Olivia
Sasha is my best friend and I love her. But right now I really need her to leave me the fuck alone.
She thinks I’m depressed but I’m not. Okay, maybe I am a little bit…
fine a lot depressed but not in the way she thinks I am.
She doesn't trust me to be left alone. I think the longest she has left me in my apartment alone was for thirty minutes and I’m not even joking when I say she called me every five minutes.
I was tempted to turn my phone off but then I knew she would rush home to make sure I was okay.
Sash has slept in my apartment, in my bed for over a month now.
She’s been working from home, well, my home, the whole time, only going into the office when I have to go to work, which lately isn't very often. I’ll shoot events that the team has and games but as soon as they’re over I go straight home.
I haven't been to my office for almost two months.
When I was in there all I could think about was the time that Josh bent me over my desk and fucked my brains out and then hiding under it when Katherine came in.
She kept asking me why I was so flushed and sweaty and I told her I think I was coming down with something.
Thankfully hearing that, she stayed at the door, not wanting to risk herself getting sick.
Seeing Josh breaks me. He’s been so distant with everyone.
Conor’s worried about him and asks me every week if I’ve spoken to him yet but I just can’t.
It’s not my place anymore. Not when I’m the reason he’s like this.
He’s been playing like shit, missing passes, not scoring, and he’s been so aggressive to the other teams they've played, attacking them for no reason.
I’ve heard talk that if he keeps it up, he’ll lose his captain title but according to Conor, he doesn't care. That’s what makes this so much worse. Hockey was Josh’s life and I broke him. I’ve reduced him to nothing.
Honestly, the feeling is mutual. Not even watching re-runs of Friends is easing the mental pain I’m in.
Sasha has been nagging at me for weeks now about not eating.
I don’t understand what she wants me to do when I have no appetite at all.
It’s got so bad that when she’s not looking, I throw my food away.
Or if she asks if I’ve eaten, I tell her I have when all I’ve really done is pull some leftovers out of the fridge and throw them straight into the trash.
I have tried to eat but I just can’t. Everything makes me nauseous.
Thankfully, she believes me because even though I haven't been eating, I'm somehow gaining weight. It’s a mystery. I know with my pill, sometimes I can gain weight, other times I don’t.
It’s like every batch affects me differently.
I'm nauseous all the time now too. I get like this when I’m stressed.
It happened after my dad left. I was sick all the time and had to be prescribed anti-sickness medication to make it stop.
I don’t want to see a doctor this time though.
What’s the point? It’ll go away on its own.
Although if I had to spare myself the embarrassment of Daniel Michaelson watching me throw up in the stadium parking lot, again, I might be open to some form of help.
Oh, and if Sash tells me to shower one more fucking time-
“Oh good, you're up!” Sasha singsongs, drying her wet hair with a towel but still leaving a trail of water droplets onto the floor.
“Yep.” I reply, popping the ‘p’, no enthusiasm in my tone whatsoever.
“Are you ready? We have to go soon.” She tells me, piquing my interest.
“Go where?”
“Your doctor's appointment. They called last week, remember?” My mind is drawing blanks. How do I not remember this? Sensing my confusion, Sash carries on, “For your pill refill.” She draws out the last word, giving me a look of confusion that matches my own.
I rub at my eyes with the palm of my hands. “Sure.” I say, standing from the couch. “I can go alone.”
“Don’t be silly, Liv. I’m coming. Gotta support my favourite girl.” What’s there to support? I pee in a cup, get my blood pressure checked and then leave. She’s smiling at me but I can't muster the energy to return it. I merely grunt in response, leaving the room to go change.
Why are doctor’s offices always so cold?
Not physically cold but like just that feeling.
They’re always so dull and lifeless. And why the hell do they set a time for an appointment when they are always running behind?
I’ve been sitting here with Sasha at my side for over thirty minutes now.
My appointment was supposed to be twenty-five minutes ago.
I am bored out of my skull and there’s a guy sitting next to me that stinks so bad, I feel like I’m gonna be sick.
“Olivia Evans!” I breathe a sigh of relief, partly because I’m finally getting seen and partly because I can breathe again without vomit tickling the back of my throat.
Sasha, of course, comes into the room with me. I’m surprised she isn’t sitting on my lap at this point. I’m even more surprised when she doesn't offer to hold the cup while I pee into it. I don’t know why she hasn't slapped me yet. Or just left me the wallow in my own misery.
I’ve been such a shitty friend lately and I would definitely deserve it.
My urine sample is sent down to the labs where they’ll test it for…
I don't even know what they test it for. While we’re waiting for the tests to come back, the doctor checks my temperature and blood pressure and asks how I’ve been recently.
I tell him I’ve been fine but Sasha had to cut in with “She’s been pretty down.
” She says the last word quietly as if it’s a massive issue and I’ll be sent to an institution if someone else hears it.
I’m not sure if she sees the death glare I'm sending her way or if she’s choosing to ignore it.
“Can you tell me more about this, Olivia?” The doctor asks me, his kind eyes raking over my face, assessing me.
“No.” Is my clipped reply. Guilt instantly floods me and I give him an apologetic look, “I’m fine.”
“Well, if you want I can refer you to-”
“I said I’m fine. I don't need help.” I shout, guilt be damned.
Thankfully, the doctor ignores my small outburst, going back to the reason I’m here. “Are you happy to be put on the same medication as before?”
“Whatever.” I murmur, slumping down in the chair.
I know I’m being difficult right now but I don't care. This is the last place I want to be. All I want to do is go to bed and stay there forever, but I have work this evening. A charity event hosted at the stadium by the team. There will be ice skating, a barbeque, and performers. It’s a whole thing and all donations will be sent to the children's hospital. I love the idea of it, I really do, but I am dreading it. I thought by now, seeing Josh would hurt less but it’s like everytime I see him, it hurts more.
The doctor nods in response, turning towards his computer and typing rapidly. I glance at Sash who's giving me a warning look but I just roll my eyes.
“Oh, good.” The doctor begins, “Your lab results have come back.” He almost seems relieved. He probably is relieved seeing as I’ll be leaving here within the next couple of minutes.
I wait. And wait some more, my knee bouncing wildly with impatience. The doctor's thick brows scrunch down as he reads over my results. He looks at me, then back to his computer again and I swear to God if he doesn't hurry up I’m gonna scream.
Finally, he turns in his chair to face me again, a look of concern on his face that has my pulse spiking. “Olivia,” he says in a somber tone. ‘Just spit it out man!’ I want to yell at him but Sasha’s tight grip on my knee keeps me in check. “Were you aware that you’re pregnant?”