CHAPTER EIGHT
The scene felt like a memory, but also seemed as if Taveris was watching it happen instead of actually living through it.
He saw himself standing outside the meeting room, waiting, in the palace he'd grown to hate over the last few years. He'd come with Caleen to take Naveen on his Passage to the Academy and Caleen had insisted that he would take this opportunity to share with his parents his plans to marry Taveris.
Plans that meant taking on everyone, including the royal couple.
For Taveris.
And he was doing it alone in there.
His bonded was facing his hardest opponents, the ones who could do the most damage, and Taveris was stuck on the other side of the door, knowing Caleen needed him but being unable to do anything. He had to wait out here, like he was no one, like he wasn't—
"Is everything all right?" Naveen asked in a whisper from his place next to him. Caleen's brother was a bit naive, from what Taveris had seen and heard from Caleen over the years, but he was also completely enamored with his older brother, and it was clear he was worried about him now.
Taveris wished he could reassure Naveen, tell him everything was going to be okay, but the most he managed was to say, "It depends on how this conversation goes." He added something about Caleen explaining things to Naveen soon, but all his focus was on what could be happening on the other side of the door, which was too thick for him to penetrate with his hearing.
He assessed the pair of guards on both sides of the entrance.
He could take them. He could.
He wasn't going to, though.
All that was left was to stare at the door and wait, hoping against hope that it wouldn't go too bad. That it wouldn't do too much damage.
* * *
"Do you want to talk about it?" Taveris asked when they were alone. Naveen had gone back to his room to finish packing, and Caleen and Taveris returned to Caleen's old room.
"Not really," Caleen said with a shrug, but then turned to face him. "It went about as well as you could expect."
Taveris pulled him into his arms after checking the door to make sure it was closed. Yet another thing he hated here—being constantly on edge, constantly worried. They weren't overtly affectionate in the Academy, but they weren't as careful about things there anymore, and not at all behind closed doors.
"It went terribly, then."
Caleen chuckled humorlessly. "Pretty much, yes."
The silence was stifling and heavy, looming over them like dark clouds over the sea.
That was what this place did to them—it suffocated and weighed on them, every time they were here. Taveris could only hope it would change once the time came for them to live here, but right now, he preferred not to think about it too much.
He waited until Caleen was ready to talk, and after another few minutes of silence, he did.
"He said that I'm making things up," he started quietly. "That I can't force our kingdom to accept something just because I want to, like a spoiled child. He said—" He paused and rested his forehead against Taveris's chest and breathed in and out before pulling back to continue. "He tried to keep me from announcing my intentions publicly, and when I didn't yield, things got even less pleasant, let's put it that way. But short of arresting me, he can't keep me from making the announcement and he knows that."
Taveris's instincts flared up at the mere suggestion of the arrest. Even he didn't think the king would go that far, but Taveris was also grasping at the ends of his patience with the man over his treatment of Caleen, so he took some dim, dark satisfaction over imagining his retribution if such thing did occur.
"Once I announce it, it's up to the royal council," Caleen went on, bringing Taveris back to the present. "They are the ones who decide on legal matters and regardless of what he thinks, that's exactly what this is. And if they say yes, he'll not go against them."
The issue was, the royal council of Kingdom of Teranea wasn't exactly known for being progressive and amenable to drastic societal changes. Their only real hope here was that the council members would listen to Caleen's historical argument, but it was a long shot. That was why they needed to make it public—if, by chance, the society reacted favorably to the idea, the council's ruling might go in their favor, too.
For all that Teranea was a kingdom, the voice of its people counted for a lot. And realistically, the people's voice was their best chance here. If even some of those who were tired of living a lie spoke up, if there were enough voices of support, if…
There were way too many what-ifs in this whole thing to Taveris's liking, but it didn't matter. Caleen was set on fighting for this, so that was what they were going to do.
