Chapter 2
The talk was serious…
“It’s not worth it,” Harlan told him.
“What isn’t worth it?”
“Everything. I can’t make anything better.”
“Let’s talk about steps to do just that.”
And the emotion excruciating…
He cried as he talked. “I keep seeing the disgust on his face. It makes me sick to my stomach.”
“Do you think you could talk to him?”
“No! What would I say…please like me even though I’m gay?” “Fuck!”
The suggestions…
“Maybe we could start by talking to your mother.”
“Oh, God.”
After an hour and a half, Caleb sat back in his chair. “I think you’re saturated talking about this, Harlan.”
“I-I’m whipped.”
“How about we stop for today and you can go to your cabin and rest now. We can meet again, if you want.” Caleb took out his phone and called up his calendar. “I’m free the day after tomorrow at three o’clock.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll be right here at four.”
“In this room?”
“Yes. Let’s plan on that.”
Harlan stood and trudged away.
A few minutes later, Caleb left the room and headed to Gemma’s office. From the doorway, he said, “Hey, hi.”
She looked up. Her pretty face was set off by auburn hair she’d pulled back in a knot and she wore another cute sundress. Her office smelled like exotic perfume.
“Come and sit down. You look exhausted.”
When he was situated, he said, “I am. Wow, I haven’t had a session that intense in I don’t know how long.”
“These kids’ issues are tough to deal with.”
His forehead winkled. “You seem so on top of things.”
“Not always. I make time to decompress.”
“How do you decompress?”
“Exercise mostly. Yoga, running. You?”
“I run. Maisy and I used to do it together. But Jackson worried about the pregnancy so we take walks now.”
“Hmm.” She braced her arms on the desk. “Caleb, I asked to see you today before all this happened with Harlan because I want to apologize for my probing at The Garden Grill. You told me you didn’t want to talk about what happened to you and I pushed.”
He took a deep breath. “Don’t get me wrong. I wish I could talk about it. But I just…”
She held up her hand. “I wasn’t asking for an explanation. I only wanted to say I’m sorry. And I’d like to be friends.”
He stared at her with the errant thought that he wanted more than friendship. When it got uncomfortable, she said, “Is something wrong?”
“No. I’d like to be friends, too. Let’s do some things together so we can get to know each other better.”
Her eyes twinkled. “I’d like that very much. Since we both run, shall we set up an exercise date?”
“How about after I meet with Harlan in two days? I’ll be here at four. I’ll wear my running clothes.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll probably need some exercise then.”
“Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll be ready. And by the way, if you’re going to keep meeting Harlan, you have to clear it with Jackson.”
“I’ll head over there now.”
She stood and came around the desk. He hadn’t noticed how tall and slim she was before. She held out her hand. He took hers in his, but his grasp wasn’t really a handshake. It turned out to be more like a caress.
Which shot sparks through him again.
* * *
“Knock, knock.”
Jackson looked up from his computer. “Hey, buddy.” He smiled at Caleb. “Do you have time to catch up?”
“I do. After I tell you why I came.”
“Sure. Let’s sit at the table.”
They took comfortable seats by the window and Caleb told Jackson about counseling Harlan. He didn’t interrupt. Jackson was the best listener he knew.
“Gemma called me while you were with him. To alert me. I’ve been worried about him, more than the others, about how he’s going to do on the outside.”
“I can’t share private things he told me, but I’d like to counsel him.”
“That’s great. We’ll have to add you to the roster at Pathways, though. It’s easy to do.”
Caleb shook his head. “That isn’t necessary.”
“Yes, it is. For insurance purposes and general policy.”
“All right.”
“I’ll email you the forms to fill out. Send them back to me before you see the boy again. And you’ll get paid.”
Caleb shook his head. “I don’t want money from Pathways.”
“Again, it’s policy. You can donate the money somewhere.”
“I—”
His assistant Harry’s voice came over his intercom. “Jackson, Maisy’s on the phone. She sounds upset.”
“Transfer her call.” He pressed the speaker. “Hi, honey. Is something wrong?”
“Yes.” Her voice was shaky. “I-I was cleaning the tops of the drapes and I fell off the step stool.”
Caleb saw Jackson’s face go pale.
