Chapter 26
Jamie
Marching down the road, Jamie huffed and puffed, chastising himself with every step. He hadn’t brought a coat and the cold wind whipped through his shirt, chilling his bones. Light snow fell, but he didn’t care. He was too angry to care about anything much at all.
How could I be so bloody stupid?
He wanted to yell out to sea. Run to the shoreline and scream at nobody. Nothing. Only the boats bobbing in the bitter water would hear his cries, everyone else being huddled up at home.
Home. What a joke! He’d just blown his chance of having one, because he was pretty sure Alice would never speak to him again after what he’d just blurted.
Jamie paced outside the café, not knowing which way to turn. How to handle the mess he’d just created for Alice. He clutched his head and gritted his teeth. ‘Argh!’
The door to the café flew open and Will ran out.
‘Jamie? What’s wrong?’
Jamie turned, revealing watery eyes and agitation.
Will tugged him inside and closed the door. ‘Tell me what’s happened. I can help. Just talk to me. Has something happened to Alice?’
Jamie slumped to a chair, burying his face in his hands. ‘It’s me. I messed up. I’m an idiot, Will.’ He looked up. ‘Why am I always the idiot?’
Will pulled up a chair and sat to his side. ‘You listen to me — you’re not an idiot.’
Jamie wasn’t listening. ‘You know, my dad used to tell me over and over how much of an idiot I was. Now I know why he would say that to me.’
‘No, he was wrong to call you that.’
Jamie caught his breath. His heart was racing, and his hands shaking. ‘One thing, Will. One thing, that’s all I had to do. I promised. I made a vow. Just one thing, and I couldn’t even do that.’
Will took Jamie’s flailing arms and lowered them. ‘Look at me. I need you to take a breath. Whatever has happened, I’m going to help you. But right now, I just need you to breathe.’ Will took a deep breath. ‘Come on, mate. Just breathe. Nice and easy.’
Jamie copied his friend, taking short breaths in and long ones out, closing his eyes for a moment, wanting to block out the world.
‘It’s all right, Jamie. Everything’s going to be just fine.’ Will’s voice was soft and calm with a hint of authority. ‘You’re doing really well.’
Jamie started to settle, but he was still infuriated with himself, and there wasn’t anything he could do to fix his mistake.
‘Talk to me, Jamie.’
‘I messed up.’
Will nodded. ‘How?’
‘I broke my promise to Alice.’
‘You in trouble with the law?’
Jamie shook his head, lowering his face once more. Just thinking about what he had done was hard enough, let alone talking about it — even with Will, who he trusted.
Will patted Jamie’s arm. ‘I told your gran I’d look out for you, so if you need somewhere to stay for a few days, you can come home with me.’
Jamie looked up. ‘Thanks. I’m not sure I’m welcome at the B&B right now.’
‘You want me to go and pick up a few of your things, or do you want to tell me what’s gone on and see if I can help fix it?’
‘The damage is done now.’
‘Start at the beginning.’
Jamie took another deep breath. What difference would it make telling Will? Soon everyone would know the truth. ‘It was ten years ago. I found a lump, got scared, thought I had cancer again. Don’t know if you know, but I had it as a child.’
‘I heard some whispers.’
‘I thought it was the end of the line. I didn’t want to tell anyone but I confided in Alice. We started talking. I told her about my bucket list — all the things I wanted to do.’ Jamie looked directly into Will’s curious eyes. ‘One of them was to get married. Pretend I had a normal life.’
Will’s head bobbed slightly.
‘Alice made me go to the doctor for tests, and she married me in secret before I’d even got the results back. We both thought it was going to be bad news, and we didn’t want to waste time.’
‘Had the cancer returned?’
Jamie sighed, leaning back in the chair. He focused on the silver star hanging in the window. ‘No. It turned out to be a harmless cyst.’
‘That must have been a huge relief.’
‘Yes, but we were married, and Alice told me it didn’t matter as long as her family never found out.
We never spoke of divorce. We never talked about the marriage at all.
It was that much of a secret, it kind of disappeared.
We always knew, but neither of us brought it up again.
It was just a bucket list thing after all, not a real marriage. ’
‘And now?’
‘I just shouted it at Lizzie.’
Will sighed. ‘Ah, I see.’
‘Alice and I had that one day where we made the world go away. It was just the two of us all day. All night. We lied to each other, we lied to ourselves. A day of pretending. It was madness, but it was ours. Just for that one moment, we shared more than we ever had before or since, and we’ve been through a lot together, but not like that day.
It was special.’ Jamie rolled back tears.
‘Nothing about my life ever feels normal.’
Will leaned forward, offering sympathy in his smile.
‘There’s no such thing as normal, mate. Everyone’s got their shit going on.
We just do the best we can with what cards we’ve been dealt.
You’re only human, and the whole cancer thing messed with you.
What you and Alice did, well, that’s between you two.
And if you chose to stay married, then maybe there’s a reason for that.
One neither of you will admit out loud.’
Jamie stared out the window, wishing he could turn back time and keep his big mouth shut.
Will stood. ‘How about we go see Alice now, and you can apologize? Make things right.’
‘She won’t want to see me. She’ll be too upset.’
‘I think you should at least try.’
Perhaps Will was right. What good was running off going to do? He just hoped Lizzie had gone home because he really didn’t want to have to deal with her as well.
