8. Lenora
8
LENORA
I ’m going to lose my virginity to Holden Ellinger.
He hasn’t agreed yet, but he hasn’t shot me down, either. It doesn’t seem like a leap to assume a man who doesn’t want to sleep with their business partner’s daughter would tell her that’s off the table. Not, in Holden’s case, hide out in his office with his noise-canceling headphones on for three straight days, avoiding eye contact with me whenever we’re forced to interact. As if not looking at me will erase the very fresh memory of him licking away the wetness from the panties I left in his lap.
The idea of sleeping with Holden makes me feel something not bad for the first time in months. Strangely, it feels safe. This is a man who has been clear about his desires for the entire time I’ve known him—nearly all my life.
Sex? Yes.
Love? No.
It’s simple and clear, and I’m too wrapped up in my own shit to navigate a relationship more complicated than that. Besides, men Holden’s age who want twenty-two-year-old girlfriends don’t pick ones with mutilated legs and sour attitudes. Look at my own father, hopelessly besotted with the intelligent, funny, stunning Sophie. Or my future brother-in-law, who is wrapped around the finger of my beautiful, golden-hearted sister. Neither of them is limping around with a cane and a scowl.
So, if Holden can overlook damaged goods for a few secret fucks, then great. I don’t have to worry whether he does or doesn’t want more than that because I know he doesn’t.
I’m ready, I want this, and now, Holden Ellinger needs to hurry the fuck up.
“So, I’m taking your silence as a no?” I ask on Friday, slipping into his office when the rest of the team is at lunch. I pretended to leave, too, hiding out in the women’s restroom for a few minutes, only to double back and corner my boss in his office.
Holden is frozen, staring at me with a sandwich halfway to his mouth, eyes comically round. “Excuse me?”
It’s a challenge to stop myself from laughing. “I just wanted to tell you to forget I said anything. I’ve obviously made you uncomfortable, and I feel really shitty about it. Can we put the whole thing behind us and pretend it never happened?”
His hands slowly lower the portion of the sub back to the wrapper on his desk. “You haven’t—I mean.” He clears his throat. “You want to forget it?”
I nod, pushing my hands into the pockets of my blazer. “Yup. I’m so sorry I put you in that position. No more panties in your lap, I promise.” And, with only a quick, apologetic smile, I turn, hurrying off after my coworkers.
Holden doesn’t emerge from his office for the rest of the day, hiding behind the computer monitor, which was moved to stand directly in line with my desk. Very mysterious stuff. I don’t even get a clear view of the man until I stand to leave for the day, packing up my things as the rest of Team E talks cheerfully around me.
“A bunch of us are getting drinks at The Blue Pub,” calls Killian, one of the junior architects, grinning over at me from his desk. We’ve made small talk a few times, but as I quickly deduced, he has the personality equivalent to a container of unseasoned breadcrumbs. I never went out of my way to repeat the experience. “You should come.”
“Okay,” I reply, ensuring my voice carries clearly through the open office door of the man who employs us. “I’m just going to run home to change.”
Killian’s smile widens. “Leave your wallet there. My treat. We have to celebrate your first official night out with Team E, right?”
This, quite literally, couldn’t have gone better. Wow . Apparently the universe has stopped shitting on me, because this feels like a turning point. Mark my internal monologue, it’s all uphill from here.
I’m practically gleeful as I pack up and leave for the weekend, and though I can feel Holden’s eyes burning into my back, I’m careful not to look around. There is absolutely no way I’m going to The Blue Pub tonight, but Killian’s offer was too good a baiting opportunity to pass up. Am I a jerk for blowing him off? Probably. Will I care if this ends in me fucking Holden Ellinger? No way.
It’s possible he knows exactly what I’m doing. The whole reverse psychology play is fairly transparent, but there’s no way for him to know for sure what my intentions are. For all he knows, maybe I really do just want to get laid, and if his dick isn’t available, I’ll move on to the next one.
In reality, I’m just a little too invested to shake off his rejection so easily. If this doesn’t work… Well. I highly doubt I’ll have to cross that bridge, but there are definitely alternate plans I can employ should the need arise. I am nowhere near ready to call it quits. Years of dedication to dance have made me nothing if not resilient, and I hadn’t realized what a void not having a goal has left in my life.
Granted, convincing my father’s business partner to take my virginity isn’t exactly the same thing as becoming a principal dancer in an elite ballet company, but it’s a challenge with the potential for a very satisfying payoff.
I barely need my cane at all as I make my way down the familiar streets between home and E&V, indecently pleased with myself for how the afternoon had gone. When I get back to the apartment, neither Sophie nor Honor is there, and I fire off a group text to confirm there won’t be any unexpected visitors when Holden shows up.
Will you guys be around this weekend?
My sister responds first, and I read the text as I pull off my work clothes, replacing them with my usual home attire.
Honor: No! I’m sorry. Julian and I are in CA for the next few days.
Sophie: Me either. Bram found out I’ve never had lobster rolls, so we’re going to Maine for the weekend.
