Chapter Twenty-Eight Hayden
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
HAYDEN
T he words left my mouth more harshly than I had intended. They spilled out, and I couldn’t take them back. My plan went to shit within two seconds, all from seeing Charlotte’s face twisted in despair. I clenched my fists in my coat pockets, digging my fingers into my palms to prevent myself from touching her.
“I mean—” I had fumbled this entire speech. “We should take a step back for a bit.”
That had some resemblance to my original plan, where I explained that I loved her but needed some time to figure out Simone and what happened next. Charlotte didn’t need to be a part of that complicated mess. Hell, I abandoned her last night, and the guilt of hurting her was almost too much for me. I didn’t have a choice. My dad called his buddy, a lawyer, who came over in the evening to discuss all the options. While I wasn’t going to go after Simone in court, I wanted to be prepared in case she went that direction.
Before Simone, I was confident I could handle putting Gwen first and dating Charlotte. Now though? I could only handle Gwen and Simone. I ran a hand over my face, my gut twisting.
“Wh-what?” she stuttered. She blinked slowly.
“Look, Char, I lo—will always care for you. Nothing will change that. Some things happened, and I need to handle them. I can’t be with you while I’m navigating it.” Pain exploded behind my chest, sharp points of pressure stabbing my heart. The back of my throat throbbed with an ache.
Is this the right decision? a small voice in the back of my head piped up, but I shut it down. It didn’t matter if it was right, it’s what needed to happen. Hell, I was terrified to drop Gwen off with Frankie that morning, even though Simone would never know to find her there. This situation deserved all my time and attention.
“I don’t understand.” Charlotte wrapped her arms around her middle, her bottom lip trembling. “What happened? What changed from the other night where we…”
She struggled, and seeing her cry caused a crack in my heart. The urge to comfort her had me take a step forward, but I stopped myself from touching her. “Baby, I’m sorry.”
“Did I… do something?” she whispered.
“No. It’s not you at all.” The ache in my throat intensified. “It’s all me.”
“Is this fixable?” She wiped away a tear, staring at me with hopelessness. “Whatever you said that came up, can I help with it?”
“No, this isn’t something you can help with,” I said, my tone sharper than I meant. Charlotte was so good and kind, of course she’d want to help. I had to end this conversation. The longer it went on, the more likely I’d change my mind and pull her into me and beg forgiveness. “Simone showed up at my house yesterday, wanting to—”
“Holy shit!” Charlotte gasped. “She didn’t see Gwen, did she?”
“No—”
“What does she want? What did you do?” Charlotte’s hands came out to squeeze my forearms. Her eyes went wide, her mouth parted as she asked, “Are you okay? This has to be so tough for you.”
I broke up with her a minute ago, and she was worried about me. I stepped back, her hands falling from my arms. “I met with a lawyer last evening, working through all the angles to protect Gwen. Simone needs to figure out what her plan is before I decide anything.”
She nodded, a resigned look crossing her face. “Hayden, is that why you’re putting distance between us? This isn’t a deal-breaker for me. I don’t know anything about the law, but I can be there for you. You’ll need—”
“No.” I shook my head, the pain in my chest worsening. A dodgeball-size lump sat behind my tongue. “I don’t need you around this.”
I had to get the fuck out of here. This gutted me, and I had no strength around her. But I owed her a huge apology. Apologizing when you fucked up was miserable. When it was an accident, it was easier, but this was intentional. I knew what yesterday meant to her, but I chose to focus on Gwen. I could’ve called Charlotte to explain, but I was such a mess last night on top of feeling so bad about not being there that it was easier to avoid it.
“I want you to know, I am so damn sorry you didn’t get the job. We should’ve been together last night, and I left you to handle it alone. That’s a perfect example of why I need to step back. I’ll continue hurting you, so it’s best to remove myself from the situation.”
She hung her head, a heartbreaking sob escaping her. The helpless, horrible sound had my eyes stinging.
Walk away and get in the car and leave.
“You know,” she said, sniffing, “you’re right. I want someone who is willing to fight through the hard times. You’re running. I would happily stand by you and Gwen as you deal with Simone, but you’re not giving me the choice. You ignored me last night because it was hard? You didn’t want to… deal with me being sad? Yeah, maybe distance is good, Hayden.”
She even finger quoted the word distance .
My feet grew roots, holding me firmly in front of her doorstep. Her words were like swords piercing me. She was right. All her words, correct.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she opened the door. “This heartbreak is worse than not getting the job. I guess I could thank you for lessening the disappointment. Goodbye, Hayden.”
She shut the door. The lock clicked. We were done. I wanted distance, with the foolish hope that once Simone decided whether she was staying or going, I’d beg for Charlotte’s forgiveness, but her words made it more final. Fuck.
Compartmentalize. I told Charlotte how important it was on the field, and I had to do it now to survive. I boxed up the ache from missing Charlotte and focused on Simone and Gwen.
Simone told me she’d call me today at 8:00 a.m., and that left me an hour to drop Gwen off with Frankie.
“Daddy, why was Lotte sad?” Gwen asked, the second I got into the car.
Damn kid asked the hard questions. “Because she didn’t get something she wanted really bad.”
“I don’t get things I want too. Maybe I can hug her?”
My poor heart. “Yes, baby, next time you see her, you can give her a hug.”
Shit. Despite tucking Charlotte into the back part of my mind, her family jumped to the front. Oh my God. She’d tell them what happened, and they’ll be pissed at me. I scratched my chest, about to panic, when my phone buzzed.
Charlotte: Make sure you tell Christian and Penny. They can help you navigate this.
