29. Chapter 29
Chapter 29
Tessa
W hen our plates were clear, Finn stood to gather the dishes. I pushed my chair back to help, but he assured me he had it taken care of before telling me to make myself comfortable by the firepit while he dropped the dishes off in the kitchen.
I walked over to the outdoor couch, resting my back against the sofa arm and stretching my legs along the cushions. The heat from the bonfire soaked into my skin, warding off the evening chill that descended.
Finn returned carrying two mugs of hot cider. White fog rose above the surface of the liquid when I took my drink from him. Sitting on the chaise end of the couch, his long legs stretched along the cushions while he drank from his mug.
“I’ve never seen you drink alcohol,” I blurted, embarrassment filling every cell in my body upon realizing I spoke my inner thought aloud.
Finn looked at me, his expression solemn when he shook his head. “I don’t drink anymore.”
So many questions raced through my mind. Did he have a problem with alcohol? What drove him to the bottle? How long had he been sober? He said he didn’t drink anymore, so why did he stop?
The questions must have been written across my face because he heaved in a deep breath before turning his stare toward the land around us.
“After I got out of the military, I was…well, I was pretty messed up.” He paused, his thumb rubbing across his lower lip while he fell back in time. “Things happened on my last mission, and not everyone came home,” he confessed, the sorrow and devastation in his voice slicing something deep inside me.
The desire to comfort him overwhelmed me. Setting my cider on the end table, I scooted closer. Wrapping one of his large hands in both of my own, I listened as he shared another piece of himself with me.
“To say my drinking when I returned to Absolution was a bit excessive would be putting it mildly.” He shook his head. “I never want to be that man again, so I decided a good way to make sure it didn’t happen was to stop drinking altogether.”
His voice took on a monotone quality. “No one can prepare you for what it’s like to take another person’s life, Tessa. To know you alone are the sole reason someone is no longer alive, no longer able to go home to their family, no longer allowed to have a future.”
Suddenly he turned toward me. “Do you believe in the afterlife?”
Shocked by the turn in conversation, our dinner turned to lead in my stomach.
After my parents died, people tried to comfort me with the usual platitudes. Their comments often vacillated between saying they were in a better place or that they were watching over me.
How many nights did I lay awake in an unfamiliar bed wondering if it was true? Hundreds? Thousands? And if it was true, why was I left behind to fend for myself in a world that preyed on the weak and vulnerable?
My breath became choppy, and my voice shook when I finally answered. “I don’t know, Finn. While I would like to think my parents still exist somewhere, and are watching over me, I honestly don’t know.”
His eyelids fell to half-mast as he turned his head to stare at the fire.
“I don’t know what happens when we die, or if there’s someone pulling the strings from above, but I do believe all living beings have souls. And when we choose to take one of those souls, they take a piece of ours with them. I…” he broke off.
The fire hissed and crackled while I watched Finn share the shattered pieces of himself.
“I know exactly how many lives I’ve taken. I remember every single one of them. And it’s why I know when I take my last breath, my soul will have to pay for the decisions I made.” Tears coursed down my face at his confession, the sorrow and loathing he carried with him evident with each word.
Finn’s legs swung to the side of the chaise before he leaned forward, setting his cider on the end table and pulling his hand from mine. He rested his elbows on his knees while aggressively rubbing his hands against his face.
“I’m not a good man, Tessa,” he croaked. “ Fuck , I’m no better than your ex,” he said, his voice strangled as if the thought just occurred to him.
Oh hell no. His belief that he was similar to Daniel in any capacity was not only laughable but wholly inaccurate. Needing to correct him, I placed one hand on each shoulder and pushed him backward. He went without a fight. I swung my leg over, straddling him before I settled in his lap. Cradling his face with firm hands, I forced him to look at me.
The lifeless look in his eyes momentarily robbed me of words. His eyes shone with unshed tears as he tried to pull his face from my grasp. Refusing to let him go, I tightened my grip. “You are nothing like him,” I declared, the vehemence in my tone shocking to even myself.
Finn started to shake his head, but I held my ground, stubbornly refusing to let this incredible man think he was undeserving of all the best things life had to offer for another second.
