Chapter 16 #2
“You don’t know you won’t change your mind,” I argue. “If I move all my things in, it’s going to be so much more difficult to leave again. I can’t couch surf with a U-Haul’s worth of stuff!”
He considers me a moment, licking his lips and rubbing his chin before he answers. “You’re allowed to take up space, Romeo,” he says eventually.
The words are simple, but they make my stomach drop out. I shake my head as adrenaline floods my system, and I try and pull away from his grasp, attempting to flee.
But he just holds on tighter.
“No,” I grunt.
“Yes,” he hisses back. “You matter, Romeo Quincy. I know you’ve had key people in your life trying to convince you otherwise, but they’re wrong. They’re also not here now, I am. And I’m telling you…”
He glances around the room in frustration, and I flinch, naturally assuming it’s directed at me. But then his eyes widen at the open closet in front of us, and he reaches out to shut the doors.
The mirrored doors.
Suddenly, I’m inches away from my own reflection.
Julian deftly repositions us so we’re facing ourselves head on, and he stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest and placing his chin on my shoulder.
I feel trapped, but as much as my heart is pounding, I don’t try and flee this time.
Looking at myself is hard, but his strong arms make me feel safe.
I cling to his wrists and allow myself to remain captive.
“Tell me what you see,” he murmurs into my ear.
“A hot Daddy and a hot mess,” I quip, because the idea of being vulnerable or sincere right now scares the shit out of me.
Julian doesn’t even flinch at my attempt at brattiness, though.
“I’ll tell you what I see,” he continues, his breath ghosting against my cheek.
“I see a fierce, beautiful man who has refused to let anyone else define him. I see someone who knows exactly who they are and lives their life proudly and unapologetically. But I also see someone who’s been hurt and rejected.
So they can’t see why anyone would want to stand by their side.
Why anyone would want to celebrate them and be associated with the parade they walk in every single day.
But I’m telling you, Romeo. That’s what I want.
You’re not too much for me. You’re perfect.
You’ve been hardened by time, but just like a diamond, you’ve come out the other side stronger and more beautiful than ever.
I want to be there for you. As a friend or… something more.”
I shudder and hastily scrub at my damp face as much as I can with him still pinning my elbows to my side in his unfair cuddle cage.
“I still see a hot mess,” I say mulishly rather than genuinely consider all the lovely and horribly truthful things he just said.
Or the fact that he wants more than I’m sure I can give.
“What do you really see?” he asks, holding my gaze in our reflection. “I want you to tell me one honest thing about this amazing young man in my arms. I want to hear that you understand he’s worth taking up space. That he’s more than the rejection he had forced upon him.”
My face crumples and I do finally make an attempt to pull out of his grip. But for once in my life, there isn’t anywhere to hide.
“No,” I whimper again.
“Yes,” he tells me, softly this time. He raises his eyebrows and nods. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
I dig my fingers into his arms and gasp for air, feeling dizzy as my legs tremble. I don’t fall, though. Like he said. Julian has me.
I’m safe.
“I…I see…” I stammer, trying to look at my reflection the way he is.
I take a deep breath, then another. The truth is, I love the way I look. I worked damn hard to have the freedom and confidence to be this damn fabulous. But I always told myself it was just armor, and that if anyone realized what was on the inside, they’d know I was a fraud.
That’s not what Julian is saying, though. Perhaps not everything I’ve been showing to the world is all a charade. Is it possible that when you fake it till you make it…you can actually make it in the end?
Is that this moment, right now?
I bite my lower lip. Julian is still hugging me tightly, meeting my eyes in our reflection. What does he see? Can I see it too?
I see someone who’s still here. That’s a fact even I can’t deny.
Eventually, my voice comes back to life.
“I see…a survivor.”
“Hell fucking yes,” Julian growls. He places a kiss on my jaw, just below my ear. “What else?”
Warmth rushes through me, and I realize I’m standing on my own two feet again. Julian still has his arms around me, but I’m the one carrying my weight. I take a couple of long, shuddery breaths in and out. The words come slowly, but they come.
“I see a person…who decided years ago…to stop making himself smaller to try and fit in other people’s boxes.”
“Damn right,” Julian says, giving me a squeeze. “Tell me what you deserve, Romeo.”
I look into my own eyes. There’s a fire behind them despite the tears. Inside me, I feel resistance at the idea I deserve anything. I’ve earned what I have, all of it.
But maybe that’s what Julian is really asking. What have I earned the right to? Being deserving doesn’t mean just getting things handled to you. What do I deserve because I worked hard for it?
I shift my gaze from my eyes to Julian’s. He believes in me. I’m still not entirely sure why, but it’s difficult to argue with the resolve that’s clear on his face.
“I deserve to take up space,” I tell him, my voice steady despite my racing heart.
