Chapter 1
ONE
INDI
“One more hit,” I whispered while inhaling the smoke from the bong. The warmth of it instantly filled my mouth and lungs. I held my breath for a minute before exhaling, coughing from taking too large of a hit. “Oh fuck—too much.” I wheezed and coughed.
Kush rolled around on the bed, just as high as me, when the bedroom door shot open. “Seriously?” I looked up with swollen eyes to see Mary-Jane standing in the doorway. Her face made it clear just how annoyed she was. “I thought we agreed you’d chill out with the weed.”
I coughed again and shook my head as my body buzzed. “Pretty sure I didn’t agree to that.”
And I never would. I love weed way too fucking much.
Mary-Jane rolled her eyes. “You know, ever since the other night, you’ve been acting weird. You didn’t happen to hear from your brother, did you?” My stomach dropped as I eyed her silently.
Of course I hadn’t told her where I went, or who I saw, but even just the hint of her potentially knowing made me nervous. No one could know where Haze was, especially not Mary-Jane.
I coughed a few more times and shook my head.
“I told you, I just went for a drive. Why do you care anyway?” She shrugged.
“You know, you’ve been asking a lot of questions about Haze recently.
Is there a reason you’re suddenly so interested in my brother?
” She didn’t answer. “Aw, what’s wrong, Mary-Jane? Do you miss him?” I made a face.
She scoffed and stomped her foot. “No, I don’t fucking miss him! Why would I miss that psycho?” Her phone in her hand chimed and her face lit up. “As a matter of fact, I met someone.” She raised the device and tapped away, grinning like a child.
“Who the fuck would date you?” I laughed. I completely forgot to censor myself, thanks to the weed.
Mary-Jane grimaced and tried to pretend my insult didn’t bother her.
“A real man, unlike your shitty brother. We met online the other day, and we’ve been talking ever since.
Oh and look at his body!” She whipped the phone around to show me a poor quality photo of a man’s ripped torso.
I looked away, uninterested. She shrugged.
“Your loss. So no, I don’t miss your crazy brother.
I’ve moved on with my life, Indi. I got myself a new man, and I couldn’t be happier.
” She gave me a look. “You could try to do the same. Instead of sitting here day in and day out while getting high with your fat cat.” Kush hissed, and I tried to control my anger.
How did Haze ever stand you?
I coughed again. “You don’t get it, do you?”
Mary-Jane crossed her arms and made a face.
“What’s there to get? You need to just let him go.
I mean, he’s your fucking brother, Indi!
Your twin. You can’t be attracted to him, not really, right?
” I blinked. “Indi, come on. You realize that’s incest, right?
” I didn’t respond. “So what, you plan to just spend your life sitting in your room, getting high, sulking over a fucking psycho? The same man who killed your boyfriend and fucking kidnapped us?”
I shook my head. “He never actually kidnapped us, Mary-Jane. He just…restrained us.”
Wow, I was high as shit. Time for another hit.
I moved the bong to take another hit when she scoffed. “Oh my god…are you actually defending him right now?”
I placed the bong on my nightstand and groaned.
“What else would you like me to do, huh? You want me to just forget the whole thing? Pretend everything is fine in this fucked up world and none of that bullshit happened? Well, I can’t!
So what now? Huh? What do I do now, Mary-Jane?
” She didn’t answer. “Well? Go on. Tell me what I’m supposed to do since you seem to just know everything. ”
Mary-Jane crossed her arms and tossed her red hair over her shoulder.
“You could stop ruining your life for someone who blew it up and then abandoned you.” I froze.
“Haze obviously never cared, or he wouldn’t have just left you to deal with the aftermath of his shit.
Instead, he ran away. A real man would’ve turned himself in.
” She tilted her head. “He wouldn’t just leave you here, ruining your name, and any possibility of a real future, expecting you to just figure it all out on your own.
But he cares, right?” She smiled. “Yeah, okay. Keep just keep telling yourself that lie, Indi.” She shook her head and scoffed. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
Her words made my heart ache.