“You make me feel safe .” My voice cracked when I forced the last word past my lips. “You make me feel seen and cherished . Do you have any idea how often I have felt like that since my parents died?”
Finn’s mouth remained closed. That was fine. I had enough to say for the both of us. “Cause I sure as hell do. I can count on one hand the number of times I felt that way before I met you, and every single one of them ended up being a lie,” I admitted, recalling the way Daniel manipulated me into believing he was someone he wasn’t. “But ask me to count how many times I felt that way since I crashed my car in the middle of a freaking blizzard, and I wouldn’t be able to count that high. You know why?” I demanded, not giving him a chance to answer. “It’s because from the moment I woke up on your couch, that’s how you make me feel every single second of every day. Even when you were being an asshole and trying to push me away, I felt safe .”
He swallowed hard, but I was far from done. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to finally feel safe after living in a perpetual state of fear for years? Years, Finn ,” I stressed. Finn’s hand pressed against my cheek, his thumb silently wiping away the tears continuing to fall.
“Being with you felt like breaking through the surface after being held underwater for too long. That first gasp of air brought me back to life and showed me how much my life lacked,” I confessed. “So you want to think you’re no better than a narcissistic sociopath who thinks it’s okay to abuse people weaker than him? Well, too fucking bad.”
Finn’s eyes snapped to mine when the curse word fell from my lips. “What you did, Finn, you did to protect people.”
He finally opened his mouth to respond, but I beat him to it. “Did you enjoy it?”
His head jerked back at the question. “ Did I enjoy it ?” he asked, his revulsion at the thought evident.
I nodded. “Yes, did you enjoy taking those lives? Did it make you feel strong and powerful when you took something from them and knew they were powerless to stop you?”
Finn’s nose wrinkled and attempted to recoil backward. Refusing to let go of him, I held on and leaned forward. “ God no ,” he replied roughly.
I nodded because I knew that would be his answer. “Exactly, Finn. You didn’t go looking for people to kill because you enjoyed it. You didn’t kill them because it made you feel better about yourself. You did it because it was a means to an end to protect everyone back home.”
Ensuring his gaze was locked on mine, I summoned the courage to confess a piece of my past. “My ex, the man you are so convinced you’re the same as, he enjoyed hurting me. It made him feel big and powerful because he knew there was nothing I could do to stop him.”
Fire flashed behind his eyes while I talked about Daniel, some of the tension I was holding in my shoulders easing as the dead look in his eyes vanished. This was the man I came to know and care for. This was the fierce warrior, the guardian, the protector who saved me in more ways than I could count.
“So don’t you dare compare yourself to the assholes of the world who think it’s okay to pick on those weaker than them. Because you are not now, nor have you ever been, anything like them.”
The second I finished the words, Finn pounced. His lips devoured me. I whimpered while the man I was falling in love with took command of my mouth, body, and soul. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I slipped my hands into his hair, tugging on the strands between my fingers and held him close.
Before my brain registered we moved, Finn flipped us with ease, settling himself between my legs. His lips pressed hungry kisses against my skin before his teeth nipped the crease between my neck and shoulder.
A full-body shiver shuddered down my spine as my body came to life beneath his skilled ministrations. Finn ground his erection against my core, thrusting against me and causing a moan to break free from the depths of my soul.
Finn’s mouth continued south, the rough callouses of his hands causing goosebumps to spread across my skin when he slipped them beneath the hem of my shirt and shifted the fabric upward. His hands halted when he reached my ribcage, his mouth lifting from my skin while he silently asked permission.
I nodded frantically. Needing to be as close to him as possible, I leaned forward, and he pulled my shirt over my head.
His stare locked on my breasts, and I made a mental note to thank Reagan for the lace bra she strong-armed me into purchasing. My lungs heaved, my chest rising and falling in the firelight. Wetness pooled between my legs at the look of hunger on Finn’s face when he stared at my cleavage. His mouth descended on the exposed skin, his lips, tongue, and teeth teasing the sensitive flesh.
