24. Lincoln
24
LINCOLN
I kicked back in one of the chairs on Cope’s back patio and stared into the night as if it held all the answers to my problems. And maybe it did if I stared long and hard enough. If not, that’s why I had bourbon.
My fingers curved around the glass as if it could reassure me. I lifted it, tipping back a sip and letting the flavors of plum and cinnamon play on my tongue. The heat tracked down my throat, warming me from the inside. And that was a good thing, given the cold set in once the sun sank behind the mountains.
But the cold helped, too. It numbed the edges. Just not enough. And the bourbon wouldn’t either, not even if I downed the whole bottle.
I didn’t hear her until she lowered herself into the chair next to mine. Brutus instantly sat at her feet as she switched off a small flashlight. The moon was almost full, casting Arden in a glow that any artist would kill to paint. She eased into the chair, pulling her knees up and curling her body. “Whatcha got there?”
She voiced the words without looking, simply staring out at the horizon .
I wanted to chide her for walking over here in the dark, even with Brutus and her training, but I couldn’t stop staring. I took in how the moonlight danced across the apples of her cheeks, revealing the scattering of tiny freckles there and the way her body curved like a goddamn sculpture, one I wanted to trace with my fingers and tongue.
Fuck.
“Bourbon,” I rasped.
Arden’s gaze came to me then, a small smile playing on her lips. “Didn’t take you for a bourbon drinker.”
“What’d you think was my drink?” I was suddenly curious what she would peg me with. But I was curious about everything she thought. Every wild thing that swirled in her beautiful mind.
Her smile widened a fraction. “I don’t know. Champagne? Some ridiculously expensive scotch?”
I took a sip, letting the flavors swirl and heat again, then set the glass on the arm of my chair. “If it makes you feel any better, this is ridiculously expensive Kentucky bourbon.”
Arden laughed, the sound wrapping around me and digging in. “It’s a comfort to know I’m right about some things.”
She reached over and took the glass. Lifting it to her lips, she tipped it back. The sip wasn’t small, but she wasn’t shooting it either. She wanted to experience everything the bourbon had to offer. I could admire that approach.
I watched as she swallowed, her throat working on the action. A hint of wetness remained on her lips as she pulled the glass away. I’d never been jealous of an inanimate object before, but damn, I was jealous of the bourbon in that moment.
She set the glass back on the arm of my chair. “So, you want to tell me why you’re glaring into the dark?”
I didn’t look away from her, couldn’t if I tried. “Only if you tell me why you went looking for me there.”
Arden stared back at me for a long moment as if she could read every thought in my head. “Saw shadows in your eyes tonight. Ones I recognized. Didn’t want you to be alone with those demons—at least not if you didn’t want to be. ”
God, she was a kick to the solar plexus. Her brash honesty. Her authenticity. Her kindness. “You were right earlier. I’m worried Ellie will end up like my mom.”
Just saying the words out loud was both freeing and agonizing. Because once they were out there, it was as if there was more of a chance of them coming true.
Arden shifted, her whole body turning to face mine. “Does she know what your mom went through? What your dad put her through?”
Right to the heart of the matter. Always picking up on the most important details.
My fingers curled around the rocks glass. “No.”
Arden’s mouth thinned. “Why not?”
I’d thought about it more times than I could count. It might fix some things, but it would break far more. “She was so young when it happened. Too young to really remember a lot of the bad times.”
“Are you sure about that?” Arden asked.
I braced, my fingers tightening around the glass. “What do you mean?”
She shifted slightly and glanced up at the main house as if looking for Ellie, checking if it was okay for her to share. But there was nothing but moonlight. “We talked a little tonight. She seemed to know that her family life growing up—and now—were lacking.”
An invisible fist ground into my sternum. I’d worked so hard to protect Ellie and give her a safe place to run to whenever she needed. “It wasn’t enough.”
Arden’s brow furrowed. “What wasn’t?”
