Chapter 54 Too Late To Ask
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Iris's Point Of View
"Iris... Iris," her voice shook, and I heard her crying hard, struggling to speak. "We need to talk, please? Can we just talk even for a bit?"
I pulled my arms away fast. Hindi niya ako pwedeng makitang nasasaktan, I need to stand firm on what I have decided to do.
"There's nothing left to talk about na, Zarya. Ano pa ba kailangan mo? Bakit ka na naman nandito?" I said it fiercely, pero ako 'yung nasasaktan.
Bumalik siya...she really did came back. But why does it feel like... too late na?
"I promised I'd come back, diba? Eh nandito na ako. I'm right here, Iris...please." She moved closer, like she's scared I'll slip inside and lock her out.
I looked straight into her eyes, and every part of me wants to pull her close, but I forced my face to stay sharp and cold. Ang sakit makita siyang ganyan. And it hurts more kasi kailangan kong maging ganito para matapos na 'to.
"And what exactly are you doing here?" I asked, voice rising a little. "Bakit ka nga ba talaga nandito? To ruin me again? Hurt me again? Para paasahin na naman ako?"
"I'm sorry... I promised, at tinupad ko na Iris. I am right here." She shook her head over and over, panicking.
Alam kong hindi mo sinasadya, Zar. But you still hurt me so bad, you know? Your world is dangerous, you still hurt me so bad, pero I never thought hurting you right back just as much. Is worst than my own life.
"You broke that promise already, Zarya. Not just once, but twice.
Is that really your favorite thing to do?
Sasabihin mong babalik ka, then you come back after ages?
You said you'd be gone only a few days, a week or two...
then eight years passed, a whole month passed before you showed up again.
Ang gulo?gulo mo." I laughed, bitter and empty, no joy left in it at all.
I really wish I could believe you. I wish it was that easy lang. But I have to choose between you and the safety of my mother, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She looked tense, I could see her fighting to get the words out. "Nag extend ang bidding, that's why. And I couldn't tell you, bawal talaga. It was dangerous, Iris. We weren't supposed to meet or talk... I was just trying to protect you, that's really all."
I know nasasaktan at nahihirapan ka din. I know it wasn't simple for you. But I can't carry the risk anymore. I have to choose myself and my family now, even if it kills me.
"Protect? You call that protection? Parang you treated me like I didn't matter at all. Your protection didn't make me safe, it just broke me more, alam mo ba 'yon?" I looked at her even sharper, though my heart is literally crumbling into pieces.
"I'm sorry...I am really sorry, Iris. I never wanted it to turn out this way.
Just listen to me for a bit lang, please...
give me one more chance to explain everything.
" She looked like she was falling apart, stepping closer with clasped hands, na halos magmakaawa na. Tears ran freely down her face.
Gustong gusto kitang yakapin ngayon, Zar. I want to tell you that everything will be fine, my love. But I know na hindi ko 'yon magagawa.
"Nangako ako, 'di ba? I promised babalik ako pagkatapos ng bidding... ngayon nandito na ako, handa na akong ayusin ang lahat. Just give me a chance, please." Her hands shook so bad she couldn't keep them still. She looked at me, desperate.
I looked away first, then forced myself to look back. Tears spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them. I hate that I'm crying. I hate that you still know exactly how to make me cry.
"Zarya... do you think na madali lang sa akin 'yung ganun? That you leave, then babalik ka like nothing ever happened??" I let out a shaky breath, holding back the scream that wants to come out.
She stepped closer, ramdam ko na sa boses niya na nasasaktan siya.
"What I'm sorry, Iris. Akala ko maiintindihan mo because I already told you, diba?
After the bidding, babalik ako. But the bidding extended...
I thought you'd understand me. I thought you could wait. Akala ko talaga maiintindihan mo—."
"I always understand you, Zarya! Don't you ever question that.
'Cause even if it's hard for me, I always convince myself to understand you kahit ang labo?labo mo minsan.
I thought that is the easiest that would work for both of us, but it only worked for you.
Akala ko magiging maayos ang lahat basta iniintindi lang kita...
pero hindi. It wasn't fair, Zarya. It wasn't fair on my part that I always understands you, pero ni minsan inintindi mo ba ako?
" I'm so sorry I have to say this. But someone really has to say it.
You never knew about the warning, about the danger, about how much I'm risking just to stand here and push you away.
