28. Lincoln
28
LINCOLN
The horn sounded. I let out the breath I’d been holding for the last few minutes. The Jetties were tied in the first round of the Eastern Conference. They needed to win tonight to go on to the next level of the playoffs. Not an easy feat when you’re playing on the enemy’s turf.
With one last goal by Devon, the Jetties pushed themselves into the second round. My heart slowed. At one point in the third period, I thought it might beat straight out of my chest. I wanted this so much for Devon.
It was evident how much our separation had cost his game weeks ago. Even though it pained me to see it, I couldn’t bring myself to drag Devon back into my life then. Not when I didn’t have any confidence in myself or my ability to control the panic attacks. Slowly, I watched Devon regain his confidence on the ice. But it always seemed to drain from him as he skated off at the end of the game. I hoped one day to be worthy of him. To be the man who could stand at his side and face the fears that tried to pull me under.
If there was something I learned over the last month, it was how much I’d held myself back in my therapy. I’d been so afraid to end up back in a place where the darkness overshadowed the light, I never took the time to think about what would happen when I could no longer avoid the things I feared. When those moments came at me like a freight train with no brakes to stop the impact.
The accident on the highway only made it clearer that I hadn’t learned enough to cope when things got the best of me. Dr. Dawkins had tried to tell me from the beginning that none of this was about getting better. It was about learning how to manage the symptoms when things got to be too much. Opening up to Madison showed me that I didn’t have to keep the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had plenty of people willing to share the load.
I turned my attention back to the TV, while the rest of the team celebrated, Devon was there, but I could see in every line of the man I loved that his heart wasn’t in it. He’d given everything he had for the win and left it all there. It was more than obvious that he’d left his heart at home. His heart was here with me. I knew that because he’d taken mine with him when he walked out my door that night.
With only one way for either of us to be whole again, I knew the time had come to go to Devon and beg for his forgiveness. With the distance between tonight’s game and Espen, they wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning, where I’d be waiting for him to come home. He had a few days before the next round of the playoffs began. It had worked once before. I could only hope Devon would be able to forgive me one last time.
Once more was all I needed. If I got Devon back, I’d never let him go again.
I’d tossed and turned most of the night, playing and replaying in my head exactly what I wanted to say to him. The words were important, but not as important as my willingness to take him with me to see Dr. Dawkins. Something Dr. Dawkins had been encouraging me to do. Devon deserved to know it all, I just had to figure out the right time for me. When I could handle laying the truth at Devon’s feet and hoping the repercussions that came with it wouldn’t be enough to make him run away.
Reaching forward, I flipped the radio station again. Anything to calm my nerves as I drove to Devon’s. Being this far outside of the city had plenty of benefits, except when you were waiting to see if the man you loved was willing to take a leap of faith with you.
Before I left, I called Dr. Dawkins to arrange the meeting with Devon, as long as he wanted to join me. Dr. Dawkins was quick to jump on the offer. Whatever things he had scheduled for later he was rearranging them for me. It warmed my heart, even as I knew he did it for his other patients as well. I’d been on the receiving end of a call to move an appointment up or back, which I was always more than willing to do if it would help someone else. Now it was my turn.
I turned into the drive and made my way back through the long winding road to Devon’s house. I didn’t know if he was home already or if the early hour meant I beat him there. Nat would have told me if I asked, but I didn’t want to put her in the middle of this. If Devon really didn’t want to see me again, I needed it to come from him. And maybe, just maybe, there was a small part of me that feared her warning him, then him not coming home while I waited there.
When I pulled up to the front, the house was still dark with no sign of Devon’s truck. It didn’t fit in the garage, which meant I must have beaten him here. Springtime gave Devon’s house a completely different look. Flowers had begun to bloom in the beds in front of the house. The once bare trees started to show signs of leaves returning. I knew this place would be gorgeous in the summer months.
I stepped out of the truck and waited by the front bumper, a sense of déjà vu settled over me. With the calm breeze of spring instead of the harsh winds of winter, I was able to hear Devon’s truck as it approached. I braced myself for whatever happened next.
Exactly like the last time I waited for Devon at his house, he slammed on the brakes, his eyes wide as he looked at me from the cab of his truck. Every expression was easier to see in the bright light of day. This time he didn’t bother to pull his truck around to the garage. Instead, he put it in park, shut it off, and climbed down from his seat.
