Chapter 38 Sophia
“ S pill the beans,” Aria says, crossing her legs underneath her and taking a sip of the margaritas we just made.
I start speaking fast, wanting nothing more than to get this off my chest. “Lorenzo and I are fuck buddies. It was my idea, not his. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Well, yes, I do. I was thinking, hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have fun this summer? But I think… I think I like Lorenzo now. And I don’t know what to do with that information.” I inhale, trying to catch my breath. “Who am I kidding? There’s nothing I can do. I think we’ve established I don’t do well with relationships.”
Aria and Isabella look at me expectantly, not saying a word. I reach for my margarita that has been sitting on the coffee table, waking Isabella’s dog Marley in the process, since she’s been sleeping in my lap. There’s an unspoken agreement that when we’re hanging out at my place, Isabella must bring Marley. She’s the sweetest black lab, and I love cuddling with her. I drink the whole cup in one sitting, waiting for them to say something .
“Have you talked to him about it?” Isabella asks.
I shake my head. “I think we both sort of felt how the vibe changed when he went with me to Kentucky.”
“And how did that go?” Aria asks softly. She knows enough about my family and all my problems, and she knows how much I hate sharing that part of my life.
“He dropped everything to be there with me. He made my mom laugh , Aria. She loved him.” I gulp, scratching my neck. This conversation makes me so uncomfortable, but I need some help. I’m desperate. “He defended my honor with Miles. He cooked and talked with my mom, they got along so well.” I sigh. “He was the perfect gentleman. And the perfect person for me to rely on. He was there, no questions asked. He’s been there this whole time.”
“And how does that make you feel?” Isabella asks, crossing her legs and zeroing her green eyes on me.
“Scared,” I admit. Because even though Lorenzo has brought so much out of me, and he makes me feel strong despite all of my weaknesses, it doesn’t make it any less unsettling.
“Sophia,” Aria whispers, standing from her seat and settling next to me, grasping my hand. “You can’t feel like this forever. You can’t seriously believe every man out there is going to do the same thing Miles did to you.”
My eyes brim with tears, and I’m trying my best to hold them back, but I’m so tired of being fake around people, I finally let one fall.
It’s so much more than that. I’ve never known what true love, from a man, looks like. Everything around me is tainted. What if letting myself love him becomes another path to pain? What if he breaks my heart, too?
Who are you even kidding? Even if you walk away now, you’ll still get heartbroken, because you already fell in love with him.
I don’t want to regret him. Us. All the fun we’ve had this summer. I want to end this amicably so when I look back twenty or thirty years from now, I can remember how the most wonderful man made me feel.
“You need to open yourself to love. You’re a wonderful girl who deserves the world. And if Lorenzo is willing to give it to you, why not let him?” Aria asks softly.
“I’m a mess, guys.” There’s no turning back now, it’s time for me to be honest with my best friends. “I’m all too aware I don’t process emotions well. I’m stubborn. Annoying. Loud. But all of that is something I do to keep people at arm’s length. To make everyone believe I’m happy when I’m not. I’m far from happy.”
Isabella stands from her seat, taking the other side and grasping my other hand. “You are stubborn, yes, we won’t deny it, but you’re an amazing woman, Sophia. You’re always there for all of us. And even though you think you don’t deserve to be loved and cared for, the way you care for all of us is amazing. How long have you felt like this? Why didn’t you come to us? We are your best friends. We’re here for you, through thick and thin.”
“I’ve always felt like this,” I confess, and when I look at Aria, her shoulders are deflated, her eyes welling with emotion. The look on her face guts me. “But I’ve always been good at masking. I didn’t— don’t —want to depend on people. Emotions are…a weakness for me.”
Aria lets out a long sigh, taking a moment before replying. “Emotions don’t make you weak. I’m sorry I never noticed. God, I feel like the shittiest friend.”
I sniff, shaking my head. “God, no. You had your own problems, Aria. You’re not a shitty friend. I just wanted to open up. If anyone deserves my honesty for once, it’s you, guys.”
“What about Lorenzo? Don’t you think he deserves to know how you feel about him?” Isabella asks, ever the voice of reason.
Her question makes me question every moment between us. All our time in Panamá, where after he kept his promise and made me feel good, I disappeared on him like a coward, and instead of making me feel like shit about it, he sought me out to give me the experience of a lifetime. Because that’s Lorenzo Mancini for you—thoughtful, kind, and selfless. He saw how lost I felt, and with his actions, he showed me how much he cared, and how much he was willing to help me.
He absolutely deserves to know how I feel about him, I just need to figure out how I will be brave enough to tell him.