Chapter 13- when the Music Drowns You Instead
Zarya's pov
Last night was fun, hindi ko inexpect na sobrang low pala ng alcohol tolerance ni Xylla.
Imagine, just after a few shots tulog na s'ya. Iniwan ko na nga muna doon after ko gisingin kanina, looks like she needs some extra rest from last night.
I'm at my parents house, I had to visit mom and dad. Kagabi pa kasi pala sila tumatawag, and I didn't answer any of their calls. For sure it's about business na naman.
"So, why are we all here?" I started the conversation after the foods has been served.
"You have to study engineering, just some basics for now." What's with them this time?? maka utos akala nila madali lang.
"why do I have to?" they made me study Medicine abroad, and now ito?
"You will be handling the company, and you can't do it without studying the field of engineering." His tone was sharp. Na para bang wala na akong magagawa pa.
"how about the de luca? the hospital? how am I going to manage?"
"I'll handle it for the mean time."
Huh? he's been out of the country for almost every week. Paano n'ya makakaya ihandle lahat??
"dad—"
"It's okay if you're not yet ready, but it's an advantage if you already have the knowledge." he stopped right there, parang kinakabahan ako sa susunod na sasabihin n'ya ah.
"what do you mean by that?"
"Ryan will help you with your study, he already agreed and he's really willing to do it." sabi na e.
Ryan??? why him?
"why does it have to be Ryan?, bakit hindi na lang ikaw??" He's also an engineer, bakit si Ryan pa?
"Zarya. Just obey my will." He commanded, now he's getting serious.
"Okay then. As if I have something to do about your decisions." I ended my words there. Totoo naman eh, ano pa magagawa ko?
"Zarya..." I heard my mom called my name when I left the table.
I acted as if I didn't heard her. Ganon naman s'ya lagi e, tamang comfort na lang sa mga anak n'ya kapag si dad na ang nagsalita.
"what are you doing here?"
I just woke up, and was about to grab breakfast, and the first thing I saw downstairs is the face of this butthole.
It's Ryan. He's sitting in my couch, pinapasok s'ya ni Kuya Jun.
"Your dad asked me to tutor you, and I—"
"I don't need your presence, Ryan."
What made him think na kailangan ko s'ya??
Tumayo s'ya at inayos ang white polo nya. I think kanina pa s'ya nag hihintay, gusot na kasi ang damit n'ya.
Oh ano naman ang pake ko?
"I'll leave then." He said before leaving my house.
No extra glances, no smile, no anything. He just left
thank you naman at hindi na s'ya nag matigas pa.
I watched him walk out my door, satisfied.
"Doc, good mor.....ning" kuya Jun greeted me, nagulat pa s'ya ng nagkasalubong sila ni Ryan.
"Good morning po, we'll be leaving in an hour. Papahatid po ako sa'yo." I informed him before going upstairs. Hindi kasi ako mag d-drive ngayon, dahil mag b-bar night kami nila xy.
I don't usually wait for him to respond dahil gets n'ya naman na 'yon.
"Doc, good morning." the nurses greeted me as I was about to enter my office.
One thing I love about these employees is they don't just see me as the owner of this hospital. They treat me really well na parang magkatrabaho parin kami. And I love it, it makes me comfortable.
Actually, I'm 1 hour late sa usual routine ko. But it's okay, nakapag breakfast naman ako sa bahay.
I started my day with a piles of papers, hindi naman na ako nagulat dahil dalawang linggo akong wala.
"Zarya, can I come in?" it was Ryan.
Okay, sirang sira na talaga ang araw ko.
"what do you need?" it's early in the morning, usually pumupunta s'ya dito afternoon na.
"I just—"
"Let's talk outside." Ayaw ko talagang may makakita saamin na nag uusap privately, I want to avoid issues as much as possible.
"There's no need, I just... I just want to apologize for my behavior earlier." He said with a calm voice. Does he mean his attitude towards me when I rejected his offer kaninang umaga??
"what?" I asked, confused.
"that was rude of me for—"
"Ryan, I don't care about you. Okay?" What made him think na ma bo-bother ako?
"I know, but I feel guilty about it."
