Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
J ohan
I wake to a tingling over my skin. It’s bordering on ticklish but I don’t want to move. I feel it is Cole, and from the patterns he’s making I think he’s tracing my tattoos.
“Do you like them?”
He jumps and his fingers leave my skin. I want them back.
“Don’t stop,” I instruct, and open my eyes. He’s propped up on one elbow, and the other hand returns to dance across my skin.
“They’re fascinating.” He runs round the dragon I have covering my left pec and continues over my shoulder. “Do they have any meaning to them?”
“Some of them. Most of them I got at stages of my life when I was making a fresh start, or I wanted to record a life event. All of my strongman wins are on my back. That one,” indicating the dragon he was still following. “I had that done when I left home, a symbol that I had what it takes to make it on my own.”
I hope he didn’t want a rundown of all of them, there was one on the back of my shoulder that I’d had done to symbolise my relationship with Erik. It is now going to be a part of my past, but in some ways, I’m glad it’s on my back and I can’t see it. It’s behind me in more ways than one.
“I like them.” His finger traces a pattern that circles around my nipple and I involuntarily take in a sharp breath. I watch as his mouth quirks slightly and his eyes darken. He traces the same pattern, but I’m ready for him. I can control my breath but my stomach still flutters.
“Are you engaging in art appreciation or trying to turn me on?”
He gives me the cheekiest grin I have ever seen. It’s not a look I’ve seen from him before, and my cock twitches all on its own. Damn him.
He glances at me, noticing how aroused I am, and licks his beautiful lips. That is definitely a turn on, as I wonder what it would look like to see them round my cock.
“I’d like to try something.”
I’m up for anything he wants to have a go at. I’d wondered if he would go all shy on me, but he isn’t shy. I’ve noticed he has anxiety in social situations or at times when he feels things are spiralling out of control, but he isn’t shy, and I’m looking forward to giving him opportunities to explore whatever he wants.
He slithers down the bed until his lips are hovering just above my cock. I am going to see what my cock looks like sliding into his mouth. My cock bounces just at the thought of it and he grins again. This time that looks goes straight to my heart and I’m powerless to stop it.
Beep Beepity Beep
Cole looks stunned for a moment and then presses his eyes closed, his face scrunched in disappointment as he rolls off me to answer it. He’s not the only one. I guess he’d forgotten he was still on call this weekend; I had.
I hear him say down the phone that he’ll be there in half an hour. I stifle a groan and get up. Ignoring my hardness I pull on some jeans, as Cole puts the phone down on the dresser with a sigh. I drop a kiss onto his shoulder on the way past.
“Go grab a shower, I’ll make some coffee.”
He huffs but heads towards the bathroom.
When he comes into the kitchen a few minutes later, I push a mug of coffee and a plate of toast across the counter towards him.
“You need to eat something before you go.”
“Thank you. Look, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I knew you were on call this weekend. I admit I might have forgotten until your phone rang, but I guess we should be thankful it didn’t ring last night.”
He smiles round his toast.
“I have this call, and then a couple of follow ups from yesterday. I won’t be back until later, but will you stay again tonight?”
I hesitate, I really shouldn’t. I’m already in too deep.
“Please?” I look at the hope in his face, his eyes cloudy and dark. I have no resolve against them.
“Of course.”
His face brightens again.
“And I’ll sort the animals out.”
“Thank you, Jo.” He leans over to kiss me. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I tease as I hand him another coffee in a travel mug, and steal another kiss before he leaves.
After he’s gone I take a shower and feed the dogs. They join me while I feed the other animals.
“You’re here early.” I’m startled by a voice, as I’m leaning over the sty watching Dolly and Dora.
I look up and see Annie across the other side of the sty with a basket of washing in her hand.
“I said I’d help. Cole got called out.” It isn’t much of an explanation but I’m not sure I want to explain any further. She directs a look over to the yard where Cole’s truck is missing, but where mine has been since yesterday afternoon. Of course, they can see all the cars on the drive from the house. She would only have had to look out of the window last night, or this morning, to see that mine is in the exact spot. She nods and turns back to me.
“Well, I’m pleased he has you to help him out then.” She smiles and moves off.
I stare after her, wondering what all that was about. She’s an astute woman, so no doubt something is going on. Was that her way of giving her approval? I have no idea. I dismiss the thought from my head; I must be imagining things.
