5. Tanya
5
TANYA
I meet up with Kayla and Sophia at a nearby park; there are kids running around and screaming with excitement and joy, and I struggle to find Sophia. As soon as Kayla sees me, I can tell that she already knows that something is wrong. Her smile drops from her face, and her eyebrows come together in a look of concern. I plop down on to the bench she has claimed for herself and let out a long sigh as I watch Sophia running and laughing with other kids her age.
“Tough day at work?”
I give a pointed look at Sophia, and then look back at Kayla.
“I’ll explain later. You aren’t going to believe what happened. All I can say is that it involves your new friend from last night.”
Kayla’s eyebrows raise in interest.
“The unbelievably good-looking one that couldn’t keep his eyes off of you?”
I roll my eyes at her, but before I can reply, Sophia spots me.
“Mommy!”
I smile at her as she runs and jumps into my arms.
“Hey, baby girl. Did you have fun with Aunt Kayla today?”
She nods excitedly.
“Do we have to leave now? I don’t want to go yet.”
Kayla and I laugh at her pouty look.
“No, you can keep playing; Aunt Kayla and I will sit here and talk.”
She smiles widely at me, then runs off to play with the group of kids that are waiting for her.
I let out a tired sigh and lean back on the bench. This day has turned into one that I never saw coming. How do I even come to terms with all that has happened? I know Kayla is going to freak out just as much as I did. I can feel myself ready to blurt everything out to her.
“So, what happened with Chandler?”
“He knows me from before. Apparently, we were living together when I had my accident.”
Kayla is taking a sip of her drink as I speak, and when what I say registers, she starts coughing and choking. I can’t help but laugh as I pat her on the back.
In a strangled voice she says, “I’m sorry, what?”
I tell her about everything that happened with Chandler, and by the time I’m done explaining our conversation, she is staring at me with her mouth wide open.
“So, he just happened to go to a charity event that you were attending and found his long-lost love after nine years?”
I cringe at her words.
“Please, don’t call me that. I still don’t know him. Seeing him didn’t cause all my memories to magically come back. No matter how much he seems to want them to.”
I don’t like the feeling of guilt I’m having over something I have no control over.
“It’s not like I’ve forgotten everything on purpose. Doesn’t he think that if I could simply make my memories come back, I would? And how the hell does he expect me to just drop everything and follow him wherever?”
The look of pity that Kayla gives me just angers me more. She looks at me with her eyes full of sadness and her lips turned down at the corners, like she just can’t help but feel bad for the woman with no memories.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that they will never return. Nine years is a long time. I’m just pissed that he has the audacity to expect me to just move back in with him like nothing happened. He’s a stranger to me. I wouldn’t do that to myself, and I won’t have some random man around my daughter.”
My breathing has picked up with my rant, and Kayla’s next words knock the breath right out of my chest.
“That random man is her dad.”
Tears fill my eyes as I look over to Kayla.
“I don’t know what to do.”
She sets her drink down next to her, wraps her arm around my shoulders, and pulls me close to her side.
“We will figure it out. You don’t have to move in with him. I agree that it’s way too much for him to ask, but I do think you need to get to know him again. For Sophia’s sake, and so you can get to know yourself again. I’m sure he can answer all the burning questions I know you’ve had all these years.”
Sighing, I sink further into her side and watch Sophia laughing and running around with the other kids.
“She has his eyes.”
Kayla doesn’t say anything, she just squeezes me tighter and rubs my arm. I feel so lost at the moment, and it angers me that I do. I haven’t felt this way since I first woke up that dreadful day nine years ago.
Both Sophia and I are exhausted by the time we make it home from the park. I send her off to take a shower while I search for something to order for dinner. I don’t have the mental or physical ability to cook dinner tonight. I order the food, and once Sophia is done with the shower, I help her dry off and change into a pair of pj’s. I can’t help but wonder how she’s going to react to Chandler. So far, she hasn’t asked any questions about having a dad, and I’ve been grateful to not have to explain it to her.
I get her set up with a movie in the living room and sit with my laptop at the kitchen table. I want to do some research on Chandler.
Me: Hey, can you get his last name for me?
Kayla: Not a problem, give me a minute.
I wait for her to contact whoever she needs to as I tap my fingers on the keys. My stomach full of butterflies as I do.
Kayla: Bishop.
It’s an interesting last name, and I look over at Sophia on the couch.
Sophia Bishop.
Somehow it fits her perfectly, and I’m not comfortable with the thought. I type his name into the search bar and pages and pages of news articles load about him.
