36 | Burning Truths
"Are you busy this weekend?" He repeats, like we're in the middle of a casual conversation.
My head is already so scrambled, thinking about my schedule right now is not helping. I try to think beyond Nolan's cute messy hair and the memories of what we just did but it's hard.
"I...I don't think so," I shrug, "Just work on Sunday."
He nods, an excited glint sparking in his eyes. I don't get it. He's hard to read sometimes but especially when my heartbeat is still thudding at a million miles an hour.
"Come with me to a wedding, in the city."
I blink, pausing completely. The whiplash of words take a second to sink in. A wedding? In the city?
He wants me to go with him?
"I have a plus-one," He continues, clearing his throat, "We could spend some time alone, real time alone. I'll be working the day of the wedding but after that... we can finally go on a date, maybe."
The information hits me like a train but also not at all. Nolan's weirdly nervous too, like he's struggling to ask but it's all he's ever wanted. My brain is already clasping at this fantasy that sounds too perfect to be true.
A weekend with him, just us. All that comfort, the feelings that bubble up to the surface when we're together, finally given space to breathe.
A real date, no feeling like being together will make everything implode.
If I wasn't so surprised the biggest smile would've already invaded my face.
This isn't just about what's happening between us, it's him letting me in.
His work, his life, the things he does alone.
My heart jumps, melting into that fluttery territory that seems to overtake my body.
But then I draw myself away from the fantasy.
"I can't..." I say, swallowing in defeat, "I have work and it'd be too suspicious, us both being up there at the same time. I can't come up with a good excuse."
Nolan's watching me very carefully, like he's cataloguing every fraction of my face to understand the reaction. Heat thrums under my skin, burning hotter under his gaze.
"Don't worry about work," He says, dismissing me like it's the most sure thing in the entire word. "Mina won't mind you missing a day or two...probably."
Her name, no matter how much he says it, still feels strange coming from his lips.
They're the last people on earth I would've guessed knew each other.
I hate that my jealousy still lingers. I shouldn't care at all but when I'm left out of all those details of his old life it's hard not to feel pushed aside.
"You clearly don't know boss Mina," I mutter, scrunching up my face to dissolve all the thoughts that are rapidly spiralling out of control.
Nolan shakes his head, again, insistent, "Tell her the truth, why you want time off and she'll be onboard straight away. She better be, or I'll just talk to her myself."
My eyebrows practically disappear into my hairline, lips parting in shocked surprise. Is he implying what I think he's implying?
There's no way.
"You told her about us!?" I squeal, unsure whether the knot in my stomach is fear, panic, embarrassment or a mix of all three.
The sheepish flecks of green in his eyes give him away immediately, before he can even say anything.
The stillness of the room has been interrupted, a rush of alarm pulsing in my brain.
The secret, our secret, how could he do that?
We still have so much to lose, fuck, if Riley found out right now she'd never speak to either of us again.
"No, no, I didn't," Nolan says, reaching forward to grab my hands but I move them away almost instinctively. The gesture hurts him, face flashing into something rawer for a second. "She guessed, said it was obvious."
"And you didn't deny it?"
"There was no point, Ava, she would never have believed me if I lied," He says, but some part of his intense composure is gone, "I promise Mina won't tell anyone, I told her not to but she knows better than that either way. She's a good person."
The words which do make quite a lot of sense twist into something uglier in my head. Mina, the person he trusts, the person he'll spill all his secrets to. All I get are the meanings of tattoos and warnings that the past shouldn't be revisited.
My heart beats faster, not in the good way this time. Someone knows. I'm sure she won't tell anyone but I don't know that for sure. I can't lose Riley...
I can't lose Nolan.
As much as the thought of him still shutting away the things I want him to confide in me so much makes my head spin, it's only because I like him. Because he's helped me with so much, given me a sense of security I've never really felt. I want to be his warmth too, I want to be his person.
"Ava..." He murmurs, hesitantly, like he's testing the waters. When my eyes move up from my lap I can see his jaw tensed, fingers aching to reach for me but unsure if I'll reject him again.
"I'm fine," I say, even when I'm not, "I wish she hadn't figured it out, but it's okay, if you say she's trustworthy then I believe you."
Nolan sighs, heavy, "You don't have to do that."
"Do what?"
"Pretend to be okay with things you're clearly not okay with. Tell me what's on your mind. I'll always listen to you."
The air stays static around us, charged in a way that feels like floodgates might burst open the next time either one of us speaks.
My heart tightens in my chest but Nolan's soft words and apologetic face is working, it's drawing me out of my internal recluse.
When he reaches an arm out again I watch it inch towards me.
"Come here."
