26. Jamieson
twenty-six
Jamieson
T hey never tell you how much you’ll love meeting your fans and how much you’ll hate it at the same time.
It’s been a long two hours and while I love smiling for photos and making people happy because they met a real bull rider, I hate how shitty my handwriting is every time I sign something. I really need to practice that more. Seems a shame to muck up a nice photo with my chicken scratch.
“Are you ready for tonight?”
Jackson has been signing with me in this Meet the Rodeo Stars thing they always put on. It’s nice to have company, but I wish I was with Griff.
“Yeah. It’s always nice to be home. My parents are here, and even my sister came out. Are you looking forward to being back?”
Jackson semi-retired last year after he met Riley and restarted his hydroponic gardening business. He only attends a few rodeos a year now instead of making it a full-time career, and I couldn’t be happier for the life he’s building. I sure miss him on the road sometimes, but I can’t deny him his happiness.
“I am. You know my parents come up for it every year, and it’s sort of tradition for them to watch me. I’ll probably enter this rodeo until I physically can’t anymore.” He elbows my side. “Plus, Riley loves watching me, and there’s no downside to that.”
“No, I don’t suppose there is.”
A few stragglers enter the signing tent and momentarily distract us from the conversation. Both of us engage with the kids a little longer since there’s no line up and I like to think that adds an extra thrill to their rodeo experience.
“So…” Jackson begins. His voice carries both a smile and a question, and I know what he’s asking.
“Yep.” I nod and hope it implies I’m happy, and answers the silent question on Jackson’s face.
“Griff is a great guy. He loves you more than you might realize.”
Three months ago, I would have agreed, but not anymore.
“Oh, I realize. I’m sorry it took so long, is all. I guess I’m more of a pretty face than a scholar.”
Jackson scoffs. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes it’s harder to pick out the obvious because it’s too good to be true.”
Damn, if that doesn’t sum it all up for me the best way possible. “Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to have my best friend in love with me.”
Jackson wants to say more, but his gaze shifts to the tent entrance, and when I follow his line of sight, my heart dances.
“Oh, thank god you’re still here.”
Griff rushes over, still dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and not at all ready for a rodeo. Which makes sense, since he was with his dad and getting him settled.
“Hey, babe.” I press a quick kiss to his lips and grab his hand. “Is your dad settled in okay? ”
Griff turns to Jackson with a laugh. “Oh, yeah. Riley was on it, along with Jackson’s mom.” Griff’s voice softens. “He’s good. We had a nice walk and…I’m optimistic.”
Jackson squeezes Griff’s shoulder before he leaves us. “Good luck tonight, you two. If you need us to help with anything you make sure you ask. That goes for both of you. Riley and I will be happy to lend a hand.” With another pat to my shoulder, Jackson excuses himself to saddle his horse for tonight.
The tent clears out and staff bustle around cleaning up for the autograph session that comes after the events. I usually do both signing sessions, but this year I passed on the evening session because of the man in front of me and his father.
“Riley said you wanted me to meet you here. Is everything okay? We usually do our pre-event routine after we’re dressed.”
Griff’s brows furrow as his kind blue eyes roam my face, and I realize my mistake.
“Ahh, shit. I’m sorry to have worried you. It’s nothing…I…I just wanted to see you before we go back to all the pre-rodeo bustle.” I rest my hands on his hips and press my forehead to his. “I also wanted to ask you how it went with your dad and have a bit of privacy to do it.”
Griff sighs, and his hands slide around my waist, hooking his fingers into my belt loops.
“It was something I didn’t know I missed. Just walking and eating cotton candy. We shared a bonding moment, I think, and then he was angry for a bit. Nothing we couldn’t work out, but the emotions were everywhere.”
My thumb sneaks under his shirt and rubs small circles across his hip bone .
“And you’re doing okay? I know that’s not a great word, but…do you need to talk about anything?”
Music blasts from the speakers as the pre-rodeo entertainment, which is a clown telling off-colour jokes, starts. I know we don’t have a lot of time left before we need to get to work. This feels like a moment I needed too, not just for Griff, but for me. I need him to know he’s my priority.
Griff ducks his head, pulling us just a step closer. Our chests touch, and he pauses a few breaths before leveling me with the warm gaze I misread for almost ten years. I’m not sure how I didn’t see beyond the affection Griff holds there. Maybe I just never wanted someone to look at me like that until now. Now I don’t want it from anyone else.
“We have some difficult times ahead with my dad. If you’re still in this with me, there will be tears. Lots of tears.” Griff’s lips tilt in a lopsided grin as his fingers grip my belt loops tighter. “So if you want to change your mind, you’ll have to tell me before we go any further.”
