Chapter 41
JAYDEN
Eli told me to kiss Fin, and like the dumbass, lovestruck fool I am, I did it.
And it was the best fucking kiss of my life.
The only problem is that it didn’t last long enough, because my body can’t behave when I’m around them. When I could taste him in her kiss. The two of them. Together. Are my undoing.
There’s nothing I can do about it. It just is what it is. And I love it—the push and pull, watching them together…
It’s why I couldn’t shrug off his proposition and leave when logic was screaming for me to walk away.
That awed, bright-eyed eagerness that glowed through him when he told me he liked watching Finley and I together, mirrored mine.
Because I can’t get close to Finley without getting closer to Eli, and I can’t stay close to him without falling for her.
Eli’s right. I love Finley. Her quiet affection. How she makes me feel seen by only being near her.
All I can think about is being close to them.
After one last gulp of my coffee, I rinse the cup out in the sink before I take one last look at the flat white I made Finley, and debate pouring it down the sink.
While there’s nothing unusual about me bringing her coffee, the foam heart on top might be too much.
It is too much.
I’m too much. My sisters say it all the time.
“Just be fucking cool, asshole,” I mutter to myself with the reminder that there’s nothing to say Finley and Eli haven’t come to their senses and changed their minds.
Or worse, what if they regret last night?
Shit.
I’m about to pour the coffee down the drain when my doorbell rings and my phone vibrates with the notification from the connected app.
Sucking in a deep breath, I steady myself while I watch Eli fuss with his hair in the feed from the doorbell camera. He looks more on edge than normal, and by the time I reach the door, I can feel his nerves like my own.
Pocketing my phone, I open the door. Eli freezes mid hair tug. His dark stare finds mine, and I swear I can hear his thoughts matching mine at a billion miles per second.
“Hey.” He finally speaks.
“Hey.” Fuck, I don’t know what to say. “Ugh… do you want to come in?”
“We probably should leave. Coach wants to see me before morning skate, and I need to drop by Dr. Armstrong’s office…”
Oh, he’s actually going to talk to her.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to come in, the voice in my head taunts.
For a beat I look for a sign that it’s wrong.
That I’m internally spiraling because I spent the best part of my night thinking about Eli, Finley, and me, and there’s nothing I want more.
Nothing that’s ever excited me as much as the thought of the three of us together.
Nothing feels as right or as perfect as our girl squished between us.
“JJ, you ready?” Eli asks.
“Sure. Yes. Let me grab my things and we can go.”
Quickly, I get my shit and meet him at the elevator. Eli’s staring at the doors, kitbag slung across his back, hands in his pockets.
When I pause next to him, I realize that he hasn’t pressed the call button yet. He’s all in his head and it’s giving me heartburn.
On any given day, brooding Eli doesn’t faze me. However, quiet, brooding Eli after last night isn’t good for my sanity.
“We good?” I ask, leaning across him to press the button.
“Of course. Why?” the question is rushed, somewhat slurred.
“Well—” I shift to face him. “—you’re literally rocking on your feet.”
“I’m… I don’t know…” Combing his fingers through his hair roughly, he sucks in a breath. As he continues, he starts itching his bicep. Scratching at the band-aid peaking from under his short sleeve. “I’m not looking forward to seeing the shrink.”
He’s picking at the covered spot on his arm so bad, that it’s making me even more on edge.
“Eli, stop.” My hand grips his, prying it away from his bicep. “If you’re not ready to talk to her, you don’t have to.”
This is when I should release his hand and step back, but I can’t let go. Not when I can feel his frantic pulse throbbing in my grasp. Not when he doesn’t pull away.
“What if I say the wrong thing and she tells Coach? I mean, it could screw me over. He could properly bench me and—”
“It’s confidential,” I assure him with a squeeze to his hand before I reluctantly let go.
The regret is instant, but he’s already spiraling about seeing Dr. Armstrong, I don’t want to add to his turmoil.
He and Finley have been through some dark shit. Although I haven’t used the word with either of them, and they probably wouldn’t see it that way—from what I know, they were physically abused, emotionally mistreated…
Talking to a psychologist is going to be hard.
At first, it’s going to drudge up a lot of bad feelings.
In the long term, it’s going to make him realize that he is this insanely incredible man because of everything he went through.
