CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Zane
Blair’s soft lips electrify me as my body throbs with desire, but when she bucks against me for the fifth time, I reluctantly pull away, my breaths ragged.
“We have to stop.”
“What?” She stares up at me, her eyes wide as her lids flutter.
“I heard what you said earlier. Well, texted. Either way, you wanted time, and I’m going to give it to you.”
“But you’re here?” She bites back a smirk, and it takes everything in my power not to replace her teeth with mine.
“I’m here because I want to be. But I’m still going to respect your wishes.”
“What if I’ve changed my mind?”
“Prove it.”
Blair wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me closer, pressing her lips to my mouth.
She tastes delectable today, like my favorite flavor of ice cream—strawberry; I think it’s her gloss and it’s fucking intoxicating—but instead of sucking her lips to savor it, I do the opposite and pull away again.
“For my sake, I am going to regret this for the rest of my life, but for yours… that’s not the proof I need.”
“What?” Blair frowns, confused. “Do you want me to strip or drop to my knees and—”
“Fuck.” I cup her mouth so she’ll stop filling me with visuals, when this is already hard enough. I’m not used to doing the right thing, and it fucking sucks. “I want to see the list, B.”
“The list?”
“Come on, you know what I’m talking about. I want your pros and cons list. If you were worried, and now you’re not, then it means you worked through your concerns and—”
Blair’s lips part as she takes in a sharp breath, momentarily distracting me. She’s so beautiful when she gets all flustered like this. I almost forgot that I had this effect on her.
“My lists?”
“Oh, B. We’ve had this conversation before. I remember everything about you. So… where’s the list?”
“I don’t have one. And I’m confused because I don’t remember specifically telling you about my lists.”
“You didn’t have to. I saw it with my own eyes. Several times.”
“When?” She squints, challenging me.
“When you were deciding which college to attend—ours or NYU. After an extensive pros and cons list which I remember took days, you opted to follow me and Cade.”
“I wasn’t following you. It had a great English program and…” She trails off when I smirk. “You’re an ass. You knew that too, didn’t you?”
“Of course. I’m the one that told you about the fellowship they offered.” Tears prick Blair’s eyes and my stomach sinks. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”
“No.” She shakes her head frantically. “Don’t be sorry. I’d forgotten how good you were to me. For me. Actually no, I didn’t forget. I pushed it from my mind.”
“B. You—”
“What’s number two?” She changes the subject, wiping her eyes as she smiles.
I pause, running through a quick pros and cons list of my own, deciding how to proceed. I should encourage her to talk about her feelings, but at the same time, she let me move on when I couldn’t say my sister’s name, so she deserves the same respect.
“When you were deciding whether or not to hook up with me.”
Heat creeps up Blair’s neck, dusting her cheeks in a beautiful pink glow, and I know I’ve got her. “Please tell me you didn’t see that list.”
I raise a brow, teasing, but quickly shake my head. “I didn’t. But God, I wish I had. I’ve always been curious as to how close it was between the yeses and nos.”
“The yes won by a point.” She stares at me deadpan and I burst out laughing.
“Sounds right. So… Do you believe me now, that I know how big of a deal this is?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Want to write a list together?”
“What?” She giggles and the sound makes my heart thrash against my ribs. Fuck, I crave her. But right now, she feels like sin, and while I’m ready to get burned, I don’t think she’s ready for the fire. To prove my point, her gaze narrows in intrigue. She’s considering my offer.
“You want to write a pros and cons list together? To determine what exactly?”
“Whether or not you’re ready to move on with me.”
“Are you?” she counters, her expression stoic as she challenges me. And fuck if it doesn’t make my chest tighten.
“Am I what?” I ask, though I think I know the answer. She wants to know if I am ready to move on from our past.
“Are you ready to start over?”
It’s a valid question, and until she voiced it, I was certain I knew the answer. But it’s more complicated than that. “Maybe the list can be for both of us.”
Blair smiles, the brightness of it warming me. “I think that sounds perfect.” She grabs my hand, dragging me down the hall toward her bedroom. “I have pens and highlighters in here.”
“Highlighters?” Fuck, what did I get myself into? “Can’t we just write it in the notes app on my phone?”
Blair stops in her tracks and spins to glare at me. “I thought you knew me, Zane. Does that sound like something I would do?”
“No, but I was kind of hoping we’d take a little bit of you and add a little bit of me. I like to keep things simple.”
“Hmmm.” She purses her lips and I smile when it appears she’s actually considering my request, until… “Nope. We need highlighters.”
“You’re lucky I love you, Little B. Because—”
“What?” Her face pales, making me chuckle.
“It’s a figure of speech, Blair. You’ll know when I say it for real. Trust me.”
An hour later we’re still writing the damn list when Jenna comes home. “I’m back. I’m here. I’m in the house. Please acknowledge that you heard me so I know you’re going to keep the sex noises down. I don’t want to be tempted to join you.”
I raise an eyebrow, and Blair buries her face in her hands, groaning when Jenna calls out again.
“Hello.”
“Yes, we heard you, Jenna. Rest assured; we’re not having sex.”
“Finished or on the way?”
Blair’s face reddens and I hide my smile behind my hand.
“Neither,” she calls back, sitting tall. “You can open the door if you’d like. We’re both fully clothed and not even touching each other.”
I fake a pout because I’m annoyed at both those truths, and when Jenna walks in, she frowns in solidarity.
