20. Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
Paxton
"It's going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine," I mumble to myself as I pace in front of the building Eve's label is in. Cole calling Katie and our following talk was the wake-up call I needed, fucking ice cubes pushed down my neck, to put on my big boy pants and start thinking about my and Hystoria's future.
I'm scared shitless, to say the least.
Even more than I was when I finally sent Hystoria a sign of life. My hands were shaking as I typed in a message into the group chat, ignoring the hundreds of messages they sent to ask if I was okay. And I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that Katie had to be the one to hit 'send' because I just couldn’t do it.
What if all of it, all of my nervousness and anxiety is for nothing? What if they don't want me back in the band? Worse yet, what if they don't want me back as their friend? The thought makes my blood run cold and my breath picks up in a panic.
Cole especially, I remember the fury in his eyes when he confronted me. I've had nightmares of those angry eyes of his stalking me, hunting me down as he cursed me out, catching up to me to throw me to the ground and slashing me open with claws to gut me.
Back then I found it laughable. Why would he be so angry about a random girl? I knew, of course, that Eve wasn't just some stranger or acquaintance. A blind person would be able to tell how much Cole adores her. Always has. The fact I've fucked it up for them not only once but twice is going to accompany me for the rest of my life. I grimace.
My trembling fingers find my phone in my pocket. It takes about three tries to unlock it with my fingerprint. The corners of my mouth lift slightly when I see the background picture Katie set before I left. It's of her sticking her tongue out at me.
The clock just over her eyes tells me that I have about four more minutes until I need to face my fate and bandmates before I run late. And since making them wait is not on top of the list of how I want to start this new chapter, I better get my behind into that damn building and an elevator. I take one last look at the facade before I close my eyes and force myself to take a deep breath.
With newfound conviction and long strides, I walk through the revolving door and make my way through the lobby, past a front desk worker with a far too bubbly personality whose eyes grow wide when she recognizes me. Wordlessly, she hands me a badge and I make my way through the building.
My phone vibrates just as I step into the elevator.
Katie: You can do it! Let me know how it goes."
Paxton: If I live to tell the tale, you're going to be the first person to know! Promise.
Katie: 3
I smile at the two signs and almost forget to push the button for my floor. Two more minutes. One hundred and twenty seconds.
The elevator comes to a halt, and I step out, checking the numbers on the rooms as I make my way down the hallway. 409, where the hell is - there. The number looms over me. There it is. It’s the only room with light shining under the door and voices booming inside it. I freeze.
Fuck. I can't do this. The door looms over me, the only thing between me and the guys, its presence a taunting reminder of what lies ahead. My teeth dig into my lip. Maybe I should just turn around. Maybe we were all better off with Hystoria on break. Jake's got his solo stuff going on and the other two are... actually, I don't know what they’re up to. But from what Katie told me, they're happy.
Wait, no. I can’t leave. I can’t disappoint her.
Katie said I can, so I fucking will.
Fuck.
My breath picks up and my palms turn clammy. Quickly, I wipe them on my jeans, then rub an imaginary itchy spot on my face.
Fuck.
Remember what they've taught you, Pax. They prepared you for this. New feelings may cause discomfort and panic, they said. You need to work through them, he said. Faking self-confidence and putting others down, is not the answer, they said. Instead, I embrace the insecurity, Katie’s voice suddenly in my head. “The worst they can say is ‘no’. And even that wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
It wouldn’t. But it would fucking hurt. I lean my back against the wall and force myself to take a deep breath. Then another one. Then, pushing all my doubts aside, I step forward and open the goddamn door.
It's not as massive as it seemed and I'm using way too much strength in my push. The room becomes quiet when the door forcefully hits the wall and I stand in the doorway, looking up like a deer in headlights.
The urge to run washes over me like someone’s dumped a bucket of ice-cold water. I gulp. My eyes dart around the room but avoid the three figures standing around the table, facing me.
"Sorry." I press out through the barrier in my throat and take a tentative step forward, reaching behind me to close the door, more gently this time. It falls into its frame with a quiet 'click,' amplified by the goddamn silence in this room.
What do I even say? Fuck, I never even thought this far.
"Good to see you're alive," Simon states matter-of-factly and takes a step closer. Then another one. I fight the urge to turn my back run right back out of the room and instead force myself to raise my eyes and look at him.
He seems angry. When he raises his arm I half expect him to punch me. I knew that being greeted by a fist was a very real possibility of how this meeting might go. That doesn’t make it easy to accept.
But instead, of punching me, his hand lands on my shoulder for a friendly clap. "It's good to see you, Pax. "
No comparison can describe just how big the weight that just fell off my chest is. Holy fuck. My eyes sting and my shoulders fall, tension seeping out of them.
"Likewise," I answer him with a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth and nod before my eyes turn to Jake and Cole.
Jake's shoulders visibly sag with relief, but Cole still looks tense, his arms crossed in front of his chest as he evaluates me. No wonder.
Jake is the next one to come over, and I grab the hand he's reached out and return the following shoulder clap. Both look expectantly at Cole and finally, he follows suit, his handshake only slightly bruising my fingers. I guess I had that coming.