Taveris just wished it didn't cost his bonded so much pain. Like right now, when that little spark of hope that couldn't ever die had dimmed yet again in the face of another one of Caleen's father's rejections.
He hated watching his companion do this to himself, but he was unable to stop it, too.
Still, Taveris would never not want to be here—to support, to stop the pieces from breaking apart, hook, even to hope. Hoping didn't come easy to him, that was all Caleen, but ever since the proposal—
Ever since the proposal, Taveris wished for things he hadn't dared to wish for in a long, long time. And if with that had come fear, so be it. Caleen had shown him again and again over the years how to be braver.
* * *
Once more, Taveris was there, but it felt like he wasn't.
He quickly recognized the time and the place—it was the day of Naveen and Soryan's searching ceremony. The two of them were down in the arena, still on the opposite sides, but since Taveris already knew what would happen, he watched himself and Caleen as they observed the proceedings. He heard the wall slowly moving, opening the divide, but he didn't look away from his bonded.
He saw him leaning over the barrier, fingers curling against the railing, waiting, waiting, waiting.
He saw him grin suddenly before straightening up and turning to Taveris—to him—to share his joy. Naveen had found his companion. And what a great match it was, too.
Taveris watched them rejoice and then face the arena again. Caleen was still smiling, but there was a pensive way about him now. He sucked his bottom lip in.
Taveris remembered it now—in a minute, they would head down towards the stairs, ready to congratulate Naveen and Soryan, and to offer some advice. They would pause on those stairs, alone for a brief moment in time.
"Naveen and Soryan, they—"
"I know, I saw." It was right there in the open, for anyone who was paying attention. These two didn't have a platonic bond, Taveris would stake his last grain of sand on it.
Caleen closed his eyes and nodded, as if resolving himself to something. Then he opened them and straightened his back.
"Our announcement couldn't come at a better time then, could it?"
And Taveris wished in that moment, for about a thousandth time since they'd found each other, that he could have even half the courage his companion had. Even half the strength.
As it was, all he could do was try to keep up.
*
The thing about hope was that, when you had little of it, it didn't take much to lose it.
"He didn't come."
It was all Caleen said after getting back to their room, then disappeared into the bathroom before Taveris even managed to get up from the bed to… He wasn't sure what.
What do you do to help your partner with the fact that his father doesn't love him enough?
Almost four years in, Taveris still didn't have an answer.
This time, though. This time it got to him, too.
If the king hadn't come to his younger son's bonding ceremony to show Caleen his place, what chances did they have with any of this, really? Why go through all this mess, if the result was already so clear?
It had been a stupid fantasy, anyway.
Taveris curled his hands over the bed covers. He knew he should get up and go after Caleen, he just— He needed a second.
Before he could make himself leave the bed, though, Caleen was back. His face was blank as he crossed the room and sat down on the chair near the window, pulling his legs up until his knees were pressed against his chest.
"I think I was too harsh with my mother," he said next, taking Taveris by surprise.
"Oh?" was all he said, trying—and failing—to catch up to what was going on inside his companion's head. It was unlikely that Caleen had truly been too harsh with the queen. If anything, she'd always gotten many more passes than she'd deserved, only because her husband was worse. Personally, Taveris saw her as a mother who didn't stand up for her children and thus he didn't particularly like her.
He knew better than to ever let it on, though.
"I told her it's unacceptable for him to miss Naveen's bonding ceremony because of his issue with me."
"So you told her the truth," Taveris heard himself say. In that moment, he was like a bystander, watching the two of them as the tension rose, knowing what was coming and wincing at the memory of it.
Caleen looked at him then, but his mask stayed in place and Taveris hated it. Hated it with a passion.
"She apologized for him," Caleen said next. And then, "She also told me she wished we could solve our disagreement before it gets too far."
A disagreement. Hook it all, Taveris was more than justified in not liking her.
"I told her no and then I left."
The words were quiet, but the silence that fell was pressing, nagging Taveris to do something, say something.
"You weren't too harsh," was what came out.
