Chapter Twenty-Nine Charlotte
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHARLOTTE
M y brother was getting married, and I was sneaking swigs of vodka in the closet of the rehearsal dinner restaurant. We were not the same. Did I enjoy being like this? No. Was I proud? Absolutely not.
Yet I couldn’t stop the sting in my eyes or the pit in my stomach. Both annoyed me. If only I could box my feelings up and store them on a shelf, deep in the back, where I could ignore them. I wished I could ignore the hit-by-a-truck feeling or the kinda-wanna-cry-at-everything urge that I’d been plagued with since Tuesday.
I sure as heck didn’t plan on ending the fall semester with a professional broken heart and a real one. I glanced up at the ceiling, blinking away the onslaught of tears threatening to fall.
No. Today was about joy, damn it. I was joyful!
The rehearsal dinner was set to start in thirty minutes, and I’d have to see Hayden.
It’d been five days since he wanted to take a step back . Who even said that?
The pain refused to leave, taking root and growing larger by the hour. After having numerous happy hours with my friends, it wasn’t clear why this hurt so much. Obviously, I loved him. I had for years, so this wasn’t exactly new. But now that I had felt what it could’ve been between us, it gave me a snapshot of the life I wanted, and then he yanked it away out of fear.
Fear was the only explanation. He’d stared at me like I was his world and touched me like he loved me. But love wasn’t enough. I’ve seen enough movies and read enough books to know being in love or caring about someone wasn’t sufficient to have a happy ever after. The hardest part of heartbreak is the potential.
My horribly messy feelings were like pasta, all intertwined and stuck together where one end joined with a beginning. Was I heartbroken about the job? Yes.
But Hayden was worse.
What if we made it work and were so happy?
What if Gwen was happy to have me in her life?
What if I made him happy and helped him carry his burdens?
None of it mattered, and shutting down the lingering emotions seemed impossible. Sniffing, I took another drink of the vodka Sprite and smoothed down my dark green dress.
We had rented out the hotel restaurant, and they had decked it out with wreaths and lights. It reminded me of the resort and all the memories that came with that. I breathed in the smell of pine trees and a fireplace and straightened my shoulders.
Did Penny and Christian require all family and the wedding party to wear red and green? Sure did. I looked like a fancy Christmas tree, while my mom wore an elegant red dress that matched my dad’s tux. We were utterly, without shame, ridiculous. I had it better than Garrett though. He was assigned to dress up as Santa, beard and wig and all. His obnoxious ho ho ho s could be heard across the entire restaurant, but I had to hand it to him. He played the part well.
Old Me would’ve eaten this up. The gingerbread men on the tables, the cutout snowflakes dangling with twinkle lights from the ceiling. The place looked magical.
My phone buzzed with a familiar area code. It was Christmas Eve, so the timing was a little strange, but I answered. “This is Charlotte.”
“Hi, Charlotte. I apologize for the call on a holiday, but I figured this would be a great gift,” a professional yet friendly male voice said.
“Love the positivity, but who is this?”
The man cackled. “It’s Mitch, the junior high athletic director.”
“Oh, hi, Mitch.” My stomach swooped in the horrible, missed-a-step-and-almost-fell-to-your-death kind of way. I slammed the drink down on the floor, like he could see me right now. “Uh, what can I do for you?”
“Be the softball coach at the junior high. Start the program for us. Create a dynasty of young players. We host clinics every summer for young players, but we have no oversight. It’s parents running it, and it’s a mess. You impressed the hell out of me at your interview, and Peter… well, he’s missing out. I couldn’t be sure we had the opening yet, but I found out today. Be our coach. Let’s make the best softball program in central Illinois.”
“You want me… to be your coach?” I asked, breathless.
“Yes. If you’re still interested.”
“Yes! Yes!” I screamed, the joy overtaking me to the point that I jumped into the air. “I would love to do this with you, Mitch. Ah! Thank you. I could… yes. We could start a summer camp for the girls and have the older girls run it, and—”
He laughed. “This is why I wanted to hire you. You have the passion and vision to build something long term. I saw your plan and how you can certainly do this successfully. I want to build something special for our young female students, and you’re the person to partner with on this.”
“Thank you, Mitch.” I closed my eyes, smiling like a total goober in the closet of a restaurant. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know, Charlotte. Now, sorry to interrupt your family time.”
“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m not—We’re good. This is better.”
He laughed. “Holidays with the family overwhelming?”
“Something like that.”
“Merry Christmas, Charlotte. I’ll email you after break with the official offer, and you can stop by to talk.”
“Merry Christmas!” I replied, spinning in a circle and fist pumping the air. He hung up, and I let out a squeal as butterflies fluttered in my gut with anticipation. I’m going to be a coach.
I impressed him. Me. I would get to grow a program. He wanted to partner with me.