He’s thirty-nine and has built a very successful business for himself, an architecture business that focuses on designing office buildings that are made with environmentally safe materials, both from where they get them and what the materials are made from. He’s worth billions and has been named the most eligible bachelor in New York City.
All the articles talk about how he refuses to do interviews about it. The last page that I look at is dated from eight years ago, a year after I had the accident. The more I read, the more I feel sick to my stomach. It’s all about how he lost the love of his life and the lengths that he went to find her. There are a couple of photos from before and after. It’s obvious how much of a toll it took on him.
I can’t finish the article, and I quickly hit the back button so that I can go back to the search browser page. I click on images at the top and start scrolling down the page of pictures of him. I make it to the end of the page and have to wait for more photos to load, and when they do, my breath catches in my throat.
There are hundreds of pictures of him and me. Dressed in fancy clothes at some kind of events. Walking down the street holding hands. There is one that I click on and can’t take my eyes off of it. It’s the two of us standing on the sidewalk outside of what looks to be an apartment building. His arms are wrapped around my waist and mine are around his neck. We are staring into each other’s eyes, and I look happy and in love.
I quickly close the laptop. The woman on the screen isn’t me. She may look like me, but she isn’t. Not anymore. Lost in thought, I am startled by our dinner delivery.
“Sophia, pause the movie while I pay for dinner and get the TV trays out.”
Her eyes light up and she runs around the room to do as I said. We don’t eat in front of the TV often, but I like to make a night of it every once in a while, and after the day I’ve had, I just want to spend some time with my girl, doing things that make her happy.
Maybe I’ll even let her stay up late again tonight.
I answer the door and smile at the kid that is holding the bags with our food in them. I thank him and take the bags. When I get back into the living room, Sophia already has everything set up and is ready to go. I laugh and set the bags down on the coffee table.
The rest of the night I make an effort to push all thoughts of Chandler and my past out of my head and just focus on Sophia. It takes me some time to fully relax, but listening to her sweet giggles helps me to let go of the day. I love the bond I have with my daughter, and I’m worried about how it will change once I introduce Chandler into her life.
I know I will eventually tell her about him and let them get to know each other, I owe it to Sophia. I just don’t know what will happen between Chandler and I. Part of me wonders what could be between us. Even though I know nothing about him, there is still a piece of me that feels drawn to him. There’s a pull there that I can’t explain.
It’s Monday, and I’m grateful that Sophia didn’t stay up too late last night, she would have been an absolute bear if she had. She was in a great mood for the start of her second week. I have the day off since I worked the weekend, and I plan to deep clean the cabin. It doesn’t really need it, but I need something to keep me occupied. I dress in my cut off jean shorts that are covered in bleach stains and paint, an old baggy T-shirt from the hospital, and a bandana around my head. I start with the upstairs and work my way downstairs, where I am hoping to end with the kitchen.
I turn on some music on my phone, a 2000s rock station on Spotify, and turn the volume up loud to drown out my thoughts. By noon, I finish with the upstairs and gather all of my cleaning supplies to bring downstairs. My hands are full of all the bottles and the bucket I’ve been using to clean, and just as I reach the last step, a knock sounds at my door.
Since it’s the middle of the day on a Monday, I’m not expecting it, and it makes me jump. I drop everything in my arms, and it makes a loud crashing sound, my phone dropping with all of it and the music coming to a dramatic stop. The door files open at the sound, and I’m surprised to see Chandler rushing into the cabin. The door slams into the wall behind it, and I stare in shock as he comes in looking around, his eyes wild like he’s looking for an intruder other than himself. When he sees me standing on the stairs, he freezes and looks me up and down.
“I heard a crash. Are you okay?”
He eyes the things around my feet, and I see the moment he realizes what the sound was; he looks embarrassed.
“I dropped the stuff when you knocked. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me jump.”
He clears his throat, shuffling from side to side, and runs his fingers through his hair self-consciously, looking everywhere but at me.
“Oh, uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to just barge in; I just reacted.”
He cringes, and I have to work at keeping the smile off my face. I must not do a very good job, because when he looks up at me again, I can see his lips twitch before we both burst into laughter at the ridiculous situation.
I squat down to pick everything up off the floor, and I’m surprised again when Chandler comes over to help.
“I was just doing some deep cleaning on my day off while Soph is at school. Wanna tell me why you’re here?”
He nods and follows me to the kitchen where we put everything down on the counter. There is an awkward feeling around the room, and I shuffle on my feet as I wait for him to tell me why he’s here. It hits me then that I have no idea how he’s here.
“How did you know where I live?”
In a move that seems rather shy for a man like Chandler Bishop, he rubs the back of his neck as his cheeks turn a light pink.
Is he blushing?