Fuck! I feel like I am getting stabbed with my own words.
She couldn't speak anymore, crying too hard, standing there helpless.
I wiped my tears roughly and stared right at her. Every word I say cuts me deeper than it hurts her. But I really have to say it. I have to make you leave, even though you're the last person I want to lose.
"Inintindi mo ba na nasasaktan din ako? Did you even realize that?
Did you even think of me for once? Inisip mo ba na baka nasasaktan ako noong umalis ka...
when you left for 8 years? Did you even think of me...
hmm? Naisip mo ba ako? Kasi para sa akin...
parang hindi. You just came back, and said you still love me after eight years.
And do you think it was easy for me to believe that?
Putang ina, Zar... walong taon. Eight years of being miserable and waiting and wondering.
Then suddenly you're here saying you love me again.
It was so hard to believe... pero pinaniwalaan ko pa rin.
Because those 8 years, I kept on loving you.
I loved you so much that I let you hurt me twice.
That's why I took the risk of letting you in my life again, even with chances of getting hurt again. "
"Iris...from the moment you came into my life up until now—it has always been you.
I have loved you, and I carried that love kahit saan ako pumunta.
Believe it or not, kung madali lang sa akin ang lahat, Iris matagal na kitang binalikan.
But hindi eh. It was hard for me... hindi madali.
There were lots of circumstances, lots of sacrifices, and nahirapan din ako.
" Her hands trembled, basang basa na ng luha ang mga mata niya.
And fuck...I wanna wipe those tears away.
"That's exactly the point, Zarya. You have lots of problems in your life...
ang gulo ng buhay mo, you have lots of problems to fix...
and I am one of those. So as much as I want to be with you, to help you, to stay beside you while you fix everything...
I didn't realize I was the one slowly breaking apart.
Ako 'yung nawawasak. I don't even know how to help you anymore.
Hindi ko rin alam paano, kasi ako mismo, Zarya...
ako mismo sirang?sira na din. And I don't wanna add up.
So please, Zarya... I've had enough. I'm hurt enough.
Please, umalis ka na lang. And if you can...
please do not ever come back again in my life.
Umalis ka na lang, wag ka nang bumalik. Go fix all your life problems, and once you've fixed all of that...
humanap ka na lang ng iba. Just forget about me.
Please... forget about me." Those last three words... doon ako sobrang nasaktan.
She was helpless, hindi na siya na nakapagsalita. She just stared at me while her tears running through her cheeks.
Don't look at me like that, please. Don't look like I'm tearing your heart out. Alam kong nasasaktan kita, but it's not because I want to...it's because I have to.
"You know I can't do that, Iris. hindi ko kayang gawin 'yun.
Mas gugustuhin ko pang mapuno ng problema ang buhay ko...
as long as I have you by my side. But what's the use of fixing everything...
kung wala ka naman sa tabi ko?" She was trying so hard to speak, she looked like she couldn't breathe dahil sa pag iyak.
"Then you're fucking selfish, Zarya. That's so selfish of you to think like that."
I paused, then stepped a little closer, my voice softening just a tiny bit.
"I told you before, 'di ba? If you came back again without keeping your promise...
don't expect me to still be here. But nonetheless, I am here...
unfortunately. And I also told you...there might come a time when ako naman ang susuko.
Zarya, sana maintindihan mo rin ako. If this time...
ako naman 'yung aalis... please, intindihin mo 'ko. "
Please intindihin mo ako, Zarya. Please...
She couldn't speak, just stared at me with empty hands hanging at her sides. It kills me so much to walk away. Pero mas masakit if something bad happens because I stayed.
I wiped my tears one last time, turned toward the gate, and started walking.
Hindi ko na kaya pang magsalita, I can't bear seeing her like this. I need to walk away bago pa niya mabago ang isip ko.
Then I felt her grab my arms tight. so tight I can feel how desperate she is. Next thing I knew, her knees hit the ground and she sank down, crying so hard her whole body shook.
"Iris... please. Iris, let's fix this," she sobbed, voice breaking. "Ayusin natin 'to, Iris... wag mo ko iwan, please... nagmamakaawa ako sa'yo, Iris..."
Dahan dahan kong inalis ang kamay niya sa akin. Every part of me wants to kneel with her and hold her tight. But I can't.