A horrible combination of a laugh-snort left my mouth as I squeezed my hands together. This was amazing. This was what I wanted. This was… perfect. I had to tell my family!
Bolting from the closet, I ran smack-dab into Garrett’s large frame.
“What the heck are you doing in there?” He rested a hand on my shoulder, balancing me.
“Why aren’t you at your post, Santa?” I fired back, the adrenaline causing my voice to come out way too loud and fast.
“Sometimes, Santas have to use the restroom. Don’t tell anyone though.” He winked before studying me. His white beard tilted to the side as he arched a brow. “What’s up? You have this… look on your face.”
“Garrett.” I jumped up and down and held his hand. “The junior high athletic director, the one on the interview panel, called me. He wants me at the junior high location. He wants to hire me as their softball coach!”
“No fucking way!” Garrett said, beaming. “This is great news, Char. Ah!”
“Right?”
He pulled me into a bear hug, walking backward toward the tables. “I need to use the bathroom and get back before Penny or Christian yells at me, but you need to tell everyone. I’m so happy for you, Char. You deserve this.”
“Tell us what?” Christian appeared out of nowhere. His burgundy suit complemented Penny’s dark green dress, and she too slid her arm into his as she frowned at me.
“What’s going on? Why is Santa not at his post?”
“Bathroom,” I said, a little breathless. “But I just got a call and…”
“And what?” Christian jumped in, impatient as always. “Are you alright?”
“The junior high athletic director wants me to take over the youth softball league and coach at the junior high level. He wants me to create the program!”
A chorus of hell yeah s echoed in the entrance to the restaurant. The noise caused my mom to pop her head into the foyer. “What are we celebrating?”
“Charlotte was offered a coaching job at the junior high. Impressed the AD there so much, he wanted her for the role,” Penny responded for me.
“That’s my girl. See, everything happens for a reason.” My mom yanked me into a hug before hollering for my dad. “Come over here, hon. You gotta hear this news.”
It was a cuddle puddle. Hugs and congrats and back pats and squeezes. My eyes watered again, some combination of happiness and gratitude for this bunch. They were my rocks, through good and bad, and I was so dang grateful for them.
Sniffing, I squeezed my parents tight before pulling back. “Okay, I can’t become a full mess.”
“You’re not a total mess, Char.” Penny grabbed my hand. “I’m taking her to the bathroom to clean her up.”
“That implies I’m a mess,” I joked.
“You have raccoon eyes.” Christian smiled at me, pride beaming from his face. “You’re a beautiful trash panda.”
“Don’t call your sister a trash panda, Christian Michael,” my mom scolded him like we were kids again.
Rolling her eyes, Penny guided me toward the ladies’ room, when my skin tingled in a very different type of way. Awareness. The thud of my heart grew louder and louder, racing in my ears as I sucked in a breath.
Hayden walked into the restaurant wearing his glasses, and his gaze landed right on me. I was not prepared for the impact of seeing him. I knew he’d be here tonight. Of course he would be. He was Christian’s best man. The pang in my chest ached.
He wore an emerald-green sweater over a collared shirt, and his posture was relaxed. How unfair.
His lips curved up in a slight smile as he stared at me.
My stomach flip-flopped.
How dare he seem happy and smile at me?
Penny pulled, forcing me to go to the right as I ducked my head. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be but definitely not with raccoon eyes.
“Girl.” Penny closed the bathroom door. “I’ve been patient. I’ve been kind. I’m sick of it. Tell me what’s going on with Hayden.”
I laughed as I grabbed a tissue to wipe under my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Bull-freaking-shit.” She hopped onto the counter despite the sign that read NO SITTING ON COUNTERTOP . “Hayden told me there was something last weekend when I was barfing my brains out in the bathroom. Do not lie to me, Charlotte Renee. He seemed so smitten and happy?”
“Hayden ended it.” My throat tightened. I sniffed, and Penny ran a hand over my back.
“Why? It’s clear to everyone you love each other. You’ve kinda danced around it for years, and we all thought, Maybe next year .”
“Sure. We might, but he ended it.” I wiped under my other eye, removing evidence of the eyeliner gone wild. “With Gwen’s mom coming back into the picture, he wanted to take a step back because it’s complicated. I offered to support him in any way, but I can’t force him to be with me, you know? He made his choice. I have to deal with my heart on my own.”
“Hm.” She frowned. “Pregnant brides can get away with crime, yeah?”
I snorted. “Probably, but please, I just want to survive tonight and get through the wedding.”
“ Survive my wedding? No. No ma’am. This will be the event of a lifetime. You will have fun and drink for me since I have this boring lemon water instead.”
“You feeling okay though?”
“I’m having the best night of my life. Do not worry about me. You focus on having fun, because we’re going to talk about this the rest of our lives.”
