Chapter 30 #3
“I know, I know.” I licked my lips. “I just … it’s not just the students. When I was reading some of the comments, it made me feel…”
“Don’t read the comments. Don’t ever read the comments.”
“It’s not that…”
The comments were problematic and mean, but everyone saying he didn’t want to be with me wouldn’t bother me if he actually wanted to be with me.
He studied me. Taking his thumb, he caressed my cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“I…” The words got lodged in my throat and I just exhaled.
“I’m sorry, Jazz,” he apologized.
The care and tenderness in his tone were going to make me emotional. The way he looked at me and the way he treated me didn’t make sense with his lack of a response about us being together. Swallowing my feelings down, I felt the weight of it in my belly.
You told me what it was from the beginning.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I told him shakily.
“All I want to do is protect you.”
“You can’t protect me from everything.”
“That doesn’t mean I won’t try.” He took a half step back.
“From the moment I met you, I’ve wanted to do everything in my power to make sure you’re good, to protect you, to look out for you, to make you happy.
But with those assholes online…” He shook his head.
“You’re getting all this attention that I know you hate because of me …
and it fucking kills me. And yeah, fuck them because they don’t matter, but you matter. ”
“This isn’t on you. It’s on them. And that’s not…” I closed my eyes and let my head fall back.
“Talk to me,” he whispered. “I need you to tell me what it is you want from me.”
My arms slowly slid from his shoulders as my heart raced. “No, I need you to tell me what it is you want from me.”
“Everything. I want everything from you.”
Confusion washed over me as I stared at the gorgeous man in front of me who was clearly playing in my face. But my brain didn’t send the memo to my body because I still craved his body on mine.
“I told you what I wanted from you, and you said nothing.” I put my hand on his chest. “Which told me everything.”
“It wasn’t like that.” He grabbed my hand and brought my wrist to his face, kissing my tattoo. “You said it, a good twenty seconds passed, your phone rang, and then you left.”
“Because if you wanted to be in a relationship with me, would you have hesitated?”
“I didn’t hesitate. I was thinking.”
My eyebrows flew up. “You needed to think about it?” I pulled my hand from him and raked my fingers through my locs. “That’s not a good sign.”
“Jazmyn.”
“Lamar.”
“One of the first things you told me was that you weren’t interested in a relationship, and then the only time you’ve ever said anything about wanting to be locked in with me was after I made that pussy talk to me.”
In my defense, I’d never come three times in a row like that before.
He tried to back away, but I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back close.
“No, if we’re going to get into it, let’s get into it,” I argued softly.
“Yes, I said I wasn’t interested in a relationship because I wasn’t.
And then I got to know you, and I caught feelings.
I’m not sure of the exact moment it happened, but I came to the realization before I actually said it.
” I let go of his shirt and reached up to touch his beard.
“You told me you wanted me to feel all the ways in which you wanted me, and then you fucked me like you…”
Love me.
I swallowed hard before I continued. “Like you wanted to be with me. So I don’t understand how me responding to that with ‘I want to be with you’ is inappropriate.”
“It’s not inappropriate. It’s…” He turned his face into my hand and kissed my palm. “It’s not.”
“You can’t make me feel like you have these feelings for me and then say nothing.”
“I said nothing because I do have feelings for you! I fucking…”
His sentence trailed off, but I knew in my heart what he was going to say. I felt it in the passion of his words, his touch, his gaze.
My breathing hitched. “You fucking what?”
“You already know.”
“Why can’t you say it?”
“I don’t want to fuck this up.”
My hunched shoulders slumped. “Lamar…” I pulled his head down enough for me to kiss his lips. “Why do you think you’re going to fuck this up?”
“Because of my schedule. Before you, if it got in the way of something, it didn’t matter. But with you…” His lips brushed mine. “You mean too much to me.”
“You don’t think we could work with your schedule?”
“You told me time was the most valuable asset in a relationship, and I know I don’t have much to give.”
My brows furrowed. I did?
He must’ve seen the confusion on my face because he continued.
“The night we met, we were watching the game, and you said in football, in relationships, and in life, time was the most valuable asset to have and to give,” he recalled.
I nodded, remembering. I was talking about the game and thinking about Aunt Addy.
“Okay, yeah,” I acknowledged.