I blink for a second, trying to resist, but I give in, leaning into his gesture and letting him pull me over so I'm sat beside him, his muscular arm firmly across my waist. My head falls into his shoulder naturally, like it was carved out just for me.
All my thoughts that drive me crazy suddenly feel safer to say out loud.
"I don't like people knowing, about this," I whisper softly, "And I hate that I don't like people knowing. I wish we could just tell people...I wish this was easier."
Nolan strokes his hand across my hair, grounding me even more. His head dips down and kisses the top of my head more gently than he ever has before resuming his absent-minded stroking.
"I know," He hums, voice quiet, "I wish it was easier, too."
The vulnerability hits me harder. It's the first time I've heard him sound like he's in the same headspace as me.
Usually he's so happy to break the rules, follow whatever he wants, but with this, he's being careful.
He cares enough not to hurt people and he's let that fact sink in, for real now.
"We are going to have to tell her, at some point," He adds, fingers grazing through blonde strands, "If we keep going on like this."
"I know..." I reply, but so quiet it sounds like a fact I'm not willing to admit. "Not now though. She's moving soon, you're still not as close as you could be, your parents are being...uncooperative. She's got enough on her plate."
Nolan's nod brushes the top of my head enough that he doesn't have to say anymore words.
Not now.
Maybe someday, but not now.
I let the silence sit for a second before my other thought slips out.
"Mina..." I start, unsure how to phrase my jumbled insecurity.
"You don't like that she knows?"
"It's not really that. You've only seen her twice and you're spilling all your secrets. I know there's your shared history or whatever but...I just want you to trust me enough too."
I hear Nolan's breath do something close to hitch, more like a breath of contemplation, like he's searching for the right reply. His hand slips deeper, fiddling with strands of hair like they're the most fascinating things he's ever seen. I wait for his response quietly, emotions raw.
I don't know why it feels like I just bared my soul to him.
"I do trust you. I want to tell you things, I have told you things no one else knows," He starts, "It's just difficult for me to go back there, to old places in my head.
You make me feel safe Ava, you make me feel comfortable and secure in all the best ways.
But I can't just crack open old wounds like that.
..it's nothing to do with not trusting you enough. "
I let his familiar voice wash over me, every thought-out word that's coming from a deeper place.
"Mina understands that stuff, which helps, but talking about it with her is just as hard.
I still don't open up as much as I should.
It's a matter of her being there back then, that's it.
I don't trust her more than you. I just don't want to burden you with things my brain already tries so hard to keep hidden. "
The reassurance helps. I get it, that whatever he went through fucked him up enough that it feels like too much to return to. I used to be annoyed by his avoidance but now I feel sad for him more than anything. He was a teenager clearly caught up in things bigger than him.
"I can handle the scary parts of you," I say, leaning back into his touch, "I wouldn't be here if I couldn't. I want everything, not just the Nolan that's trying to improve. Even the painful things, they shouldn't be trapped in your head alone."
For a moment his only response is a hmm that sounds like him processing every one of my words individually. Then his hand stills, tension blistering in the air, "Thank you, for saying that. You're such a beautiful, forgiving person, you know that?"
The compliment makes my cheeks burn pink almost immediately. I still get like that with every nice thing he says to me, like this is still a stupid crush I'm in denial about. I expect him to lighten the mood now, shift to his usual humour, but his voice stays low and honest.
"Ask me something," He says all of a sudden.
I frown, "What?"
"About before...I'll try and answer, as best I can."
"Really?" I ask back, completely bewildered. He's never been this open, never invited any questions about his past.
"Quick, before I change my mind."
My head spins with all the things I've ever wanted to ask. I don't want to dig too deep or he'll close off again. This past week has been baby steps and this is the biggest leap so far - I don't want to drive him backwards. I settle for something I've asked before.
"Were you in a gang?"
He shakes his head with a deep breath, "Not technically, it sort of operated like one, but no."
I nod, unsure what to do with the information. Not a gang. But, still, operating like one doesn't give me much context. I place my arm over his across my waist, holding us tighter together.
"Were you a criminal?" I murmur, aware of how silly it sounds, "Like...what did your not-gang do?"
When I tilt my head up to look at him properly I can see a flicker of something defensive. There's something in here that's clearly sensitive.
"Uh, drug-related stuff, mainly. Selling them. Some other stuff. Then stupid pretty theft and general disturbance. We were fucking annoying."
I nod but he still hasn't looked down at me. He's been stroking my hair this whole time like a distraction, something to soften the blow of his difficult words.
"Some other stuff?"I question. I know nothing about drugs, let alone selling them, I can't think of anything they would do beyond that.
"Oh, uh..." Nolan tries, but falters, "We would...fuck, sorry."
