Chapter 40
FINLEY
It’s impossible to focus on anything but the weight of Jayden’s arm around my shoulders and the firm grip of Eli’s hand around mine as he strokes the inside of my wrist with his thumb.
I’m certain that if I breathe too deep, the swell of my emotions will squeal out of me.
The buzz from Elijah’s and Jayden’s kisses is still thrumming through me as the movie comes to an end hours later and we sit here staring at the hardly touched popcorn bowl on the coffee table.
I want to ask what now, except I’m afraid that if they’ve had time to think, Eli and Jayden would realize how crazy this is. The idea of the two of them being mine.
A part of me thinks it’s selfish. It reminds me of all the scriptures I was taught. How God made a man for every woman. One man for one woman.
One man.
Thing is, Elijah and Jayden are two sides of the same coin. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they complete each other. It’s why they’re so naturally in sync.
Like when they kissed me.
Jayden’s tender pecks to my forehead and that one lingering nip below my ear while Elijah’s tongue twirled with mine in between savored pulls of my lips. It didn’t feel like I was being pulled back and forth between them. It was different and overwhelming. Like their energies colliding inside me.
I’ve never felt so full and at peace. Like finally my skin was perfect for me, and—
The blare of Elijah’s alarm pulls me from my thoughts.
“Bedtime,” he groans, silencing his phone.
“Yeah, I need to get my head down, too,” Jayden says with a sigh on the other side of me, his fingertips trailing lightly along the curve of my shoulder while Elijah’s hold on my hand tightens. “Do you want to carpool to the facility?”
“Sure,” Elijah replies before he asks me, “What are your plans tomorrow?”
“Umm...” It takes my brain a beat to catch up.
Plans... “In the morning, I’m meeting Summer at the studio to get the paint ordered for her mural.
She wants to take me through the client system and the tasks she wants me to take over.
Then Christina is meeting me there, and we’re coming back here for lunch. ”
“How are you getting to the studio?” Jayden asks, his thumb trailing along my shoulder to my neck where he strokes the same spot he nipped earlier.
“I set up Uber on her phone,” Elijah replies at the same time as the second bedtime alarm goes off.
“In the morning I’ll ask Alfie to walk you to the car and make sure it’s legit, and—”
“Elijah already gave the doorman instructions.”
“Oh, good!” Jayden sounds so upbeat about it that I don’t have it in me to point out that I’m a grown woman, and while there are some sketchy things going on that are out of my control, I can and need to look after myself.
I can’t depend on other people forever. That was my life in The Fellowship, not out here. Although I'm wary of what’s going on, I’m excited to move forward with my life. To explore this world and the possibilities it brings.
“Wait,” Elijah mutters while he reluctantly gets up and tugs me to my feet with him. “How come he doesn’t get the whole ‘you need to stand on your own two feet’ lecture?”
“Because I’m special,” Jayden retorts, pressing a kiss to the top of my head when he stands, his long arm draping around my shoulders in his easy way.
“Yeah, real special,” Elijah grumbles, aggressively typing out a message on his phone.
“At least I’m not a grumpy fuck.”
Elijah levels him with a dark scowl that morphs to an exasperated eye roll when his phone starts ringing.
“Seriously? I’m literally about to walk to my bedroom and get into bed,” he mutters into the phone.
His fingers knot with mine as he pulls me to him and presses a kiss to my head, right where Jayden kissed me moments ago. I can hear Lex’s voice droning on as Elijah guides me towards the kitchen. Jayden follows us, his hand flat to the bottom of my spine.
After Elijah’s outburst earlier, I can see why he feels suffocated by everyone.
We all want what’s best and for him to get better, but we’re all constantly nagging him about it.
I know firsthand how awful it is to have others constantly steering your actions and choices.
Like I don’t want that for me, I don’t want it for him, either.
“You don’t need to call me every night to—” There’s a pause where Lex’s tone rises enough to cut Elijah off. “I’m following the schedule. Five minutes here and there isn't the end of the world.”
While he goes about grabbing a water from the fridge and taking the melatonin the neurologist prescribed to help him adapt to his new sleep schedule, Jayden turns me toward him.
“So...” He starts. His usual cool is gone as his hands mold to my hips, and he takes a step into me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yes.”
I try to ignore the sudden wrench of my heart, but it only gets heavier when he draws me all the way into his chest and his arms coil around me. Jayden hugs me tight with his face buried in the crook of my neck when I wrap my arms around his shoulders.
“Goodnight, Lucky,” he murmurs.
“Goodnight, Hotshot,” I whisper back.
Still, neither one of us moves or let’s go. He holds me, and I hold on to him.
My pulse picks up with every second we stay this way.
Too soon, Jayden pulls back, and his hands move from my hips, holding either side of my face as he asks, “You good with this?”
“Yes.”
“For sure?”
When I nod, his stare narrows on mine. Waiting for me to verbalize my answer.
“For sure,” is all I get a chance to say before his lips press to my forehead in a hard kiss that sends a frisson of electricity all the way to my belly.
