Chapter 14
I feel his presence a split second before I feel his body press against mine.
The slight gasp that spills from me as my body tenses when he catches me off guard.
His arms wrap around me while I’m cooking bacon.
My mind short-circuits. Him being this close always sets me on edge.
I try to stifle the way my body wants to relax into him, the way it wants to tremble for him.
He engulfs me, his heat, his smell. It’s intoxicating.
I hate that I love the way he makes me feel.
I’ve always had a crush on him, for as long as I can remember, my brother’s best mate.
As long as I’ve known him, he has always been the cool kid, the sexy one.
The girls wanted to be with him, and the boys wanted to be him.
According to him, that wasn’t always the case, but I can’t imagine a time when he wasn’t… him.
When I moved in with him and his mum, he looked after me.
He was patient, kind, strong, and even though he teased me relentlessly and still does, there’s never any bite in it.
It makes me feel safe and seen. I used to look at him like he hung the moon.
Honestly, I still do. I just try to camouflage it better now.
There are twelve years between us. Steven and Killian always looked after me, took me to the park, and played games with me. Made me feel wanted and part of their little gang, and then Mum and Dad died.
Steven has been absent since, going through his own stuff since we lost our parents, but I needed him; he was all I had left in the world.
I didn’t understand why they were just gone.
I see why he was, too. Unable to make sense of any of it, I clung to Killian.
He was my lifeline, the one constant I’ve had my whole life.
He was the only thing keeping me afloat, and I think I formed a weird attachment to him.
More of an infatuation. And then we got older, and it turned into a crush, then a full-on fantasy.
I can’t help but long to be near him. Letting out a sigh as he clings to me before leaning over and swiping a piece of bacon straight from the pan.
My arm flicks out as I swat at him with the spatula, but he spins away from me.
I daren’t turn around, though, my body’s response to him is blatantly obvious, and trying to dig its way into the cupboard door.
I need to concentrate on anything but him.
If he only knew about how I dream about him, the fantasies I create in my head.
He’d never look at me the same again. I love him, I always have, but this is starting to get a little out of hand.
It’s why I moved home, to give me a bit more separation, but I really miss him.
After we’ve eaten, he takes the plates away and flops into the chair. “So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”
He startles me from my thoughts. My mind is racing; maybe this isn’t such a good idea. “Just thought I’d stop by, wondered what you were doing and if you wanted to have a movie marathon or something.” I smile at him, and he smiles right back.
“Sure, Nerd. Fire up the TV. I’ll grab some drinks and snacks. You pick the movie.”
I clap my hands, my doubt on the back burner at the thought of being able to spend some time with him. In the living space, I pick up the remote off the table and grab the blanket. I fluff all the pillows up around me and turn the TV on, scrolling through the lists.
Finally, I choose a random action movie and set it on pause, ready to go.
Killian joins me with snacks and slips under the blanket, too.
He’s so close, his leg is pressed against mine.
Heat spreads through me as his scent washes over me.
He keeps looking at me, and his breath skates across my cheek when he laughs at the funny bits.
His blinks become longer, and his breathing evens out.
I can’t help but stare at him when he’s like this.
The way the light hits his features is breathtaking; his eyes sparkle when he laughs, but when he’s sleepy, they get darker, his lashes flutter as he fights to keep them open.
They’re long and dark and frame his eyes perfectly, and his cheeks redden slightly.
Lost in each freckle, each strand of his stubble, I gasp.
“Killian. What’s that on your face?” I lean in closer, stroking my fingers gently across his cheek.
“What?” he mumbles.
“Your face. Oh my God, Killian, did someone hurt you?”
His eyes dart open, fully awake now. His body tenses as his eyes flit to mine. “Scott, it’s fine. It’s no big deal.”
But I’m so close, my fingertips brush over the slight bruising across his skin. His eyes close as I brush against his cheek, staring intently at every slight discolouration I was unable to see before.
