Chapter 11
The cell phone’s ringing woke him up. Martin had fallen asleep watching the football game, thanks to a sleepless night the evening before.
By the third ring, he clutched the cell in his hand and was debating about whether or not he should answer.
The number flashing on his phone could only come from one place—the phone shanty near his grandparents’ home.
That meant either Beth, his grandparents, or Patti was calling. He didn’t know what to say to any of them. Avoiding them all for a few more hours was so tempting.
When his phone started ringing a fourth time, Martin sighed. Then did what he’d known he was going to do all along. He answered.
“Hello?”
“Ach! Martin, you picked up! I’m so glad,” Patti said in a rush. “I’d almost given up hope and hung up.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Sorry, I had fallen asleep and it took me a minute to grab the phone.”
“Why were you sleeping in the middle of the afternoon?” Concern laced her tone.
“No particular reason.”
“Are you sick? If so, you can tell me.”
“I’m not sick. I promise. I’m just . . . well, I’m just being lazy. That’s all,” he added as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a soda out of the fridge. “So, hi.”
She chuckled softly on the other end of the line. “Hiya. I guess I forgot to greet you properly.”
“You know that I’m only teasing you.” After taking a fortifying sip of the Coke, he continued. “Now, what’s going on? You sound upset. Was there no church today?” Usually the service combined with the shared lunch with friends lifted Patti’s spirits.
“Nee, we had services. The Gingeriches hosted this time.”
Her voice sounded flat. “How was it?”
She paused. “It was all right, I suppose.”
“Just all right? Was my brother-in-law not on his A game?”
As he’d hoped, she chuckled. “Oh, Richard was in fine form. No doubt about that. He spoke about Jonah and gave us all a lot to think about.”
“Okay . . .”
She continued. “And there was a nice breeze coming in from the outside. It wasn’t stuffy in the barn at all. The time flew by.”
“If all that was good, what was the problem?”
“I . . . well, I was more focused on Sylvia and Kelsey, if you want to know the truth.”
He pulled out a stool and sat down. “What was wrong with them?”
“They were near tears. Kelsey, especially.”
“Why was she crying?”
“She was upset about your family get-together.” Sounding apologetic, Patti lowered her voice. “She doesn’t like it when everyone argues.”
“I see.” Even though it wasn’t fair, he was annoyed with his sister. Why couldn’t she keep anything to herself? Did she have to make a scene in the middle of church? “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I went to talk to them afterward.”
He could feel a muscle twitch in his jaw. Now Patti was involved, too? “And what did they have to say?”
“Well, um . . . they didn’t tell me everything. But, the gist of it is that Kelsey was upset you left so suddenly. She said that you all had argued about something fierce, and that everyone said things they shouldn’t have.”
As her words penetrated, Martin closed his eyes.
Tried to get a handle on himself. But there were so many things wrong with Patti’s story that it was impossible.
But most of all, he resented the fact that he felt obligated to explain himself to her.
Sure, Patti’s call came from a place of concern, but he still thought it was a little gutsy for her to call him about it.
“So, you decided to give me a call right away?”
“Uh, yes.”
“Why? To make sure I knew how upset my younger sister was?” No longer attempting to hide the smallest bit of sarcasm in his voice, he continued. “Or, was it to let me know that my grandmother is now involved in the argument as well?”
There was a sharp intake of breath on the line, followed by a clearing of her throat. “Nee, that’s not why I called.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Sounding more and more distressed, Patti started talking in a rush. “I was concerned about you, Martin. I called because I was worried about you.”
And now he was the biggest jerk in the state of Ohio. “Hush, sweetheart,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry for snapping at you.” When he heard her hiccup, he felt as if someone had just punched him in the gut. “Please stop crying.”
“H-How did you know I was crying?”
“Because I know you.” Because he loved her.
“Oh.”
Martin frowned. He could practically see tears streaming down her face.
It was official. He was the biggest jerk in the world.
“I’m sorry for speaking to you like that,” he said quickly.
“It’s no excuse, but that fight that I had with everyone has put me in a bad mood.
Sometimes I get frustrated because I can’t call them on cell phones or shoot off text messages.
But none of that is your fault. I . . . I spoke without thinking. ”
“If that was how you felt, then there’s nothing to apologize for.”
Patti sniffed, reminding Martin that she was still crying. Man, he would give anything to be by her side right that minute.
These tears were all his fault. Standing up, he walked to stand in front of his roaring fireplace. He had a chill running through him, and he knew it was because he’d hurt her. “I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.”
“It rather sounded like you did, Martin.”
“I know. I can only apologize and ask you to try to forgive me.”
“Of course I forgive you. But, Martin, what is going on?”
He closed his eyes. He wished things were different. He wasn’t sure how he could make things better. No, make things different, but he wished he could. “Listen, that’s why I went home. I’m not in a good place.”
To his surprise, Patti didn’t let him off the hook. “So you just left. Without an explanation.”
“I don’t have an explanation for you.”
“You’re gonna have to try harder. The last time I saw you, things were far different. You acted . . .”
Even through the phone line, he could tell she was trying not to cry and it was all his fault. “I acted as if I really cared about you?”
“Yes.”
“That’s because I do,” he said, hating every word coming out of his mouth. Not because he was telling the truth, but because the truth didn’t necessarily matter.
“Then why did you leave without telling me goodbye?”
He’d reached a breaking point. Both for himself and for everything that he’d been feeling. And regretting.
And trying to ignore.
“I left because I don’t want to be Amish, Patti.”