“I called my doctor and he told me it’s probably fine but to come in as soon as I could. I don’t want to go alone.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
When he disconnected, Caleb said, “I’m coming with you, Jackson.”
Not many things rattled him but anything concerning Maisy did.
Caleb added, “And I’ll drive you. You’re upset.”
They arrived at his house in nine minutes. Jackson bounded out of Caleb’s Toyota and hurried inside. Caleb followed.
They found Maisy in the kitchen. Caleb waited by the door while Jackson hugged his wife. “Are you feeling okay, sweetheart?”
“Yes. My shoulder’s a bit sore, but I’m worried that the doctor asked me to come in.” Her hand drifted to her stomach. “About the baby.”
“Let’s go then.”
“We’ll have to take Freddie. He’s playing in his room.” They had a nanny who came in a few days a week but it’d take a while to get her here.
“I’ll stay with Freddie.”
His sister’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even see you, Caleb.” She left Jackson and hugged him. “Try not to worry about me.”
He hugged back. “I promise I’ll be okay. Just know that babies in the womb are tougher than the general population is aware of.”
“How do you know that?”
“One of the many things I learned as a pastor. Now go. I’ll let Freddie know you had to leave for a bit.”
Holding hands, the two of them walked out the door.
Caleb dropped down in one of the kitchen chairs. He believed what he told Maisy about the baby but this was his sister! He didn’t think he could live though any more loss.
Don’t go down that road. You tell everybody not to buy trouble. Follow your own advice .
Again, that wasn’t God talking to him. It was his own mind reassuring him. He’d listen to it.
* * *
The next time Caleb met with Harlan, they were outside on a bench under a copse of trees. And he brought a sketch book. It was a 9x12 spiral with a black cardboard cover.
“What’s that for?” Caleb asked.
“I, um, draw what I feel. I been using it all year.”
“Ah. Does it help?”
He shrugged.
“Would you share it with me?”
“You can see it.” Gingerly, Harlan handed the book to him.
Caleb prepared himself mentally for what he might see. “Would you mind if I start at the beginning?”
“Go ahead.”
On page one, he’d drawn a dragon. The fantastic animal filled the page. Its open mouth revealed sharp teeth. Its tail seemed to be swishing. And it was standing on its hind legs with his paws showing sharp claws. Caleb realized it nearly made him afraid.
Another page was filled with sharp knives of all kinds. Another had swords and symbols Caleb didn’t recognize.
After several pages of dragons and weapons, Harlan had drawn a muscular teenager in exquisite detail. He had longish brown hair, like Harlan’s. His brown eyes were shuttered and he was frowning. More symbols and swords, then guns and rifles. Interspersed with all of those were drawings of the dragon in various poses. Sometimes it was small. Sometime big. Often, fire breathed out of its mouth.
On the last pages, the dragon was extra-large and stood in front of a small figure of a boy. The next showed the dragon’s claws reaching out. Then the boy lay on the ground and the dragon hovered over him.
The last thing he’d drawn was the boy. Holding a knife. To his own throat.
Caleb said, “Wow. These are evocative.”
“What does that mean?”
“Suggestive of something else.”
Harlan gave a rueful laugh. “You think?”
Caleb stared at him. “Who’s the dragon?”
Harlan looked down and kicked the dirt under the bench.
“Is it your father?” Caleb asked softly.
Nothing. Then, a brief nod.
“It’s therapeutic to pour your emotions out this way, Harlan. Do you think he’s gonna hurt you?”
“No. I’m as big as him now.”
“But emotionally he could hurt you.”
Harlan gave Caleb a knowing look. “He already has.”
* * *
Caleb came to the door of Gemma’s office after his meeting with Harlan. Her first glimpse of him in a T-shirt made her take note. The blue matched his eyes and stretched against his shoulders, showing the breadth of them.
She said, “Hey, there.”
“Hi.”
“Another hard session?”
“Yeah, but a productive one.” He motioned to his clothes. “I’m ready to go.”
“Me too.” She’d changed into a summer top and shorts and sneakers.
“Let’s do it.”
“How was the session with Harlan?” she asked as they stepped out of her office and she locked her door.
“I prepared myself for seeing him so it wasn’t as depleting as the last time.”
“I do that too, so I know what you mean.”
