Chapter 24 #2
I bark a laugh. “Before I hit my growth spurt at the end of my freshman year, I was.
I was overlooked and sometimes bullied for being different.
Then, when I grew about eight inches taller and my shoulders got wider almost overnight, everyone was clamoring for me to play defense for the football team.
“Football was my second choice. Preceding that, I thought I’d catch my big break by some talent scout coming to the small diner I worked at and seeing my look and wanting me on the big screen.
But I came to my senses and realized that football might be my ticket out when I heard a few scouts ask about my stats even before I stepped onto the field. ”
“Did you want to be an actor?”
“Yes and no. I wanted to get away from my small town, to have more opportunities than a trailer lot a few doors down from my folks. I wanted more out of life, but without the money and the means, I wanted to get away any way I could.”
Luca hums in understanding and I continue.
“I got accepted to Evergreen in the middle of my senior year and I took the athletic scholarship with both hands. I didn’t care about the school’s record or if they were any good, I just wanted to get out of my town and be who I wanted to be.”
“What do you mean?” Luca asks, leaning forward with rapt attention.
“I told you I was into theater in high school. Before I played football, people already clocked me as gay. When I got to college, I stopped hiding it. My parents cut me off, being small-minded and homophobic. So I had nothing holding me back from having a future. That’s when I met him.
Sebian. Seb for short. He was… a lot like you.
Smaller, perpetually happy, really good looking.
We hit it off immediately and dated from sophomore year until I was a senior. I thought we’d get married.”
A sour look crosses Luca’s face, but he tries his best to cover it.
I love that he shows me all of his emotions, totally different from Seb.
Seb perfected a blank mask, showing me nothing and making me pry all his feelings and emotions from him.
Looking back on it, Seb showed me who he was. I just didn’t want to see it.
Wringing his hands on the table, Luca asks, “Why didn’t you?”
Smiling sadly, I say, “When I got to Evergreen, I fell in love with the theater program. I’ve always wanted to study theater, and when the professor took a liking to me and my passion, she took me under her wing and we worked together.
I knew then I wanted to be just like her.
I never had the desire to be on the big screen, so I wanted to help people achieve that dream for themselves.
I didn’t want football to be my future. I never had aspirations to play in the NFL. I wanted theater.”
Luca grins. “You’re a really good teacher. You had a good mentor.”
“She was the best. I was lucky I figured out my future early.” My smile drops from my face as I remember the rest. “I told Seb a few months into senior year. We were talking about the future and he asked if I’d entered the draft, since the window was closing.
I told him I wasn’t going to, that the NFL wasn’t my dream.
I should have known from the way his face fell that was the moment I lost him.
But instead of telling me, he pretended it was okay, that he was happy with my decision.
He started distancing himself and cheating on me shortly after. ”
“I’m sorry,” Luca says with a gasp, gripping one of my hands in both of his. “Because you didn’t want to go to the NFL?”
“Yeah. Seb wanted to be a trophy husband. He only came to college to hook a man who would take care of him. When we met and he found out I was on the football team, he sank his hooks into me, thinking I had aspirations to play professionally. There weren’t many out players, especially back then, so he wanted to cling to someone who would show him off in public when fame hit. ”
Taking my face in his hands, Luca kisses me gently, and some of the anger of my past bleeds out of me. I kiss him back, wanting to get one last taste, just in case the rest of my story scares him off.
“I’m so sorry,” Luca whispers. “Did you leave him?”
I breathe a laugh. “Worse. He left me. And I didn’t take it well.
” Exhaling roughly, I say, “Back when I was in high school, I had to fight a lot because of my perceived sexuality. I’m ashamed to say I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder.
My temper was off the charts. So when I saw them together one day, I lost it.
I approached them, yelling and cursing, calling Seb out for how he treated me.
His new man tried to defend Seb’s honor and pushed me.
I saw red and beat the shit out of the guy.
Not just because he put hands on me, but because I saw him as the reason my relationship ended.
He was the reason I wouldn’t have the man I wanted.
He was the reason my life was in fucking shambles.
” I push a shaky hand through my hair, reliving one of the worst moments of my life.
I pause for a few beats, assessing Luca’s face.
“He wound up in the hospital for a few days, and the only reason I didn’t end up with a record is because he struck me first. But I’d already planned to break his face even before that.
It was just dumb luck that he was chivalrous.
” I blow out a long breath. “My entire future almost went up in smoke because of my temper.”
Luca slides his hands from mine and my heart sinks. But I told him I’d tell him my story, so I keep talking, finishing up the tale of my past.
“After that, Seb wanted nothing to do with me. He and his boyfriend transferred to Meridian, and last I heard, they’re still together.
Seb got what he wanted and I couldn’t let him go because I thought the first person to show me attention was meant to be mine.
But Seb never loved me. If he did, he wouldn’t have left me so easily because I wouldn’t or couldn’t give him the life he wanted. In my young mind, I couldn’t see that.”
We’re quiet for a minute and I count down how long I have left with Luca. There’s no way he doesn’t think I’m a violent piece of shit who’ll put my hands on him. But I would never do that.
I tell him as much.
“I’m not abusive, Luca.” He tilts his head as he looks at me, confused.
I can understand why he would be. I just admitted to putting someone in the hospital.
Why would he think he’s safe? “I won’t hurt you.
I swear it. I just… I lost it on that guy because I thought he was my enemy. But I’m… that’s not me.”
It is me, though. Not with my partners, but my temper is always just under the surface, expecting something to go wrong or someone to piss me off so I can explode. But Luca has never made me feel that. Around him, I feel… calm. Like nothing can bother me. He’s a balm to my soul.
“Maddox,” he whispers, and my heart thumps in my chest. Especially when he slides from his seat and onto my lap. I grab on tight, holding him close enough that he squirms against me. “I don’t think you’d hurt me. You remember what happened at Mask?”
I urge my dick not to get hard thinking of how beautiful he looked bent over that bench, his ass red and inflamed from my hand. “What?”
He smiles. “You were so worried, so upset. You held me like I was made of porcelain, apologizing and making sure I was okay after you did exactly what I wanted, because you were concerned. A violent person wouldn’t care that way. If you wanted to hurt me, that would have been your moment.”
“What if I get angry?” Am I trying to scare him away? What kind of fucking question is that?
He shakes his head. “I’m not worried. We all get angry, but I trust you.” He bites his lip, his gaze unsure. “Is that… okay? You still want to be with me now that I know, right?”
Sighing, I bring him in for a kiss. “Are you kidding me? You’re the best thing to happen to me, Luca. I don’t want you to leave. But I want you to be sure.”
“I’m sure. I don’t want to go.” I kiss him again until we’re both breathless. When he’s able to breathe again, he says, “I’m not saying violence is okay, but I don’t think you’re an inherently violent person. Being targeted for being queer has a way of burrowing into you.”
“Has someone made you feel that way?” I ask, my fingers tight on his thigh just thinking about anyone hurting him.
Luca grins, but shakes his head. “No, never. I’ve always stuck to myself and never really thought about what I was. I didn’t know what I wanted until… recently.”
I let out a long breath, glad Luca avoided that fate.
“Good. Now you know my dark past, why I am the way I am. I’ve closed myself off for twenty years, afraid someone would come along and hurt me like Seb.
Then you showed up, the opposite of him, and made me happier than I’ve been in my life. Thank you, Luca.”
His smile is slow and sweet, his eyes soft and full of an emotion I’m too afraid to name. “I’d do anything for you, Maddox.”
He seals his promise with a kiss, and my heart makes more room for him than it already holds.