I shot Mary-Jane a look. “Just because we’re roommates, doesn’t mean we’re friends.
So you might want to watch what you say and remember who you’re speaking to.
” I stood and walked across the room, stopping a foot or so away from her.
“Haze is my brother, Mary-Jane. My twin. We’re one in the same.
So you better watch your fucking mouth when you speak about him. ”
My roommate adjusted her posture, visibly disturbed.
“One in the same?” She laughed. “You’re nothing without him, Indi.
Just an empty, broken half. ” She smiled.
“And like I said, I’ve moved on with my life.
You should really try to do the same.” She looked around my room before her eyes returned to me.
“And I don’t think being roommates is a good fit anymore.
You being here just reminds me of him. And that reminder—that energy—isn’t good for my peace.
” She looked back down at her phone. “If you want to dwell in your fucked up past, be my guest. You just need to do it in your own place, not mine. I don’t have the patience to watch you destroy your life anymore.
Especially for him.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and refused to even look at me, as if acknowledging me was so demeaning to her.
“Do what’s best for us both and try to be out by Thanksgiving.
I have people coming over, and the last thing I need is to be associated with a murderer’s sister. ”
A murderer’s sister. Is that all I am anymore?
Mary-Jane skipped off without a care in the world, leaving me there to sit with her harsh, toxic words.
I felt my heartbeat racing in my ears as my body burned with absolute rage.
I wanted to storm off, to tear the entire apartment apart and rip Mary-Jane’s world into tiny little pieces.
I hated her. I fucking hated her! And for the first time, I realized just how much of a mistake it was to save her from Haze.
I slammed the bedroom door shut and looked back at Kush. The cat was sprawled across my bed, high as a kite. He purred as I walked over and petted him. “I should’ve just let him kill her, shouldn’t I?” He made cute little noises as he rubbed against my hand. “God, I’ve really fucked everything up.”
I looked around the room. Boxes of Haze’s belongings were lined up and scattered around.
His clothes and things were shoved into the tiny closet, and I stood there, really understanding just how much of a mess my life had become.
I was stuck in this frozen aftermath, unable to live without him.
I couldn’t move on…but I couldn't go back. And my entire identity had been reduced to being a murderer’s sister.
I wasn’t me anymore. Indi no longer existed, just Haze’s sister.
It made me question everything, feeling every negative emotion.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or why I’m here. Fuck, why am I here?
I looked around the room again.
“I need to get out of here.”
The music rippled through the club and drowned out any other noises.
I could feel the rhythm as it vibrated from the floor and through my bones.
That pulsating beat guided me in a trance-like state and I got swept away.
I danced and moved, completely lost in the music.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt like my old self; the Indi who partied her feelings away.
The DJ of The Red Eye crossfaded the tracks, blending two songs together.
Yes! This is exactly what I needed.
After arguing with Mary-Jane and questioning my entire existence, I decided the best thing to do was party. I was high as fuck, and planned to just drink myself into oblivion, until I felt nothing but blurred, ignorant bliss. Just like I used to.
It’s been too long since I was here last.
The last time I stepped inside The Red Eye was on Halloween. Haze had found me on the dance floor, and fucked me in front of everyone. It was such a pleasant memory, but as I recalled it, I felt something else. Sadness.
“No,” I breathed. “I don’t want to feel that.” I tried to brush the negative clouds away, but no amount of dancing worked. “No!” I stopped and rushed to the bar.
I need to stop thinking…to stop feeling!
I pushed my way to the bar and ordered. “Two shots of absinthe and a glass of whiskey straight!”
The bartender nodded. “Damn, strong choices. Is there anything else I can get you?”
I shook my head. “Not unless you know a way to make me forget shit!” We both laughed, and he began to pour my drinks.
I spun around and watched the club lights strobe and flash.
Neon colors of green, pink, and red moved throughout the dark club space.
People danced and partied with no care in the world.
And I realized just how much I had missed this place.
“Here you go!”
I turned back around to the bartender and took my drinks. “Thanks!”