23. Griff
twenty-three
Griff
S tanding over the kitchen sink, I shove another forkful of Jamieson's mom’s apple strudel into my mouth.
It’s so fucking good. When Kara showed me there was another pan in the garage fridge for me to take home last night, I might have done a happy dance.
The soft light over the kitchen sink is enough for me to move quietly and pour a glass of milk while Jamie sleeps. Normally, it wouldn’t be a bother that I’m restless. I’d just wake up and read or watch a mindless show.
But I can’t stop my mind from running over scenarios today with Dad.
Is he going to be angry that I finally got him to this place? Or is he going to jump right in and try to fix our relationship like I desperately hope?
Dinner with Jamieson’s family last night was both amazing and heartbreaking. His mom telling me to call her that if I wanted, almost made me cry. His sister told me in the garage that his parents were thrilled Jamieson finally got his head out of his ass and noticed he was in love with me all along.
That bit blew my mind. To know his sister noticed long before he did was just more proof that we were both living in the clouds .
But sitting at the dinner table, eating a home-cooked meal with people who care about you, people you call family, was something I’ve always longed for. Listening to school kids talk about family Easter or Christmas dinner and visiting families…that wasn’t my life, but it sounded great, and I wanted it.
Now I have it, and this euphoria that contradicts my entire mindset for all these years has me feeling like I’m two people living in the same body.
“Hey, babe. Everything okay?”
Jamieson stands at the doorway of the kitchen, naked as the day he was born, with his hair sticking in every direction. He’s like an angel lost on his way to a Sleep Country mattress photo shoot. He’s more attractive than anyone should be after rolling out of bed in the early morning hours.
“Okay. That’s an odd word, isn’t it?”
After rinsing my cup, I set it in the sink and when it tumbles over, only then do I notice the shake in my hands.
Jamieson’s calloused palms gently grip my shoulders and turn me around, pulling me into his chest.
“It’s fine if you’re not, Griff. I’m here for you and all you need to do is tell me what you need from me. I’ll try to figure it out, but sometimes I can’t. Apparently, I miss a lot of obvious stuff.”
That draws a small laugh from me, and I clutch at Jamie like he’s the tether keeping me standing.
“I’m nervous and scared. What if he hates me for getting him to rehab? What if the dad I knew before was never there, and it’s just me making stuff up?”
“I think those are all normal things to feel, babe. The only way you’ll get answers is when you visit this afternoon. Whatever you remember of your dad in good times isn’t made up. It might feel like it, but I know it’s not true.”
He presses a kiss to my temple and holds me until my shakes finally disappear.
“Sometimes I wonder if you being here is real or just a dream. This, us, standing here in my kitchen like this is…” Swallowing, I shake my head against his chest. “I was prepared to accept I’d never get to have this with anyone.”
“I’m not perfect, Griff. But I love you, and it hurts that you never met someone to treat you like the amazing man you are.” He kisses my temple again. “I’m also really fucking happy you never did, because I wouldn’t be the one holding you right now.”
A hoarse laugh escapes my lips, and I push back to look at Jamie’s handsome, sleepy face.
“I ate half the strudel.”
“Is that a confession?”
“No. I plan to eat the rest for breakfast without sharing. That’s a confession.”
Jamie laughs before cupping my face and kissing me softly. “Come back to bed. It’s lonely without you.”
“I didn’t want to wake you, sorry.”
He tugs my hand and pulls me back to the bedroom. “You wake me when you’re not there. Somewhere in the last few months, having you next to me in bed is what settles me to sleep. I like knowing you’re close by.”
Jamie pulls the blankets back and slides in, turning to open his arm for me to spoon up next to him.
“Thank you,” I whisper before clutching his arm tight against me .
“Don’t thank me for loving you. It’s my privilege.”
“Griff, hello! I’m Miles. We spoke on the phone about your dad.”
“Hi, Miles.” I take his hand, and he motions for me to sit in a chair opposite his desk. “Thank you for keeping me updated. Is he…is he looking forward to seeing me today?”
“He is. Very much, but before you two have a visit, I wanted to prepare you for what to expect.”
It’s odd to be so nervous to visit Dad. I used to visit with a pit of dread and sadness, wondering what I might walk into at his house, but today that ball in my gut is a writhing pit of anxiety. Why am I not happier about it?
“Your dad is progressing well, and he gave me permission to speak with you.” Miles smiles softly. “He loves you a great deal.”
“I love him too. It’s been hard, but I just…”
“It’s hard to watch a parent decline, and he feels a lot of guilt for what he put on you, Griff. I want you to know that. He’s working hard on that, and it looks like you might have guilt of your own to sort through?”
“I feel like I should have pushed him harder or gotten him here earlier. I always felt like…” The familiar frustration bubbles up, and I wish Jamieson were here to help me get a grip on it .
“You’re always welcome to have therapy with someone here as well, if you need. Your emotions are just as valid, and sometimes it’s hard to work through it all. Your dad may have a substance addiction, but it’s your problem, too.”
I’ve never thought about it that way. It’s always been what Dad needs, or Jamie, or anyone else but me. It’s never been a problem, but more of an obligation and maybe that might make a difference to change the way I think about it.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Are you ready to see him now?”
Nodding, Miles motions for me to follow him out of the office and after walking down several hallways, a bank of windows appears, looking out into a gorgeous, landscaped area complete with vegetable gardens.
I spot my dad before Miles even opens the door.
“Can I just go out there?”
“Absolutely. He has about an hour before he’s due for a checkup. I’ll find you when it’s time.”
Stepping out into the sunny, late summer day, I head towards the very skinny man swinging on the wide swing, facing a series of bird feeders. He turns his head my way when my steps crunch on the short gravel path nearby and immediately bursts into tears.