“That’s why I tried not to touch you”—his eyes fell to my lips—“or kiss you … even though I wanted to. I told myself we could just get to know each other better because there was no way in hell I was going to leave that bar and never see or talk to you again. So I got your number. I spent time with you. And the more I talked to you, the more I got to know you, the more I wanted you. But I knew how my time looked. So, when things jumped off by the river, I tried to resist you. I tried to control myself. But it’s you …
and I’ve wanted you sexually since I laid eyes on you, and I’ve wanted to take care of you since our first conversation.
As bad as I didn’t want to fuck things up, the way you looked up at me and told me you wanted it…
” He shook his head as if he were having a flashback.
“I couldn’t resist you. And I couldn’t resist you because I was already about you.
I’ve been about you since the day we met. ”
My heart thumped in my chest. “I wish you would’ve said that when I was at your place.”
“Would it have made a difference? My time is still short. My schedule is still my schedule.”
“But saying nothing made me feel like you didn’t want to be with me.”
He held my gaze. “Being with you is the only thing I want.” Gripping my face between his hands, he brought his nose to mine. “You know I would do anything for you, right?”
Heat swept through my body. “I do.”
“I don’t want to fuck this up.”
I nodded, brushing my lips against his. “When there’s love and respect for what you’re passionate about, you won’t fuck it up.” I paused. “Are you passionate about me?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you respect me?” I whispered.
“Yes.”
My stomach quivered before the question. “Do you love me?”
“You know I do.”
“Then tell me.”
I felt his body tremble.
“I love you,” he murmured, searching my eyes before his mouth covered mine. “I love you so fucking much.”
My stomach flipped hearing the words.
“I love you, too,” I whimpered.
Still intertwined, we collapsed on the couch. My phone somehow ended up under me.
“My phone,” I murmured into his mouth as my tongue met his again.
He tried to get it, but he couldn’t without breaking the kiss. When he pulled it out, the screenshot of the comments I’d sent to the group chat was on the screen.
I could see the contrition in his face before he even opened his mouth.
“I’ll fix this,” he said gruffly.
I shook my head. “It’s not on you.”
“It is.” With his body weighing me down and his face a few inches above me, he sighed. “There’s gotta be something I can do. You don’t deserve this. They are saying shit that don’t even make any sense. You know it’s bullshit, right?”
I reached up and stroked his beard. “I was surprised and triggered by how the internet did its thing. But what traumatized me wasn’t what they were saying about me. I mean, I didn’t like it. But I was worried that you would start seeing me differently because people en masse are saying you should.”
His brows furrowed. “What?”
I nodded. “Also, I felt like all this bullshit was overshadowing your moment. You’ve worked so hard for this.
The spotlight is on you, and they should be talking about how good you are and not why they think you should be with Milan instead of me.
” I hesitated, and then I told him all of it.
“There were people saying that if you’re with me, you make questionable decisions, and they”—I took a breath—“question your leadership.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say the real, tangible achievement he’d lose out on. My throat burned from even attempting to say the words.
“What? Get the fuck out of here!” He sat up and pulled me up, too.
“Okay, first, I see you. From the day I sat at that bar beside you, I saw you and I wanted you. Inside and out, every inch of you is beautiful and sexy and mine. If we’re just talking about the physical, if I were on that type of time, I would’ve tried to fuck you the same night we met. ”
A smile pulled at the corners of my mouth. “Lamar!” I groaned. “I’m being serious!”
“Me, too.” He took my hand and put it on his erection. “You do it for me. Every single fucking time.”
I licked my lips. “Good to know.”
“Second, the right people are talking about what I’m doing on the field. Nobody else matters. Fuck them people.”
“But this is your big moment and—”
“Fuck them people,” he reiterated. “I don’t want them talking shit about you because I want to protect you.
But at the end of the day, your opinion matters to me.
My family, my friends, my teammates, those opinions matter to me.
I don’t give a shit about what the people on the internet say.
And they for damn sure aren’t going to sway my thoughts about you or my decision to be with you.
” He got in my face. “You’re it for me.”
Throwing my arms around him, I climbed into his lap. “What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t have much time right now.” He brushed his lips against mine. “But the time I do have, I want to share it with you.”
“Good,” I murmured, before kissing him deep.
While the internet think pieces made it seem one way, Lamar and I were on my couch kissing, touching, and working through our relationship.
I still thought it was best to keep a low profile until the internet chatter died down.
He disagreed but was willing to go at my pace since I was the one being disrespected and dragged online.
“But I won’t lie and say you’re not mine if I’m asked,” he whispered, running his hand over my thighs.
“Just for right now. Please,” I pleaded. “We can figure everything out after Aunt Addy’s funeral.”
Instead of agreeing, he kissed me.