If I hug you now, I'll never have the strength to let go. I looked down at her, gustong gusto kong bawiin lahat ng mga sinabi ko kanina.
"There's no chance anymore," I said flatly.
"Hindi na 'to maaayos. Just fix your fucking messed up life.
But before that, try to fix yourself first. Ayusin mo na rin 'yung sarili mo, Zarya.
Kasi kahit ako... parang hindi na kita kilala.
You were always chasing and fixing everything else, but you were the one losing yourself along the way. "
"Iris, please..." She reached for me again, and ako na mismo ang lumayo. I took a step back before, scared to fall back ijto her arms.
I turned fully and walked toward the gate. I can feel her eyes on my back the whole time.
A few steps in, I stopped. I didn't turn around...I can't turn around. If I see her face again, I'll run back.
"Umuwi ka na lang... Umuwi ka na at wag ka nang babalik ulit dito." I said those words like a final farewell.
I thought choosing myself would feel like freedom. But it just feels like breaking. Like I'm tearing my own heart out with my bare hands.
There's no happy ending here. No right answer. Just two things I love more than anything, pulling me in opposite directions until I shatter.
I can't have both. I can't protect everyone. Hindi ko kayang ayusin lahat 'to.
All I can do is choose which hurt I can learn to live with. And God... it hurts so much more than I ever thought possible.
Every step further from her is a step into nothing. And I know... I know I'll regret this for the rest of my life. But what else can I do? What else is there to choose?
_____
A week later....
I was already fully dressed for work, aalis na lang ako. Even if hindi ako okay, I have to show up. I have to look fine. I can't let anyone notice how broken I actually feel inside.
I went out of my room after kong ma make sure na lahat ng gamit ko ay okay na.
But as I reached the dining area, just then, Mama came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.
"Iris, kumain ka muna. Pinagluto kita ng breakfast," she said softly.
I glanced quickly at my watch, then back at her. "No need na po. I really need to go to the office na."
She walked closer and gently pulled my arm away from the door. "Kumain ka muna. Ilang araw na kitang napapansin ha, hindi ka na nagbebreakfast dito sa bahay. Tapos pag umuuwi ka galing work, hindi ka na rin kumakain. Parang puro ka na lang trabaho, namamayat ka na oh."
I have no choice. Alam kong hindi siya papayag hangga't hindi ako sumusunod.
Mama pulled out a clean plate, spoon, and fork for me, then put two pieces of hotdog and a serving of vegetables on my plate.
"Okay ka lang ba, Iris?" She asked, her eyes were soft looking into mine.
"yes po, why'd you ask?" I lied....pero I smiled as I said those words.
"Wala lang, notice ko lang kasi na parang mas naging tahimik ka lately. And minsan ka na lang lumalabas kahit day off mo pa, parang ayaw mo nang umalis ng bahay."
"Workloads lang po, Ma. Sobrang dami kasing kailangang tapusin ngayon." I stared at my plate, poking the vegetables with my fork.
She nodded slowly, then suddenly asked: "Si Ryan pala? Bakit hindi na siya bumibisita dito?"
"Ah... busy din po siguro siya sa work nila." My hand froze for a second. I forced a small smile, lying through my teeth.
"Hmm, okay." she said simply. "Eh si ano... si Zarya? Nasaan na pala siya? Hindi ko na siya nakikita ah. Noong nagpacheck up ako last week, wala siya dun sa hospital, hindi ko siya nakita, at sabi ng nurse wala daw siya dun."
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. "Baka busy din po siya, Ma. Marami sigurong inaasikaso."
Mama sighed softly. "Ah, grabe. Malalaki na talaga kayo. Dati halos lahat ng oras magkasama kayo, lalo na kayong dalawa ni Zarya, ayy halos hindi mapaghiwalay. Ngayon halos hindi na kayo magkita dahil sa trabaho."
I didn't argue. I didn't even try to explain. I just nodded slowly, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Oo naman po. Maybe that's just how it is."
"Alam mo ba, invite mo sila minsand dito sa bahay.
Ipagluluto ko kayong tatlo. Na mi-miss ko kayo lately e, dati naman dito kayong tatlo lagi sa bahay.
Naalala ko dati sobrang gulo niyong tatlo, tapos lagi ka nilang inaasar dahil nag i-italian sila tapos hindi mo maintindihan.