“Hey, Dad.”
He stands and I hold out my arms. “Son.” He hugs me while he cries, and he doesn’t need to tell me what the tears are for. I understand and shed some of my own.
“I didn’t mean to just cry all over you like that.” He wipes at his tears as he steps out of my arms, and I reach for the tissues I stuffed in my pocket .
“Don’t be. I think we both have a lot to talk about and it’s okay to cry.”
Dad takes the tissue I hand him, and dabs at his eyes. He’s lost so much weight, a light wind could blow him away, and after he resumes his spot on the garden swing, I join him.
“You always liked the birds. I remember you had that big feeder with the spinner thing to keep the squirrels out when I was a kid.”
“Yeah. I like to watch them. They’re so…I don’t know. Cool with the feathers and the tiny feet.” Dad huffs. “Tiny feet. What the hell am I even saying?”
“That you like bird feet. Hey, I won’t judge, Dad.” My tone is teasing, and he looks over at me with fresh tears in his eyes.
“Hey…don’t cry.”
“I’ve missed your entire life, Griff. You’re my son, and I missed it all. How do I even make this right?”
Taking his hand in mine, I squeeze it and don’t let go. “This is a good start. You do what the counselors and doctors say and work at being sober. That’s what you do right now.”
“You never gave up on me.”
“I couldn’t. You’re all I have, Dad.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat.
“Don’t hide how much pain I caused you, Griffy. I made you grow up too fast, and you did things no kid ever should.”
While that may be true, things could have been a lot worse. At least I knew he still loved me.
“You were never abusive or mean. You drank to escape the pain and sadness of Mom leaving.” Dad inhales sharply, and I squeeze his hand again. “I don’t blame you. It had to hurt an awful lot, and while I may have been a kid, I was aware enough to know your actions weren’t because you didn’t love me.”
“When did you get so smart?”
He has a small smile, and it lifts my heart to see his eyes finally not clouded by alcohol and to know he really means that. He’s proud of me.
“Well, I’ve always liked having my nose in a book, and I went to university.”
“I missed your graduation.”
“Technically, yes, but I also didn’t tell you.”
Dad’s lips quiver again, and I hold his gaze. Miles and all the stuff I read online advised me to be truthful, and this is one of those times where the truth hurts. A whole fucking lot. “I only told you I was graduating. I never told you the day or invited you because I knew you wouldn’t come, and I didn’t have it in me to deal with that. So I just left it out.”
He sighs and nods, taking a moment to find the words.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, but I want to be now.”
My smile is genuine, and Dad returns it. “I’d love for you to come to the Kissing Ridge rodeo next week. You can watch me be a bullfighter and Jamieson ride a bull. It would mean a lot to me.”
“I’ll be there, but I need a ride, I think.”
“I’ll arrange it for you.”
Dad nods, and we watch the birds fly around from the feeder to the trees and into some sunflowers. We still hold hands, and for a moment, I imagine this as a little boy, holding my dad’s hand in the park or crossing the street. He did that once, and even though I’m close to thirty and we’ve barely hugged over the years, this is something I’ve missed .
“So, this Jamieson. He seems like a nice fellow. How did you two meet?”
My smile comes easily when I hear Jamieson’s name. “At university. I was bored and went to the rodeo team practice during my first year. Someone asked if I wanted to be a bullfighter, and it paid a bit of money, so I tried it. Turns out I’m pretty good at it, and Jamieson was a bull rider.”
“But you never said you were dating. Did I miss that, too?”
“No, that’s new. He’s been my best friend since that day. I’ve loved him for years, but only just told him this summer.”
Dad shifts to look at me, still holding my hand.
“That’s a long time to carry a torch for someone.”
I shrug a little and sigh. “I know, but I was scared. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend if I told him I liked him, and he rejected me.”
“But he didn’t, and now you’re together?”
“We are. Moving in together soon. He bought a house and I’m going to see it tonight.”
Dad’s face is the happiest I’ve seen it in the last twenty years, and I hope to see more of that. “That’s wonderful! Congratulations! I can’t wait to visit you there.”
The crunch of gravel alerts us to someone, and we both turn to find Miles approaching. He taps his watch and turns back to the residence.
Dad and I stand and stroll the path back, still holding hands.
“I’m really happy you came today, Griff. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I can’t thank you enough for giving me this gift and staying with me all these years. Jamieson better treat you right because you’re something special, son. ”
My throat tightens, and I nod. “Thanks, Dad.” I open the door for him, and Miles stands waiting.
“Did you two have a good visit?”
“We did, and he can still come to the rodeo next week, right?”
Miles nods and pats Dad on the shoulder. “Definitely with some stipulations, but we will work out the details and get him there.”
After hugging my dad, he leaves me with Miles to attend his therapy session. I stare after him for a few beats, still in a bit of disbelief that we got this far.
“I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done. He’s not a hundred percent, but it’s the closest I’ve been to the dad I know I have for a very long time.”
“He’s putting in the effort, Griff. You should be proud.”
Miles and I discuss the rodeo part and getting dad to the venue before I leave, and when I exit the building, Jamieson waits for me. He’s leaning against his truck, scrolling on his phone, but puts it away once he sees me.
“Hey. How did it go?”
I fold into Jamieson’s arms and take a moment to enjoy being there. The fabric softener outdoorsy scent still clings to his shirt, and I breathe it in along with everything else Jamie.
“He looks better than I thought he would. It went well.”
“That’s wonderful, babe. If you’re up to it, I thought we could swing by The Thirsty Cow. I hear they have blueberry cobbler today, and I think it’s the best way to celebrate.”
Chuckling, I press a kiss to his lips and step back.
“I think that sounds perfect.”