“Me.” The pain of that one word was almost too much to take.
Pain swept through Arden’s eyes, but quick on its heels was heat. “That’s bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. That’s bullshit. It takes two seconds of seeing you two together to know you’re her safe place to land. She feels safe with you.”
“Then why the hell won’t she stay? She’s going back to New York tomorrow. Back to that dick weasel, Bradley, and our dad. ”
Arden’s lips twitched. “I’m sorry, did you just say dick weasel ?”
“Maybe I should ask Lolli for that painting,” I muttered.
Arden choked on a laugh. “That would be a sight.”
We were quiet for a moment, but neither of us looked away. And there was comfort in the simple connection, the contact of it.
“I’ve looked after her my whole life. It kills me that I can’t protect her now. Shield her,” I said, the words quiet in the night air.
Arden’s face softened. “You’ve been more father than brother.”
“Maybe.”
“But at some point, you have to let her fly. Test her wings. She’s stronger than you think. She’ll figure it out.”
I knew Arden was right. Knew I couldn’t make these decisions for Ellie. She had to find the path herself. But I worried about the wolves lining it. Ones who could twist her life into something unrecognizable.
“I just keep seeing my mom’s accident over and over in my head,” I admitted.
Arden hugged her knees to her chest. “I know that feeling. It’s like you can’t escape it, no matter what you do.”
I lifted my chin in agreement. “Ran ten miles in Cope’s gym tonight. Didn’t even touch it.”
“Do you think telling Ellie might help?” she asked softly. “This is a lot to hold on your own. A lot to pretend you don’t know. Holding it in is eating you alive. I saw that when you were sparring in Kye’s gym.”
My back teeth ground together, annoyance and frustration swirling. Because she was right. I knew it was eating me alive. This infectious secret tainted everything around me. But giving voice to it felt like I’d be blowing Ellie’s world sky-high.
“I’m scared of the dark,” Arden said suddenly.
I blinked a few times, pulling those pieces together, understanding why that was. Being locked in a hidden closet while watching your mom slip away right in front of your eyes and being powerless to help her, feeling the terror that you were going to die along with her… That would cement fear in anyone. Now I knew why there were lights everywhere in Arden’s orbit. Night-lights. Automatic lights outside her house and workshop. Flashlights in the junk drawer in her kitchen .
“But here’s the thing about the dark. It’s only scary until you turn on the light.” She pulled a set of keys from her pocket and flipped on what was a surprisingly bright mini flashlight.
She flipped the beam off but didn’t look away from me. “Pull everything out into the light. Maybe it’ll feel like less to hold if you trust Ellie to carry it with you.”
Arden pushed to her feet but didn’t retreat like I expected her to. Instead, she moved deep into my space, walking right up to my chair, her legs bracketing mine. She placed her hands on the arms of the chair and bent. All I could do was watch and wait as my fingers itched to grab her. To pull her onto my lap or take her against the chair. All I knew was that I wanted to drown in Arden.
Her hair tumbled around us, the strands teasing my chest. I smelled cherries and the promise of all that was her . I didn’t breathe, didn’t move. Wouldn’t risk a damn thing until I knew which way she’d tip.
Her lips pressed to the corner of my mouth in a featherlight touch. It was the barest contact, yet my body went wired. Every nerve ending stood at attention, yearning for more of the drug that was Arden.
She straightened slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. It was as if I was losing her and getting it all at the very same time. Pleasure and pain warred with each other, just like in her painting.
“You’re not alone. Not if you don’t want to be.” And with that, she walked away, flashlight on and Brutus trailing after her.
But I was still frozen to the spot. Gripped by a touch that was barely a kiss. My tongue flicked over the place where Arden’s lips had been, needing more of everything that was her. A groan slipped free. That taste: sunshine, bourbon, and cherries on the darkest night.
Arden might’ve told me to turn on the lights, but she didn’t know that she’d already done that for me with her presence alone.