It feels outrageous to say something like that out loud, but the audacity of it makes me giddy.
A laugh escapes my chest. “I deserve to take up space!” I cry louder, and Julian laughs with me, kissing my cheek with a noisy snack.
“Yes, you damn well do.” He releases me and we turn and face one another again. “So will you please take up as much space as you need in my annex apartment? And…my life. I mean it, Romeo. There’s no place else I’d rather be on my day off than here, helping you.”
“But you’ve already done so much,” I protest weakly. The high from my mirror confession is already fading and reality is creeping back in. “You said you wanted some time apart, now somehow I’ve managed to gatecrash your whole life.”
He cups his hand against the side of my face, making my knees feel wobbly again. But this time in a good way.
“I only wanted time apart because I was afraid of hurting you, sweetheart,” he says. “Not because I don’t want you around.”
The ‘sweetheart’ really does almost take my legs out, and I grab the front of his T-shirt for support. He smiles, apparently unbothered by my swooning.
“I’ll give you all the space you need, of course,” he continues. “But as far as I’m concerned, I can’t get enough of you.”
He strokes my cheek with his thumb and gives me a look of endearment. My heart skips a beat. He’s so gorgeous.
“I can’t promise not to make mistakes,” he says, wincing apologetically. “I just want to be there for you. To be with you, if that’s what you still want?”
There’s a hint of vulnerability in his words that stun me. Does he actually think it’s possible that I wouldn’t want him? He’s a dream, a catch. The kind of guy I’d fantasize about bringing home to my mother if only she weren’t such a terrible person.
“I don’t want to be a burden,” I whisper, repeating my words from earlier because they’re important. I can hardly dare to let myself feel what I’ve been steadfastly avoiding these past few days.
Could it be possible to have something with Julian after all? To get the thing I do desperately want?
Do I deserve someone so incredible? He did just try and drill into me that I’m allowed to feel like I deserve things. But him? Surely that’s asking too much.
Julian shakes his head, his expression still so soft and kind.
“You’re not a burden, Romeo. You’re brilliant.
But I know I’m doing a one-eighty from what I asked you before.
Asking for space then telling you I’d like you in my life.
The situation has changed dramatically around us, though, and it’s forced me to re-evaluate what I really want.
The only thing I’m scared of now, however, is crossing your boundaries.
So if you want me to back off, I’ll do that in a heartbeat. ”
“No,” I say quickly, speaking before my fears and doubts can get the better of me. I’m not listening to them for once. I’m listening to the evidence Julian is giving me right now. He asked me to trust him, to believe he knows his own mind.
I have to do that. I have to be brave. Otherwise, I’ll lose everything.
“No,” I repeat. “I don’t want you to back off. I…I want you.”
The admission leaves me lightheaded but also exhilarated. I grin at him, loving how his eyes brighten.
“You want me?” he clarifies.
I nod, squeezing the material of his T-shirt still gathered in my fists.
“I want you to help me, Julian. Please.” I take a fortifying breath. “I want to stay in your apartment. I want…you. To see you, to be with you. I don’t know what that really means, but I want to try.”
I feel a bit nauseous. However, he beams at me. “Look at you, asking for all these things that you want. I’m so proud of you.”
My cheeks heat with a blush and I glance away. “So…” I say, attempting to hold back a grin as I peek back at him. “Are we really doing this? Are we going to see if we can be together? In some way?”
Cautiously, Julian leans in, brushing our lips against each other. It’s incredibly chaste compared to some of the stuff we’ve already done, but my heart bursts into confetti all the same.
“I’d love that,” he says with so much warmth in his voice it makes me feel like I float off the floor, like a hot air balloon.
Then he huffs and arches an eyebrow at me.
“Now that’s all sorted, will you let me take care of you, please?
All the other heavy emotional baggage can wait.
But I’d really like to make a start on the literal baggage before the roof potentially falls on our heads. ”
I know he’s being quite serious and we really shouldn’t spend any longer here than necessary for safety reasons. But I can’t help the relief that crashes over me, and I stumble backward as I start laughing so hard I have to hold my sides.
Julian likes me. Julian is fighting for me.
No one ever does that. But more importantly, there’s no one in the whole world who I want to do that more than him.
“You’re being a very bossy Daddy right now,” I tell him once I catch my breath, apparently feeling better enough to tease him. Which is remarkable in itself considering how awful I was feeling mere minutes ago.
He rolls his eyes and puts his hands on his hips. I’m sure he intended to look intimidating, but it just comes across as hella sexy to me.
“And you’re being a bad boy, not doing as you’re told.” He startles me by smacking my ass and I yelp before giggling in delight. “Now can we please start packing all these beautiful clothes away?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I assure him.
He doesn’t correct me.