Chapter 43
Forty-Three
Jaclyn
Present
Ever since Hayden left, I haven’t been able to stop crying. It’s like the tears won’t stop no matter how much I try to forget about Hayden and his words.
The guilt is eating me up and makes me feel like shit.
I know what I did was wrong and Hayden wasn’t lying when he said all that.
It just hurts to know how much I affected him by not letting him meet Junior earlier.
I’m standing in the shower trying to forget all about the whole situation that happened with Hayden. I just need a minute or at least a second where my mind is quiet and not running 100 mph.
I wish it would all stop again.
I took some pills just to quiet my mind down and Brandon started calling me a few minutes after Hayden left but I left it ringing.
I don’t have any more pills either. I ended up taking the last of my dosage which means I’m technically done with them.
As water runs down my chest I suddenly feel strong and familiar arms wrap around me. I can’t help but flinch and turn around quickly, only to see Hayden staring down at me.
“You’re okay. It’s just me,” he says softly as he caresses my hair. I rest my head in his chest and cry.
I cry because I wish things weren’t so hard between Hayden and I. I wish things weren’t always a disaster waiting to happen.
I just wish love was easier.
Hayden and I are quiet as we stand underneath the shower in one another’s embrace, the boiling water pouring on us. I rest my eyes and relax in his arms while hearing his heart.
His heart’s rapidly beating but he appears so calm and collected.
I’m still definitely not used to Hayden's calm and collected composure because he is the type of person to act out and if he’s mad, he’ll show it.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not knowing what else to say.
Everything he said, broke my heart and made me know for a fact that I can still feel something in there. Because God, when he said those words, there was no way to stop the crying.
I feel bad because Hayden lost so many years and memories with Junior and I’m the reason for that, because I was too scared to get broken again by Hayden Night.
Hayden has no clue what I went through though, so he has no clue how I feel or why I couldn’t have Junior meet him yet.
It’s not because Junior wasn’t ready, it’s because I wasn’t ready, especially to tell Hayden what happened that night but eventually he needs to know.
“I’m so sorry,” I say as I start to cry in his chest again.
Hayden doesn’t say anything. He just places his lips on my forehead and holds me as I cry.
We stay like this for a while, to the point where my whole body feels rough and soggy from the water.
Hayden gets out first and grabs my towel, holding it out for me. I get in the towel and he wraps it around me before putting a towel around his waist.
We both get ready for bed silently, him drying his hair and putting on his briefs and sweatpants. I put my hair in a braid and then put on some shorts and a big t-shirt that happens to be Hayden’s.
When I’m done I walk towards the bed where Hayden is sitting on the edge, almost like he’s waiting for me.
I go to sit on my side of the bed, resting my back against the headboard. Hayden doesn’t turn to look at me, he stays in that same seated position, looking down at the floor.
My eyes go to the crown tattoo on the top of his back.
He always said he wanted to get a tattoo for me but I beat him to it. I never thought he'd actually do it, especially after everything that happened.
“When Eric kidnapped me he put some syringe in my neck and I passed out in the car,” I start saying, and Hayden turns his head slightly. “When I woke up, I was in a dimly lit room. One cot, one sink, and a bucket near the bed. The walls were concrete, same as the floor and there were no windows. Pretty sure I was in a basement.” Hayden now fully turns around and faces me, scooting closer so he can hold my hand. “On the first day, Marco came in, I wasn’t drugged up anymore so I was fully aware of everything that was happening.”
Ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds.
“It was one of the worst moments I’ve ever experienced. Ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds,” I say, a tear falling from my eyes as the moment starts to replay.
Him ripping my shirt.
Me screaming at him to stop.
Me begging and pleading.
And then the little boy at the end telling me to hold on.
“I-” I shudder, making Hayden scoot closer and wrap his arms around me. He whispers in my ear that I’m okay and that I can stop whenever, but I keep going. “Eric and the others eventually had their shot at me but I wasn’t awake for any of that. They drugged me up so much to the point where I was throwing up every night. But they managed to keep my blood sugar from going too low or high because they wanted to make sure I was still alive and breathing. They wanted to make sure that you could still see me and the damage they inflicted on me.”
Hayden’s arms and whole body tenses against me. I rest my head on his chest, the tears still slowly falling. “And then the scar on my side was from Eric. I was stone cold sober when he did that.”
“Hey, sweetheart.” Eric closes the door behind him and locks it. “Just me and you today. Got my own personal agenda I need to take care of before Marco comes back.”
“He took a knife to my side and carved out the tattoo I got for you. He skinned me because he still saw me as your property and he didn’t like that.”
“No! No! NO! Let me go! Let me go! Please!”
I’m sobbing at this point.
Screaming to the top of my lungs for anyone, anyone to hear me and save me.
I want it all to stop.
Make it all stop.
I laugh through my tears and look at Hayden.
His eyes are so red and full of rage to the point where tears are starting to fall slowly from his lids. “And it’s the fact that it was all because of some fighter who just wanted to be good,” I say as more tears start to fall. Hayden licks the tears that fell onto his lips. “It’s the fact that being with you caused me all that damage. And that’s why I had to leave you Hayden,” I explain. Those ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds weren’t the worst moments of my life. Leaving you was because nothing could hurt more than losing your love.”
I start crying more and Hayden cries with me. He holds my face in his hands and rests his forehead on mine.
We cry together and block the outside world again.
I’ve never seen Hayden cry, ever.
I’ve seen him mad, so mad to the point where he broke a mirror in his room because his family was being rude to him, I’ve seen him mad about Eric to the point where he almost beat him to death, but I’ve never, ever seen him cry.
Even the night I left him, he was close to crying but he didn’t shed a tear.
“I didn’t want to cause you this pain but I had to protect myself because after all that, all I could see was that room when I looked at you Hayden.” I lean away from him and lick the tears from my lips. “I had to leave you so I could heal myself and having Junior did heal me.”
Hayden caresses my hair and puts a strand behind my ear. “I just wish I was there to help you.”
“I know. But I needed to be alone. That’s how I heal.”
Hayden nods his head. “I understand. I know and I shouldn’t have said you didn’t care. I just was hurt not knowing about Junior. I wanted a son and you knew that.”
“I didn’t mean-”
Hayden cuts me off by kissing me.
I still feel guilty.
I still feel like shit knowing I caused Hayden so much pain to the point where he starts crying.
Does he still love me?
After I betrayed him and caused all that chaos?
Does he still want a future with me?
Is this it?
“I want to meet him,” Hayden says after pulling away from me. “I want to get on the plane tomorrow and go to him.”
I knew this was going to happen someday.
I just wished I had more time and didn’t have to rush Junior or this whole process.
But it has to happen sooner than later.
I nod my head. “Okay.”