“Yeah, no pressure.” I snorted. I smoothed my outfit down and adjusted my hair. I looked okay. A little sad, but I was working on that. I could channel all my energy into preparing for the summer youth program and starting at the junior high next fall.
“Look at me, sis.”
Her words warmed me. She would officially be my sister-in-law, but she always felt like more than that.
“Men can be idiots. They mean well, but it takes them longer to do things. We love them for it, but Hayden is having a dumbass moment. I can feel it in my bones.”
“Could be true, but he broke my heart.” I glanced at the ground. “He’s always pushed me away, then drew me back in. I don’t know if I can survive that again.”
Penny hugged me hard, her arms digging into my back to the point that I winced. I couldn’t break the hug though. She was intense and got what she wanted.
“We’re going back out there, and I’m getting you a drink. I need your speech to be incredible tonight.”
“It is. Don’t worry.” I laughed at the wild look in her eye. “Hey, please don’t tell Christian. I kept this from him intentionally because I don’t want him being angry at Hayden. Hayden needs his best friend right now.”
“You’re too good for this world, babe. Too damn good.” Penny held the door open and ushered me through. She smacked my butt and said, “Only smiles around him. Make him weep.”
I laughed and had to admit that she made me feel a little bit better. Penny was awesome and loved everyone with her whole heart.
Guests trickled in the main door as jazzy, instrumental Christmas songs played on the speaker. If Hayden approached me, I could handle it.
But first, I needed a peppermint drink, which meant stopping at the bar pronto. The bartender was helping another guest, some older woman that I didn’t know, before approaching me. I ordered something minty.
“Could you make two of those, please?” a familiar, deep voice said behind me.
Goose bumps broke out over my skin. Hayden.
My dress felt too tight, and my mouth dried up. What would I say to him? Talk about the weather? Oh, it’s so cold outside, does your chest hurt every time you breathe? Sure. Super normal.
He clearly was doing fine, where I was a mess.
“Charlotte.”
He used his sexy, slow drawl. I bit the inside of my cheek before facing him. He leaned one elbow on the bar, his other hand resting at his side. He smelled so damn good, and those glasses were making my knees weak.
I arched a brow. “Hey.”
“You look beautiful.” His gaze roamed up and down my body. “Incredible, actually.”
“Thanks.” I provided a tight-lipped smile, proud of myself for holding it together. “You look fine too.”
“Fine?” His lips quirked. “Stop, you’re being too kind.”
I hated that he was funny and teasing. I hated that he looked at me with warmth in his eyes. I gripped the bar and took a breath. “What do you want?”
“Baby, don’t—”
“Don’t you dare baby me.” I glared at him as I whispered. “You broke my heart. The pieces aren’t back together.”
“Could we talk? Just for a moment? Please?”
He looked upset, but that didn’t matter. Stay strong, Charlotte.
“No. You had all week to call me. I want to get through tonight without crying, Hayden. That’s it.” My eyes watered, and my voice shook. “I’m always going to care about you and Gwen, and I’m still planning on watching her in January until you find a nanny. Just… I need more time before we talk.”
He blinked and swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Charlotte.”
“Here’s your drink!” The bartender slid my drink toward me, and then one toward Hayden.
I took it and ran from him. I didn’t care if I was being a coward. He couldn’t say baby to me like that anymore or tell me I looked incredible. And what the heck was this timing? He couldn’t do this… any other possible time?
“Aunt Lotte! Aunt Lotte! Look at my dress!”
Gwen. My heart clenched. I loved that girl with everything, and here she was, wearing a wild Christmas dress with every color imaginable as she ran right toward me. She wrapped her arms around my legs, and I crouched down to pick her up. “Hi, girlie.”
“I miss you. I want to play again.” She stared up at me. Her chubby cheeks and little gap between her teeth were just too cute.
“I miss you too, sweetie.” I kissed the top of her head, my chest aching so hard I wanted to throw up. “I love your dress.”
“Thank you. Gigi got it for me.”
“Your Gigi is a smart woman.” I bopped her nose before setting her down. I refused to let her suffer any of the effects from her dad and me, even if it killed me.
“Sit with us! Sit with me and Daddy. Please? We can talk about school.”
“Ah, well, honey—”
“Christian put us at the same table.” Hayden clenched his jaw as he ran a finger over his eyebrow.
He’s nervous. Good.
“Okay.” I nodded. “That’s great news, Gwen. I can sit by you!” And try not to have a breakdown. Yay for me!
“My daddy is sad. Are you sad?”
Your daddy did this to us.
“I’m happy I get to see you tonight.” I tickled her side and avoided staring at her father. His gaze was a constant weight. “Want to play I spy?”
“Yes. Yes. I go first?” She skipped toward the table.
I followed her. Hayden followed me.
A warm, soft touch landed on my lower back, and I froze. Hayden had touched me.