Jayden holds his mouth there while I breathe him in. He always smells good, but there’s something about his scent mixed with Elijah’s that makes my lungs burn. I can’t get enough of it.
Of them.
Right now, I wish he would kiss me. That same need I was feeling the other night when Elijah kissed me consumes me again. Maybe if I were braver, I would just take it. Or maybe it’s not so much about bravery as it is about experience.
I’ve only ever kissed one man. I’ve only ever been with one man. Whereas Jayden has experience. He knows the difference between a good kiss and a bad one...
“Goodnight, Baby,” Jayden whispers before taking a step back.
Elijah’s perched on the kitchen counter; a smile warms his face all the way to his eyes while he watches me with his best friend.
I keep waiting for the ground to open or lightning to strike me. I keep anticipating the moment when Elijah hates me for having feelings for Jayden.
It never comes.
He just watches us like his happiness depends on it.
“Don’t forget the Air Tags tomorrow, okay?” Jayden tells me. “And if you get any freaky sense that something’s off or anything weird happens... catches your eye... anything at all—”
“Jayden, I’m going to be fine,” I assure him at the same time as Elijah asks, “What Air Tags?”
“The trackers Jayden got me with my phone,” I reply to Elijah before I promise Jayden, “I’m not going to forget your stalker tags.”
“The sass is not cute right now, Lucky.”
“You need to add them to my phone,” Elijah demands, hopping off the counter and throwing his phone to Jayden.
“Go to bed, I’ll do it tomorrow morning,” Jayden tells him, handing him back his phone. “I mean it, Finley-James, anything weird, and you call me.”
I nod, and he kisses the tip of my nose, followed by my left cheek, and then my right. Each time his lips caress my skin, the air closes some more.
Elijah leans into Jayden, whispering something in his ear before he wishes us both a “good night” with a grin tugging at one side of his face.
He’s excited. I can feel it in the way his hand trembles slightly when he brushes his finger along my jaw as he meanders backwards toward the bedrooms, still watching Jayden and me.
I’ve never seen him like this since we were kids, and he walked me to my grandparents’ door after we’d snuck away together for some time. I haven’t seen him this alive since the first time he kissed me, and we both knew we were risking everything for that one taste of real love.
“What did he tell you?” I ask Jayden when he continues watching me after Elijah disappears.
A tinge of red blooms across his cheeks, all the way to the tips of his ears and percolating down his throat. He’s so handsome and manly, even with his gentle features and coy smile.
Jayden’s large hand molds to one side of my face. His thumb is raking along the seam of my lips. Back and forth, until the light scratch is a consuming, simmering heat, bubbling in my belly.
He doesn’t have to answer my question for me to know the answer. Not when his face is inches from mine and his hot breath tickles my mouth.
“Do you want me to, Fin?”
All I can do is nod. Frantic and pleading all at once.
“Where, Baby?” Jayden asks, the tip of his nose brushing mine. “Tell me where you want me to kiss you.”
My stare falls to his mouth. To his tongue licking across his thick lips, mirroring mine. I don’t know what comes over me. I don’t know where my brazenness comes from.
All I can think is that I don’t want to wait another second.
My mouth finds his. Our lips press together, and when Jayden takes over, his teeth nipping at my lip until I open for him and he licks inside, I forget to breathe.
Every ability I’ve been blessed with abandons me. His strong arm curls around my waist, holding me up when my legs give and the hand on my face tunnels into my hair, tipping my face up as he deepens the kiss.
Oh my God.
Oh my...
Oh my...
The instant our bodies meld, I feel all of him needing all of me the way I do.
All the imaginings that I’ve had pale in comparison to this.
To his fingers knotting and tugging at my hair, the slight bite curling my toes.
To his tongue circling mine, the guttural groans making me shiver impossibly deeper into him. ..
“Fuck,” Jayden rumbles with a gentle open-mouthed peck to the corner of my mouth. “If I don’t stop now, Beautiful, I...”
He doesn’t finish as he turns me in his hold, and with his arm wrapped around me, Jayden walks me to the bedroom hallway. Leaning me up against the wall, he disappears within seconds. With nothing but a stroke of his thumb along my cheek.
I keep staring at the hallway to the apartment door. Long after I hear it click shut, I still keep ogling the empty darkness.
I have no clue what I’m searching for. Maybe it’s a way to make sense of the emotions overwhelming me. Jayden’s kiss was incredible, and a part of me is desperate for another taste. For more. At the same time, there’s a nagging feeling that keeps screaming for Elijah.
Guilt.
I feel guilty for enjoying Jayden’s kiss, for wanting more of him. And I’m equally torn for still wanting Elijah. For the yearning in my chest to go to him now. To be held by him. Kissed and wanted. By him.
Try as I might to make it all make sense, I can’t. There isn’t any.
The only thought that comes to mind is that I want them both. I need Elijah as badly as I always have. He’s my heart. And Jayden, he’s awakened me. With him, it’s as though I’m seeing the world for the first time. Like he’s brought my soul to life.
I don’t know what to do. Picking between them isn’t an option. I need them both.