Chapter Twenty-Two Emma
What have I done?
Our traditional Christmas brunch is a blur as conversations go on all around me, and my parents’ amazing cooking feels sour in the pit of my stomach.
Christmas is supposed to be a day of cheer and celebration with loved ones, but all I can think about is how disappointed my family would be in me if they found out what I did last night.
As if I don’t feel like the black sheep enough already.
My brothers have never made me feel like an outcast on purpose, and I’m pretty sure this would make them hate me. Out of everyone in the world, I slept with their best friends. Their brothers since childhood.
How can I expect them to be fine with that?
“Emma, you’ve barely touched your food,” Mom says from across the table. “Are you not feeling well?”
My face burns from anxiety as all eyes move to me. I shouldn’t be drawing attention to myself like this, but I can’t stop internally freaking out about last night. A fantasy that I’ve had in my head for weeks became reality, and we can’t take that back.
We can’t change the past.
“I’m okay. Just tired,” I reply before forcing myself to eat a large bite of mashed potatoes and gravy. My stomach churns in response.
Max’s hand brushes my leg under the table as he sits to my left. His eyes briefly flicker to mine, and I can see the concern in them.
As much as I want to hold his hand and ground myself, Ethan is literally right next to me. If he sees, he’ll absolutely flip. I can’t risk it, so I keep my eyes on my plate and continue eating.
“Since everyone else is done, how about dessert?” Mom asks as she stands.
Murmurs of agreement sound around the table, prompting her to head into the kitchen and return with her legendary pound cake and apple pie. Dad slices into them and hands out pieces on small plates as the conversation about Ethan’s odd patient from last week picks back up.
I almost deny a slice of apple pie, but that’ll really make me seem suspicious. It’ll probably hurt my mom’s feelings too, and I definitely don’t want to do that on the holidays.
By the time I’m done with all of my food, I’m too sick to my stomach to enjoy a mimosa, forcing myself to stick with water and a peppermint. I want to retreat to my childhood room and take a breather, but it’s time for presents, and Mom already has her camera out and ready like we’re kids again.
We all gather in the living room, lounging on the long sectional as a video of a crackling fire plays on the television. Their Christmas tree is so large that it nearly makes the whole living room glow bright and golden, and there’s enough wrapped presents under the tree to make any child giddy.
“Josh, you play Santa this year!” Mom volunteers him.
Josh hops up and approaches the tree, looking as casual and happy as usual. I don’t know how he’s putting on such a good show, especially after the things that he said to me last night when he had his fingers buried in my hair. “This one is for Ethan.”
The sound of my brother’s name is a jarringly sobering thought.
As Ethan gushes over some fancy new digital watch, Ryan leans toward me from my left. “You’re being too stiff.”
I flash him a warning look as Andrew sits to my right.
Ryan’s jaw tenses a degree as our eyes meet. There’s so much that he wants to say, but he can’t speak a word of it right now.
“Emma, this one is for you,” Josh says, making my eyes snap away from Ryan. He stands in front of me with a rectangular box wrapped in red and white wrapping paper. “It’s from me and the guys.”
My eyes widen in surprise as I take the gift from him. I glance over at Max, who’s on the far side of the sectional away from me, seeing a small smile on his face. I kind of wish I could open this with just them, but I quickly remember that other eyes are on me.
“Oh, wow. Thank you,” I reply with a light smile before tearing off the paper to reveal the newest edition of the tablet that I use for work and personal art. My jaw drops as I lift my eyes to Josh, who grins in satisfaction. “This is like $3,000. You bought this for me?”
Ethan and Andrew exchange glances. I know those looks. They're working backward in their heads, calculating intent. This wasn’t just a thank-you gift—it was personal. Too personal.
“$3,000? Damn, that’s kind of an expensive gift,” Andrew comments as he shares a surprised look with Ethan.
I feel Ryan stiffen a little beside me as Josh merely shrugs. They didn’t think getting me such a big gift would look odd?