They walked to the front of the mental health building and took the few steps to outside. “Gemma, did you know that he draws? He’s got a book full of sketches.”
“I didn’t know that. But lucky you. They could be a roadmap to his feelings.”
“They are.” Caleb sighed. “Let’s not talk about him the whole time. Okay?”
“Of course. As long as you know if his physical safety is at risk, you have to alert Jackson.”
“I know that from my practice.”
She smiled and linked her arm though his. “Let’s not use the track. I’d rather run around the campus. The grounds are so pretty.”
“Sure.”
The wind picked up as they started out and in her peripheral view, she saw how the sun highlighted the blond strands in his hair. The air was warm so they fell into a slow jog down a pathway that led to the open area on the campus.
“How’s Maisy today?” she asked. “Jackson told me what happened when she went to the doctor.”
“She’s fine. They heard the baby’s heartbeat at the doctor’s office so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“I’m glad to hear that. They went through so much to be together.”
“True love is never easy.”
“Well, you can’t see them together and miss how much they love each other.”
He chuckled. “I did some counseling with the two of them the night before Diego and Annie’s wedding. They were in love long before they admitted it. I helped facilitate a discussion that was overdue.”
“You must be very good at your job.”
“Lots of practice.”
She didn’t ask him to elaborate.
“Pastoral care was one of my favorite duties.”
Gemma stopped. “I’m afraid to ask for clarification because of that day in The Garden Grill, but you offered that up on your own.”
“I told you I overreacted. You can ask your questions.”
“Did you like being a minister?”
“I did. Until the bombing. Until I discovered my wife was having an affair with the youth pastor.”
She stopped. “I didn’t know that part. It must have been awful for you.”
“She said I was so involved in helping the families of the victims that I neglected her.”
Gemma touched his bare arm. “I’m sorry.”
“It was the last straw for me. The congregation lost three children and a baby and she complained about me helping the survivors.” He gave her a weak smile. “Let’s run this emotion off.”
They went faster, too fast to talk, and for twenty minutes they enjoyed the exercise and the warm weather. At one point, they slowed back to a jog then walked again. When they returned to her building, he stopped to face her. “Man, this felt great.”
“For me, too.”
He grasped her hand. “And Gemma, it felt good to get all that out, too.”
“I’m glad.”
She was sorry to see their time together end. She liked being with Caleb. Maybe too much. She was involved with Ryan and in any case, she’d bet her Coach purse Caleb wasn’t ready for a relationship with her or any woman.
That night, she met Ryan for dinner. They went back to her place and she felt guilty sleeping with him when she’d been so attracted to Caleb only hours ago.
* * *
The next day Caleb called his psychologist. At one point, he’d stopped going to counseling because he didn’t feel the sessions were helping, but now he needed one. So many conflicting feelings swirled inside of him.
“Robert Smith.”
“Hi, Rob. It’s Caleb Shepherd.”
“Hi, Caleb. What can I do for you?”
“I need to see you again if you have some time.”
“Sure. Give me a sec.”
He heard clicks on the other end.
“I had a cancelation today at four. Or that too soon?”
“It’s perfect. I have a session with a client at two so I’ll be over afterward. See you later.”
Caleb disconnected. Uplifted by his decision to seek help, he thought about Harlan. Images of dragons and knives had haunted Caleb since their last meeting. He needed to talk to someone about the situation.
About a half-hour later, there was a knock on the door of the special entrance they’d put in for his practice. “Come on in Marianne.”
She stepped inside. “Hello, Dr. Shepherd.”
He smiled. “Sit wherever you’re comfortable.”
She took a chair and he dropped down on one across from her.
“How are you today?”
“A bit better. Coming to see you helps me.”
He knew the feeling.
“How are things at home?”
“Gus is making an effort. I told him I’m going to take steps if it happened again.”
“What steps would you take?”
“Well, first I’d call the police, as you advised. Then, if he doesn’t stop, I’d file for a separation.”
Caleb waited. When she didn’t say more, he asked, “Has he hit you since I last saw you?”
“No. I think he believed what I told him.”
Caleb hoped her husband had gotten the message but abusers relapsed more often than not.