My facade cracked. My perfect woman would hide her pain to ensure my friends still spoke to me. It didn’t seem fair. I didn’t deserve her, and this only proved it. It didn’t matter how much I loved her or pictured my life with her in a few years. I had hurt her, and I wasn’t sure it was forgivable.
If I thought time had slowed during those first few months after Simone left, it was nothing compared to the five days leading up to the wedding. My ulcers had ulcers.
“You okay, hon?” My mom’s comforting voice helped ease the tension. She called as she and my dad packed for a short trip here for the wedding. They were arriving later this afternoon and I was so excited to see them. I missed them.
I took Gwen to an indoor playground hoping I could tire her out. Tonight was the rehearsal dinner, and while Gwen was invited, she often behaved better when tired. It was a trick I learned early on, that when Gwen used all her energy physically, she had less attitude to talk back and wreak havoc.
She jumped from a large mat into a pit of foam screaming, “Cowabunga!” over and over. She was happy.
That made one of us.
“Great, yeah,” I said. My jaw clenched as the ache worsened in my core, numbing me to feelings of happiness.
When Gwen smiled, the ache lessened. When Gwen told me she loved me or that I was her best friend besides dinosaurs, I smiled too. But the list of things that broke through my exterior was limited.
The unanswered texts from Christian, Penny, and Garrett didn’t help either. Were they yelling at me, calling me an asshole?
Of course not. They were worried about me because Charlotte told them to help me. That I was going through a really stressful time.
And Charlotte sent me one text that read I’m thinking about you and Gwen, hope things are okay.
It would’ve been better if she hated me and yelled at me. I deserved that. I didn’t want this… support and loyalty. Running a hand through my hair, I pulled on the ends, welcoming the sting.
“Hayden Orion. I’m about sick of your shit.”
I sat up straighter. “Mom.”
“Don’t mom me in that tone. You are a grown-ass man wallowing in your pathetic pity party for one, and I’m done.”
Swallowing, I adjusted the phone to stop watching Gwen to face her. Hard lines had formed around her mouth, and her narrowed eyes left no room for misunderstanding. She was pissed at me.
“You don’t understand.”
“Cute. We’re playing this game? Tell me what I don’t understand.”
“Mom,” I said, taken aback, “what is this? I thought you were on my side.”
“First, what side ? Who is at war? You and Simone? There is no war there. The woman left Gwen and maybe wants to meet her, which you get to decide when and where. You get to decide if or when she meets her birth grandparents, and let me tell you, being a grandma is the best thing I’ve ever done. So those people are going to dote on her left and right. So who are we against exactly? Because the way I see it, you’re fighting against your own happiness and winning.”
“I’m great at winning.”
“My God. I’m gonna smack you upside the head regardless of if your daughter sees.” She pushed her graying hair out of her face, huffing more than I had ever seen. “You know what your problem is?”
I laughed. “Enlighten me.”
“You’re so afraid of finding true happiness, you sabotage yourself any chance you get. This thing with Charlotte—”
“Stop.” Just hearing her name caused my entire body to tense. “This is what’s best.”
“Says who? Did she say that?”
“I know it.”
“Because you speak for her? Is this how you’re going to raise your daughter, that her voice and opinion don’t matter because some man makes the decision for her? Charlotte just went through it with the coaching job, and you’re doing it to her too.”
“That’s not true.” I narrowed my eyes, her accusation pissing me off.
“How is it different?” She narrowed her gaze, fire behind her familiar eyes. “Did that athletic director not tell her he thought she didn’t want the job enough? He spoke for her. And now you. You think this is better without consulting her.”
“What can I offer her? An endless saga of Simone coming in and out of our lives without reason? Cancelled date nights because my daughter will always come first?”
“You’re assuming a lot of things, Hayden, and I just… don’t know what your dad and I did wrong for you to view yourself this poorly.” She stepped back, placing a hand on her heart. She played the guilt card well. “You’re worth every risk. Every potential heartbreak. Every possibility. Charlotte knows this. She always has. She built you up, even when you were teenagers. You deserve to find love and have a partner who makes you better.”
“So what am I supposed to do then? I broke her heart. I heard her sob, Mom. It’s too late. I ruined it.” I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes, pushing until white spots danced behind them. An ember of hope blossomed. What if… no . “I made up my mind, Mom. I’m sticking with it. Charlotte won’t take me back.”
“Oh, there you go again, speaking for someone else.” She scoffed. “My job as your mom is to be there for you in any capacity, and I always will, whether I am there or in Arizona. I am your biggest supporter for the rest of my life, and I don’t take this responsibility lightly. That means calling you out when you’re being a total idiot. Right now? You’re being an idiot, and I didn’t raise a fool. Figure your stuff out and fix this, because I cannot take any more mopey Hayden. I’m sick of him.”
I snorted. “Feels like you’ve been waiting for this speech for a little bit.”
“I practiced with your dad last night.”
“You did great. Very effective. Eight out of ten for sure.” I stared up at the ceiling, the flickering fluorescent lights and faint smell of cleaner grounding me. Never thought I’d have an epiphany in a jungle gym FaceTiming my mom and surrounded by ten other toddlers.
Or get handed my ass by my mom.
“I love you. You’re a good man. I wish you viewed yourself how others do, but that’s an issue only you can fix.” She sighed before smiling at me. “Now you have a chance at the rehearsal dinner tonight. Use it.”
Tension worked its way around my neck, the ever-present ache throbbing. “Christian—”
“Wants you happy. Wants Charlotte happy. Stop finding excuses.”