“Shit, Killian, it’s worse than I thought.”
His hand slides around my wrist, pulling it back slightly. He brings my fingertips to his lips and gently kisses them before pulling my hand to his chest.
“I’m fine, Nerd. It’s just a little sparring at the gym, a stray hand here and there. Honestly, it’s nothing.”
His thumb strokes slowly, back and forth, across my wrist, and I’m sure he can feel my pulse hammering.
“Killian, maybe you should stop. I mean…” Concern fills me; I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to him. “It doesn’t look like you’re any good at it. Maybe you should try something less physical.”
The smile that spreads across his face makes him look so much more handsome than I ever realised. I feel myself wanting to lean in and kiss him. My eyes close, and I try not to make a fool of myself.
“Hey, I’m okay, honestly, you should see the other guy.” He laughs, and I startle. Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? I flinch, and he lets go of my hand. “It’s cute that you’re worried, Scott. But I’m totally fine. Now, let’s finish watching this.”
Suddenly, my mind realises how close we are and that I seriously thought about kissing him.
I grab the cushion, cuddling it to my body as I flop against the sofa, blatantly aware that my dick is hard again.
Why is this my life? We sit in silence for a while.
I try to breathe normally, try to think of anything other than his hot body next to mine, the way he smiles at me, his scent as it skates around me, drawing me in.
He slouches lower, and his head lolls and rests on my shoulder.
My breath stutters out of me as I lean into him.
I rest my head against his. The smell of him soothes me.
The weight of him against me makes me feel…
everything. I’m so glad he showered. I’m ignoring the fact that he came home smelling of sex, of some random man or woman he picked up in a bar.
He probably doesn’t even remember their name.
I can’t be mad about it, though, but I can admit it hurt a little. Which is a crazy thought I don’t allow myself to entertain.
I know I shouldn’t. I know he doesn’t look at me like that, but I long to experience what it would be like to be with someone like him.
Not someone like him, to be with him. I hear what they call him—One-hit wonder—because he only sleeps with people once and leaves them wondering how to get more.
I just want to have that chance. I take a deep inhale.
Letting his scent fill my nose, I snuggle in a little closer.
Loving that he’s so tired that he lets me.
I turn into him. I lift my legs under the blanket and lay them over his.
His body leans into me more. Almost pushing me back, gravitating towards mine.
I end up lying on the sofa, with him resting half on mine, half on the sofa.
His thick arm bands over me, holding me against him.
My dick is solid. Uncomfortable. I long to rub it, to ease it.
But I can’t, not on him. Not while he sleeps, but damn it, I want to dry hump him so bad.
Killian’s head rests on my chest, and he nuzzles into it.
He takes a deep inhale and roots his nose into my jumper.
I turn into him, my leg slides over his hip, and I stare into his beautiful face.
This close, there’s more bruising visible.
I run my hand across his brow, moving his still-damp hair, and his face chases my touch.
My fingers roam his warm skin until I’m cupping his cheek, and he nestles against it.
I kiss his forehead, knowing I’m skating on thin ice, but I can’t help my body’s response to him. It’s only getting worse as I get older.
Now I know I’m gay, he’s all I think about. I want him more than anything, but I lie content with having him in my arms, his body wrapped around mine. His arm holds me tightly against him. My cheek settles against his head, and I breathe him in.
Rationally, I’m doing nothing wrong. But in this moment, I’m here with Killian. I’m ignoring the whole Derren situation, and it’s not as hard as you’d think. It’s a fine line to: Derren, who?
When I’m alone, I can’t help but let my thoughts run wild about Derren.
I’m so confused. But the reality is, Derren will never match Killian.
Deep down, I know I have to let Killian and my unattainable fantasies go.
I have to give Derren a proper shot. I need to for my own sanity.
But now, in this moment, while I have him to myself, I’ll let this be what it is and be thankful for these precious moments.