“Please, could I have five minutes tonight? I need to talk with you.” He leaned forward so his breath tickled my neck. I was pretty sure he got that close intentionally.
He ran his nose against my ear. Yeah. That was intentional. He smelled me.
My eye twitched. “Hayden, stop.”
“I miss you. I messed up. I fucked up.” His voice lacked his usual confidence. “I’m here to plead my case.”
“Case for what? Forgiveness?” I whispered.
“To getting you back.”
I faced him, our mouths not even a foot apart. Hope and anger twisted together, unraveling as each fought for dominance. Did I dream of this? Yes. Did I want this? Yes. Could I forgive him? Ye—maybe.
His lips parted, his eyes staring so deeply at me, like he tried to find my soul, as he gently ran his fingers over my hand. “I love—”
“Aunt Lotte! Look!” Gwen pulled on my dress, forcing me to glance at her. The distraction saved me from whatever Hayden was going to say.
He loved what? Baseball? His daughter? Being unhappy?
Me?
No. No. No. He wouldn’t have done what he did if he loved me. People didn’t do that.
Dinner would be served in a few minutes, but my stomach ached with turmoil. How could I eat when I was having a full-on quarter-life crisis? One just didn’t digest normally with all their insides raging.
“Santa is here!” Gwen squealed. The girl spun in a circle four times before I righted her.
“Hey, don’t make yourself dizzy, baby girl. You want to go say hi to him before we eat?”
“Yes, please. Daddy, can we? Please?”
“Of course.” Hayden held out his hand, smiling the warm, fuzzy grin I loved. It was the softening of his features and the utter happiness on his face that had made me fall for him.
Becoming a father had changed him for the better. Some people found themselves with parenthood, and Hayden was one of them.
He guided Gwen up to Santa right next to the main entrance of the restaurant. Garrett winked at me when I caught his eye, and I smiled. He patted his knee, and Gwen jumped onto him, her mouth moving a mile a minute as she discussed everything she wanted. I’d heard the extensive list… before I stopped going over there.
She wanted a bubble machine. A water machine. Marshmallows. A sleepover. A pool party. The Grinch. And a Lego set. I wondered how Hayden managed to handle all of that. What even was a water machine? Smiling, I sat down. I counted the poinsettias in the center of the table instead of watching Gwen and Hayden. His laughter carried toward me, same with Gwen’s. Hearing them happy made me happy, even if it was at the cost of my pain.
I took a sip of my drink and said to heck with it. Hayden wanted me back. I could hold on to my hurt or hear what he had to say.
Who are you kidding? You’ll forgive him. Just like last time.
His phone buzzed on the table, an unknown number popping up. I silenced it. It went off again, this time with his mom’s name. It happened again, and without overthinking it, I answered. “This is Hayden’s phone.”
“Charlotte?” his mom’s warm voice said. “I’m so glad you answered, honey. He’s been a mess without you. Please forgive his temporary blip of idiothood.”
My eyes prickled, and I smiled. “I’m weighing my options.”
“Excellent. Make him sweat a bit. He deserves it.”
I snorted. I had always loved his mom. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. We haven’t really talked, but I saw you called twice, and I didn’t want you to worry. He’s with Santa so Gwen can sit on his lap.”
“That makes sense for the Calhouns to have a Santa at the rehearsal dinner.”
“My thoughts too.”
“Could you tell him to call me when he can? Nothing worrying, but we’re stuck in an airport and won’t get in until way later.”
“I’ll tell him as soon as he gets back.”
“Thanks, hon. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon.”
She hung up, and I meant to set his phone down. I really did. I wasn’t the spying kind or nosy in other people’s business. Yet… my contact name was left opened. And with it was my cell, both personal and work emails, and notes.
Lines and lines of notes about me.
Left-handed—give her outside of the booth
Cries at rom-coms
Ghirardelli hot chocolate is her favorite. Marshmallows.
Loses her mind when “Get Low” comes on
Favorite singer is Taylor Swift
Dream vacation: Italy
Pepperoni when from local spot, pineapple at chains
Will stop and stare at clouds. Loves weather stuff.
Has a secret talent of baking for those she cares about.
Chocolate when sad, wine when upset
Likes to wear colorful socks. They never match.
Is the worst organizer.
Is the queen of GIFs and memes.
Birthday: March. Loves personal presents. NO GIFT CARDS.
Dogs over cats.
Does the worm when challenged.
Eyes light up when she talks about those she loves.
With my heart in my throat, I swiped away and went to my brother’s contact. I had to know if this was everyone or just me. My pulse raced, my fingertips weighing ten pounds due to adrenaline. I needed this to be just me. I needed it so badly. You didn’t keep a list like this if you didn’t truly love someone. I clicked on Christian, and my eyes darted to the notes section.
June birthday.
Corona.
That was it.
Hayden knew me, had paid attention for years, and wanted me back.
I just had to decide what to do about it.