Chapter 14
Chapter
Fourteen
MADDOX
I didn’t want to drop that bomb on Luca earlier, but he had to know. I can’t give him all of me. Not only am I too damaged, I’m too afraid that if he leaves me too, he’ll shred any last semblance of who I used to be. Then students and faculty really will have a reason to call me a hard-ass.
I’m barely hanging on as it is, that box wanting to be opened again and again, but I’m pushing it away, staying in the now.
I want Luca. I want all of him, whatever he’s willing to give me.
And doesn’t that make me a hypocrite, because I can’t give him all of me.
Whatever. At least I’m the one he comes to when he needs a break, when he needs peace and comfort. That’s enough for me. Maybe it’ll be enough for him as well.
Crista corners me before I can leave to get ready for Luca, tapping her foot that’s clad in some expensive-ass heels. “Uh, did you forget you have friends?”
I roll my eyes as I adjust my bag on my shoulder. “How could I forget? I have exactly one.”
“No one’s fault but yours, Scrooge.”
“You do know Scrooge was greedy, right? Not just unfriendly?”
“Dr. Frankenstein?"
“Mad scientist, not theater professor.”
She huffs as we walk down the hallway, her heels clicking loudly. “Well, whoever. You’re grumpy and that’s why you have no friends.”
Before I can tell her it’s because I hate people, Professor Hilman steps out of an adjoining hallway, grinning that smarmy smile I fucking hate.
God, I hate this fucking guy. Across campus, he’s seen as some helpful professor, the one students go to when they need extra help or encouragement. It seems like a ploy to me.
He’s too helpful, too eager to be seen as the good guy. Something about him gets under my skin, but Crista tells me I’m too hard on people. Whatever, I don’t like the guy.
I also hate his stupid face.
The first time I told Crista I felt a vibe, she told me it was because Hilman was genial and friendly, the complete opposite of me.
I reminded her that she was the same way and I’ve never felt anything off with her.
She put thought into it and said she could see what I was saying, but he’d not done anything wrong, so my assumptions were just that.
One of these days, I’ll be proven right. I’m not sure when, but it’ll happen.
Hilman falls into step with us and I scowl at him. “We were talking,” I mutter.
“Yeah, I heard,” he says, flashing me that creepy smile that makes him look like someone trying to get a kid into the back of a white van. “You are a little grumpy. Makes it hard for people to get close to you.”
“That’s the point. If you’ll excuse us,” I say in a tone that screams “go the fuck away before my fist meets your face.”
The smile drops from his face and he stops walking as I drag Crista down the hallway.
She makes an amused sound as we exit the building. “You know, I take it back. I’d say more Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
I snort and walk her to her car. “What did you want? Echer giving you trouble?”
Crista waves me away. “He’s harmless. A lot of bluster, but when I mentioned he’d get dropped from my class too, he shut the fuck up. No, I was coming to see if you wanted to do dinner tonight. Mika is hanging out with her sisters to plan my surprise party and doesn’t want me around.”
“How do you know she’s planning your party? Did you snoop through her shit?” I ask, leaning against her car.
“Don’t have to. I know her better than she knows herself. She’s also a terrible liar. It was a matter of deduction.”
I chuckle. “You know, for a creative writing professor, you sure do a lot of math.”
“Screw you, you roided-up theater teacher.” She makes a show of pinching the muscle of my bicep. “Guess we’re both subverting expectations. So what do you say? Dinner? It’ll be on me.”
“Can’t,” I say, pulling my bag higher on my shoulder.
I peek down at my watch and try to hide the smile that wants to bloom across my face.
Luca texted me minutes after he left. I gave him my address and said I expected him not to be late. He informed me that his car was back in good working condition and he wouldn’t. I could practically feel his blush via text.
It’s probably not smart, having him come to my home, but that’s where I feel the most comfortable. If I want to put Luca at ease, to keep him coming out of his shell, I have to meet him somewhere we can both unwind.
A hotel would have been the smart move, but that’s too impersonal. I plan to keep doing whatever this is with Luca for a while. It’s best we start somewhere we don’t think our wall neighbors will hear us.
An eyebrow raised, Crista says, “You got plans? With a guy?”
If I give her even an inch, she’ll push and push until I explode because she doesn’t know how not to be nosy. “I have plans,” I repeat.
“Ugh. So you and my girlfriend are keeping secrets. Is anyone loyal anymore?”
I can’t help the laugh that bubbles up my throat. “Good night Crista.”
“Night, Mad. Make sure you give me all the dirty details.”
“No,” I call over my shoulder, and I hear her bright laughter.
When I slide behind the wheel of my car, I marvel at the fact that my heart is racing just thinking about Luca. I’m not sure what that cute twink is doing to me. Even he didn’t make me feel so… buoyant.
