CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN #2
She nods and I continue, my throat hoarse with each word grating me from the inside.
“S—” I pause, swallowing back my emotions as tears threaten to fall.
I can do this. For Blair. “Sierra deserved better than the life I gave her. You deserve better. But since you’re here, saying you’ll take me back, I’m going to do everything in my power to do right by you.
Even if neither of us like it. And if that means saying her name, so that you’ll share your burden…
I’ll say it. I said it. But please don’t make me say it again. ”
I smile as the first tear falls from my eye and Blair rushes forward, throwing herself into my arms.
After a moment of shock, I fold her into me, holding her tightly as more tears threaten to escape.
“I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through,” she whispers as she gets up and repositions herself beside me, her face downcast, her gaze locked on her hands as she plays with the hem of my tee.
“I’m sorry that after all this time, I’m still holding back.
I just don’t want you hurting anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. ”
I lift her face to mine and brush a curl behind her ear, staring into her eyes. “You don’t have to tell me. You don’t ever have to do anything when it comes to me. But I want to help. Let me share whatever it is you’re holding on to.”
“What if it breaks you?”
“Me?”
“Yes.” Her voice is so soft and delicate that my heart shatters without her having to say what it is.
“I’m here, B. If you want to say it, I’m here.”
There’s a moment of quiet between us and Blair glances away, fresh tears falling as she shakes her head, making me nervous. “I’m so sorry, Zane. So fucking sorry.”
“You have no reason—”
“I lied to Cade because it was better than him knowing the truth.” She pulls away from me, wrapping her arms around herself.
“What’s the truth?” I ask, despite the dread lurking in my chest.
“My first time was with Nathan.”
A sigh escapes me. Thank fuck. Nathan was my first thought. And while I hate the guy, I’d already resigned myself to the fact that they were fucking, though it’s good to know they stopped after we reconnected. “Cade’s overprotective, but I don’t think he would have questioned you for that—”
“I didn’t say when.”
When?
I stiffen beside her. “What does that mean?” The confusion of what she’s about to say has my voice rasping, but I need to know. Why would sleeping with Nathan cause her so much grief. Unless…
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Blair cuts into my thoughts, her panic-stricken expression devastating me.
“What happened?” A thought comes to mind and my stomach sinks. Did he hurt her? No. She wouldn’t have stayed with him if he did.
Blair shakes her head as though unable to say the words, and realization hits me. “Did you sleep with him while we were together?”
She shakes her head again but then nods, more tears flooding her eyes. “After our fight at that party, after the kiss, I left to go to Nathan’s. And I got drunk.”
Fuck. It was that night? A pain shoots through me, and I want to stop her. I want to do anything I can to make the pain go away, but I need to hear this.
“Nathan kept me company for the first hour, but someone broke his mom’s favorite vase and he had to take care of that.” Typical, always focused on himself. “He asked his friend to look after me, and we had another drink together while we were waiting for Nathan to come back.”
My muscles tense, as a memory washes over me. “How much did you drink there, B?”
“I didn’t think it was that much, but I’d already been drinking before I got there.”
Bile rises in my throat and my fists clench beside me, my thoughts going back to Nathan’s fucking parties and the rumors surrounding them. “Did Nathan hurt you?”
“No. Of course not.” Blair’s quick to reassure me, presumably noticing my glare.
Only it’s anything but reassuring. “But if I’d been sober, it never would have happened.
I don’t even remember how I got there. I was dancing with his friend, and then I was in bed with Nathan.
Someone walked in on us and it momentarily sobered me up.
But it was after we’d…ah…it was enough to make me bleed. ”
My stomach sinks as my entire body numbs.
“Fuck. Fuck.” I tug at my hair, my heart pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears.
“This is my fault,” I whisper. “I knew it. I knew.” The words feel heavy as they leave my lips, full of the weight I’ve been carrying by hiding that asshole’s past but never confronting him about it.
“I’m sorry. It—”
“This is not your fault.” I cut her off, pulling her into my arms as anger wells up inside of me. “You were drunk, Blair. Who was the friend? That gave you the drink? That fucker took—”
“I don’t remember who it was. But—”
“No fucking buts,” I yell, moving away from her, and immediately regret it when she flinches.
“I’m sorry.” I flex my hands, trying to stop myself from clenching while rage vibrates through my body.
“What I mean to say is that you were under the influence, and Nathan took advantage of you. Even if you think you might have consented.”
“You don’t know that. He—”
“You don’t know either.” With my teeth clenched, I do all that I can not to raise my voice, but it’s a struggle.
Blair’s not to blame for this. She doesn’t deserve any of my wrath, but someone does.
Cade and I suspected Nathan and his friends of drugging girls.
No, we knew it. Deep down, we did. And yet we never said a word.
But would he do that to Blair?
Blair sighs and her gaze shifts to just above my shoulder, refusing to meet my eye. “He’s self-centered but he’s not a bad guy, Zane. I wanted to be there with him that night. I just didn’t want to go that far.”
My shoulders drop and I fall back against the wall, running a hand though my hair. I did this to her. Like everything else. My silence broke her. And she has no idea.
“After that night, I pushed it from my mind and told everyone who asked that you were my first. I even tried to convince myself.” She smiles, but I can’t bring myself to smile back.
“I’m sorry for making you relive it again, but Blair, he hurt you. You were dru—drunk. You—”
“He’d been flirting with me from the moment I arrived, and I liked it, Zane. We were both drunk. It happens.”
“It doesn’t just happen, you—”
“I didn’t tell you this because I thought he hurt me; I told you because I thought I hurt you.”
“B, if he cared about you at all, he never—”
“That’s not what’s important here, Zane.”
“It’s pretty fucking important from where I’m standing.”
“Zane—”
“I don’t understand how you—”
“Zane, stop!” Blair’s voice rises and I freeze. Jesus. She’s breaking and I’m letting my anger take over.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” She stands up and takes a step farther away from me, her body shaking. “Do you want to know why I broke up with Nathan? Do you?” She points at my chest and I stiffen.
“Why?”
“Because he never listened. Now you’re doing the same thing. I haven’t spoken about this to anyone. Ever. And I’m telling you. So, sit the fuck down and listen to me.”
I blink a few times before dropping to the edge of the bed, shuffling closer to Blair. When our eyes lock, I almost smile, only I know better than that, and this isn’t the moment. But God, I love her. I never fucking stopped.
“You have my full attention,” I rasp and mean it. “You’ve always had it.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“Please go on.”
“What I was trying to say is that I will always regret what happened that night, all of it. But not for the reasons you’re thinking.
Nathan and I talked about what happened.
He apologized. I forgave him. But I never forgave myself.
That’s why I blame myself for the accident.
Because I slept with someone else, and I called you to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry I never told you that before. But mostly, I’m sorry it happened.
You should have been my first. And in my dreams, when I’m happy and the world’s a different place, you were.
But in reality, I messed up and I don’t know how I’ll ever get over it. ”