Olivia
“What?” I ask the man opposite me at the same time Sasha lets out a loud gasp. I don't think I heard him right. I couldn't have heard him right. Right?
“You’re pregnant.” He says again, slower this time as if allowing me time to fully take in what he’s saying.
“I’m sorry, what?” I ask again, just to make sure. Third time’s a charm and all that.
“Okay, I gather by your reaction that you did not know that fact.” Well gee, what an interesting and ground breaking observation this man has made.
Sasha's grip on my knee tightens to a painful pressure, her nails digging into the skin underneath my leggings.
“I am going to refer you to the midwife here to get you seen today. Would you mind going back out to the waiting room?” Yes actually I do mind. But I gave him a tight lipped smile in response, gathering my bag and leaving the room.
I don’t speak while we wait. Sasha doesn't speak either. Both of us in shock and utter disbelief. If you had asked me before how I was feeling, I would have said numb. But that is nothing compared to how I feel right now.
I’m pregnant. I am pregnant. There’s a baby inside me right now. Josh’s baby.
I don't register my name being called until Sasha grabs me by the hand and pulls me to my feet. I don’t feel like I'm in my body as we walk down the brightly lit halls of the doctors office. I feel like I’m floating, watching myself in third person.
I don’t enter my own body again until I’m seated opposite the midwife.
“Hi, Olivia. My name is Marie and I’ll be taking care of you today.
” I nod weakly at her, not able to find my voice.
“I see from your lab results that you have high levels of HCG. That’s the hormone we look for when testing for pregnancy.
” Marie looks like a nice woman. Early thirties maybe?
With dirty blonde hair cropped around her shoulders and a kind smile.
“So first, I’ll be asking you a few questions and then we’ll do a quick ultrasound to make sure baby is doing okay. ”
Sasha hasn’t let go of my hand since we sat down and although it might not seem like it, I’m grateful. I’m glad she's here with me.
“When was your last period?” The midwife asks, her friendly smile aimed at me.
“I uhh, the pill I’m prescribed means I don’t get periods. I haven’t had one in years.” I answer her, my eyes fixed on the ugly brown carpet on the floor.
“Okay.” She says, fingers flying over the keys of her computer. “When was the last time you were sexually active?”
I think for a moment, more for the effect because I know exactly how long it’s been. “Almost three months.”
“Oh.” Is her only response, eyebrows shooting to her forehead. She glances between me and Sash. “Did you have any symptoms? Tiredness, sore breasts, headaches, nausea?”
“I’ve been more tired lately.” I admit, “And I feel sick all the time but I have been stressed and I get stomach issues when I’m feeling like this so I just assumed…
” I trail off, not finishing my sentence.
Not needing to. My eyes burn with unshed tears but I don’t entirely understand why.
I feel guilty for not being overcome with happiness at finding out I’m gonna be a mum.
I feel sad at the thought of being a single mum.
What if I tell Josh and he wants nothing to do with me or the baby?
What if he wants everything to do with us and risks losing his career?
I always thought that when I found out I was pregnant, I would be sitting at home with my husband, counting down the minutes until we could flip the test over and know if our lives were going to change. I never imagined it would be like this.
“If you don’t mind lying up on the bed here and lifting your shirt above your stomach that would be great.”
I do as Marie asks, only letting go of Sasha’s hand to lift my shirt.
She gives it a reassuring squeeze as the midwife wheels her chair over to the monitor beside the hospital bed that’s used for ultrasounds.
“Are you ready?” She asks and I give her a slight nod of my head.
“This might be cold.” Marie tells me as she uncaps the bottle of ultrasound gel and squirts it onto my bare stomach.
I flinch at the coldness, every feeling and sensation heightened by my shock for this whole situation.
“I’m going to check for the heartbeat first and then I’ll take some measurements to determine how far along you are. ”
I eagerly eye the screen, waiting to see my baby for the first time. As soon as Marie touches my stomach, the screen comes to life.
Oh my God. My chest feels tight, my nose burns and my eyes well with tears.
It’s a baby. A real baby. My baby. Sasha sniffs beside me, a hand flying to wipe at her eyes but I can’t stop staring at the screen.
The small flickering of the heartbeat, the tiny arms and legs.
It’s all too much. In the best way possible.
“From these measurements, it seems as though you are about sixteen weeks pregnant.” Marie tells me.
How can I be pregnant for four months and not know?
How am I supposed to tell Josh? My heart aches at the thought of him like it always does but now that feeling is tenfold.
As soon as the rhythmic beating of the heartbeat reaches my ears, everything else fades away. It feels like it’s just me and my baby in the room. No midwife, no Sash, no cold doctor's office. Just us. Nothing else matters in this moment and I just know everything will be okay.