Honor: I’m sorry we haven’t been around much. Are you guys up for family dinner on Friday? We can host!
Sophie: Just mentioned it to your dad. We’re in!
I’ll be there
Honor: Anything fun going on this weekend, Len?
We’ll see.
Sophie: Very mysterious. I like it. Keep us guessing!
Rolling my eyes, I step back out into the living room, scanning the space with a more discerning eye than I usually employ. Sophie and Honor put some effort into decorating when they moved in here, but it’s very broke, new college grad chic.
It shouldn’t matter what Holden thinks of the space. After all, he might not even take the bait and show up here. Even so, I find myself gathering up the raccoon-printed throw pillows—obviously purchased by Sophie—and shoving them into the coat closet with the pom-pom lamp and a set of neon pink candlesticks.
When that’s done, I pause in the middle of the room, nibbling on my bottom lip.
He is going to show up, right?
If he doesn’t, should I try again, or get over my newfound thing for my father’s business partner and find somebody appropriate to have sex with. The whole losing my virginity thing hadn’t felt so pressing before. It’s not like I don’t get horny, but the little rose shaped vibrator I got at a store in the East Village was all I needed to get over it.
Sex with men came with expectations, complications, and, worst of all, feelings. I didn’t care enough for all that, so I didn’t bother. Until now, when the possibility of Holden Ellinger not wanting me is like a punch to the gut.
Maybe the fact that I want it this badly should be a red flag, but I don’t have time to examine my feelings too closely. Just as I’ve started for the couch, a knock on the door makes my heart stall.
Oh, holy shit.
He came. That’s… It has to be him, right? I limp across the room as quietly as I can to peek through the little spy hole, and yeah, it’s him.
Holden Ellinger is standing outside my apartment door, his hands in his pockets and his expression wooden. I watch him reach up to rake a hand through his hair, glancing back and forth down the hall before reaching out to knock again.
My hand finds the cold metal of the doorknob, and barely able to breathe through the rush of excitement and anticipation, I open it.
“Hi, Holden. Super surprising to see you here.” I lean my hip against the doorjamb, gazing up at him.
His throat works. “Can I come in?”
Wordlessly, I step aside, allowing him into the apartment. Honor’s wedding dress is still hanging on the hook in the living room, and his eyes linger on the white garment bag as I close the door behind him. “Can I get you something to drink? We have water. Or water. Also, water.”
The muscles beneath my belly button flutter as he stops in the kitchen, looking back at me. “I’m fine. You’re not going out?” He eyes my tank top and sleep shorts.
“Nah. I was just curious if you’d try to stop me.” Silence stretches between us as Holden stares at me, his jaw tight. Emboldened, I step closer. “Is that why you came? Because you don’t want anyone else popping my cherry?”
A low curse greets my words, and he glances at the empty living room, as if expecting Sophie or Honor to wander out of their rooms and question why he’s here. “I don’t know why I came, to be honest.”
I feel my face split in a huge smile, and I laugh. “Yes. You do.” Every inch of my skin seems to be tingling with heat, hyperaware of the man standing only a few feet away from me. Even after the measures I took to get him here, now that he is, I’m a lot more nervous than I’ll allow myself to reveal.
More silence, and I feel my nipples tighten as Holden’s gaze rakes, once more, over my body. “I really shouldn’t.”
My smile widens. “Since when are you so responsible, Mr. Ellinger? You didn’t have a problem with it on New Year’s. I promise not to get attached, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“That isn’t what I’m worried about.” Holden’s voice is like gravel, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look so serious as he steps toward me. My sharp intake of breath sounds in the quiet apartment as the tall man before me lifts his hand to guide my chin up, forcing me to meet his eyes. “What do you want, princess?”
The return of that ridiculous nickname makes me smile again. “I thought you were the experienced one here. Do I need to explain the mechanics of sex?”
“Don’t be smart with me.” His fingers tighten on my chin as his bright eyes bore down into mine, searching for signs of reservation. “Is this a one-time thing? An arrangement? I’m not fucking you unless we’re clear on that.”
My heart is hammering against my ribcage as I reach out, settling my hands on his warm, hard shoulders, and it leaps into my throat when Holden lets out a low hiss, his pupils dilating at my touch. “It’s hard to say,” I reply, keeping my tone musing and light, determined not to let him see how his words and the feeling of a few fingers on my face have reduced me to goo. If he wants to have an effect on me, he’s going to have to do better than this. “I don’t know if I’ll like it or not.”
The vibration of Holden’s low, answering laugh passes through my hands, and I can’t stop myself from sucking in a little gasp as he steps toward me, crowding me into the wall. He’s so much bigger than me, and it’s never been more apparent until this moment, as Holden lowers his lips to my neck, his warm breath ghosting over my skin as he murmurs in my ear. “You’ll like it, princess. Now tell me what you want so I can prove it.”
Okay. I might be in over my head here. Not a lot of women lose their virginity to a literal sex god, and all indications point to Holden being just that.
My breasts seem to grow tight as I blow out a long breath. “I want you to teach me.”