Cautiously, he walked toward me, his eyes never leaving my face. The worry, the hope, it was there for me to see. What he worried about, I had no idea, but the brief glimpse of hope made it even easier to push off the side of my truck and walk right to him.
“I’m sorry,” I said and opened my arms.
Devon walked right into them and wrapped his own tightly around my waist. He buried his face against my neck. “I missed you,” he whispered, his warm breath skating across my skin.
“I missed you too.” The trees before me blurred as I held tight to the man who held my heart. “I wish I could have come sooner, but I hope I’m not too late.”
Devon lifted his head and looked me in the eye. “Never. My heart will always be yours.” He leaned forward and pressed his mouth to mine.
My heart raced in my chest. I thought I’d never taste Devon’s lips again. I slid my hand up his back, clasping the back of his neck next and holding him tightly to me. Devon pulled away to lift his hands to my face, brushing the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs.
“I love you, Lincoln.”
“I love you too.”
Devon lowered his hands, taking hold of mine. I used my free hand to wipe the tears from his face. The emotions of our reunion spilling over. “Come inside so we can talk.”
He walked but stopped when I didn’t move. “We can’t.” His face fell and I rushed to continue, “It’s not that I don’t want to, but I was hoping if you have time that you’d be willing to come to Dr. Dawkins’s office with me today. There are so many things I need to tell you.”
I glanced over at his house and knew if we didn’t go soon, I’d change my mind and avoid this conversation at all costs. A conversation that needed to happen if I was ever going to get off this loop of pain. “But I don’t want to talk about them here. I want this to be a place I feel happy coming to. That the memories of that night won’t taint this place.”
Devon gripped both my hands tight. “Whatever you need. I don’t have to be anywhere until tomorrow. Today, I’m all yours.” My hands began to tremble in his. He glanced down at them and back up at me. “How about I drive, then we can come back here after?”
I sucked in a calming breath. “Yes, please.”
Devon nodded and released one of my hands, walking me to the passenger side of his truck. He opened the door and I climbed inside. The happy and nervous parts of me going to war as I fought for control over my mind. I knew today would be hard, but my worries over whether or not Devon would tell me to pound sand had overruled anything else in my brain.
Now, with him sitting next to me, driving us to Dr. Dawkins’s office, all I could think about was the coming conversation. The ride to Dr. Dawkins’s office was silent besides the directions I gave Devon once we hit the city. While I spent the entire time watching out the windshield, I noticed Devon glancing over at me every so often. About halfway there, he slipped his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.
The feel of his hand was comforting, even as my anxiety grew the closer we got to the building. By the time he pulled into the parking lot, I was practically crawling out of my skin. Devon came around to my door but stopped me as I tried to step down.
He held my gaze. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can go back home and spend the day together.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, reaching deep down for the strength I knew it would take to get out of the truck and go inside.
“You don’t know how much I love you for offering that, but there are things you deserve—”
“I don’t deserve—” I covered his lips with my finger.
“You do deserve to know why I lost my shit that day. It’s more than that though. This is a step I need to take my life back.”
He kissed my finger before moving my hand. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“I know,” I said, stepping down from the truck. I took Devon’s hand, trying to infuse some of his strength into me.
He rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand as we walked into the building and took the elevator up to the office. We stepped into the waiting room where Dr. Dawkins was already waiting for us.
“Lincoln, I’m happy you decided to come today.”
Even with the heavy weight on my shoulders, I couldn’t help the smirk that curved my lips. Sometimes I wondered if he knew me better than I knew myself. Or maybe he recognized pieces of me that I was just starting to let myself see again. I glanced over at Devon. “I’m glad I decided to take a drive this morning. Dr. Dawkins, this is Devon.”
Dr. Dawkins held a hand out to Devon. “I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.”
Devon took Dr. Dawkins’s hand. I’d have to tell him how much I appreciated him making Devon comfortable and not immediately taking note of his fame or position with the Jetties. Devon loved playing hockey, that didn’t mean he loved seeing his face all over the papers.
“I’m glad I finally got the opportunity.”