Kahit tagalog dati hindi ka nga makaintindi, mana talaga ang pagka englishera mo dati sa tatay mo—"
"Ma. Kumain na lang po tayo, I need to go in 5 minutes." Wala na akong gana.
She was reminiscing every past we had shared together, okay lang sana e. Until that asshole father of mine was involved.
______
My was busier than usual . I sat through three straight meetings, reviewed piles of papers, and stood in court for hours. I won a huge case today, everyone said I did great. But honestly? I didn't even feel like celebrating. My body felt so tired, I just want to go home.
I fixed my things slowly, locked my desk drawer. I walked toward the elevator, waited for it to reach the ground floor, and stepped out into the lobby.
As I stepped out of the lobby, I noticed something strange outside.
I stopped mid?step.
Across the street, leaning against the lamppost, is a man who's I think may tinatawagan siya. He's wearing that exact same black Adidas cap. Yung lalaking nakita ko nang ilang beses na sumusunod sa akin before, the reason why I got scared and ruined everything.
Why is he here again? kailan ba ako titigilan?
Dali dali akong umatras pabalik sa loob ng building, stayed just behind the glass door so he wouldn't spot me.
I rushed to the staff lockers at the back, pulled out the plain dark hoodie I kept there for emergencies, slipped it on, pulled the hood over my head, wore my old faded cap, and covered half my face with a face mask.
I made sure my bag was hidden too, then crept quietly to the side entrance na papunta malapit sa kaniya, hiding behind a thick concrete pillar so I could watch him clearly without being seen.
He was holding a phone to his ear, speaking in a low, steady voice. I held my breath and leaned a little closer, careful not to make even the smallest sound.
Hindi ko din alam bakit I decided to eavesdrop, pero baka dito ko pa malaman if my intuitions were right.
If they are really following me around, and I need to know who ordered them.
"Yes boss, everything is under control. Safe and well protected po si Attorney Valenti dito. Nanghingi na po ba ng update si Ma'am tungkol kay Attorney?" I heard the man said sa kausap niya sa phone.
My name was mentioned, I knew it. Sinusundan talaga nila ako, I am the target.
But what do they mean "safe and well protected"?
Hindi ko gets, I'm confused.
I tried to lean closer para marinig din ang kausap niya, but I couldn't hear any words from the other side.
"Nakakapanibago naman, dati halos araw?araw siyang humihingi ng update ah."
"Sige boss, ang importante safe si Attorney dito. At fully paid na ni Ma'am De Luca 'yung contract."
Fuck?! Her surname was mentioned...De Luca?? Was it Zarya?
If I am certain, ano naman ang connect ni Zarya dito? Are they supposed to keep me safe?? Huh??
Anong nangyayari?!
My hands trembled so bad I almost scream, but I immediately move backwards. My mind still processing what the hell did I just heard.
I couldn't think properly, this is....complicated. Just by thinking about it.
Did I fucking did the right thing???
Everything blurred the moment I heard those words. I didn't think about anything else, there was only one place I needed to go.
I had to get to Zarya's house, I need to talk to her. I had to ask her if what I heard was real, if she was really involved in this, bakit parang ang dami niyang bagay na tinatago sa akin??
I ran back to my car, almost stumbling on the pavement. My hands were shaking badly as I gripped the steering wheel, and I drove faster than I ever should have.
Hindi ko na inintindi ang traffic o kung gaano kabilis ang takbo ko. All I knew was I needed answers from her, right now.
When I reached her gate, I didn't even hesitated. Or think if someone might see me here, I banged the door loudly.
"Zarya! We need to talk." I shouted, knocking again and again until my knuckles hurt, pero wala talagang lumalabas.
My fingers fumbled inside my bag until I found the key...the spare one she gave me, my hands trembled so much I almost dropped it, but I managed to unlocked the gate, then the front door, and stepped inside of her house.
The house was strangely quiet. It felt cold and empty, like all the warmth was taken away with her.
I walked fast straight to her bedroom, and pushed the door open wide. But the room was empty.
That's when I noticed it. Most of her important things were already gone. Lalo na yung picture frame on her desk, the one with her and her sister, the one she always held when she was sad...it wasn't there anymore.
I pulled open her cabinet, and my chest felt like it was crushing. Almost all her clothes were gone.
I leaned against the cabinet to keep from falling. Tears spilled down my face fast, and I couldn't stop them.
She really left...Maybe it is really too late.
She's gone....