Jamie followed Will to the door. ‘Am I stopping you from doing something here?’
‘No, I was about to head home. I was having a tidy after the evening meals. Samuel had only just left when I spotted you outside.’
‘I didn’t know where to go. I just felt like running and never stopping.’
‘Yeah, life gets you like that sometimes.’ Will locked the door behind them. ‘Best to face problems though. They get sorted that way.’
Jamie wasn’t so sure, but he walked with Will around the corner to Seaview.
Lizzie and Alice’s voices could be heard from the end of the pathway, causing the two men to come to a halt.
Will raised a hand. ‘Wait here while I see if Alice is ready to talk to you.’
Jamie thought that was for the best too. He sat on the wall, staring across the road at the darkness of the sea.
‘How could you?’ came Alice’s distraught voice.
Jamie stood as he turned to see her standing in the open doorway. ‘I’m so sorry.’ What else could he say?
‘Go away, Jamie.’
Will came out and walked to the end of the path. ‘Go and wait by my truck. I’ll just pick up some of your things.’
With his head dipped, Jamie went back to the café where Will’s dark pickup truck was parked. No doubt his friend would bring more than an overnight bag. Alice was probably clearing out all of his belongings this very minute.
It didn’t take Will long to return. He had a single holdall with him.
‘Did Alice say anything to you?’ Jamie asked, climbing in the vehicle.
‘She let me in your room, that’s all.’
‘I know it’s a stupid question, but how was she?’
Will started the engine. ‘She looked worn out, mate. I didn’t want to stick around.
Lizzie was fired up, and Benny had just got home.
Thought it best not to fight your corner.
A good breather is needed all round.’ He put the windscreen wipers on as the snow got a little heavier.
‘Let the air settle, Jamie. Things are always easier in the morning.’
Jamie sat back, watching chunky snowflakes hit the window. He hoped Will was right. But even if Alice did calm down, he had still let her down. Again.
‘Let me just send Ginny a quick message so she knows what’s going on.’
Jamie thanked him.
It wasn’t long before Will was heading down the driveway of Happy Farm, where he lived with Ginny.
Jamie hadn’t been to Will’s home before. Even in the dark, the old farmhouse looked welcoming. ‘What do you think Ginny will say?’
Will pulled up out front and glanced at the sky. ‘Knowing her, she’ll say, start gritting the pathways before the snow settles.’
‘It is getting pretty heavy.’
‘Come on, you can help me. It’ll clear your head for a bit.’
They got out the truck and went to the house.
Jamie stood in the hallway with his bag, looking around the cosy rustic scene.
Ginny came down the wide stairway to greet them. ‘Hello, Jamie. Ooh, you look in need of a friend.’
Will kissed her cheek. ‘Spot of bother with Alice. I’ll explain all the details later. Right now, the snow is settling, so we’re going to toss some salt down.’
Ginny thumbed towards the kitchen. ‘Robert’s asleep. I’ll check on Ralph.’
Jamie turned to Will as she hurried away. ‘I know Robert is your son, but who’s Ralph?’
Will grinned. ‘Our rescue donkey. We have chickens as well, and a cat.’
‘I wish my life was as sorted as yours.’
Will blew out a laugh as he showed Jamie to the cloakroom to give him a coat to wear. ‘Wasn’t that way for years, mate. Both Ginny and I had it tough for a while, but we found each other, and everything you see, we built together through love.’
Jamie thought of Alice. They’d been through so much together.
‘Follow me,’ said Will, heading outside.
The snow was falling thick and fast. Jamie blinked a few times as he made his way over to a small shed.
Will pulled out a bag of gritting salt and handed Jamie a shovel. ‘Pathways and drive, then hot shower and a cuppa.’
It wasn’t how Jamie had expected his night to turn out. Dancing with Alice by the tree, their Christmas dinner, the angel necklace she so proudly wore flashed through his mind as he got on with his task.
‘Better make it quick,’ called Will, poking a finger upwards.
The snow was fast becoming a blizzard. Jamie wiped his mind of all problems, hurrying so they could get back inside, out of the battering they were now getting from the weather.
Ginny had the kettle on by the time they finished, and the hot drink was well and truly appreciated.
‘You go warm up in the shower, Jamie,’ she said. ‘I think we could all do with getting our PJs on and settling down.’ She glanced out the kitchen window. ‘Looks like this is here for the night.’
‘I’ll show you where everything’s at,’ said Will.
Jamie thanked them, then followed Will upstairs, picking up his bag along the way.
‘This will be your room.’ Will opened a door to reveal a small bedroom with white panelled walls and dark-wood furniture.
‘Bathroom’s next door, clean towels in the cupboard in there, and little man is asleep along the landing so keep the noise down, not that I expect you to start playing music or anything. ’
Jamie smiled softly. ‘Thanks for all this, Will.’
Will patted his arm. ‘No worries, Jamie. You get yourself sorted. A good night’s sleep will do you good. Things will look brighter in the morning.’
Jamie put his bag on the floor as Will walked away. He couldn’t see how things would improve just because the sun came up. Alice never wanted to hurt her family and, because of him, she had. All those years he never said a word. What on earth possessed him to speak of it now?
He went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, knowing part of him wanted the whole world to know Alice was his wife. He only wished it was real.
As soon as the steam built and the water covered his face, Jamie let the tears fall. Life felt unfair once more.