CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE #2
Luca set some drinks out on the table, then dished up a plate for himself. Amelia suspected that he would go down below to eat his meal, like he had on their previous outing.
She felt bad. Like they were banishing him below deck or something. He didn’t seem to mind, though. Once Ben had put his steak on his plate, Luca headed down the stairs into the lower level of the boat.
“Here we go,” Ben said, holding the plate with the steaks out to her. “This one should hopefully be cooked to your satisfaction.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Amelia said as she took the steak he had indicated.
Ben cracked open a can of raspberry-flavored sparkling water and carefully poured it into a glass before setting it in front of her. It didn’t surprise Amelia that it was her favorite flavor.
As they ate, their conversation was light and easy. It helped to lessen the tension Amelia had been carrying all day, and thoughts of the binder in her bag faded as they talked.
It was a peaceful meal, even with the sounds of other watercrafts on the lake. The gentle rocking of the boat combined with the delicious food and Ben's easy conversation made Amelia feel more relaxed than she had in days.
As they finished their meal, the sun began its slow descent toward the horizon, casting long golden fingers across the water.
"That was amazing," Amelia said, setting her fork down on her empty plate. "I don't think I've eaten that well in months."
Ben smiled, pride evident on his face despite the fact that Connie had prepared most of the meal. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't take much credit beyond not burning the steak."
Amelia smiled back at him, appreciating his humility. "Still, thank you for this. The whole evening has been lovely."
The gentle lapping of water against the boat filled a momentary silence between them. Amelia's fingers traced the condensation on her glass as she gazed out at the lake.
Other boats dotted the water, their occupants also enjoying the perfect summer evening. She couldn't help but feel a bit removed from everything, as if she and Ben existed in their own little world out on the lake.
Even her ever-present pain didn’t diminish the sense of calm she felt.
"Let me clean this up and then we can watch the sunset,” Ben said as he stacked the plates.
“I can help.” Amelia got up and helped him return the leftover food to the cooler.
“We still have dessert,” Ben said. “I think you’ll like it.”
“Something chocolate?”
He smiled at her, then winked. “I wouldn’t dare bring anything else. I’ll be right back.”
Amelia sat back down at the table, watching as he went down to the lower deck.
She felt a flutter of nerves return as she realized the conversation she'd been planning couldn't be delayed much longer.
She reached for her bag, her fingers brushing over the smooth fabric before pulling it against her leg.
The binder seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. All the medical terminology, all the limitations spelled out in black and white.
Once Ben saw it—once he truly understood what her life would be like—would he still look at her the way he had been lately? With affection? And maybe something more?
Ben returned with a small tray holding two slices of chocolate cake drizzled with a rich sauce and topped with fresh berries. Amelia's mouth watered at the sight.
"Chocolate fudge cake with raspberry sauce," Ben announced, setting a plate in front of her with a flourish. "Connie said it's her grandmother's recipe."
"It looks amazing," Amelia said, her fingers tightening around the strap of her bag. She hesitated, then set the bag aside. The conversation could wait until after dessert. One more moment of normalcy before everything changed.
As Amelia took her first bite of the chocolate cake, she closed her eyes involuntarily. The rich chocolate melted on her tongue, the tangy raspberry sauce cutting through the sweetness perfectly. For a moment, she allowed herself to simply enjoy the sensation.
"Good?" Ben asked, watching her reaction with a pleased expression.
"Incredible," she admitted, taking another bite. "I don't think I've had cake this good since…" She paused, trying to remember. "Honestly, I can’t remember ever having a chocolate cake this good."
“I’ll be sure to tell Connie. She’ll be thrilled,” Ben said as he lifted a forkful of cake. "You know, I think this might be the perfect evening."
Amelia nodded, taking another bite of the decadent cake. It might have been a perfect evening so far, but the binder pressing against her leg reminded her of what was to come.
She savored each bite, knowing these peaceful moments might be their last once she shared everything with him.
As they finished their dessert, the sun began its final descent, painting the sky in brilliant shades of orange and pink.
Ben stood and offered his hand to her. "Let's move to the bow.”
Amelia took it and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She grabbed the duffle and then followed him along the narrow passage to the front of the boat.
The lights on the boat had come on, casting a circle of soft illumination on them as they sat down on the comfortable cushions covering the bench seats. Ben leaned back, stretching his legs out to rest his feet on the low table in front of them.
Scooting back, Amelia settled herself at his side. She moved her legs to sit cross-legged, the bag on her other side, a heavy weight against her thigh.
As the boat drifted gently, the sound of water lapping against the hull was calming. Amelia hadn’t spent a lot of time on boats, but there was something about being out on the water that was soothing.
When Ben took her hand, she linked her fingers with his and held on. Even with the ever-present thrum of pain in her body, this was one of the most perfect evenings she’d had in a long time. It was just too bad she was going to have to ruin it.