“Why don’t we head into the office?” Dr. Dawkins pulled open the door and gestured for us to head inside. Hand in hand we walked in. I led Devon over to the couch, noticing the way his eyes darted around the space.
“Not what you were expecting?” I asked as we took a seat.
“I expected filled bookshelves and a desk.”
“Most people do,” Dr. Dawkins said taking a seat across from us. “I have all those things in the office back there. People are willing to open up when they feel more comfortable.”
“That makes sense.”
Dr. Dawkins nodded, then looked over at me. He was waiting for me to begin. If only I knew where to start. There was so much Devon didn’t know about my time in the military. When it became clear that I was at a loss for words, Dr. Dawkins stepped in.
“Lincoln and I have been working together, for a while now, to deal with the fallout of what happened when he was stationed overseas. We’ve talked more than once about his willingness to discuss those events and the pieces leading up to that day with others.”
“I was afraid.”
Devon tightened his hold on my hand. “It’s okay to be afraid.”
“You’re right, Devon,” Dr. Dawkins said. “That is one of the things Lincoln and I’ve been working on the last few weeks. He needed to be okay with being afraid. We all are at some point. It’s what we do with the fear that’s important.”
Devon turned to face me. “What can I do to help? I’m here for whatever you need.”
“Which I told Lincoln. This was just a place he had to arrive at on his own. Thankfully, I think we’ve finally gotten there.” Dr. Dawkins looked to me for confirmation and I nodded. “There are many things I think you can do to help pull him back to reality when the fear and panic tries to take over, but I think knowing and understanding what caused this will help even more.” Dr. Dawkins turned to face me. “Lincoln?”
I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. There was no way I could sit still and tell this story. I lifted Devon’s hand to my lips and pressed a kiss to the back of it before letting go and standing up. Silence, full of anticipation, filled the room as I wandered to the windows, hands in my pockets, and stared at the bricks beyond and alley below.
“I joined the Navy right out of high school. I’d always wanted to fight for our freedoms, to defend our country, and protect the men and women in the military. The problem was that I’ve known I was gay since I was twelve. Not that I told anyone. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ still controlled the military and I worried I’d never get my shot if anyone knew I was gay. Then when I was fifteen everything changed. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ was repealed and I no longer had to hide my sexuality to follow my dreams. I could be me and a soldier at the same time.”
The people in the alley below began to blur and the room started to fade as my memory transported me back to those early days in the military.
“After boot camp I was sent to Hospital Corps school and Field Medical school, which placed me with a Marine unit when I completed my training. What I didn’t expect was to connect so quickly with my unit. So often you hear how the Navy and Marines don’t get along, but these guys were more than welcoming when I arrived. Maybe they knew someday they would need me to save their lives. Either way, everything was falling into place exactly as I hoped when I was a kid. I hadn’t realized there was more waiting for me in that Marine unit than I ever could have expected.”
The memory of Matt’s smiling face appeared before my eyes, and I swallowed back the lump in my throat that tried to keep me from continuing. I leaned my head against the window and took a moment to gather myself. There was rustling behind me. If I had to guess, I would say Devon wanted to come comfort me, but Dr. Dawkins stopped him. I didn’t look back though. I forced myself to focus on the ground below. Pull myself back into the present. When I felt like I was strong enough to continue, I turned and sat against the windowsill staring at the wall across the room. I didn’t have the strength to look at either one of them.
“A young Marine named Matt Creswell and I hit it off from the moment we met. We had similar interests and spent most of our time off together. I didn’t have a lot that first year, but as I moved up the ranks and no longer had to cover the late shifts in the on-base hospital, I found I had even more time to spend with Matt. We were inseparable. It wasn’t uncommon in the military to have that one person to share your secrets with. When you’re so far from your family, you need to have that connection with someone. I would have laid my life down for anyone in my unit, but things with Matt were different. It wasn’t until we pooled our housing stipends together to move off base that I realized why.”
I ran a hand down my face wondering how Devon would react to this part of the story. It was something I’d admitted to Dr. Dawkins from the beginning, but only found the strength to tell someone else when Madison arrived.