I cried out while Finn continued to thrust against my center. His skilled fingers latched onto one lacy cup, pulling it down before his lips closed around my nipple. My hips bucked against him at the contact, my clit throbbing as my empty core spasmed. Finn moved to the front clasp, releasing my breasts with a flick of his wrist.
My nipples pebbled in the cool mountain air. He pushed the fabric to the side, and his mouth descended on my other breast. His tongue laved its way around one ample mound while he groped and lightly pinched the other nipple.
I ground my hips against the bulge between my thighs, desperate for enough friction to ease the ache.
Finn pulled back, his own chest heaving and ripped his shirt over his head. His eyes glazed when they moved from my breasts downward. I brought my arms down to cover the rolls of my belly, self-consciousness creeping back in.
“Don’t.” Finn’s voice was harsh and demanding as the command ripped from his throat. “Don’t you dare hide yourself from me.”
He lowered his body against mine, my nipples scraping against the smattering of hair on his chest when he pressed our bodies together.
I began to gnaw on my lip, my pulse racing with an odd mixture of desire and self-doubt. Finn’s eyes traced the planes of my face. “You are the single most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Mo Chridhe . You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
Tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I was bullied for being bigger than other girls as far back as I could remember. After years of not being accepted, I questioned whether anyone would ever be attracted to me, but this man made me feel like a goddess.
Refusing to ruin the moment with my emotions, I crushed my mouth against his. My eagerness seemed to break something inside him. A deep groan reverberated through Finn’s chest, the vibrations escaping him when his tongue plunged inside. He devoured me like a man possessed, kissing, nipping, and licking my lips until I was a writhing mess beneath him.
Gasping for air, I momentarily pulled back and dropped my hands to the zipper of his jeans. My fingers grasped the metal tab, but Finn shook his head. I opened my mouth to protest, but he spoke before I had the chance.
“Not tonight, Tessa.”
Refusing to let me pout at being denied, he kissed me on the lips once more before pressing open mouthed kisses down my body. His lips traveled from my breasts down to my stomach, worshipping the parts of my body I spent so many years ashamed of.
He slid further down the chaise until his knees rested on the ground. His hands moved to the front of my jeans, his stare once against focused on mine while he asked permission. God, this man.
“Yes, Finn,” I managed to choke out, the lust inside forcing me to beg. “ Please. ”
He smirked at the desperation in my voice before undoing my pants. His strong hands gripped the denim and panties beneath when his expression sobered. Searching for any signs of distress, he pulled the fabric down my legs. He could search all he wanted. God himself couldn’t change my mind at this point.
After dropping the clothing on the ground, he pressed soft kisses against the side of my ankle and gradually made his way back up my leg. His lips caressed every inch of skin. Despite the cool night air, every nerve ending in my body sizzled like they were on fire.
Finn reached my core, his palms pressing against my thighs to spread my legs. As they widened, every muscle in my body locked. Feeling the sudden tension, Finn froze, his eyes raising up to meet mine.
Mortification washed through me. Despite how badly I wanted to experience this with him, the anxiety about letting him go down on me was paralyzing. Unable to face him in this moment, I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Tessa,” he murmured. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I shook my head, unable to verbalize my thoughts. His hand stroked my thigh while he gave me a moment to work through whatever I needed.
Come on, you can do this. You want to do this.
After several long moments, I felt the loss of his body heat when Finn pulled away from me. My eyes flew open as he reached for the blanket on the back of the couch.
“Don’t stop,” I pleaded.
Soft eyes met mine, the understanding in his expression nearly unraveling me. The anger and loathing I was conditioned to expect were nowhere to be found.
“Tessa,” he murmured. “You remember what I told you on our first date?”
My mind raced, and I tried to recall what he was referring to. Landing on his declaration that we would only do things if I wanted to, I fumbled trying to get the words out fast enough. “I want to do this, Finn.”
His expression turned skeptical. Rushing to alleviate his concern, I prayed he could see the sincerity behind my words. “I promise, Finn. I want this. I want… you …in this way.” My cheeks heated at my admission. “I just…” I drifted off, the humiliation of what I was about to confess almost swallowing me whole. Closing my eyes, I released the words in a single breath. “No one’s ever done that to me before.”
