Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
DECLAN
After Andy agreed to spend the day with me, I had to excuse myself so I could go to the bathroom and adjust my aching cock, which threatened to tear through my pants.
I wasn't sure what came over me when I invaded her personal space and whispered in her ear, but the moment her eyes stared into mine and her sweet, cherry-vanilla scent invaded my senses, I was a goner.
All rationality left me, and I could only think about being around her longer. Getting to see her let her guard down for me and let me see the demons she dances with and the scars she wears like a shield of armor.
Her brown curls tickled my nose, and my mind went blank. All I could focus on was her, which surprised us both. Something tells me that she's not used to having someone genuinely want to spend time with her just because they like to be around her.
Once my cock is adjusted, I return to Max and Andy, finding them now in the furniture section. In the basket Andy holds is a pink karaoke machine, which makes me chuckle.
The sound causes Max to look back at me with a broad smile across her innocent face. "Best friend, look what I got!" She points to the small machine in the basket. "We can sing together," she announces, bouncing on her tiptoes the way I noticed she does when she's excited.
Andy rolls her eyes, shaking her head.
"I can be like you!" the little girl exclaims with glee, punching me in the heart with her innocent, pure words. Once upon a time, Luca had said something similar, and the thought of him ever becoming like me was a nightmare.
My son had only seen the good in me and wanted to be like me. So fucking bad, I wanted to be the hero he looked up to. A good man who didn't battle demons every fucking day, who had to take drugs or drink to cope with living. To him, I was everything, and he loved what I did.
Luca spent hours sitting on my lap or at the table with me as I wrote lyrics, giving me a thumbs-up each time I figured out a bridge I loved. He didn't understand the meaning of the words, but he still looked at me like he did.
No matter how many verses I came up with, he'd give me a thumbs up and say, "That's it, Daddy! That's the best song in the world." His pure spirit had always calmed me.
Until my demons begged me to let loose and snort some shit I shouldn't have.
Not a day goes by when I'm not reminded about what I did or stole from Camille. From myself.
Because of me, a mother will never watch her son grow up.
She'll never get to see him graduate high school.
Hear about his first kiss.
Watch him go to college.
Walk him down the aisle at his wedding.
Witness him become a father.
The possibility of Luca ever having a future is over because of me.
Because I'm worthless.
Because I'm weak.
Because I'm unable to say no.
Weak. You're so fucking weak.
My mother was weak, and I never wanted to be like her.
You already are.
No. No. No.
It should've been me who died that night. A mother shouldn't be living without her child.
It should've been. It's not too late.
I'm fucking spiraling.
My hands clench and unclench, my jaw locked tight.
A warm hand rests on my forearm, dragging me away from where I stand. "Look at me," a voice commands, yanking me out of the darkness that threatens to consume me and bury me alive.
With a blink, I'm staring into big brown eyes.
My eyes connect with the smart-mouthed girl working her way under my skin.
"Breathe, Declan." Her fingers pry my fists open until she's holding both of my sweaty hands in hers. Her eyes never leave mine as she takes deep breaths, pausing each time until I follow along, breathing with her.
How fucking embarrassing.
I want to get high, yet this stranger is giving me fucking breathing lessons, forcing me to return to reality instead of continuing on my downward spiral.
My veins ache to be stabbed with a needle and injected with the poison that nearly claimed my life.
"Tell me three things." She squeezes my hands. "What do you see, hear, and smell?"
Her words surprise me, but her voice is the only thing anchoring me right now. I need some fucking air.
She squeezes my hands again when I don't answer.
"Tell me, Declan. Don't think, speak."
I do as she says, focusing on her as I respond, "I see you. Hear you. Smell you." She keeps my sweaty palms against hers, anchoring me to reality when I only want to float away and allow myself to sink further into the dark hole I've spent my life trying to crawl out of.
Her permanently stiff posture around me softens with a heavy exhale. "I'm here, Declan," she whispers, her fingers tracing invisible shapes on my skin.
After a few more deep breaths, my heartbeat returns to normal, and my heavy breathing is now silent and uneven. Instead of darkness creeping in and my demons whispering in my ear, all I can see is Andy.
Andy is holding my hands.
Andy staring into my eyes.
Andy helped me through the darkness rather than leaving me to go through it alone.
Andy. Andy. Andy.
The one who can save me.
Clearing my throat, I stare at her, committing every feature to memory.
The freckles across the bridge of her nose and the tiny freckle on her right eyelid. Plump pink lips that appear so fucking soft and sweet.
At this moment, I know without a doubt that if I'm not careful, she'll become my new addiction. And it'll be one that I'll never recover from.
"Mommy? Best friend?" A small voice breaks us away from our moment. At the sound of her daughter's voice, Andy pushes my hands away like I burned her and practically jumps away from me.
"Hey, baby." She greets her daughter, squatting down to kiss her cheek.
Worried brown eyes find mine. "Are you okay, best friend?" Concern is evident in her eyes, which shatters my heart a little more, knowing she's concerned for me.
"Baby, Declan will spend the day with us. Would you like that?" Max cheers, her hands clapping while she jumps up and down.
A protest is on the tip of my tongue. I got triggered over something so fucking simple that she said. How can I be around them right now? How can Andy allow me to be around them when it's clear that my state of mind is questionable?
Andy looks at me over her shoulder as if she can sense my thoughts. "It's okay," she whispers. "You shouldn't be alone."
Without another word, Andy takes Max to the counter to pay for the karaoke machine while I go outside to grab some much-needed gulps of air.
When they return, Andy places the shopping bag and her purse in the backseat, then loads Max into her car seat, all while I fixate myself by her side. Something about her is comforting, and although she scowls at me and might hate me, she calms my racing mind.
I fucking need that right now.
Closing the door, she looks at me. "I'm not going to ask if you're okay because it's obvious you're not. Right now, I can tell you need someone.”
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you going to spend time with me and help me?"
Sadness fills her eyes, making me desperate to find out everything about her and why making sure I remain in good mental health is important to her. "Because I know what it's like to need someone and not have anyone. Loneliness hurts, so if I can be that person to be there for you when you need someone, then I will." She pauses. "Even if I have been judgmental and possibly rude."
"Possibly rude?" I scoff. "You've been judging me from the moment you laid eyes on me."
Her eyes soften. "I'm sorry." Her white teeth bite into her bottom lip, her gaze fixated on her shoes. "I guess I allowed the media to fill my head with stories about you and bought into them. They don't paint a good image of you, so I believed it. Gullible, I know, but I admit it."
"So, you do know who I am?" That gets her attention. Her beautiful eyes return to mine.
"Of course I do." Her lips twitch with a smile she's trying to fight. "Your songs have helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life."
That's news to me. When we first met, I searched her eyes for any hint of recognition and found none. Not to be cocky, but typically when I encounter someone who knows who I am, they're starstruck.
"Do I need to worry about you being an obsessed fan and taking me hostage? Maybe you'll sell my location to the tabloids?" A playful grin spreads across my lips. "Maybe this was all part of your plan. Get me in your car, drive me to your house, then tie me up."
That earns me an eye roll and a slight grin. "Absolutely." She nods. "That is what I'm going to do. Better hurry and get in the car. Don't want to keep me waiting." Blessing me with another of her small smiles, she climbs into the driver's seat and brings the car to life.
"Fuuuuck." I exhale, discreetly adjusting my dick, before walking around and getting into the passenger seat.
This girl is going to fuck me up.