I feel light, free. Even though I know I can’t give him more than my body, it feels good to even want to do that.
Being closed off for decades and fucking men in Mask—men who aren’t as demure and soft as Luca—doesn’t top getting to see the pleasure bloom across Luca’s face at the slightest touch. It’s a revelation.
I have to be careful, though. The last time I felt even marginally this good, I—
No, I won’t think that. What Luca and I will be doing is not the same as what happened before. It’s just physical. It has to be. Anything more will probably break me.
When I get home, I tidy up then take a shower. I don’t know how far we plan to go tonight, but I want to be ready just in case.
I wish I’d stopped by the store and picked up a bottle of wine before I got home, but my mind was on how to make Luca comfortable first, then how to make him writhe for me.
If the small amount I showed him at Mask had him as hard as he was, I can only imagine how he’ll moan when I suck him down and—
A sudden knock at my door jars me from my thoughts.
Smoothing back my hair, I hurry to the door and open it.
Luca takes my breath away. He’s wearing simple clothes—dark blue jeans, a purple shirt, and scuffed converse. His hair is still a little damp, hanging in waves in his face. He’s not dolled up, not primped to look good for me, and yet, he’s fucking gorgeous.
He smiles up at me, unsure but confident. It’s such a contradiction, it’s almost giving me whiplash. “Hey, Professor.”
“Maddox,” I say as I step aside to let him brush past me. His body slides along mine, the sweet, almost fruity scent of him driving me wild.
Luca takes a few steps inside, looking around at my place. I try to see it through his eyes, hoping he likes the simplicity of it.
My house is a small cottage-style home, with two bedrooms and two baths.
I have one of those bay windows with a cushioned seat, the perfect place for sunlight to stream through.
I don’t watch much television, so I have a projector I use on the large empty wall across from the sofa if I’m ever in the mood for a movie.
Dark greens and browns make up the decor of my home, understated and calm.
A smile spreads across his face as he turns in a slow circle. “It’s very homey. I imagined…” He waves his hands toward my body and I chuckle.
“Bigger?” I supply.
“Yeah. But this fits you.” He bites his lip, looking at me through his lashes.
“You didn’t bring your study material,” I murmur, stepping closer to him.
Luca’s eyes widen, but for the first time, there’s no trace of fear, no apprehension. Luca looks at me like I’m hope, a guarantee that he’ll get exactly what he wants, exactly what he needs.
“I uh…” He stuffs his hands in his back pockets, that sweet blush racing down the front of his throat. “I forgot, Professor.”
I stalk over to him, and Luca’s mouth drops open as he pants and walks backward.
His back against the wall, I press my body to his. “What do you think I should do about that?”
Now I do see fear in his eyes and his bottom lip trembles before he darts his tongue out to wet it. “Umm…” Wetness clouds his eyes and I step back, giving him room.
“Luca?”
“I’m sorry. Wait. Wait. Teacher.”
I take one more step back so he has space to breathe. He lowers his head, pulling in a steadying breath. “I’m sorry, Luca. I didn’t mean—”
“I just need a second. It’s not you,” he says, shaking his head quickly. “It’s not. I promise.” He looks at me, eyes dry and clear now. “I’m just… new to all this.”
Nodding, I hold my hand out, and Luca takes it gratefully. “I need to know your limits, Luca. I don’t mind you safe-wording—I welcome it when you’re uncomfortable and want any play to stop. But if I know your limits, you won’t have to use it.”
“I’m sorry.”
We sit on the couch and I ask, “Do you want to run?”
“No,” he says earnestly, though he peeks at the door. “I told you I don’t know what I’m doing. If it’s too much…”
“It’s not. Like I said, I want you to use your safe word when you’re uncomfortable.
But I need you to tell me what you like and what you don’t like so I don’t cross any lines.
I’m not here to push your boundaries until they snap.
I want to make you feel good while skirting those lines.
So before we go any further, let’s talk about that. ”
“Okay.” His hands twist in his lap, his eyes reflecting that shyness I’m so used to.
“What we’re doing.” I motion between us. “What we plan to do, it requires trust, even if it won’t go past anything physical. I need you to trust me with your body, your pleasure, your safety, and I need to trust that you’ll tell me when you don’t like something we do.”
He nods, chewing his lip roughly. I drag it from between his teeth and he gives me a grateful smile.
“So, tell me, Luca. What are some of your hard limits?”
His eyes take on a haunted quality that makes my chest ache. What happened to him? “I don’t like being backed into a corner or crowded. It’s just… I don’t like it.”
“Okay, I won’t do that. What else?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Do you not like being tied up, restrained in any way, gags, spankings?”
His eyes grow wide with every option I lay before him, and something clicks in my mind in a few seconds.
Oh shit. Jesus… what if…
“Luca,” I ask delicately, taking his hand between mine. “Are you a virgin?”