“Hmm. Another thing you could do is find a lawyer and make a connection with them. Plan to hire them if Gus doesn’t stop abusing you. It would be a sort of safety net.”
“All right. Do you have suggestions for who to call?”
“Yes. And she meets with clients who might need her at no cost. A few of my clients use her now.” He got up, went to his computer, clicked into the Resources folder and names came up. He wrote the information down and handed it to Marianne. “I hope you’ll follow through with this.”
“It’s a big step but I’m ready to take it.”
Caleb believed her. They spent the rest of the hour talking about her getting a job. How to stand up to Gus. Calling her friends, who he’d isolated her from. At the end, he knew he’d helped the woman. Which felt good.
At four, he arrived at his own psychologist’s office. Rob had let him in. The space still felt warm and inviting. He sat in his usual spot.
Rob smiled at him. “So, tell me why you’re back.”
“A couple of things I need advice about. One is that I’m counseling a troubled teenager from Pathways. It’s new ground for me.”
“Tell me what you can.”
He briefly described how he and Harlan had met, and in general, revealed some of what was troubling him. Then he told Rob about the sketchbook. Especially the last page.
“What do you make of that one?” Rob asked.
“It’s haunting me. I’m afraid he could be suicidal.”
“He could be, Caleb.”
“Then I’ll have to address it.”
“Just remember he keeps coming back. The drawing could be a cry for help.”
“Yeah. This is all good.”
“Do you want to talk about him more?”
“No, I know what I have to do.”
“You said you wanted to talk about two things. What else?”
He took in a huge breath and let it out. “I met someone.
A woman.”
“Go on.”
He squirmed a bit, saying all this aloud. “I like her a lot. And I’m very attracted to her. I tried to squelch the feelings, but that didn’t work. Every time I see her I…want more.”
“Caleb, there’s nothing wrong with all that. Or is she married or involved with someone else?”
“Not married. I don’t know if she’s with another guy.”
“Then find out and if not, pursue her.”
He stared out the window at the colorful summer flowers right outside the office, then turned his gaze back to Rob. “I want to. But I…I’m afraid.”
“You can be afraid and still go after what you want. Do you think she returns the feelings?”
“I don’t know. We decided to be friends to get to know each other better. We ran yesterday and it was…fun.”
“Again, all this is good.”
He was reminded of his own advice to Harlan when he’d opened up. He should take Rob’s words to heart.
“I…I’m letting her in. But am I ready to do that?”
“It sounds like you are. But a bit of hesitation is normal after what you’ve been through. Investing in someone is a risk.”
Caleb didn’t say anything.
“Maybe dip your toes in the water and see what happens. You can take this slowly.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.”
“And write in your journal about this. Ask yourself if taking the risk is worth it. Then free write pros and cons.”
He thought of Harlan’s sketch book. “Do you think it will help?”
“It has in the past.”
“Then that’s probably solid advice. All of this is. Thanks, Rob.”
“You’re very welcome.”
* * *
The next afternoon, Gemma was ready when Caleb knocked on her door again. She’d bought a new red dress with cap sleeves and a swirling skirt and chose to wear it today because she knew she’d see him.
She walked around her desk. “Hi, Caleb.”
He didn’t come inside.
“Is something wrong?”
“Not at all. You look lovely.”
“Thanks. Come on in.”
They both sat at the conference table and talked a bit about Harlan, then she sat up straighter. “Would you’d like to come over to dinner at my house tonight? I put a chicken recipe in the crockpot this morning.”
He didn’t answer right away, then straightened, too. “I’d like that.”
“Let’s go, then.”
They drove separately to the suburbs and turned onto Woodbriar Lane. The houses were unique and mostly modern, with treed lots. She pulled into the driveway of a cedar sided structure and then into the garage where she waited for him.
He joined her. “The outside of the house is beautiful. And the lot is so dense with trees. It’s like somebody picked up the house and deposited it among them.”
“Thanks. I love the setting.”
They went in through the entrance from the garage. He sniffed. “I can smell barbecue chicken. It makes my mouth water.” His stomach grumbled in consent. She laughed.
She led him down a hallway passing a closet, a laundry room and a bathroom. It opened to a space which spanned most of the back. “Wow.”
She smiled. “Thanks. I love this house. There’s a finished basement too.”