I stare in shock at this very successful businessman as he blushes, and something about it makes him endearing to me.
“I asked around town to see if anyone knew. This town is full of people who are way too trusting, and it makes me even more concerned that your door was unlocked. You should make sure it stays locked.”
I don’t like that he’s trying to tell me what to do again, but I ignore it this time.
“Why are you here, Chandler? I thought I was pretty clear about where I stood yesterday.”
I would have rather approached him when I was ready, but now he’s here, and I don’t really have a choice.
“I want to talk some more. We can’t just leave things like that. We have too much between us, whether you remember some of it or not. Our daughter, for one.”
Our daughter.
I jerk at the words. The thought brings out a myriad of emotions in me. Sophia is our daughter, not just mine.
“What else is there to say? You want to go back to how things were, and I’m not comfortable with moving in with you. You forget that I don’t know you now.”
He cringes slightly, and the guilt from yesterday is back. I push it down and steady my resolve. He is not going to get his way just because he’s some rich businessman that knows things about me that I don’t.
“I know, and after you left yesterday, I realized how unrealistic that was of me to think. Of course you wouldn’t be comfortable with me, but I’ve come here today to suggest a different alternative.”
It makes me nervous to see the hope in his eyes.
“I want to provide for you and Sophia. She is my daughter. I want to take care of you two and make sure neither of you want for anything.”
He reaches into his jean pocket and pulls out a set of keys.
“I understand you not wanting to live with me, but I want to be part of Sophia’s life, and yours, if you would let me. These are the keys to an apartment in my building. You wouldn’t be living with me, but you would be close. I know Sophia still has school here, so it would just be for the weekends until summer, then we could revisit this conversation and see how we want to handle things. In the meantime, we could all get to know each other?”
It comes out like a question, and I’m left overwhelmed with everything he just said.
“How did you get an apartment in the city while you’ve been here?”
I don’t know why that’s the part that stands out to me, but it’s all I can focus on at the moment.
“Uh, my assistant handled it for me.”
Of course he has an assistant.
“Why would you do this? You didn’t even talk to me about it.”
I don’t understand this man at all, and he clearly doesn’t understand me.
“I did this because I want to make sure you have a place to go that isn’t my home. I can’t stay here, and I want to get to know my daughter; I want the both of you to get to know me. I didn’t talk to you about it beforehand because I just want the place to be there for when you’re ready for it. It’s not like I can’t afford it.”
I scoff at his ego. Just because he has more money than us, it doesn’t mean he needs to go around buying apartments. It makes me nervous to think about being back in his world of wealth and power. I know nothing of that world anymore, and I’m already feeling overwhelmed by it all. It would be a drastic change to our lives, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
“You realize how crazy this is, right?”
I’m worried that with my amnesia I will be taken advantage of or trampled over. I stare at the keys on the counter in front of me, a symbolic bridge between my past and my future. Chandler must see the indecision on my face. He leans over the counter and places one of his hands over mine.
“I promise you that I will take care of you and Sophia no matter what. I’m not in this for anything other than getting to know my daughter and her mother again. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
They are nice words to hear, but I don’t know him enough for them to bring me comfort.
I gently slide my hand out from under his and take a step back from the counter. I can see the hurt in his eyes before he closes off and keeps a neutral look on his face.
“I need time to process this. Everything is happening very fast. How am I going to explain this to Soph? She doesn’t know about the accident and how I lost my memories; I have to tell her that before I can tell her about you, but I don’t even know where to start with that. She’s so young.”
He nods in understanding, but I can see that it’s hard for him to hear. I can’t let that get to me, I need to focus on Sophia and me before I can worry about him.
“Do you mind if I’m there when you tell her about me?”
It only seems fair that he be there to tell his daughter about him. I need to start thinking about how to include him in things that are about Sophia.
“I don’t see why not, but I need to prepare her for that. This is going to be confusing for her, and we’ll need to take it slow.”
He nods again, and this time, he can’t hide the excitement in his eyes, they brighten, and a smile slowly starts to take over his face.
“Do you have any other kids?”
He hesitates before answering.
“Uh, no. I haven’t been in another relationship since, uh, everything happened.”
Right, he was with me for a year, deeply in love with me, and then I was just gone.
Great going, Tanya.
He clears his throat and taps the counter with his knuckle.
“I have to get back to the city. Here’s my number, let me know what you decide.”
He slides a business card over to me and backs to the door. We don’t say anything, and he doesn’t take his eyes off me as he walks backward. Almost like he doesn’t want me to leave his sight. His back hits the door and he just smiles at me before turning and walking out; I let out a breath once he’s gone. All the tension leaving the room with him.