Calling the dogs I head out across the paddocks to give them a walk. After an hour, I head back to Cole’s apartment, and leaving the dogs there, I drive back to the village. I want to cook for Cole again tonight and I ought to touch base with Ben and Keith. I have let them know where I am, but I know they’ll be full of questions and I don’t know what to tell them. What can I tell them? I don’t even know what this is. I’m letting Cole discover his new found sexuality with me? Urgh, that sounds so callous, and I know he means more than that to me but we are just friends, so I can’t put a label on it.
I call in at the village store, and while checking out a jar of cooking sauce, I almost bump straight into Megan.
“Hi, Johan.” Her bright smile puts me warily on edge straight away. I know people like Megan thrive on gossip.
“Hello, Megan.”
“Are you joining us for Sunday dinner this week?” I guess she’s heading up to the farm shortly. The way she says it, and that I have been there for the last couple of weeks, makes me think she’s fishing for information.
“Not this week. Cole is on call. He’s out now.”
“Is he now?” I can see the cogs turning over in her head as she works out how I know this information. I’m not going to confirm or deny anything about that so keep my mouth shut.
“I hear that he’s been kissing someone recently, and that someone is you.” She gives me a sly smile. So that’s what this is all about.
“Who told you that?”
“He did.” I don’t think he’s seen Megan for a few days but she continues. “Well, not me directly, but he did tell Lauren, and she and I have been best friends for a long time.” Ah, it was Lauren he told on the phone yesterday morning, but he didn’t mention me. But Cole wouldn’t have lied if Lauren had asked him while he was there. I guess it’s round the village by now then. No wonder Annie gave me the look this morning. I sigh.
“It must be disappointing to not be able to spend your time speculating on who it could be,” I say. She’s getting on my nerves slightly.
“Oh no, with Cole it’s a lot more fun. We can get it straight from the horse’s mouth.”
Oh god, if she asks him a direct question he would answer honestly. I’m suddenly very pleased he won’t be at the family dinner today. But it isn’t right for people to take advantage of Cole that way.
“Megan, if you ever...” I growl, but she places a hand on my chest.
“Relax big guy, I’m his sister-in-law. I would never do anything to hurt him. I just wanted to know if you were good enough for him.”
I take a breath, not happy that she’s goaded me, but pleased enough that she assures me she won’t do anything mean.
“And am I?”
She beams a genuine smile, then, “You’ll do.”
I guess I asked for that. I pay for my shopping and leave, heading to the bakery, and trying to steel myself for the next round of interrogation.
Ben and Keith are relaxing in the conservatory end of their massive kitchen when I walk through the door. The smell of fresh coffee is amazing and as I take a big sniff Ben jumps up.
“I’ll make you a cup.” He claps a hand on my shoulder as he walks past. I sink into a chair enjoying the warmth of the late autumn sun through the window.
“Hello, stranger,” Keith opens with, putting down the magazine he’s been reading. There is also a twinkle in his eye. Ben places a mug in front of me and sits down next to Keith, taking his hand. I suddenly feel like I’ve been called home to explain myself to my parents. I refuse to meet their gazes, picking at a thread on the cuff of my jumper. It’s Ben who breaks the silence first.
“Is it true?”
“Is it any of your business?” I’m surprised at the snap, but after the knowing look from Annie and the exchange with Megan I’m on edge. I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. But Ben deserves better than my foul mood, which might also be partly down to the idea of a blow job being interrupted this morning as well. “I’m sorry,” I sigh.
“I’m just looking out for you Jo.” Ben’s voice is soft. “When I hear that you’ve been linked to the most unattainable and uninterested bachelor in Larchdown I want to know if you’re okay. You’re my brother, and I need to know if people have been spreading rumours about you.”
“It’s true.” I still don’t look at him.
“Are you okay.”
I hesitate, taking a breath. “I don’t know.”
I really don’t know, not at this exact moment. When I’m with Cole, it’s easy. I want to be with him. Hell, he makes me feel things, and I know my heart is not far behind. I’m more than happy to explore what he wants to, but I haven’t stopped to consider what I want. I came here with a definite, “No dating, guys are off limits, do not get involved with anyone,” and yet here I am not a month down the line and I’ve broken that several times over. But now, when I’m not at the farm and a little way distant, what is it that I want? I sigh. I thought being here in England would be simpler than staying in Sweden, but now I’m not sure it was a good idea.