The kitchen led into a large family room with skylights. Hardwood floors ran though that space and into a dining room which peeked out through a wall on the other side of the house.
Off the kitchen was a big porch with the doors open to screens. It was furnished with a rattan couch and chair and table and chairs for eating off to the left. A deck surrounded it and a pool off that. He asked, “Do you like to swim?”
“Very much. It feels wonderful after a hard day at work.” She gestured to the house. “I have extra swimsuits here for guests.”
He frowned. Hmm, he didn’t like the sound of guests . Probably men.
“No one has worn the men’s trunks.”
He cocked his head. “You read my mind.”
“Your face actually. How about you go change in the laundry room where the suits are in a closet and I’ll go upstairs to put on mine then make us gin and tonics.” He started away and she called after him, “Get a towel for yourself.”
Light-hearted, she climbed the curved oak staircase up to her bedroom, changed into a one-piece black Speedo, threw on a gauzy coverup and grabbed a towel. She met him outside at the pool with the drinks. She could see him clearly as it was still daylight. Tall and fit, he wore red trunks and kept on his yellow shirt. He took a glass from her then sat on one of the chaises facing the pool. She dropped down in another chaise next to him. “To us,” he said holding her gaze.
She was hit with a wash of desire. The air seemed charged. “To us.”
They sipped. “Is it too strong for you? I don’t measure amounts.”
“No, it’s perfect.” He faced her. “So tell me why a young, single woman would buy such a big house.”
“I’m 40. Not so young. And I bought it when I put down roots in Westwood. What’s your house like?”
“I live in our family home, an old Victorian. It’s big, too. When we inherited it, Maisy and I redid the whole thing. Then she left when she married Jackson.”
“What about Freddie?”
“Maisy and I were going to adopt him together but once she found Jackson and moved out, I stepped back so they both could adopt him.”
“Was that hard?”
“Yeah, it was.” Sadness filled his voice. “I still see him a lot, but he often has other plans in their neighborhood so I have to be flexible.” He shrugged. “I do what’s best for him.”
“It seems to me that you do what’s best for everybody.”
“Hmm.” He cocked his head. His hair was sandy blond and thick, and a lock fell down onto his forehead. “Tell me about your family.”
“I was born in England where my parents taught at Oxford.”
“Oh. You don’t have an accent.”
“They moved back to the states when my sister got sick.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What does she have?”
“Did. She died of leukemia at 13.” A yawning emptiness filled Gemma every time she thought of Jade.
He reached out and grasped her hand. “Oh, Gemma. How awful for you and your family.”
“Mom and Dad passed three years ago. We were close up until the end.”
“Do you want to talk about this more?”
“No, not now.” She stood and pulled off her coverup. She saw Caleb’s eyes light up. “Let’s go in the water.”
She crossed to the deep end and dove from the side. When she surfaced, she saw Caleb whip off his shirt and execute a perfect dive. The water was warm and soothing. His hair was slicked back and his face was wet. But he looked pretty damn good. They swam some laps then stopped in the deep end holding onto the side of the pool.
He said, “I forgot how swimming felt on a hot summer night.”
“You didn’t have access to a pool in Binghamton?”
“No, I lived in a parsonage owned by the church. After all that happened, everything was sold to a lay person.”
She leaned over and kissed him. A light, soothing kiss. He grabbed her around the waist to hold her there. When he felt them starting to sink, he let them go under.
They came up laughing. Then she sobered. Her attraction to him heightened. She’d kept it at bay but now, she didn’t want to control it. She whispered, “Let’s go upstairs, Caleb.”
He hesitated. Then, “No more just friends?”
“I don’t know about the future. All I know is what I feel right now. What I hope you’re feeling now.”
“I am. Let’s go upstairs.”
* * *
Caleb cherished the feel of her climbing on top of him, both of them naked. She stretched out fully, covering his whole body. It had been so long that he’d forgotten the sensations of being with a woman. The feminine curves fitting to him, the sexy scent all came back to him.
He circled his arms around her and went with his gut. “You are so lovely, Gemma,” he whispered in her ear. “So feminine.”
Coming up on her elbows, she said, “Thanks, I guess.”
“You guess.”
“Femininity is sometimes equated with fragility. I’m not fragile.”