"Okay....is that all?"
"yeah...uhm. I'll leave now." he said, and left the office.
He's acting so weird.
Hindi ko nalang inisip, ano naman ang pake ko sa kanya?
"Zar, breakfast?" someone barged in my office, and sino ba ang may lakas ng loob pumasok sa office ko ng walang permission? Of course it's Xylla.
I just smiled. Tumayo ako at lumabas ng office.
"Café tayo" I'll just have coffee kasi since nakapag breakfast na ako sa bahay.
"Sure, libre mo." She said smirking. Ako pa ang naging taya.
As we enter the elevator, her face changed. Na para bang may gusto s'yang itanong, but too hesitant to speak.
"What is it?" I initiated the conversation, she seems so bothered kasi.
She looked at me, confused. Or pretending to be confuse?
"What?"
"what's with that face?" I asked her, hindi ako sanay na ganito s'ya ha.
"Nothing, just tired." oh.
I just nodded, wala naman akong magagawa kung ayaw n'ya magsalita sakin e.
"anyway, I saw Ryan came out of your office." finally. Is that what's bothering her?
"it was just a short conversation, he came to say sorry." I explained.
"sorry for what?" So she wanna hear the details, hm?
"why so invested?"
"just curious."
"are you going to report this to her?" I looked at her, and the way her face changed made me chuckle.
"What are you talking about." She immediately looked away.
"he came to my house this morning, he said he's been mean. So he apologized. Mind you, it was him who insisted that we was being mean, not me. So if you're going to report this to Iris, make sure I don't look bad. Okay?"
"Zar."
"what?" Why does she looks so intimidated, I'm just saying.
"So, where do you guys want to hang out? It's on me this time." Wow, for the first time in forever. Nag initiate si Kiro na manglibre, wow talaga.
"Wowww!" Aisle reacted.
"Kiro, is that really you???!" Inasar pa lalo ni Mica.
" oh, sige wag na lang pala." He rolled his eyes.
"No, touch move na." I added, wala na e. nasabi na n'ya.
" Folks Bar na lang ulit tayo" Kiro suggested.
"na naman?" reklamo ni Mica.
"yea. folks again? don't you guys want to explore other bars?" Not that I don't love it, but if nandoon ako. I might escape again, and I don't want to do it. Gusto ko mag enjoy, ng wala akong tinatakbuhan.
If I'm in there, I feel so safe. And I don't want that feeling because I can't feel the presence of freedom.
"It's your turn now!" Kiro gave me a shot.
We're playing truth or dare, and the twist is if we can't do the dare, or say the truth. Take a shot.
It's just the 5 of us, pero grabe ang iingay. Sayang lang na hindi nakasama si Ralph. Well, family matter daw eh.
"YEAHH!" they all cheered as I emptied the glass in one shot.
what, like it's hard?
"Okay, spin thatt fucking bottle!" Kiro then started spinning the bottle.
"Ohhhh, Mica?"
"nooo it's Aisle!"
"Aisle, it's your turn."
"Dare, Of course!" She answered excitedly.
"do the honor, Xylla!" Kiro passed the bottle to Xylla.
"I dare you...to kiss the hottest guy in this bar." Xylla smirked annoyingly.
Grabeng dare naman, kahit ako siguro mag s-shot na lang.
But Aisle is different. I was shocked nung tumayo s'ya. She looked around, and eventually found a guy.
she walked towards the guy, she winked at us before she approached the guy. Na para bang hindi s'ya doctor makalandi.
"WWWOAAAHHH!"
"THAT'S OUR BABY!
"Helll YEAAHH!"
"holy fuck, kadiri."
Sa lahat ng cheer, kay Xylla ang favorite ko. HAHAHA diring diri e.
"uy tangina, hindi na nakabalik." Kiro cursed ng tinable na si Aisle.
HAHAHA hindi na nga nakabalik
"so, it's just the 4 of us now." Mica said, as Xylla handed her the bottle.
"Go spin it!"
Mica spinned the bottle, and it stopped pointing at Xylla.
"okaayy! Kiro it's your turn to cook." Mica asked Kiro.
"Xylla...xylla...xylla. Truth of dare?".