“This update wouldn’t have been the success that it is without her help,” Josh replies as he looks at my parents and my brothers. “This is more than just a Christmas present from us. It’s a thank you for all the hard work you put into this project.”
His words touch me deeply, making my heart ache as I gaze down at the expensive drawing tablet. They even got the right brand. They pay attention.
They care.
I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “Excuse me—I need a minute.”
I slip into the kitchen, trying to breathe through the sudden wave of emotion.
“I’m so sad you won’t be working together anymore,” Mom says, leaning against the door frame. “I don’t know what Emma is going to do now. I don’t think she really knows either.”
My eyes dart to her. “Mom, I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
Mom frowns at me. “I was just saying. Maybe they know someone looking for an artist.”
“Graphic designer,” I reply in a clipped tone, my embarrassment cutting into my patience. I don’t want to talk about how I’ll be temporarily out of a job at the end of this contract. “I do more than just draw things.”
“She didn’t mean anything bad by it, honey,” Dad speaks up from the next room. “We’re just worried about you. That’s all.”
I know that they care about me, but I’m a grown woman. All of their concern makes me feel like they don’t even believe in me. I’ve been successful for this long, but that still doesn’t stop them from worrying that I’ll fail.
It stings.
I step back into the room, my need for a private moment clearly failed.
“She’ll easily land another client after us,” Ryan says as he sits up a little. Maybe no one else can hear it, but I can sense the defensiveness in his voice. “She deserves a little break, though. We’ve been working her hard.”
“Very hard,” Max adds. “I’m sure her email will be full of people wanting to work with her after the holidays.”
“We were lucky to snag her for December,” Josh says with a light laugh. “She’s very sought after.”
I give them stiff smiles, but I wish that I could tell them to stay quiet. They’re just being nice defending me, but it makes me feel even smaller. “Anyway—”
“But it would be so nice if she could settle somewhere for more than a few months. Or at least work with the same client for more than a few months! I can barely keep up with my own daughter because she’s always all over the place,” Mom says as her hand rests on her chest like her heart aches.
“I’m not all over the place,” I tell her, wishing that she would listen to me.
It’s like I’m stuck in a glass box, and no one can hear what I’m saying through the walls.
“I told you that I’m looking for a big contract, but you have to give me some time.
I haven’t even gotten my last payment for this job! ”
“I just want to know what you’re doing next,” Mom replies, giving me a perplexed look like I’m not making any sense by being upset.
“She’ll tell us when she knows,” Andrew says. “But it’s the holidays. It’s time to relax and spend time with family, not worry about work.”
“Yeah, I’m doing everything I can to forget about work today,” Ethan adds. “The holidays end tomorrow for me.”
“Well, I didn’t mean to make a fuss,” Mom says as her brow furrows in disappointment. “I just want to make sure my kids aren’t in trouble.”
I part my lips to defend myself further, but my shoulders sink as my spirit deflates. Honestly, I don’t have the energy to defend myself, and I just want this conversation to end.
“I’m going to get some champagne,” I mutter before heading back to the kitchen. Maybe this will take the edge off because I’m sick with stress at this point.
Between my parents needing to know every future move that I’m going to make and the guys and I having to keep last night a secret from my overprotective brothers, I’m about to crack under the pressure, and we haven’t even made it through opening presents.
Christmas isn’t what I expected it to be, but I guess I can say that about the entire month of December.
I wasn’t supposed to get attached to my brothers’ best friends. I wasn’t supposed to want them the way that I do, and I certainly wasn’t supposed to act on my desires.
But here I am, stuck in the guilty aftermath of my actions. I don’t regret last night, but I hate how something I loved so much could ruin my relationship with my brothers.
Why do things have to be so painfully complicated?
With my drink in my hand, I head back into the living room and take my seat as Josh hands out more presents. Our eyes meet every so often, but I don’t allow my gaze to linger. I can’t get lost in any of their eyes today.
I can’t lose control again.
Even if that’s what would take away the pain that I feel. Just for a few moments at least until the consequences catch up to us.
Then all hell would break loose.