I shake my head, grabbing his chin and swivelling it towards me. I'm met by his pretty eyes all shiny and apologetic. He blinks at me like he's failed, messed something up.
"Don't apologise, you told me more than you've told anyone. That means a lot."
"I can't even answer more than two pretty easy questions, Ava," He huffs, still looking at me, "I'm all the way fucked up. I don't know why, I just can't-"
"I don't care. I don't care how fucked up you are, or if questions are hard for you. I care that you're trying, I care about you."
I pull him into a soft kiss, all mellow, nothing rough. It feels like kissing a wound better, patching over something bad. He meets my lips with the same gentle pace, like he's accepting my words as best he can.
When we pull away I can't help but glance at his handsome face. Every inch of chiselled skin, brown messy tufts, stupid lip ring, dark lashes, curved lips. It's become something I want to look at every day. I think I'm really fucking falling for him.
"We should go on a run."
That sentence gives me whiplash for a second time today.
"What?"
"You do it when your thoughts get too big for your head. I think we could both do with that right now, no?"
My eyebrows crease, studying Nolan's expression, "How do you know that?"
He smiles, "Lucky guess. I used to see you from my window."
"You were spying on me?"
"No," He chuckles, "We were neighbours, you think I didn't see you pass my house?"
I shrug. I hadn't thought he noticed me at all back then, well, besides all his intoxicated teasing in the dark hallways of his house.
That seems so far away now, a different reality where we never end up seeing each other again.
I make a mental note to ask him about our moments all those years ago next time he finds some vulnerability.
Nolan slips out of my grip, leaving me stranded on the couch as he stands up, lifting his leg up to stretch it casually. I watch the movement, distracted by the ridges of his pelvis as his shirt lifts up and down. But then my brain stutters back to life.
A run? Is he crazy?
"No... what if-"
"No one is here, fuck the neighbours." Nolan interrupts, predicting what I was going to say, "It'll be fine, I promise."
I bite down on my lip, contemplation running rife in my mind. I do need some fresh air, the warmth of this house has me exploding against the walls. Maybe he's right. Fuck it.
"Fine," I surrender, pushing myself up to join him, "But if anyone sees us, you're coming up with the excuse."
"Nothing will happen, pretty girl," Is all he hums, placing a few dotted kisses on my forehead.
When we get outside everything is a mix of familiar newness.
I'm used to the cool brush of wind on my skin, the pitter-patter of my heart as it tries to escape my brain for a while, the path under my jogging feet.
I'm not used to the six foot something man experiencing the same things next to me.
He's fit, fitter than me, so he keeps up with no trouble at all.
I actually think he's slowing his pace to match mine.
We share earbuds, familiar music in one ear as his steady breath hits the other.
We don't talk much and that makes it feel more intimate.
It's like I'm letting him into a quieter part of my life, one of my calming rituals I usually do alone.
It's nice having him here.
We go for a longer block than I usually do, curving around familiar streets as my breath tangles in my chest. That strain pulls at my lungs, bursts more adrenaline under my skin, keeps me pumping forwards. All my worries push to the side, the dark sky in my vision consuming me.
When we finally make it back, I slow down, chest heaving and brain heavy. I glance at Nolan who looks totally unaffected minus his slightly sweaty hair and more open-mouthed breaths. He smiles at me, lazily, and my stomach twists in a way that has nothing to do with the running.
"You know," He says between breaths, "I just realised you never answered my question."
My head is still unattached from my body, trying to work out what the hell he's talking about.
"I didn't?"
"No," His voice drops in volume slightly, "The wedding, this weekend. Will you come with me?"
With everything I'd almost forgotten about that. The idea of it all, some time like this, where we can just exist with the forbidden barriers keeping us apart at every second. Running with him won't feel like a crime, being buried in his touch won't feel like stepping on a landmine.
I'm about to say yes but scan his face first. Slightly clenched jaw, serious expression, almost-smirk brimming with authority. I know that face.
"Do I even have a choice?"
He shakes his head, face snapping into a full-blown grin "I'll pick you up on Friday afternoon."
?? ??
I can't sleep.
I'm not sure why, whether it's brimming excitement for my new weekend plans or all those worries that keep me underwater. Maybe it's both. Either way, my eyes keep flicking open, meeting the barely visible walls of my room. My limbs won't go heavy, my body still feels awake.
I eventually give up, pushing myself out of bed and trailing downstairs to get a glass of water.
My small movements rattle louder in the silence of the house.
I use my phone flashlight to navigate the kitchen, fumbling till my glass is full.
Before I can take a sip, I pause, distracted by the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.
Mom.
