Chapter 33
Once the focus of conversation shifts from who he’s dating to how he’s doing on the field, all will be well, I assured myself on Tuesday as the school day started winding down.
“Ms. Payne,” Gianna called right after lunch.
I looked up from my laptop to find her and Drea rushing to my desk.
“Yes?” I addressed them, looking back and forth. “Is everything okay?”
“Hollywood said you were his girlfriend.”
“Your tea has been clocked, Ms. P!” Gianna cosigned.
I froze. “What?”
Gianna giggled. “There was a clip of Hollywood saying his dream girl was someone who quotes Malcolm X, and then he said, ‘Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.’ And Drea”—she flung her arm to the right and pointed to the poster on the wall—“what does that say?”
Drea tapped her chin. “It says ‘Education is the passport—’”
“Do you know how famous that Malcolm X quote is?” I asked, interrupting the perceptive young ladies.
“You must not have seen the clip,” Drea teased.
The warning bell went off, and I pointed to the intercom. “You two need to get to class because I’m not writing you a pass.”
Giggling, they rushed out of the room.
As soon as they left, I pulled out my earbuds and immediately searched for the interview. My stomach was in knots as my thumb hovered above the screen before I hit PLAY on the first video to pop up.
“Describe your dream defense,” the interviewer asked.
“And I know how this is going to sound, but I’m being real with you … The men I line up with every day is my dream defense,” Lamar answered. “We have something special. The Monarchs are something special.”
“How did you know the Monarchs had something special?”
“The work ethic from everyone from front office to the coaches to the players—the way everybody goes so hard is how I knew it was a special organization I was joining.”
“Describe your dream woman,” the interviewer asked.
“My dream woman is the woman who speaks to every part of me and compels me to want to do everything I can for her.”
“And how will you know she’s special?”
“A beautiful, smart, passionate woman who’s knowledgeable about football and quotes Malcolm X is undeniable.”
“Quotes Malcolm X? That’s oddly specific.”
Lamar’s smile grew. “My dad drilled the words ‘for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today’ in my head as a kid, and that became my motto. That’s why I work so hard. So, to find a woman who randomly in conversation drops that quote…”
“It seemed like you were thinking about somebody in particular … which brings me to my next point. Some are saying that all the attention about your dating life is a distraction. Why do you think that is?” the interviewer asked.
“Because people are distracted by it,” he answered, before clarifying. “People. Not me.”
“Are you worried about how that distraction is going to impact your game?”
“I’m not distracted. And if someone else is distracted by trying to figure out who I choose to spend my life with, that doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
“Even if it isn’t a distraction for you specifically, there’s been evidence of how publicly speculated relationships distract from the game—look at what has happened in the past with girlfriends like Jessica, Kim, and Taylor and the negative impact the perception of their presence brought to the player and the game—unfairly, I may add.
So have you considered the opportunities impacted from the spectacle of it all? ”
“I don’t see how or why that would be the case in this situation,” Lamar answered. “But I stand by the fact that what’s for me is for me.”
“Did you know there were people who questioned your decision making?”
Before the interviewer could continue, Lamar shook his head irritably. “Yeah, I heard that.”
“So, you knew about the campaign to not vote for you for Defensive Player of the Month because a group of people didn’t like who they thought you were partnered with?”
Lamar couldn’t disguise the confusion that crumpled his eyebrows. “What?”
“Unfortunately, some are saying you would’ve held the honor if it weren’t for that collective effort.”
He shifted uncomfortably as he stared into the camera in disbelief. “I … uh, I hadn’t heard that.”
“What are your thoughts on that?”
“I can’t wrap my mind around something like that. My play on the field is my play on the field. My personal life shouldn’t have anything to do with…” He shook his head and let his sentence trail off. “It is what it is,” he concluded.
My heart ached as I watched a mixture of confusion and disappointment contort his face before he swiped it with his hand.
I felt sick.
The phrase social pariah kept swirling around in my head as the outcome I’d been trying to avoid bubbled to the surface.