The sounds of crickets and the pounding of my own heart were deafening while Finn remained silent. After several long moments, I gathered the courage to open my eyes.
He still knelt at the foot of the chaise, the anger in his eyes unmistakable. I fought the urge to shrink in on myself, knowing even if he was angry about something, I was safe in his presence.
Shaking himself from whatever thoughts invaded his head, Finn’s tongue swept across his bottom lip. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded like he had swallowed gravel.
“You’re telling me… I would be the first man to ever taste this pussy?”
His filthy words sent shocks of heat ripping through my veins, the space between my legs clenching painfully. He rested his hand on my calf, slowly trailing it up my leg. A tingling sensation broke out across my skin when his other hand mirrored the action. He leaned his torso between my legs while his gaze held mine. “You’re telling me I would me the first man to suck on your pretty little clit? The first to spear my tongue inside your cunt, and lap up your orgasm as you rode my face?”
By the time he finished speaking, I was panting so hard all I could do was nod. My muscles relaxed, the tension evaporating from my body when his lips hovered slightly above my mound. My hips bucked of their own volition, desperate for contact. Finn pulled his mouth away and surveyed my face.
“Be sure, Tessa,” he demanded. “Be very sure you want this. Because once I have you like this, there will be no going back. Once I taste the sweet honey between your thighs and feel you come on my tongue, you will own me, body and soul. So, I’m asking you once more, Tessa. Are. You. Sure?”
God, the things that came out of this man’s mouth. I should be terrified of belonging to anyone the way he talked about, but the idea of it fueled my soul. I didn’t need to think before speaking. “Please, Finn,” I begged. “I’m yours.”
Finn eyes turned feral at my declaration, his expression resembling a starving man presented with a feast. His hands pressed on my thighs again, and this time, my legs fell to the side. Fighting the urge to squeeze them together and ease the ache, my pussy spasmed when Finn stared at it.
Finn groaned, dipping down and running his mouth up my slit. The feel of his tongue on my swollen flesh caused me to cry out, his dark chuckle ringing through the air in response.
“ Mo Chridhe , you haven’t felt anything yet,” he said right before he buried his face between my legs.
Finn proceeded to consume my pussy like it was his only source of oxygen. He lapped at my clit, alternating between circling it and small little taps of his tongue, causing noises I’d never made before to fall from my lips.
His left arm wrapped beneath my thigh, banding across the top of my leg while he used his thumb and forefinger to hold me open. His mouth continued to feast on my clit, his right hand sliding up and down the slick folds below.
Finally giving me what I needed, he pressed one finger to my opening and eased inside me. I clenched around him when he withdrew, never wanting him to leave my body.
“Such a greedy girl,” he growled. I nodded because yes, when it came to this man, I wanted everything.
He stroked his finger inside me as he pulled out, making a come-hither motion against the spot I didn’t know existed until our time at the lake. Just like the first time, lightning lit up my body.
Sliding two fingers inside me this time, he pressed the pad of his fingers against the spot. He kept me guessing, alternating his pattern between massaging my front wall and gently pressing on it while his mouth continued to work my swollen bundle of nerves.
My orgasm caught fire as he worked me over, my hands scraping at the cushions beneath me in an attempt to ground myself. Tiny flashes of light ignited behind my eyelids, and I cried out his name to the night sky.
Finn continued to stroke me, prolonging my orgasm and drawing out every drop of pleasure possible. Soon, the sensation became too much and the hypersensitivity from my climax descended. I opened my mouth to tell him at the same time he withdrew his fingers from my heat, once again knowing what I needed without me having to say a word.
I melted into the cushions below, one long final lick of his tongue up my slit causing my hips to lift. When I eventually pried my eyes open to look down at Finn, I was rendered speechless when he put the fingers covered in my arousal inside his mouth.
My jaw dropped, and I watched in complete rapture while he proceeded to lick every drop of my climax from his skin. A low rumble hummed from his chest as he finished before lifting his body onto the chaise and settling himself beside me. I relaxed against his chest, sighing in contentment when his arms wrapped around me. I vaguely registered the sensation of soft fleece being dragged over my bare skin before I allowed myself to drift off in the safety of Finn’s arms.