“I’m not sure if I’m more shocked or disappointed. How blue are those balls, Zane?”
“It’s not—” Blair begins to speak but Jenna cuts her off.
“I’m kidding. You two have a lot of shit to work through, and just because I use sex to solve my problems doesn’t mean others do. Nor should they. Especially you two. So…” She walks over and perches on the edge of the bed, smiling. “What are you doing, then?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Blair says, at the same time I admit…
“We’re writing a pros and cons list.”
“Oh, B is famous for that. I’ve heard stories.”
“You what?”
“Cade told me. He said you never do anything without weighing the pros and cons, which is why he’s so worried. He thinks you’ve gone rogue. He’ll be happy to know that’s not the case.”
“I don’t plan on telling him.”
Jenna laughs out loud. “Even better. I like your brother, but God, is he a little over-the-top sometimes. As long as you’re happy. What does it matter how you work things out?”
Blair frowns for a beat before it morphs into a grin. “Thanks, Jenna.”
“Anytime. But I’m not into lists so I’m going to have a bath. Let me know if you decide to get dinner. I want in.”
She doesn’t wait for either of us to respond, walking away, and Blair laughs when she’s gone.
“Where were we?” She holds up the list, running over what we’ve got. “Pros… We like each other, we’re good for each other, Cade knows this time, Blair’s more herself around Zane…” I tune out because I know the list, and while it’s great and color coded, it’s missing one vital point…
“I have never and will never want anyone else in this lifetime. The sooner we acknowledge that, the better.”
Blair’s gaze darts to mine and she gapes, a sheen of tears coating her eyes.
My expression softens. “Come on, you knew that.”
“To a degree, yes, but this feels more absolute.” She turns away and draws in a breath, swiftly wiping her eyes before facing me again.
“How so?”
“Because I’m about to add it to our list and these things are like law to me.” I chuckle lightly, and she finally smiles.
“Never felt that way with the fucker?”
“And there’s another con… Zane won’t shut up about Blair’s ex-boyfriend. His jealousy knows no bounds.”
“Jealousy?”
“Admit it.”
“It’s less jealousy and more blind rage. You know you can do better than that.” And he deserves to be miserable for all the shitty things he’s done.
“And you’re better?”
“Than him? Yes. Absolutely. I know you better than anyone, B. Probably better than Cade.”
“Con… we know each other too well.”
“That’s a con?” I balk.
“It can be. There’s a lot to be said about that initial love bubble when you’re getting to know each other.”
“You don’t think we could have a love bubble? You seemed pretty giddy at the prospect of getting to know my piercing.”
Blair’s cheeks heat again and I don’t bother hiding my triumphant grin.
“Fair point, but I’m leaving it on the list.”
“Agree to disagree then.”
“Deal.”
We run through a few more cons until Blair mentions our living arrangements, something I’m happy she brought up.
“Con… You live in San Francisco, and I live in LA.”
“You’re not staying here, are you?”
“I haven’t decided yet. But if I leave, I could go anywhere… Florida, New York. Hell, I could move to London.”
“By that logic, you could move to San Francisco. Right?”
Blair’s shoulders drop and she releases a sigh. “I honestly don’t know, I—”
“Come and stay with me for a week. See if you like it. I have to go back tomorrow night, but I want you to come with me.”
“What?” Her voice rises as she stiffens. “That’s crazy.” She blinks frantically, clearly worried.
And that’s the exact reason I want her to come, to prove to her that I’m not going anywhere.
“Why is it crazy?”
“Because we only just reconnected.”
“B, I’ve been obsessed with you for years, and most of those were spent apart. I don’t think my feelings are changing any time soon.”
“That’s not the point. We still haven’t finished the list. What if the cons win?”
“They won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Confidence.”
Blair stares at me with narrowed eyes, and it only makes me want her more. I’ve always loved the way she challenges me. Most girls I hook up with would bark like a dog if I asked them to. I know this because I may have tested the theory once or twice. I’m an asshole, I know.
“Is this your way of extending our time together, so that I have time to think, while you’re there if and when I’m ready to fuck you?”
I wince at her words but answer her easily. “B… I thought you knew me better than that. If it was just about the sex, I’d leave you here and fly back to meet you the second you wanted me. But I want you with me. All the time. Every damn second.”
“Zane—”
“In fact, to prove my point, I’m not going to touch you at all for the rest of today or tomorrow. You’re not even getting a kiss.”
Blair rolls her eyes, but she can’t hide the smile gracing her lips. “What are we going to do then?”
“I’m taking you out.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“How well do you know Los Angeles?”
“I know four places. The stadium, the national forest where I met you a few weeks back, Bo-Bo’s restaurant, and here. Oh, and my hotel.” I wink and her laughter fills the air.
“The hotel would be pointless if you’re not going to touch me. But I’ve heard great things about Bo-Bo’s.”
“I’m not going to lie—it’s like an orgasm for your mouth. You will not be disappointed.”
“Then it looks like you’re taking me to dinner.”
“And a hike, tomorrow?”
Blair hesitates, her pinched expression making my insides knot. Did I say the wrong thing? I’m about to suggest another idea when she smiles softly.
“A hike sounds good. There’s a couple of places I’ve been meaning to try out.”
“Perfect.” I smile back at her, still sensing she’s holding something back.
No matter how good things feel, we still have a lot to work through, and I’m ready to put in the effort.