Chapter 5
FIVE
ALEX
So much for the pressure of being under the gun.
Faced with an older, wiser, more beautiful Ciara McBride, I hadn’t been able to come up with a single bloody thing to say.
I was a bawbag of the highest order, falling back on my training not to react. Just so I didn’t have to admit to her brother that we’d once shagged each other’s brains out. He’d beat me to a bloody pulp, and I would absolutely deserve it. But I hadn’t missed the flash of hurt in her bonnie blue eyes when I’d pretended not to know her.
Fuck. Fuck.
I hadn’t really expected to run into her like this, in front of Ewan and all these other people. All these years, I’d hoped for a chance to speak to her privately. Not that I had any better idea of what to say to her now than I had when my life had gone completely off the rails. If I hadn’t already known that I owed her an apology for my behavior, the carefully neutral but still frosty look she’d shot in my direction as she had a drink with her friends—coworkers?—certainly would have told me.
I had reasons for going back on my word. Unfortunately, she didn’t have the security clearance to allow me to tell her what most of them were, which just made the whole damned thing worse. I couldn’t regret the countless lives and careers saved because of what I’d done, but if I’d known what would happen when I’d gotten that job offer, I’d have turned it down flat. The things I’d lost because of it were a far higher price than I would have been willing to pay.
If I’d followed my heart instead of my pride—if I’d chosen her—everything about my life would be different now.
But I hadn’t. And here we were.
I didn’t know how to make it right, only that I had to say or do something. So when I spotted Ciara pushing back from the table and heading for the door after finishing the drink she’d ordered, I turned to make my own excuses.
“Okay, I really am done for the night. I want to head back to pack. That way, I can do whatever I need to do to settle in tomorrow so we can dive into work on Monday.”
My mates made a few more ball-busting remarks but didn’t try to get me to stay. I made for the door, stepping outside just in time to see Ciara rounding the corner of the building.
I rushed to catch her. “Ciara.”
She stopped in her tracks, halfway down the alley. Her shoulders rose and fell, as if she were breathing hard.
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could think to say, and it wasn’t nearly enough.
Ciara swung around, and there was no careful neutrality now. Every line of her lovely face was dialed to livid. “You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for, Alex? Why dinna you spell it out for me?”
I’d known this was coming, and still, I didn’t know the right thing to say. “I’m sorry for disappearing on you. You deserved better than that.”
Her hands curled into fists, and I wondered if she’d actually use them on me. “Why the hell did you even say you wanted to see me again in the first place? I never expected more.”
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I thought back to that day in her flat in Edinburgh, when she’d filled my world with hope for a future brighter than the one I’d lost. When I’d refused to say goodbye and promised I’d see her soon. When I’d assured her that the moment I knew my plans, she’d be the first to know.
I’d wanted to remember her exactly as she was right then. Skin still flushed from a shower and the things we’d done to each other in it, lips full and rosy from mine. And I had. With high-definition clarity, I remembered every millimeter.
“Because when I made that promise, I had every intention of keeping it.” This was one of the few pieces of honesty I could offer her.
“Then why didn’t you?” Sarcasm gave her words a bite that said she didn’t believe anything I was saying. But there was just a hint of vulnerability. Of hope that there was a good explanation that would take away the sting of what she’d no doubt interpreted as resounding rejection.
Because it wouldn’t have been safe for you .
But that was part of the long list of things I couldn’t tell her.
When I didn’t answer, her expression hardened, her eyes glimmering. “Was I just some grand joke to you? Did you get some sick satisfaction from screwing your friend’s sister?”
“God, no. I had no idea of your connection to Ewan when we met.”
“Is that why? You somehow found out he was my brother and freaked out?”
It was a reason. Not a good one, but it was an excuse I could actually offer her that was the legitimate truth. But I didn’t have it in me to pretend that was all it was. “That was part of it.”
Again, she waited for me to elaborate.
When my brain continued to give me nothing but static, she shook her head, face twisting. “Did I mean so little to you that you couldn’t even admit you had regrets or had changed your mind right after you left me?”
God, that look of betrayal was worse than a knife to the gut. “No. No, it was never that.” Wanting to comfort, I took a step toward her, but she took one back. That, too, was a slap.
“You hurt me.” Those three words shook with emotion I could see her desperately fighting back, and they made me bleed. “I waited for you a hell of a lot longer than you deserved because I didn’t want to believe you were the kind of man who would sleep with someone and then just ghost her without a word.” She gave a humorless laugh. “But hell, I’ve learned that I was wrong about all kinds of things.”
What did that mean?
Before I could ask, her shoulders squared, and she lifted her chin in unmistakable defiance. “I know you’re going to be living here now, and it’s a small village. We’re going to see each other. You’re going to end up as part of the circles that I travel all the time. So I’ll be polite, because that’s who I am. But do me a favor and stay the hell away from me, Alex.”
Turning her back on me, she walked away. I watched her go, wishing I could do anything to make this better. When she disappeared behind the building, I followed. Glenlaig didn’t strike me as the sort of place with a lot of crime, but a woman alone in the dark was at risk anywhere. I made it to the corner of the building in time to see her climbing a set of stairs at the rear. Because apparently, she lived in a flat above the pub.
At least she’d made it home safely.
Lost in my thoughts, I headed back toward the law office, where I’d left my 4x4. I’d already felt like a clarty bastard for how I’d handled things—or not handled them—with Ciara. But now I could see that this wasn’t just wounded pride or a woman scorned. I’d well and truly hurt her.
It was just one more reason on a very long list of why I hated myself.