"Truth." Xylla responded nonchalantly. Nag e enjoy ba talaga 'to?
"Say the truth, little girl. Have you ever hurt someone, deeply?"
that's deep. I waited for her response, I'll get it if she's going to say No. It's not that big of a deal.
"yes." she answered.
"woah, whoo??" Kiro asked
"one question per truth only, diba?" I backed up for Xylla.
"okayy, next!"
"I'm tired." I complained.
"what? you haven't even got your turn yet."
"I'll just take a shot then." I poured my glass, and emptied it really good.
Hooo that has a nice kick, it stings my tongue.
"Taraaa!" I pulled Xylla from the couch, para pumunta sa gitna.
with a glass full of vodka on my hand, and the other holding hers. We excitedly went in the middle. We'll, ako lang pala ang excited, pero wala naman s'yang choice.
There's a DJ, pero sa first floor pa, so we went downstairs.
Nasa taas kasi ang chilling spot, nandoon lahat ng tables, and mga balak talaga ay mag inom lang.
While on the first floor, it's a whole different concept.
Maingay, crowded, full of drunk and free people.
If you want to drink alone, but loves the crowd.
Then it's better if sa first floor ka, since may bar counter naman doon. Nice bar of choice, Kiro.
but nothing can beat Folks Bar.
"Zar, calm down!" Xylla scolded me as I was having a blast.
"c'mon, don't be a kill joy." I hyped her up, para naman makasabay s'ya.
Lights flicker like strobe-lit constellations, the bass thrumming in my veins.
A sip of vodka burns sweet down my throat, liquid courage igniting every nerve. The DJ's remix twists the air electric, alive. This DJ deserves a great tip.
Hips sway, arms spiral, hair whipping as I laugh into the chaos. Who cares if the world blurs? Tonight, I'm untethered. Free.
"You feel that? The music's not just in the speakers, Xy.
it's under the skin. Like... lightning. Or maybe that's the vodka talking.
" I started some little grins, spins, nearly stumbling.
Doesn't matter. Let the floor tilt. Let the room melt.
I'm not Zarya right now. I'm a pulse. A heartbeat. A vibe.
I looked at Xylla's gaze across the crowd. She's a statue in the room grounded, smiling that quiet smile na parang hinahayaan akong gawin ang lahat ng gusto ko, dahil nand'yan naman s'ya.
Her movements are simple, deliberate, like she's dancing to a different rhythm. Mine? Ours? My laugh softens. Even here, in the chaos, she's... steady. Steady, yet I can feel her. She's enjoying, I just don't know kung ano ang ineenjoy n'ya.
"Why do you watch me like that, Xylla? Like I'm some... reckless comet you're afraid to.... I don't know, lose in the crowd??"
Or is it because she knows I'll crash?Maybe she's the only one who doesn't look away when I burn too Bright.
The song dips, waves crashing. fuck, I'm enjoying my life. For once, it's enough. My chaos steadies. For a second, I'm not just dancing. I'm seen. And damn it, that's scarier than any free fall.
I took a glance of her again, and she's still staring at me. Those little stomps, little smiles. It's irritating me, but those gazes made me feel safe.
"Keep staring, then. I'll let you." I whispered, almost to myself.
Maybe tonight... I don't wanna be lost alone.
The DJ's remix throbs a dark, glittering version of Lewis Capaldi's "Someone You Loved", the bassline heavy enough to rattle my ribs. I'm spinning, vodka warm in my veins, the room, the freedom and sweat. Then—
Ice floods my throat. Happy? Is that what she sees? My hips still sway, but it's mechanical now. Defiant.
Let her stare. Let her dissect me with that surgeon's gaze, like she used to when she cared yet ripped me.
Yeah, Iris. Look. Look at how happy I am. I muttered, gulping the vodka. It tastes like ashes. And I won't let you take this happiness I have right now, not this time. Please...
But the song won't let me lie. The chorus crashes, the DJ slicing Capaldi's voice into a haunting loop.
My fingers tighten around the glass. She's still here. Still staring. 8 years gone, but she's etched into my pulse.
I remembered the way she pushed me away, while all along she cared about me.