He’d done it. At last, he’d uttered everything he hadn’t wanted to admit and everything he hadn’t wanted to believe. To his shock, his body subtly relaxed just as her heart felt as if it was breaking.
And, because Patti was silent on the other end of the line, he added, “I’m so sorry, Patti. I really wished I felt otherwise. I tried to explain things to my sisters and Jonny, but they didn’t understand.”
“Oh.”
Oh? What did that mean? “That’s why I didn’t stop by. It was hard enough to tell my family about my decision. I couldn’t bear to tell you.” And . . . now he sounded completely selfish and wimpy, too. He started pacing back and forth across the living room.
“Is that all you were going to tell me?”
“Yes. I mean . . . I think so. Why?”
“Well, I’d rather know how you feel about me.”
He stopped. “Patti, don’t you understand? Since I’m not going to change—”
She interrupted him with a sharp tone. “Nee, Martin. Stop.”
“Stop?”
“Stop explaining things that I already understand. Forget everything but me. Patti. Not Amish Patti. Not your grandmother’s neighbor Patti. Not even flawed Patti. What do you think about me?”
“There is nothing wrong with you. Don’t ever call yourself flawed again.”
“Answer me.”
Boy, she sounded annoyed. It was adorable. “Patti, you know that we shouldn’t—” Not wanting to make things worse, he stopped. What could he possibly say that wouldn’t add more hurt?
“Answer me, Martin!”
“Fine. I love you. That’s how I feel. I love you.
I love all the Pattis you mentioned. I am falling in love with you, but it’s like the worst thing that could happen because no matter how hard I try, I can’t change my entire life.
I tried. Honest to God, I tried.” He gripped his phone so hard that he was surprised the case wasn’t cracking.
“You love me?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
She hiccupped a laugh. “Are you apologizing to me or yourself?”
He wished he could see her. Wished he could look into her pretty brown eyes. Maybe then he would get a better idea about how she was feeling—like, was she just saying the words but holding her thoughts inside for safekeeping?
“I’m apologizing for both of those things, I guess. I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to do that. But no matter how much I’ve tried to find a way to wrap my head around it, I can’t change my entire life in order to be with you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this in person?”
“Because I didn’t know how to tell it to you to your face. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re acting as if I don’t have a choice in the matter.”
“What is the choice?”
“I don’t know, Martin. Maybe you could ask me instead of thinking for the both of us.”
Taken aback, he tried to think of an appropriate reply. What was she saying? Was she really insinuating that she would leave her faith for him?
Would she actually abandon her whole way of life? Her house? Everything she knew and was comfortable with just to be with him?
It didn’t seem possible.
“You’re going to have to tell me what you’re thinking, Patti,” he whispered after he gained his voice.
“I think you know.”
But that was just it. He didn’t. “No, I’m not sure that I do.” When he didn’t hear a reply immediately, he rushed to try to explain himself. “This is too important to me. No, to us,” he corrected, “to guess.”
“Martin.”
“What I’m trying to tell you, Patti, is that I need to hear you say the words.”
“Oh.”
“Please,” he added. He was afraid his pushing was going to alienate her, but he also didn’t want to let her off the hook.
“All right, then.” She took a breath. “Martin, what I’m trying to say is that I think I’m falling in love with you, too,” she whispered.
Tears pricked his eyes. Never. He’d never imagined that she’d ever tell him something like that. Even if she did have feelings for him, he was sure that she would have buried them deep.
Because they had no future.
Or did they?
“Martin, say something,” she whispered.
He dug deep, trying to find a way to convey everything he was feeling into the right words. “I’m trying.” Hearing his weak effort, he mentally kicked himself. “I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but you have taken my breath away,” he said at last. “I wish I was there so I could hug you.”
“I wish you were, too.”
“We’re on the same page, Patti.” He could hardly believe it. They were in love with each other.
She chuckled, though it sounded more dry and brittle than joyous. “You shouldn’t have left without telling me goodbye, Martin.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “What do you think happens next? What do you want to happen next?” If she was wanting to be with him, then she was going to have to leave her faith.
“I guess we pray and think and talk some more.”
“I’ll make plans to come see you, too. I could probably come down Thursday night—”
“Nee,” she interrupted. “I think you need to wait a bit to come to Walden. I’d like us to think about what this means for a spell.”
“Whatever we decide can take place whenever we are ready. There’s no timeline on this.”
“I reckon that’s true. So maybe we need to keep things between us. That is, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind. Even if we weren’t fighting, my family is going to have something to say about all of this, and I don’t want to think about what they want or hear their opinions. I still want to see you, though.”
“I’ll be okay. Now that I know how you feel about me, I think I’ll be all right.”
“If you’re okay, then I’ll be okay, too. I’m going to pray about this, Patti. I mean, pray some more about it.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Will you keep praying, too?”
“Of course.” Her voice was calm and certain.
Amazingly, that tone in her voice made him ease, too. “I’m glad you called, Patti.”
“Me, too. I’m very glad. Goodbye, Martin.”
“Goodbye, Patti. And don’t forget that I love you.”
She chuckled. “I won’t ever forget that.”
After they hung up, he realized that his entire body felt different. He felt buoyant. Filled with hope.
Sitting back down on the couch, he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. Breathed deep.
Patti loved him and he loved her.
They were in love.
No matter what happened in their future, being loved by a woman as special as her felt incredible.
It felt like she was the sweetest gift he could ever receive. “Thank you, God,” he whispered.
Sure, he was going to have a lot of obstacles to overcome, but for the first time in over a year he felt as if he wasn’t fighting to breathe.
He’d always be thankful for that.