He’ll come to know that the cruelty of others is what makes him strong and kind.
“It’s going to be okay, Eli,” I tell him, carefully stopping him from picking at his arm again. Blood is soaking through the breathable adhesive… “What happened to your arm?”
Too quickly, he yanks his sleeve over the band aid. “Nothing. Just… umm… stupid accident. You know?”
Even though his reply doesn’t sit right with me, I nod. That’s the second random cut or wound he brushes off as nothing. Just an accident. First his leg. Now his arm…
“Elevator is taking forever,” he mutters, jabbing at the call button.
“It’s always like this in the morning. Especially Fridays. It’s like everyone’s rushing out as early as possible to get their week over with.”
Eli sighs, stuffing his hands back in his pockets. He’s quiet for a moment before he says, “Fin was still asleep when I left.”
He glances up at me, and I don’t know why I blurt, “I kissed her.”
I don’t know what I was expecting, but it’s not the smile that tugs at his lips. The one he’s trying to fight when he asks, “Did you like it?”
The words ball in my throat, making it impossible to reply with anything other than a nod.
“That much… huh?”
Fuck me, he’s smirking like the cat that got the cream. I know that should put me at ease.
It doesn’t.
Because all I can think about when he shifts, and his arm brushes mine is how close he was when he told me to kiss his girl. How hot his breath was in my ear while she looked at me, begging me for it.
“Are you going to Hillier’s party after the game?”
Clearing my throat, I tell him, “He wouldn’t forgive me if I missed his birthday.”
I’ve known Matheo since we were kids. We played for the same team in junior league. He was one of the few kids that didn’t give me shit because of my family dynamics. His mom was cool too.
“Maybe Fin will want to go, too,” Eli muses. “She can celebrate her first day of work.”
“Are you sure? Puck drop is at seven, so game won’t be done till about ten and then—”
“It’s one night,” Eli says, a large, warm hand grasping my wrist. The surprise cuts off any argument I have. “I already figured it out. I don’t have to be at the facility until mid-morning tomorrow, so I can catch up on sleep.”
“What about Lex?”
“Well, he wanted me to make public appearances with Fin, so this is a good time. It’s not put on or out of the ordinary… I’ve figured it all out with him and I even consulted my neurologist. A few hours aren’t going hurt me.”
“As long as you’re sure.”
Another light squeeze and he tells me, “I am, and anyway, I think Fin will enjoy going to the game and—”
“The game?”
“I got a couple of tickets for her and Christina. That way she’s not on her own.”
“So, you have thought of everything.”
“Yes, I have.”
The grin on his face stretches wider when I narrow my eyes on him and ask, “Who are you and what have you done with my Eli?”
His face sobers a tad as my words sink in.
My Eli.
Shit.
Too much, dickhead. Too fucking much.
I’m about to take a step back, to fix the weirdness that my foot in mouth compulsion is causing when his hand moves from my wrist to my elbow, holding me in place.
This level of earnest coupled with his touch is overwhelming.
“I want to be better for Fin, JJ. To be… I…” Dark eyes search mine desperately. “I want… I—”
The sudden ping of the elevator doors echoes around us, and too quickly we’re pulling away from each other. Eli’s usual stoic mask is in place when the doors open.
“Morning, guys,” Auguste’s girlfriend greets.
“Hey,” Eli greets them as we get in, and he spins to face the closing doors.
“Welcome back, Bambi,” I greet Courtney while bumping fists with Auguste.
The way he’s holding on to her coupled with her disheveled hair explains why the elevator took so long. It’s not the first time they’ve held it up, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.
Turning, I stand next to Eli. We’re not touching, but I swear I can feel the crackle of his presence all the way to the marrow of my bones. I can still feel his hold on me. And I wish I knew what he was going to say. What he wants. Because I would move every goddamn mountain to give it to him.
“You feel that, Masterchef?” Courtney croons from behind us. “It’s kinda warm in here.”
Auguste chuckles. Knowingly.
I’m reminded that the guys talk, and Matheo made it very clear what they suspect goes on between Eli and me.
It couldn’t be further from the truth. But fuck, after the way he looked at me up there. The way he touched me…
I want to inch closer to him. To brush my hand over his just to feel his skin.
Instead, I stare ahead, counting down the floors until we reach the garage.