How she made me believe myself that she doesn't feel anything.
Xylla brushes my arm, concerned. I jerk away. "Dance," I snap, too loud, pulling her closer. My voice cracks. "dance like she's dead, for now."
The DJ's cut the lights, just dim lights.
enough for us to see each other.
I'm cornering Xylla by the bar, vodka sloshing over my knuckles. Iris's gaze drills into my soul. "You told her. You told Iris we'd be here. After everything, you called her." I laughed at Xylla.
Xylla's face hardens. "No. I'd never do that to you. Zar, nangako ako." Her voice cracks, and it pisses me off.
I laugh, bitter. "Right. Saint Xylla. Always protecting me." My finger jabs her chest. "But you're just like her. You watch. You wait. You think
I'll—"
"Zarya, I swear I didn't—"
I kissed her. Sudden. Rough. Her hands fist my neck, pulling me in like she's drowning.
For a second, I melt. lips, heat, the vodka-spin slowing, until she shoves me back, breath ragged.
"what?" I complained when she pulled me away.
"This isn't okay." she whispers, voice breaking. "Not like this. Not for her."
When we break apart, Xylla's trembling. The music softens.
Iris's stool scrapes as she leaves. The spotlight dies. Xylla's grip tightens, like she's afraid I'll vanish. But the truth is—I already am.
The song fades. I close my eyes. For once, the silence hurts more than the noise.
now I'm not sure if I'm hurting her, or hurting myself.
Iris is gone. Just an empty stool and the ghost of her perfume and regret. The vodka churns in my gut.
"You won, Iris," I whisper to the shadows. "Even when you're gone, you're still the wound."
The song fades. I laugh, bitter and bright, and order another drink. Let the night burn the rest.
I could not help it. I have to do this.
I chased her.
Rain hammers the alleyway, soaking through my dress, my makeup bleeding black down my cheeks.
So all this time, the rain has been comforting me as it pours along with my tears.
The club's bass still throbs in my skull, but I'm sprinting now, heels skidding. Iris walks ahead, unhurried, her leather jacket glinting under a streetlamp.
"IRIS!" I scream her name. She did not turn around.
"Iris! Wait—just... fucking wait!" My voice shreds, raw as the rain. "I didn't mean—the kiss, it wasn't... it wasn't...please."
She stops. Doesn't face me. Just stands there, a silhouette carved from ice.
I stagger closer, clutching my chest like I can dig out the guilt lodged there. The lyrics I'd screamed earlier haunt me. "I need somebody to heal... somebody to know me!"
"I used her. To hurt you. To—to make you feel something."
Laugh-coughing, rainwater and tears. "Pathetic, right? But you... you just watched. You always just watch."
awang awa na ako sa sarili ko. It's always me who ends up chasing.
Iris turns. Her face is a mask. No anger. No pain. Not even pity. Just... nothing.
"Say something! Scream at me! Tell me I'm a disaster, a liar, a—a mess! Isn't that what you're thinking?!"
She tilts her head, cool as the rain. "Why would I care, Zarya?" Her voice is a scalpel. Precise. Bloodless. "You're always kissing someone, did I care? even for once? no."
The words gut me. I crumple to the pavement, it feels like I was drowning with her words. And she stood there, doesn't move. Doesn't flinch. Just watches me drown.
"I'm sorry..." Whispering to the cracks, through the rain. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry you had to see me drowning as you gave your love to Ryan. I'm sorry I still want you to care—"
A car speeds by, headlights washing over us. For a split second, I see her eyes. No flicker. No memory. Just a stranger. She turns, walks away. While I'm here, screaming after her.
"Look at me! Hate me! Just... don't walk away like I'm nothing!"
But she's gone. The alley swallows her.
I sat at the hallway, I curl into myself, sobs wracking my ribs. The rain keeps falling. And I finally understand—she doesn't love me anymore, not even enough to hate me.
Tangina, hindi ko pala kayang gawin sa kanya ang ginawa n'ya sakin.
I can't love someone without thinking about her.
that's when I knew.
I can't love another soul, if it's not Her's.
You're a curse, Iris. A curse I crave.