His tone suggests a joke. Maybe an unserious attempt to give me an out because of all his insecurities, but there’s no way I’ll ever let him down.
“I’m not changing my mind.” Closing my eyes, I inhale a soft breath and rest my forehead against his. “I can wipe your tears and hold you when it gets too much. I don’t want you to do this alone, and I want to be the one you turn to when it’s hard.”
“I might have to stay away from some rodeo jobs,” he whispers, and I know that was hard for him to say. He might have fallen into this career by accident, but he’s grown to enjoy it, mostly. Now that I know his heart was with me more than the job, it’s easier for me to hear those words and accept I might not always have him at events with me. “You’ll have to go without me sometimes.”
“I’m an adult. His recovery is a priority. I get that, Griff. I only want one thing from you.”
Those blue eyes meet mine and I could get lost in them if I let myself. “What do you want, Jamie?”
“I just want to love you.”
Griff swallows hard and puffs a shaky breath. His lips part and then close, not saying a word. But he doesn’t have to. Instead, I press a soft kiss to his lips and feel his fingers pull my belt loops tighter before releasing them with a sigh.
Griff takes my hand, lacing his fingers in mine.
“Let’s do this. It’s your night, Jamie. I can feel it.”
Bumping his shoulder as we leave the tent, I kiss his cheek as we turn towards the back of the rodeo area. No matter what happens on the back of a bull, he’s right. It is my night.
I broke my usual routine tonight preparing to ride. Breaking a superstition should have me all kinds of messed up, but the truth is…I’m fine.
Griff and I chatted while he taped up his ankles and changed into his bullfighter gear of loose shorts and rodeo-branded shirt. It was easy to just talk about nothing, and it felt like it was what I should have been doing all these years.
It wasn’t his assurance before every ride I needed, or his bull intuition. The longer we prepared alongside each other, the more it became glaringly obvious to me that it was simply his presence that settled me.
“So, what bull do you have tonight?”
“Um…Morphine Dream, I think.”
Griff pauses his stretches and raises an eyebrow. “You think?”
“No, I know. That’s the one.” Griff glances around before taking a few steps over to stand in front of me. “Jamie.”
Griff wastes no time calling me on my shit, and I kind of like it when he does that. He’s a very smart man. I knew that in university, and I know it now. Griff waits for me to let him in on why it’s a new routine tonight and why suddenly I’m not dragging him to look at a bull and tell me how it will ride. When I meet his gaze, he studies my face for what feels like hours when it’s barely been seconds.
“Okay.” He returns to his place and gives me a pass on not putting it into words. I’m sort of happy about that because I don’t really know how to explain it. Bursting into a sea shanty doesn’t seem like the right option, but I need to say something so he doesn’t worry.
“When I was signing autographs tonight, I had this thought.” Griff continues his stretches, and I smirk when he bends over to grab his ankles and sticks his ass out. “I thought, what if I didn’t put so much pressure on you to soothe me…to boost me up before events and I just...” I rush on before he can assure me that’s not what all this was. “I loved knowing you’d be there for me, and I think I might have used it as a crutch. I know how to read a bull, Gr iff.” I suck in a breath. Then another. “Maybe it would be nice if I took that off your shoulders.”
Griff’s face remains unreadable, but his eyes…they really are a window to the soul. Pushing off the bench, my chaps swish with the few steps I take to reach him. “These shoulders.” I rub my hands over them and continue when I have his full attention. “They’ve carried more than enough, and I unintentionally added to that. I just want you to know that if you want to quit or walk away to take care of your dad or any other scenario I haven’t thought of yet, it’s okay. That’s why I changed my routine tonight.”
When Griff remains silent, I step back. “Please say something.”
He graces me with a smile, and the relief is like a glass of water on a hot day.
“I think I love you even more, and I didn’t know until now that was something I needed to hear from you, Jamie. I didn’t want to disappoint you—”
“You never could.”
“I thought I was staying because I was weak and couldn’t walk away from this. What we have here. That still may be partly true, but…hearing you tell me it’s okay to not be here is, fuck, it’s like a weight lifted.”
“Hey! You two need to get going. Bull riders start in fifteen!” A volunteer motions down towards the ring before jogging that way himself.
“Start a new tradition with me?”
Griff cocks his head. “Of course, but make it quick.”
Taking his face in my palms, I kiss him, taste him and hold him in place until his hands are on my chest, trying to find purchase on my flak vest. When I pull away, Griff blinks, then laughs, a joyous sound from the bottom of his feet, before grabbing my hand and pulling me along the path to the ring.
He pauses at the gate to the ring and beams a bright smile.
“Hold on tight and do what you do best, Jamie.”
Then he disappears into the ring.
And that’s what he’s been telling me all along.