Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
J ohan
Monday morning I’m keen to get up to the farm. I had a great weekend with Cole, and I hope we can repeat it sometime. Though, the longer I’m in his company the harder I’m finding it. I know I had a no dating rule, but that was because I was done with the deceit. The knowledge that the last three months of my relationship with Erik had been a lie makes me feel sick. I don’t think Cole could lie, even if he was asked to. I can’t deny how attracted I am to him, and wonder if I should just ask him out. Out where though? On a date? The thought of that makes me chuckle, imagining Cole on a traditional date. I can’t see it, somehow. As I drive into the yard I marvel at how much I’ve begun to look forward to seeing him.
The first thing I do, the same as every morning, is head over to collect Roffe for his walk and breakfast. When I get to his kennel it’s empty, the door is shut and bolted, and when I look round I see his lead is gone too. My heart sinks. Did his owners come for him? The week is only just up but I kind of hoped that they wouldn’t have come to claim him. Or has he been adopted already? Has Cole had someone lined up waiting for him, waiting for the week to be over? Nausea bubbles up. I can’t believe Cole would let him go without giving me a chance to say goodbye—or maybe he would. Maybe he wouldn’t think that I might want that. After all I had said that I couldn’t have him. My morning has gone to shit. I know I shouldn’t be angry at Cole, he never means any harm, but all the same I feel hurt that I didn’t get to say goodbye.
I run up the stone steps and pound on Cole’s door. He answers with a smile on his face; there sure isn’t one on mine.
“Cole,” I blurt. “Roffe, he’s gone, did you?—”
Just then a bundle of grey and white fur leaps at me. It’s Roffe. He must have heard my voice. He’s getting stronger and as he jumps up I scoop him up in my arms. He licks my face as I bury my head in his fur, glad that whatever happens I get to see him one more time.
“I thought I would never see him again,” I say when I can raise my face, and when he’s stopped licking me.
“I adopted him.” Cole states.
“Adopted him?” What does he mean? That he’s going to his new home and Cole is going to take him there this morning?
“For you.”
“For me?” I realise I’m sounding stupid, but I feel stupid. Nothing is making sense.
“I adopted him, for you. He’s yours.”
“Mine?” I feel like I’m still missing part of a puzzle here.
“I know you said you couldn’t have him at your brother’s, so he’ll live here with me and Vin. But he is yours,” Cole explains, and it takes a minute to sink in. And then a thousand thoughts clamour into my head, but the first one is, I can’t believe he would do this for me. Some might consider this a huge romantic gesture but I’m not sure that Cole would know what one of those is. Some might be manipulative about it, but that’s my experience with Erik coming out. I can’t second guess this; I have to ask. I put Roffe back on the floor, and he doesn’t leave me, but sits and leans against my leg instead.
“Thank you, Cole. It means a lot to me, a huge amount. But why?”
He shrugs like it’s no big deal. “I know that you like him and he likes you. I have to approve all new homes for adoption and I just thought he’d be better with you. But you said he couldn’t live with you, so he can live here. Vin already likes him, so it would be good company for him, too.”
Cole puts down some paperwork on the counter and heads to the coffee machine to make a drink.
I pick up the paperwork, which includes an official form of adoption, a vaccination card, and a microchip record. All in my name. It’s official and I’m flabbergasted. He might not think it a big deal, but I do.
“No-one has ever done anything like this for me before.” I think of how a few minutes ago I was annoyed that Cole hadn’t let me say goodbye to him, but instead, he’s made sure Roffe is staying in my life forever. Ah, not forever. My time here is limited.
“What about when I have to go back to Sweden?”
Cole places a cup down on the counter—coffee, exactly how I like it. “He can always live here.”
I’m mixed with the shame of my previous thoughts and immense gratitude to this kind man for doing something just because it is in his power. I feel such a sense of relief for not having to part with Roffe, and happiness that I get to share his life, and gratitude that he will always have Cole. I can’t stop the tears that well up and spill down my cheeks.
“Are you sad?” Cole asks. I’m choked up and can’t speak for a moment.
“No. Yes. No, I don’t know.” I’m aware I am incoherent.
“That doesn’t make sense.” He’s correct in his straightforward way, but emotions are never that simple.
“It doesn’t, does it?” I look at him trying to smile.
“Would you like a hug? My mum always says that if someone is sad you should give them a hug.”
A hug from Cole? Hell, yes, I want one of those.
“Your mum is a very wise lady. I think we should take her advice.”
He nods and comes round the end of the counter, and suddenly he’s in my arms, squeezing me round the chest and I squeeze him back. His body is pressed the full length of me. It’s in that moment that I’m flooded with the realisation that I’m lost in him, and whether or not he can, or even wants to reciprocate, I will never find someone as special as Cole Walker.
“Thank you,” I say into his hair. “For Roffe. I am really happy to have him.”