I feel like we've been even more distant since Christmas, trapped between our various commitments. I think that's why my heart twists in warmth when I realise I get to see her. I stay still, waiting for the engine to die, then for the rattle of keys in the door.
She shuts it, slowly, trying not to wake me, then walks into the room. She jumps a little, enough to elicit a small gasp, then it trickles into a tired laugh.
"Ava, honey, you scared me."
"Sorry," I wince, moving over and hugging her quickly. The familiar embrace is comforting in a way nothing else is, in that motherly way. I needed this.
"You okay there?" She hums, letting me hug her as tight as I need.
I pull away and nod, "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
I insist I'm okay despite everything being confusing, complicated and keeping me up at night. But my mom has enough to deal with, she doesn't need my boring, insecure burdens. Having her here is more than enough.
"I've taken a full weekend shift," She hums, "So I'll need the car both days. I hope that's alright?"
"Don't worry...I'm not going to be here this weekend."
She frowns, curious, "You're not?"
"I'll be in the city, with a friend."
God, that did not sound convincing.
Me and Nolan agreed that I would pretend to be visiting a family friend. Everyone knows about his wedding, but not where it is. If anyone asks it's further from Ivefield in the opposite direction. No one will know we're together.
I expect my mom to question me more, but instead she smiles, placing her bag down on the counter before moving to make herself a tea. It's not because she believes me, she knows I'm lying. My head tangles together, anxiously waiting for her to pull the truth out of me.
She's my mom, she can smell my fibbing from a mile away.
When she presents two hot mugs at the table and gestures for me to sit down opposite her, I don't know what to expect. I bring the tea to my lips too early, burning my tongue.
"It's a boy, isn't it?" She says, suddenly.
It's not accusatory in the slightest, more like a general statement, but my body reacts like it's an attack. My limbs stiffen, eyes widening as my lips flutter apart, then closed. I don't know what to say.
"You don't have to lie to me, Ava. I can tell."
Her hand reaches across to mine over the table, holding it lightly for a second. It steadies the spinning room, makes me look at her properly. I want to hold on to the truth for longer but I know there's no point lying now.
"How did you know?" I whisper.
"You were distant, not telling me things," She says, sighing, "But then you seemed happier, like something was going right. I'd only assumed...but that confirms it."
I follow where she's gesturing with her finger, a small circle of flesh between my lower neck and shoulder. It dawns on me with horrifying embarrassment.
Did Nolan give me a fucking hickey?
Colour drains from my face as my cheeks light up pink, "Oh god, that's so embarrassing, sorry."
My mom laughs, dismissing my panic, "Don't apologise. You're young, I've been there."
I shake my head, "I should've been more careful."
Getting a hickey is bad enough, getting one when you're supposed to be hiding your relationship from everyone around you is terrible. Even though I can't see it, that patch on my neck suddenly starts to feel hotter.
"So, who is he?"
"He's...it doesn't matter," I say, with the least convincing tone anyone has ever had.
"So that's why you're going away on a trip with him?"
I wince, trying to find the right sentence, but everything is derailing in my head. I wasn't prepared to answer questions about any of this.
My mom sighs, voice softer, "Ava, how much do you like this guy?"
"A lot," I admit, "I really like him...but it's complicated. I can't really tell you anything more right now, I want to, but it's not a good idea."
I expect her to be mad, or annoyed, but she isn't, she just nods like my explanation makes complete sense. It soothes all the worry in my brain, that my mom trusts me enough to make this decision.
"As long as you're safe and careful then I understand it's your business," She says slowly, "You'll come to me when you're ready."
I smile, getting out my seat to give her another all-encompassing hug. Even if it wasn't fully, it feels nice to get some of this off my chest. I squeeze her, hard, the room melting into a gentle glow.
"Will you cover for me this weekend?" I ask, hesitantly, "Just say I'm with a family friend, if anyone asks."
She nods, "Of course," then hesitates, "But I am very curious now, about this mystery man."
"Maybe one day you'll meet him," I reply. Little does she know she already has. What would my mom even think of Nolan? I have no idea what she knows about him. Whilst he was being a nuisance she was dealing with her own shit, I don't think she ever saw the extent of his issues.
"Maybe soon," She hums, taking a sip of tea, "Seeing as he's already been here."
I freeze mid movement.
My brain flashes the unwelcome memory of what we did on that couch, me coming over my own hand as he pushed his cock into me, getting himself off on top of me.
Those minutes of bliss.Watching you fuck that wet little pussy whilst I grind against you might be the hottest thing I've ever seen.
"Come on, you think I can't tell when there's been a man in the house?" My mom laughs, casually.
But it doesn't feel casual to me, not at all.