He brushed his hand down her hair. “We’re all fragile in some ways.”
“Kiss me again. I didn’t get enough in the pool.” She looked directly into his blue eyes. “I want you.”
“Oh, man, I want you, too.”
She kissed his lips but didn’t linger. She went lower and stopped at his neck. His pecs. His abdomen. Caleb reveled in her attention. When she got to his groin, he grabbed her arms and pulled her up. “Can’t do that, honey. It’ll be over before it began.”
“I—”
He flipped her and pressed her into the bed. Covered her with his body. Mirth rumbled inside her. He took her mouth. Laved her neck. When he got to her breasts he lingered. She let it go on for a bit then said, “No more.”
“Hey, I never got to the jackpot.”
She laughed out loud. Humor while making love was new to him.
He laid on his side and eased her leg over his. Holding her gaze, he entered her slowly. She was wet and ready for him. He savored the moment. Then he pushed in, drew back, pushed in again. On the third time, her spirals triggered his. He let it come and come and come until he spun out of control, the world bursting with pleasure he forgot existed.
* * *
Afterward, she said, “All I want is to cuddle into you.”
All he wanted was to hold her close. “Be my guest.”
A strong sigh from him.
One from her.
Then she pulled up the sheet against the air conditioning and her eyes closed.
So did his.
The next thing they knew, it was morning.
* * *
The fourth time Harlan walked into the room at Pathways for another session, he was nearly smiling. “Hey, Rev.” He’d taken to the nickname when it slipped out that Caleb was an ordained minister.
“Hey, there, Harlan.” Caleb studied the boy. He was dressed in a button-down black shirt and black pants. His hair was combed and his face had lost some of its tautness. And, he hadn’t brought the sketch book. “You seem…happy to be here.”
He dropped down into a chair. “I am.”
Caleb smiled. “I’ll take that as a good sign. Want to elaborate?”
He waited a bit to answer. “I guess meeting with you helped me feel better.”
“Can you tell me why?”
“Nope. You got any ideas?”
“I do. For one thing, unburdening yourself puts those feelings out on the table in broad daylight, where they aren’t so scary. That’s the first step.”
A bit of a frown. “What else?”
“You’ll keep getting better and better if we continue seeing each other.”
The kid held his gaze. “Don’t fix nothin’ though.”
“Let’s talk about what you would fix?”
His eyes narrowed. “If my dad left again.”
“Do you think that’ll happen?”
Harlan shook his head.
Caleb wanted to draw this out of him. “What are other options?”
“I dunno.” He searched Caleb’s face. “Do you?”
“I can give some suggestions.”
The boy sat up straighter. “Like what?”
“Does your mother have sway over your father?”
“She always does what he says so probably not.”
“I think maybe talking to her is worth a try.”
His eyes widened like saucers. “I can’t talk to her about sex.”
“You don’t have to. This is more about your relationship with her and your father. She took your side once.”
“Maybe I could talk to her. Would you come?”
“Absolutely. Jackson’s meeting with all the parents of the kids who are graduating. Maybe we can ask her to come early and talk to us.”
“Okay.” He watched him again. “Would you call her?”
“Sure. Now let’s talk about strategies for getting along at home.”
“Stayin’ out of my father’s way. I don’t have to be home when he is.”
Caleb knew the chances of that were slim. “That might work for a while, but it’s not a long-term solution.”
“I guess.”
“Something has to change. Let’s start with your mother.”
“I guess. If you say so.”
“Now that’s settled, I want to discuss your sketchbook. I’ve been giving it some thought. The images are disturbing, especially the last one. The boy had a knife to his own throat.”
“Yeah.” His brow furrowed. “The boy ain’t me, Rev. Honest.”
“I’ve got to ask you directly. Do you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself?”
“Nah. I told you the kid wasn’t me.”
Caleb wondered how far he should go with this.
“All right. For now. But I want you to promise me if you start feeling you want to hurt yourself, you’ll call me no matter what time of day it is. I’ll answer a call from you.”
“Yeah. Sure. But it ain’t going to happen.”
When the session ended, Harlan stood and walked out. Caleb followed him to the hall and watched him walk down the corridor. Had he done enough for the boy? Should he have kept him longer and probed more?
There was no clear answer to that.