Cole looks up at me and smiles. He looks adorable. His lips are so close. I could just lean down and claim them. In anyone else I would know if there’s any attraction, I would know if that was something I could do. But it would be so unexpected for Cole that I don’t know what he would do. Just having him in my arms is wonderful. I drag my eyes from his lips, but there’s nothing I can do to stop myself breathing in his scent, his unique musk. In case this is the only time I get this close, I want to imprint this moment in my mind. I involuntarily let out a, “Mmmm.”
He pulls back slightly—shit I’ve gone too far. Stupid, selfish me has overstepped. But he doesn’t pull out of my arms.
“Did you?” He gives a little surprised laugh. “Did you just smell me?”
I could deny it of course, though anyone could see through that. Well, almost anyone. But I decide to be honest, start laying my cards on the table.
“I couldn’t help it, you smell really good.”
Cole stares at me for a few seconds and then leans in and nuzzles against my neck, inhaling deeply.
Fuck! My skin feels electrified, and that’s not the only effect he’s having on me.
“You smell really nice, too,” he concludes.
“That’s a relief,” I reply, and then step back gently. I need a bit of distance between us before he feels my quickly stiffening cock. That might be more awkward to explain.
He releases me and I fist my hands to stop me reaching out and pulling him back. This is a great lesson in self-control. Though, I make a mental note that he isn’t against physical contact. But then I remind myself that he just wants to be friends, so friends it is. My own hand is going to be my only special friend for a long while; the feel of Cole pressed against me has given me fantasy material for a time.
I manage to finish my coffee, whilst getting my feelings under control. Cole asks if I want to help feed the other animals, which at the moment consists of the horses and the pigs. I agree, not only because I like animals and am happy to help, but it also means I get to be with Cole a little longer.
After that, and a walk with the dogs, instead of putting Roffe back in his kennel—he is never going in there again—I take him with me on the farm. He stays close while I’m working, and although he hasn’t quite got enough spring yet to get in the tractor without me lifting him, he seems to like riding in there with me.
Tom and I have to take a hay delivery out late in the afternoon and it’s dusk when we return to the farm. I can see Cole’s truck is in the yard, so he must have finished for the day. I head up the steps and knock on the door. Cole opens it and Roffe rushes in to greet Vin like he’s a long lost friend. It’s sweet to watch them together and I see Cole is smiling too. I don’t know how this is going to work, so I offer to feed Roffe.
“It’s okay, I’ll feed them both in a little while. Vin usually gets his dinner at about six, so Roffe can be the same, it’s easier.”
I nod. “I’ll be going then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
I feel a bit disappointed that that’s all there is to it. I don’t know what I was expecting. A repeat of this morning? More even? I shake the thoughts out of my head. Those things are the stuff of fantasies, and aren’t real life. But I try my luck anyway. “Until tomorrow then, unless you want me to stay?”
I see Cole’s eyes flick to the table and I glance over, noticing the piles of paperwork.
“I have to do this month’s accounts,” he replies, and I feel like such an idiot for asking. I hadn’t thought of how much admin there must be in running a veterinary practice.
“Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I turn away. In truth, I could do with a shower after a long day at work, so it’s best if I go.
“Ah, Johan,” Cole calls as I’m halfway out the door.
When I spin round, he’s there, right in front of me, so close again. I wish he wouldn’t do that—but not really. I just wish I could step closer and kiss him, but instead I take a small step back. He hands me something, I take it, and realise it’s a key.
“What’s this?”
“Well, I was thinking that you might need to get in here to collect Roffe, or bring him back and if I am out late with a client, or have been called out, you wouldn’t be able to.”
“This is the key to this place?” I gesture towards his apartment.
“Yeah, I thought it might make it easier.” He’s smiling.
“Thanks Cole, I appreciate that.” I pocket the key, lingering only slightly before saying goodnight again.
The door closes softly behind me and I take a moment to lean on the railing before heading down the steps. In truth, I’m trying to get my shit together. In one day, a wonderful, gorgeous, and let’s face it, extremely sexy guy, has not only given me a dog, something I have wished for since I was a kid, but also the key to his apartment. And we haven’t even kissed. We’re just friends. Imagine what being his boyfriend would be like. I sigh, resigned, and head home, pleased that at least I will see him again tomorrow.
We soon establish a pattern that when I arrive in the morning, we feed the dogs and I help with the other animals, then Roffe comes with me to work and I bring him back afterwards. When I leave him with Cole, I notice the pile of paperwork on his table moves, but doesn’t seem to diminish. On Friday morning, over the coffee he always makes me, he surprises me with a question.
“Do you want to hang out this evening?”
“I thought you were always on call on Friday night?”
“Usually, but I’m on call this weekend. It’s my turn on the rota so I don’t do Friday nights then.”
I try to ignore the feeling of my stomach dropping when he says he’s on call all weekend, as I had hoped to spend time with him, but if tonight is all I’ll get, I will grab it with both hands.
“I’d love to, thanks for asking. Shall I bring pizza?”
He gives me a grin which looks like genuine pleasure and I melt a little in its blaze.