I barely notice the tears falling until Keith hands me a handkerchief. I was always too soft. I don’t know why I’m crying, except that I can’t stop now I’ve started. I can’t bear their concern, so I excuse myself and head upstairs to my room, just needing to be alone for a while.
I don’t know how long I’m there, but eventually the tears stop. I can’t think straight, I can’t think at all. Every time I try to form the question, “What do I want?” any sort of answer slides out of my grasp. I’m laid out on the bed, back to the door, when I hear it open. I feel a weight sit down next to me, and I assume it’s my brother but it’s Keith who speaks.
“Not quite ready yet then?”
I turn over to look at him, remembering his words all those weeks ago—that he would be there for me, he would help mend me.
“Is it obvious?”
“Only to me.” He has nothing but concern in his eyes. “I don’t think Ben fully knows how much Erik hurt you, but he’s never had his heart broken.” He gives me a sad smile, and I remember that Keith hasn’t always been as happy as he is now.
“It isn’t about Erik,” I protest.
“Isn’t it?”
I look away, not daring to confirm it. He places a hand on my shoulder.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”
“I don’t know.” It’s a weak way of trying to avoid having to examine it myself. But Keith just answers
“Why don’t you try?” I’m silent for so long he tries another approach.
“Tell me about Cole.” Ah this is something I can talk about, so I tell him. I tell him how gorgeous he is, how intelligent he is, how we share the same interests, and how generous he is. How he makes me laugh and I love being in his company.
“That special eh?”
“I feel that I want to take care of him. Even Erik never made me feel this way.”
“So what’s yer problem?”
I consider for a moment before answering. “I don’t know what he wants. How he feels. We started this…” Was it really less than forty eight hours ago? “Because he wanted to experience what it felt like. I’m not sure if this is just some big experiment to him.”
“Have you asked him?” I reflect that with Cole out most of the weekend and the rest of the time, well experiencing, I hadn’t even thought about asking him. I shake my head.
“What do you think causes a man who, as far as anyone knows, has never shown any attraction to, or interest in someone before, to suddenly be this way?”
I shrug, because I have no idea.
“Connection,” Keith offers.
“Connection?” I frown, not following.
“My guess is that Cole is demisexual. He needs to form a connection with someone before he can feel any attraction. It seems like he has formed that connection, with you. I guess he hasn’t been that close to anyone before. I’ve heard he doesn’t make friends easily.”
“So, you’re saying I could be anyone. I’m just the first person that came along.”
“No, I’m not saying that, Jo. I’m saying that he made a connection with you, you saw him as worthy of being a friend. That makes you special to him, special enough to feel something. I think it’s pretty wonderful.”
“You do.”
“I do, but you still need to figure out what you want to do.”
“He asked me to stay there again tonight.”
“Do you want to?”
“I do…” he senses my hesitation.
“But?”
“It feels an awful lot like moving in with someone, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Look what happened last time!”
“Ah, the spectre of Erik. I thought he was in there somewhere.”
“I’m not sure I can go through all that again.”
“What? Being cheated on by a lying bastard?”
“It’s not that. Well yes, it is that. But it’s the whole deceit thing. I thought everything was fine, but I was ignorant. I felt foolish and so hurt when I found out the truth.”
“And you think Cole would do the same?”
“No,” I snort. I don’t think that of Cole at all.
“Have you just not answered yer own question?”
I sigh again. “It just feels so fast, too soon.”
“Then don’t let it be. Stay here sometimes, go at your pace too. I get that you want to be there for Cole, you want to look after him. But don’t lose yourself in the process. If you are special to him, then he’ll understand.”
I nod. “Thank you, Keith.”
He smiles at me then because he’s as big a softie as I am, which is why I trust his judgement. He leans over and plants a gingery, whiskery kiss on my forehead.
“Eww.” I laugh. “I will never understand how my brother likes your big beard.”
He guffaws. “You should ask him where he likes it.”
“Urgh, too much information.” I grab a pillow and throw it at him, laughing, feeling better and more at peace with myself than I have for a long time.