Holden stills, and against my stomach, I feel the unmistakable, long, hard line of his erection. He makes no effort to hide it as he asks, “Teach you?”
Letting out a shaky little laugh that does nothing to disguise my nerves, I nod, my eyelids fluttering. “Unless that’s not something you’re interested in. Though, the fact you’re here at all suggests you’re… open to it.”
Lifting his head, I find myself gazing into his brilliant eyes again, this time so much closer than before. His lips are inches from mine, and it feels as though every muscle on my body has mutually decided to give it up and succumb to the effect he has on me, melting. “I have one condition.” I hear myself gasp as he leans forward, brushing the ghost of a kiss over my mouth. “Stop hiding, Leni. If you want my cock, you’ll show me everything. I want to see when it feels good and when it hurts. I want to see when you’re nervous and when you’re excited. No pretending. When we’re together like this, I want one hundred percent honesty from you, and you’ll get it from me. Are we clear?”
His words aren’t what I expected. I thought he would say not to tell anyone, or that it’s over after today, or warn me he’s never going to fall in love with his business partner’s twenty-two-year-old daughter. Never in a million years did I expect his one condition to feel like a knife directly in my chest. What he’s asking from me is so much scarier than taking off my clothes and spreading my legs. It’s a level of vulnerability I’ve never given anyone. Ever. Yet, even with the fear it brings, I find myself nodding.
“Okay.”
No one has ever kissed me the way Holden does now.
With a groan of relief, he covers my mouth with his, devouring my gasp of surprise. In seconds, I’ve recovered from the shock, coming back to life to meet his intensity with my own. Dimly, in the back of my mind, I imagine what we look like right now: me, smaller, younger, more inexperienced, backed against the wall in my sister’s apartment, held there by this man who has no business touching me but can’t help himself. It’s intoxicating, knowing my effect on him is as strong as his on me and that we’re caught in this together.
He grunts, pulling back for long enough to rasp a single word. “Bedroom?”
“Bedroom,” I confirm with a nervous laugh, aware of how drenched my panties have become in the time since he entered the apartment. Holden draws back, his hair rumpled and his eyes wild, and I take his hand, pulling him toward Sophie’s bedroom, which I’ve been using as my own. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly, it’s just the two of us in this quiet, small room, a bed just behind me, and nothing to stop us from giving in to what we both want.
This is happening.
I can barely breathe as Holden moves closer to me, his hands settling on my waist. They’re so big, they nearly encircle me, and even with an entire career of endeavoring to be perfect, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this perfect. “Can I take this off?”
Something deep inside me warms at the way he’s checking I want this, even after how far we’ve already come. I nod, and my pulse is thundering in my ears as Holden hooks his thumbs beneath the waistband of my shorts, pushing the garment down. They fall around my ankles, and he groans when he sees that beneath, I’m wearing nothing apart from a white thong, the same kind he saw a few days ago when he bent me over his lap and spanked me for teasing him. My arousal has molded the material to my body, and I hear myself whimper as he draws two fingers along the waistband.
Despite the frantic making out a minute ago, Holden doesn’t seem in any rush as he turns his attention to my breasts, tugging the neckline of my tank top down to free them, and I’m struck by the first true insecurity since this began.
“What are you feeling right now?” rumbles Holden, brushing his thumbs over my already hard nipples, sending electricity directly to my clit.
I open my mouth, intending to lie, but a sharp look from the man before me has me closing it just as quickly. He wanted me to be honest when we’re like this, and yet the words seem to be caught in my throat. “I. Um .” I swallow, my cheeks burning. “I’m worried you won’t like them.”
“Your breasts?” he clarifies calmly, his gaze turning down to watch himself touch them.
I nod, torn between feeling self-conscious and turned on by the way he’s looking at my body. “They’re small,” I say with a quiet, nervous laugh. “Honor used to tease me I was president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee .”
Holden snorts, but I don’t think he’s laughing at the joke. “Take my cock out.” Glancing up, I find his eyes already on me, an eyebrow lifted and a smirk curving his full lips. “Go on, princess.”
Some of my tension bleeds away, and I’m practically panting as my hands move to his belt, guiding the expensive leather open. Beneath, Holden’s erection is straining against the material of his dress pants, and I bite my lip, holding back a whimper as I pull down the zip.
Oh my god.
My previous worries that I was in over my head were one hundred percent justified. What is it about my dumb brain that makes me pick the path of most resistance in every part of my life? Why would I go to college like a normal person when I could try to succeed in an incredibly physically demanding, competitive field with no retirement plans? Why would my first time be with a sweet, considerate guy my age when, instead, I could give it up to my father’s big-dicked business partner?
Even through the material of his briefs, I can tell he’s longer than average, and thick too, with a dark, wet spot above where his tip has been leaking precum. “Does this look like I have a problem with your little tits?” I shake my head, my chest burning, and Holden grunts in approval. “Do I need to come all over them to prove it?”
I let out a shaky little giggle. “I’ll take your word for it. Can we do it anyway, though?”
“Oh, princess. We’re going to do everything.”