Caleen shrugged and turned to the window.
Watching him, Taveris wished—not for the first, not even for the hundredth time—that the world was kinder to this man. That the burdens he carried were less.
And maybe it was time to take some of it off of him, no matter if he liked it or not.
Taveris got up and crossed the space between them until he could crouch before Caleen and catch his gaze.
"Love," he started softly. He didn't call Caleen that often, which was a shame. He needed to change that. "Maybe we should—"
"Don't."
Here it was. The downside of being bonded to Caleen, if there was one. Most people, including his advisors, bowed to the commanding air Caleen sometimes wore like an invisible crown. He didn't use it often, since the Academy strove to put them all on equal grounds, but it still happened, from time to time.
And Taveris had to be the one to push back.
Like right now.
"We should," he insisted. "Let's talk about it again, reconsider—"
"No." Caleen straightened in his seat and gripped the arms of the chair. If Taveris wasn't blocking his way, he'd probably get up altogether. "I'm not changing my mind. He's not..." Caleen swallowed hard. "He's not worth it."
"It's not just about him, though."
"It's not about him at all." Caleen's nostrils flared. "He's the king of our people and he should act in their best interest, but since he isn't, not in this, then he's not a part of it anymore."
Taveris shook his head. "You know that's not true."
"He will bow to the people's will."
"And what if people don't want this?"
The silence was nothing if not deafening in a room that had seen only a few bad fights over the years, each of them painful and hard, just like this one.
"Do you want this?" Caleen whispered.
And Taveris apparently didn't offer an answer fast enough, because Caleen jumped sideways out of his seat and headed towards the door.
No. Just no.
Taveris caught him by the arm, making Caleen face him again.
"I'd be the happiest person alive if I got to marry you," he told him. "There's no world in which I don't want to be with you, forever."
You know this, he wanted to add. But maybe Caleen needed a reminder. Maybe Taveris had to say it.
Caleen's shoulders dropped a bit, but he was still frowning.
"And I'm trying to make it into a reality. I want a world when I get to marry you, and if I have to fight for it, so be it. I thought—" He hesitated. "I thought we're in this fight together."
Ouch.
"That's not fair," he told Caleen quietly, and his bonded winced and opened his mouth, but Taveris wasn't done. "Every fight you pick, I'll be right there with you, and you know this. I just wish… I just wish you'd see how dangerous this one is, and with little chance of success, too."
"And what's the alternative?" Caleen asked. His eyes were shining now, and Taveris wanted to pull him closer and forget it all, but he couldn't. They couldn't. "Hiding in plain sight? Lying? Some people can get away with it, but you know what this life—our life – is like. I'm not getting that luxury, and neither are you."
They'd gone over this, more than once, and Taveris could almost script their conversation in his head before it happened, but it didn't make it any easier.
"Maybe one day—"
"Taveris, please." Caleen closed his eyes, and he slumped in Taveris's grasp. "Please," he repeated in a whisper. "Not you, too. I need you on my side, and by my side, on this."
And what else was there to say, really? Caleen needed him, and that was the end of the story.
"Okay," he whispered, pulling Caleen into his arms and breathing deeply. "I'm here."
There was no other place for Taveris, after all, not ever.
*
He ran his fingers through Caleen's hair. It was still dark outside, and they should still be asleep, but instead, they were lying there, staring at each other as the minutes flew by.
In a few hours, the royal couple would get here, and then tomorrow, Caleen and Taveris would be graduating the Academy. Starting a new chapter, one that didn't come with a schedule nor safety of these walls.
One where nothing was certain, aside from the two of them.
"My life is with you," Taveris whispered into the small space between them. "No matter what."
"My life is with you," Caleen repeated, putting his hand on Taveris's chest. "You were supposed to always be there and then you left me all alone."
Taveris opened his mouth to protest, but then—
Wait. This wasn't right.
It hadn't happened like this.
I'm here.
I'm—