“I talked to Julian,” Ben said, breaking the silence. “About your test results.”
Amelia tensed. “Oh?”
“He said he didn’t know if you’d gotten your results or not,” Ben said, his thumb moving gently across the back of her hand. “And that the only person who would know was you. I just want you to know that if you want me to be there with you when you get them, let me know.”
He’d opened the door for her to broach the test results, and yet Amelia hesitated. She had been determined to share them with him, but it was hard to say the words.
She needed to, though. This wasn’t something she could just ignore, especially if Ben was still so determined to pursue her.
“I have the results,” she blurted out.
“You do?” Ben sat straight up and turned to face her. “When did you get them?”
“A couple of days ago.”
“And?” Ben still had a hold of her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “What did they say? Did you get some answers?”
“Yes.” Amelia sat still for a moment, then let go of his hand to pull the duffle bag into her lap. “They gave me a binder with everything in it.”
Ben leaned close, his arm pressing against her shoulder. “What did it say?”
Amelia rested the binder in her lap, her hands gripping the edges of it. “I’d rather that you take the binder home and read through it yourself. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.”
“But if I have the binder, how can you read through it?”
“I’ve read through most of it already. Plus, they sent me a PDF of it,” she said. “So I can read that.”
Ben shifted to face her fully. “Then I’m going to take the binder, and I’m going to read it. But it’s not because I want to know whether or not I want to be with you. I’ll read it because I want to know how to help you.”
“Ben,” Amelia said with a sigh. “I don’t think you’re being realistic here. My life… I just don’t think it’s conducive to a relationship.”
“Are you saying that because you don’t want a relationship with me?” he asked. “Or is it because you think you’re sparing me?”
Amelia shifted so they were facing each other. “Have you really thought about it, Ben? Like, really thought what being married to someone with a chronic illness would be like?”
She didn’t hesitate to use the word married because she knew that Ben didn’t just want a casual relationship. Even back in high school, their ultimate plan had been marriage, and she assumed that was the case now.
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s start with sex,” she said, grateful that the lights were dim enough that he hopefully couldn’t see the rise of heat in her cheeks.
She decided that she had to lay it out. All of it.
“Have you considered what it might be like to have a wife who struggles with pain and fatigue? What sort of love life you might have?”
Ben nodded. “I have thought about it, and even though I didn’t know exactly what you had, I had enough information to do some research. There are couples out there who deal with chronic illness in their relationship, and they make it work.”
“But do they have a choice?” she asked. “Are these couples who were already married when chronic illness came into their lives?”
“Some,” he said. “But others were aware before getting involved with each other.”
Amelia thought of Tracy. Her relationship hadn’t survived her diagnosis. “But why do you want this? Why, out of all the women in the world, do you want to be with someone who is dealing with something that will add challenges to a relationship?”
“Because I love you, Amelia,” Ben said, making Amelia’s heart skip a beat. “And I’m no longer the starry-eyed boy I once was. I know now that relationships can have challenges and require hard work. I’m prepared to do that work because you mean the world to me.”
“Ben…” Her heart was hung up on his revelation. It wasn’t the first time he’d told her that, but the last time had been when they were teens. This felt… weightier.
“Give us a chance, Lia,” he said, reaching out to take her hands. “I know some of the challenges you’re facing, and I want to face them with you.”
Amelia shook her head. “I don’t want to saddle you with those challenges.”
“You’re not saddling me with them if I’m choosing to take them on.”
Amelia looked away, emotion clogging her throat.
“This would be my choice, love,” Ben said.
“But maybe you’ll change your mind,” Amelia whispered, bending her head down. “Maybe one day it’ll be too much. And you’ll leave.”
Ben uncrossed his legs and shifted to gently pull her close. “Trust me. Trust that I know what I’m getting into, and that I want you.”
Amelia leaned into his embrace, feeling the strength of his arms around her. “It scares me. To get into a relationship when I feel like it will be so uneven.”
“Uneven?”
“I can’t give the way I might have once,” she said. “Right now, I feel like I’ll always end up taking more from a relationship than I can give to it.”
“I don’t look at it that way.”
Amelia rested her head on his chest, staring out across the water, where moonlight rippled on the gentle waves.
“Give us a chance,” Ben murmured against her hair. “Please.”
She wanted to give in and agree, but she needed to know that he was completely aware of what he was taking on.
Straightening, she looked into his eyes. “Before I can do that, I want you to read the binder. All of it. Then we’ll talk again.”
“Promise?” he asked.
“I promise,” she said.
Leaning forward, he brushed his lips gently against hers. “It won’t make a difference, but I’ll read your binder from cover to cover.”
Amelia tried not to let hope fill her heart completely, but she didn’t work too hard to extinguish the spark of anticipation of what might lie ahead for her and Ben. If she let herself believe him that everything would work out.