see, and now that I thought about it, I hadn’t heard it ring since sometime yesterday.
My eyes slid shut as I replayed my steps from yesterday before my nap. I had lunch with Hailey and Torey and rushed home in time to make a video call with a new sustainable makeup company that was interested in a social media partnership. I remember tossing my keys in the bowl on the table beside the door before rushing upstairs to freshen up for the video call. “And fighting to disentangle from my handbag.” It was upstairs, which in my current state might as well be the top of Everest.
I sank back against the sofa with a half-sigh, half-grunt noise that would’ve scared any pets if I’d gotten around to getting one yet. With nothing else to do, I slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep. I didn’t know how long it lasted, but the next thing I knew, a loud pounding interrupted my peace.
I gasped and sat up immediately—too fast, it turned out—and I was instantly dizzy. The knocking continued, and I reached for the glass of water on the table, feeling just how dehydrated I was as soon as the liquid hit my tongue. “Hang on!” I shouted, hoping whoever it was had heard me and stopped the damn knocking.
It stopped, and my whole body relaxed enough that I could sit up. I took my time as I planted my feet on the floor and pushed until I stood. “Okay, feeling good,” I said to encourage myself. With each step, I felt better, and I walked a little faster. Too fast, and I slowed just as I reached the door.
“Rob, are you okay?” Levi’s voice sounded on the other side of the door, heavy with worry.
I opened the door quickly and sucked in a breath at the sight of him. His red hair looked as if he’d run his fingers through it a hundred times. He looked like he hadn’t slept well, and his skin was paler than usual. “Levi? What are you doing here?”
He let out a harsh sound that might have been a laugh but could’ve been a scoff.
Right. “Oh, last night’s shift, of course!” I stepped back and waved him inside just as another wave of nausea hit. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply until it passed. “Sorry. I should’ve called, but I hadn’t planned on sleeping through the night. I’ve just been…not good.”
“I don’t give a shit about that, Rob,” he growled. “Hailey covered last night and said she would tonight too. You haven’t been answering your damn phone.”
I leaned against the wall and let out a heavy sigh. “I, uh, I don’t know where I left it, and I just didn’t have the energy to go back upstairs.”
His brows furrowed angrily, and then he walked away—but not through the front door. Oh no, he stalked straight through my living room and up the stairs.
I tried to follow him, but I only got as far as the living room, where I reclaimed my spot on the sofa, wondering if he was really so upset that I’d missed a shift at the bar. The minute he came back downstairs, I began to talk. “Look, I really am sorry about leaving you short last night. That’s not how I operate.”
“I don’t care about the damn shift, Rob!” He handed me the phone with one hand and the charger in the other. “You weren’t answering my calls, and I thought…” He sighed and dropped down beside me on the sofa. “I thought something happened to you.”
The tension I didn’t realize had been holding my shoulders back snapped, and I was able to relax a little. “I’m sorry, Levi. It was just…really bad, and I couldn’t do anything but curl up on the sofa. I slept on and off, hardly moving just to keep from getting sick.” I shuddered just thinking about how awful I felt over the past twenty-four hours.
“Are you feeling better now?”
I shrugged. “Better than that? Yeah, but that’s not saying much.” We stared at each other for a long time, both of us seeming unsure what to say. I hated this. Just days ago, things were wonderful between us. We spent our time together laughing and getting to know each other, having amazing sex, and just enjoying connecting with another person. “What’s going on, Levi?” I couldn’t live like this, constantly questioning if he was here because he actually cared about me or because I was carrying his child.
“Fuck if I know,” he admitted with a dry laugh. Levi sat back against the sofa and took my legs, placing them in his lap. His hands absently stroked my legs, his gaze on some spot just beyond my coffee table. “I have no fucking clue, Rob. I thought taking a few days to think about it would give me some clarity, but it hasn’t. At all.”
My heart sank. I knew what that meant, even if he wasn’t ready to say it yet. “Oh. Okay.”
“The only thing I know,” he went on as if he hadn’t heard my quiet words, “is that I needed to see you. I needed to make sure you were all right. I just—fuck—I needed to be here with you, Rob.”
My heart pounded in my chest, and I actually heard the blood rushing through my veins. His words were unintentionally sweet, sweeter than anything any man had ever said to me. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, but I know what I want.” You, I wanted to say. Instead, I said, “I want this baby.”
He stared at me, his expression completely unreadable. “You expect me to walk away?” He sounded hurt, and that wasn’t my intention.
“No. You’re a great guy, Levi, and I know you don’t want to walk away from this responsibility,” I admitted out loud. “But I also recognize that this might not be something you want for yourself or your life. We haven’t been seeing each other all that long—not even long enough to actually define what this is. But I know that this baby, that being a mother, is what I want. And if you don’t want it, I get it.” I looked away to blink back the tears that threatened to fall. I wouldn’t do that to him—make him feel manipulated by my tears.
Levi said nothing for a long time, his jaw clenched tight and his eyes hard, unreadable when I searched his handsome face. “And if I do want it?”
I let my heart dare to hope just for a moment. Did he mean he wanted it with me or just the baby? Did it matter when he’d be giving my baby a father? Right. “If you do, then we’ll figure out how to do this together.” Doing this with a partner would be easier.
At least until he moves on, the cynic who lived in my heart reminded me unnecessarily.
“Okay. Then what do we do now?”
I knew what he was asking because it was the question that burned deep in my gut. I wanted the answer just as much as I didn’t want to hear it. “Well, I think you’re a great guy, sweet and sexy, and if things work out between us, that would be amazing. But if it doesn’t, then you’ll give me good memories of dating while I dive into single motherhood.”
He laughed. “You’ve got it all figured out.”
“Nope,” I replied, letting the ‘p’ pop loudly. “But I know what I want, so I’m figuring it out as I go.” With or without him.
Levi nodded as he studied me. “Do you want to do this with me or without me?”
“I want to do it with you, but only if that’s what you want. I don’t want to suffocate under the weight of being somebody’s burden or obligation. I want someone who’s here because there’s no place else they’d rather be.” That had always been my dream for myself, and it was also what I wanted for my baby.
His green eyes bore into my soul for so many moments that I could hardly breathe. “Then I’m here, Rob. And make no mistake, this is right where I want to be.”
Oh.
Wow.
I had no response for that.