"Come on," Jake nods towards one of the chairs surrounding an oval table. "We have a lot to talk about."
"I know," I say with a nod and clear my throat. I'm the one sitting at the end of the conference table, and it feels like a police interrogation. But only a bit.
"So?" Cole crosses his arms in front of his chest again once he's seated, leaning back in his chair. "Talk. Where were you the last year?"
"Well," I begin and shift in my seat uncomfortably, wringing my hands under the table. Where even to begin? "After you gave me your ultimatum, I got some help. After sulking a bit, of course."
"Was it alcohol?" Jake intercepts and I shake my head. “Cocaine?” I shake it again.
All three of them look at me confused. Back then, they never asked me what was going on. Maybe because they had assumptions, maybe because they didn’t care, or maybe because they were scared to know.
"No drugs. Acquired situational narcissism." The confusion doesn't lift from their faces. "Do you know what narcissism is?"
"Well, I’m sure we've all heard of it," Cole grumbles, shooting Jake a glance, probably because his parents are almost textbook narcissists, and the other two nod along.
"Basically, I substituted low self-esteem with being an asshat," I summarize the whole thing quickly. "I know it's not an excuse,” I feel the need to point out. “I'm telling you this as an explanation."
"And now you're cured or what?" Si asks, leaning his elbows on the table and setting his chin on his hands. "Like- poof, now you're nice? I don't buy that."
"I wish it was that easy," I admit with a shrug. "I've not magically turned into a saint but compared to last year I've become self-aware. I can't promise you I did a one-eighty and will never behave like that again. But I can tell you that now I'm aware of what I've done and will work on it. It's not ideal, but for now, it's the best I can promise you."
Silence greets me and I bite the inside of my lip, fighting my instincts in order to keep my head held high as I continue.
"I'm sorry." The words have been dancing on the tip of my tongue, ever since I stepped foot inside of this room, the urge to say them making my stomach bubble with anxiety. "I know now that I wasn't a good band member and an even worse friend to all of you." My eyes turn to Cole. "And yes, I know how fucked up it was to dox Eve and try to ruin the both of you again. All of us knew how much you were in love with her and to jeopardize that because I was scared for the band was not okay. I'm truly sorry I did that."
He looks at me for a few seconds, his poker face infallible.
"Thank you," he answers no emotion in his voice or on his face.
"Will it come back?" Si asks roughly and my eyes shoot to him. But he looks more worried than angry. Bless him, he never was one for big words.
"I hope not," I say quietly and gulp. "But if we’re doing this, if you still want me to be a part of Hystoria, some things will need to change so I can do it."
"Like what?" Jake intercepts, skepticism making his eyes narrow as he also crosses his arms in front of his chest.
"We can't keep the yea-sayers around," I say, and Cole starts to chuckle. “I’m not sure how to explain it, but it’s hard to stay grounded when people treat you like a messiah.”
"Good. They were getting on my nerves, so that’s absolutely doable." Jake nods and the other two follow suit.
"And I'll need your help, too." The words feel like spikes in my throat as I press them out.
The three of them look at each other, a quick non-verbal conversation that I'm not a part of, making me feel like an outsider. I guess I deserve that.
"What can we do?" Jake asks and all eyes land on me again.
"Just…don't let me do shit like that again," I almost plead with them. "I was told that a big part of having developed that shit was that fame got to my head. Quite literally in that case. Please beat me down a few notches if you realize it's happening again."
“It’s going to be my pleasure,” Si says with a dark grin on his face, and I gulp. Yep, fair to say, he’s going to enjoy that.
"All right. And Katie?" Cole sounds wary and two sets of eyes shoot towards him. So, the two of them really didn't know where I was, only that Cole knew. I shoot him a grateful glance.
"She'll be all too happy to help you out," I tell him and nod to emphasize my point. “In fact, I think she’s looking forward to it.”
"So, this is it?" Simon asks excitedly, straight to the point. "We're coming back?"
"Are we?" I look at them with wide eyes, that finally rest on Jake. "Aren't you doing your solo tour?"
"I'm on a short break currently, doing some promo here and there, but my tour will continue in Europe later in the year," he says and rubs his chin as he thinks. "I've only just started, so I'm not giving up on my solo career now." He takes a deep breath and rubs his hand across his face.
“We’re not making you choose,” Cole quickly says, and Si and I nod.
"I think I could navigate doing both,” Jake states, meeting our eyes, one by one. “I think we ought to take it slow, anyway. Take our time recording a new album with Alex's label. Then plan a short tour with maybe only a few dates. Not too much press. See how it goes. Reevaluate." All three of us nod along to his proposal.
"That sounds like a plan," Cole mumbles and gets up. "Let's sit down soon and discuss a proper timetable."
"So, that's it? I'm back in?" I ask for clarification, and he looks at me confused.
"You were never out." My eyebrows shoot up, surprised. "That's what the whole ultimatum was about. If you'd strutted in here half an hour late and ordered us around, that would be a different story. But we said Hystoria would always be the four of us and that's how I still see it."