“Do you think the attention you’re getting and the expectations other people have for you and your partner will continue to take away from your career moving forward?”
Lamar seemed to tense for a moment as the question hit him.
“Like I said, if someone else is getting distracted by my personal life, that’s on them.
So that’s a question you’d have to ask them.
But career wise, my only job is to perform at my highest level.
” He exhaled and leaned forward, closer to the camera.
“Football has always been my first love. I’ve dedicated everything to getting to this point in my career.
So no, I’m not distracted by anything that’s being said about me. ”
“So what your teammates, your coaches, and your ex-girlfriend, who you confirmed will stay an ex via your conversation with TJ Smith, say about you is true: Football is your main priority and the love of your life.”
A look crossed his face. He slid his hand over his jaw. “Football is my first love, but it’s not the love of my life.”
The interviewer seemed to pick up on the same thing I’d picked up on. “What, or who, is the love of your life?”
“My personal life has nothing to do with anybody but me and the woman I’m with.”
“So, you are with someone?”
“Fuck it, yeah, I am,” he answered in frustration.
It was apparent he was still thinking about what he’d just found out.
“Do you love her?” the interviewer wondered.
Without hesitation, he nodded. “Yes.”
Students coming into the classroom forced me to hit PAUSE and slip the earbuds out of my ears.
I put my phone away and got back to my job.
But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop seeing Lamar’s expression when he’d learned that he’d lost only because of me.
I thought about that look on his face for the rest of the day.
My stomach twisted into a knot.
I knew we had to have a hard conversation when I got off work.
Lamar Anderson: Some stuff came up during that live interview and now I have a meeting with the defensive coaches at three o’clock and then a meeting with my manager. I’ll tell you about it when you get off. But it doesn’t look like I’ll be in Richland tonight. Call me when you can.
My hand started to shake, and my eyes started to water.
Even if Lamar didn’t care what the people on the internet thought, he absolutely cared what his coaches thought.
And if they thought it was for the best, I wouldn’t even be upset with him for doing what he needed to do.
It was what I’d considered ever since I realized my presence in his life was distracting from his gameplay.
But the thought of his coaches calling him in on his day off to address what he’d said in his interview made it real.
I took a deep breath.
Jazmyn Payne: Is everything okay? I’m sad I won’t see you, but I understand.
I started to type I love you, but I deleted it. Swallowing hard, I wrote a different message.
Jazmyn Payne: You prayed for and worked hard for this opportunity so, within reason, whatever you need to do to make sure your dream isn’t deferred, I understand. Nothing and no one can dim how bright your star shines. You were crafted with divine purpose, and you were born to walk in your power.
When the final bell of the day rang, I rushed home. As soon as I arrived, I called Aaliyah and Nina. After filling them in on everything, I hoped something, anything my best friends said would make me feel better or, at the very least, prepare me for the conversation I needed to have.
“I thought you told him about the defensive-player thing,” Aaliyah said as I paced across the room.
“I told him that people were questioning his leadership and on-the-field play because of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to get specific,” I informed them.
“I didn’t want him to equate me with the demise of his opportunities.
But I told him there was stuff online, and I just assumed he’d check like he had before.
But he looked so caught off guard…” I stopped walking and squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t know what’s about to happen.”
“Exactly,” Nina said calmly. “So don’t stress. Just breathe. Have you talked to him since the meeting?”
I looked at the time. “It’s seven o’clock. His meetings should’ve been over, and I haven’t heard from him.” I felt the fire in my throat and the sting behind my eyes. “What if they bench him? Or worse…”
“If they bench him, that will hurt the team, so they wouldn’t do that … right?” Aaliyah asked.
“If they feel like his personal life is a distraction, they could.” I swallowed around the lump that was forming. “They’d put it under the guise of ‘conduct detrimental to the team.’”
“But what is the detrimental conduct?” Nina questioned in frustration. “You know, it’s funny how it’s only certain players who get scrutinized and penalized.”