“The first time he kissed me, I practically jumped out of my skin, searching our apartment for someone who might have seen us. How had Matt realized I was gay? I hadn’t hidden it, but I also hadn’t told anyone either. He reassured me that no one was there, that it was just the two of us. From that night on, we shared a bed. At least until we were deployed. The first time had been hard on both of us, looking for places to share a moment every chance we could. It wasn’t enough. After we returned to the States, we decided to have a plan for the next time we were shipped out.” I spared a quick glance at Devon to see how he was reacting to this so far. He sat with his arms resting on his legs and gazed at the floor. And we still hadn’t gotten to the worst of it.
“We didn’t realize how quickly that time would come, but we felt confident that our relationship was in a strong enough place. If only I had known…”
My hands began to shake. The tremors moved through the rest of my body. The room blurred, my eyes filling with tears as the memories hit me. One after another until the smell of smoke filled my nose.
Strong arms wound around my waist, holding me tight until I was seated. They didn’t let me go. Warmth surrounded me.
“I’ve got you.” Devon’s smooth tenor pulled me back to the present. “Tell me what happened.”
The images still flashed before my eyes, but I found the strength to keep going. “A group of us were dispatched into town. As a medic, we were always on the patrols in case anyone needed us. That day, everything seemed eerily quiet. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Something didn’t feel right.” Each breath was painful as I tried to suck more air into my lungs. Not that it would help.
“I’m right here,” Devon whispered.
“Bullets rang out all around us. Pain seared down my arm. I knew I’d been hit. Screams and smoke filled the air. But there was nothing I could do until I took care of my own injuries. I wrapped a bandage around my arm as tight as I could to stop the bleeding and ran for the nearest downed soldier.”
The spigot had opened, and the words poured from me. I didn’t bother to brush away the tears on my face or stop the rocking motion of my body. Not once did Devon let go. He moved with me, holding me tight. Keeping me from falling completely apart.
“It was Matt, wasn’t it?”
I nodded. “There was a hole in his chest, and he tried to suck in air, but couldn’t. I knew I could save him. I grabbed the plastic from my kit and taped it down tight. Once he could breathe, I could deal with his other injuries.”
Devon blew out a breath. “The same as the accident.”
“The exact same,” Dr. Dawkins added.
“Except, I didn’t get a chance to stop the bleeding. Seconds later an IED exploded near us, sending me flying. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and them telling me… telling me…”
I still couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Devon lifted my face, cupping my cheeks. Tears shimmered in his own eyes, but that didn’t stop him from trying to hold me up. “Matt died in the explosion, didn’t he?”
“Because I couldn’t save him,” I sobbed.
“Oh, Linc, you did everything you could. It wasn’t your fault he died. The ones who set the IED, they’re who to blame. If it hadn’t been for that, I know you would’ve saved him, just like you saved that man on the side of the road.”
I didn’t answer, just let the sobs overtake me. It wasn’t lost on me the impact Devon’s arms around me had, different than when Dr. Dawkins or Madison tried to comfort me. I drew so much more from him and found myself settling much quicker than ever before. Devon was exactly who I needed. Hopefully, it wasn’t too much to ask of him.
“I’ve never seen him pulled back so quickly after talking about Matt before,” Dr. Dawkins said.
“I will pull him off whatever ledge he needs me to for as long as he’ll let me.”
“I’ll keep you as long as you’re willing to be with me.”
“Forever.”
My heart raced in my chest at Devon’s words. Ones I used to fear, but now everything I wanted to hear.
Dr. Dawkins gave us our moment before continuing, “When Lincoln woke up, his injuries were severe. I know he told you about the broken femur, but he didn’t mention the burns and resulting scars on his back.”
My eyes dropped to the floor. “I did everything in my power to keep them hidden. The line down my leg is nothing compared to what my back looks like.”
“Those scars are part of who you are,” Devon said quietly. “Part of your story. I love all of you, not just the perfect pieces.”
“I love you so much.”
Devon turned to Dr. Dawkins. I’d never seen him with so much confidence when talking to a stranger. “What do I need to do to help Lincoln?”
We stayed and talked to Dr. Dawkins for a while longer, going over ways that Devon could help me through the panic attacks. We also set up another appointment that would work around Devon’s hockey schedule.
When we stepped out into the warm spring day, I felt light enough to fly. I took Devon’s hand and pulled him to me, capturing his lips.
“Let’s go back to your house. I want to spend the rest of the day making up for lost time.”