"Me too," Jake adds.
"Me three," Simon speaks up and all three of them look at me expectantly.
"Me four," I mumble, and suddenly, smiles are on everyone's faces, widening and widening until Simon starts chuckling.
"Now, get your asses out of those seats," Cole demands and opens the door. "We're having beers. My place." He clasps my shoulder again. "And sweet old Pax can tell us all about how Katie's got him wrapped around her little finger."
"Seriously?" Jake and Si catch up quickly, shoving each other for the spot next to me. "Katie?"
"Are you really surprised?" Si rolls his eyes. "That woman is a saint."
"I just love how this has come full circle for you guys," Jake chuckles. "All of you with your teenage crushes. Jake and Eve, Si and Harper-"
"Hey, I didn't have a crush on Harper," Si interrupts him and Jake raises his eyebrow at him.
"Right. Sure," Jake says, irony dripping from his voice and rolling his eyes.
Katie told me that Harper and Si had become a thing. From what she said it was a bumpy beginning, which involved Harper booting Si from her car in the middle of nowhere, and a smutty audiobook. I have no idea how that ties into it, but I'm glad they found each other in the end.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"So, you just stomped on her poor little teenage feelings on my birthday night for fun?" That makes even me chuckle. I remember the incident distinctly, but what's most memorable is how Harper called him out for talking shit about her to some school friends. I've never seen him shrink into himself that much, not even when pictures of his naked butt in the Trevi fountain were released after a drunken night in Rome.
"He's right, you totally had a thing for her," Cole adds with a laugh and I can see red creep into Si's cheeks. Ah, love. Isn't it great?
Si grumbles something incomprehensible and the three of us laugh. It feels like we're catapulted back to our teenage years, on our way to practice in Cole's garage, just joking around, having a great time. The only thing that's missing is the girls.
"Honey, I'm home," Cole shouts into the cute house. My shoulders tense when I hear Eve answer from somewhere on the second floor. Shortly after, little tip-taps on the floor come closer.
I'm confused by that sound. Did they have a child? Holy shit. Cole? A father? I’m too young to be an uncle. But when a small dog sprints around the corner, it all makes sense.
"There you are," Cole says in a high-pitched voice and gets down on his knees. "Were you a good boy? The best? Of course, you were!" He ruffles the dog’s fur and then picks him up.
"Pax, meet Ninja." He continues to talk to the dog in his baby voice and I bite my lip to stop a grin forming on my face.
"Hey, there, Ninja," I say, not using a baby voice, and step up and reach out my hand for him to sniff, startled when his tongue pops out and he starts licking my fingers .
Cole sets him down and ushers us to the kitchen, where he opens the fridge and hands each of us a bottle of beer. We gather around his kitchen island and clank our bottles against each other right over the center of it.
"To Hystoria," I say and the other three start to cheer.
Cole leads us to his living room. While he and Simon sit on the couch, Jake and I sit on the ground and play with Ninja. He runs after the tennis balls we roll away for him very enthusiastically, tripping over his own legs whenever he runs on or off the carpet, tail wagging with excitement.
Then I see a movement from the corner of my eye as Eve sneaks into the kitchen.
I shoot Cole a questioning glance and after considering for a few moments, he nods slightly, not without shooting me a warning glare. The threat is painfully obvious. If I hurt her again, he’ll probably behead me and that would be it for Hystoria.
I get up and approach the kitchen, the weight fully back on my shoulders, threatening to push me to my knees. But I stay upright until I lean against the doorframe, unsteady on my feet.
"Hey, Eve."
She whirls around, looking at me with wide eyes before they narrow and she crosses her arms in front of her chest, immediately on the defensive.
"Paxton," she says with a curt nod and turns right back around. I take a deep breath.
"I'm sorry."
She freezes, her hand in the middle of the air as she was reaching for a glass .
Knowing I’ve got her attention and might lose it with one second waited too long, one wrong word, I continue.
"I'm sorry for stealing your song and lying to the guys about it. And I'm sorry for trying to drive you out of our lives when it came out." I dig my fingers into my forearm, trying to stay focused. "I've hurt you a lot and I'm really sorry I did."
She turns around slowly, her poker face not giving away anything about how she feels. "You asked me a year ago what you did to me, and I just need to reiterate that you did nothing. I was insecure and scared and I am very sorry I let it out on you."
"Where's that change of mind coming from?" she asks skeptically, leaning against her kitchen counter.
"Loads of therapy," I admit and bury my hands in my pockets. "I had to face a lot of uncomfortable truths over the past year, one of them being that I'm a horrible human. I don't expect forgiveness," I quickly assure her, "and this is also not an attempt to make myself feel better. But the best you got from me was a half-assed apology after that concert and you deserve a proper one." I grimace, remembering how I spoke to her. “So yeah. I’m really sorry about all of that.”
"I appreciate that," she says quietly, and I nod. Then I return to the living room, where Ninja climbs into Jake's lap.
It's not a perfect reunion by any means. I never expected that to happen in the first place. But it's a first step in the right direction. I smile into my beer bottle as I take another sip and watch my friends coo at the dog.