Chapter Twenty-Three Max
“It’s official. SyncUp has a new enrollment record!”
Scattered applause echoes throughout the office as Josh, Ryan, Emma, and I gather together one last time for Emma’s last day with us. It’s not an official workday because there’s no more work to be done, but we wanted her to come by one last time to tie up some loose ends.
And to say goodbye.
“I can’t believe the update is performing so well,” Emma says as she takes off all the Christmas decorations on her desk, leaving it empty and bare like it was before she arrived. “I mean, I knew it was a great update, but still.”
“A part of you is always concerned that it won’t do well,” Josh replies as he nods in understanding. “There was a sliver of me that was worried, but we worked too hard for it to be a flop.”
Ryan doesn’t say anything as he helps Emma roll up a strand of Christmas lights and tuck them away into a cardboard box. He hasn’t said much since Christmas, even in our text group chat.
Honestly, I don’t even blame him. We have a lot to celebrate because of the success of the update, but the holidays are over, and Emma doesn’t work for us anymore. Things are going to change, and I don’t know if it’ll be for the better or not.
We haven’t even talked about what happened a few nights ago. I can feel the tension in the air when we’re around each other. It’s on everyone’s mind, but no one has gotten the courage to say something first.
I don’t even really know what we would say. It’s not like our situation is a common one that has clear solutions.
“I’m proud of the work that we did,” I say as I perch on the edge of my desk, my eyes lingering on Emma as she tucks her hair behind her ears. She’s so beautiful that it’s devastating.
It destroys me that I can’t just go up to her and kiss her or even hold her hand without fearing for my health and safety. Her brothers will react that if they find out.
“Me too. We’re a hell of a good team,” Josh agrees, his tone becoming bittersweet. “I wish we could stay a team.”
Emma pauses for a moment before looking up at all of us. “So do I. I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t thank you guys enough for this opportunity. It’s the best project that I’ve ever worked on.”
“It came and went too fast, but it was my favorite project too,” I tell her as I give her a warm look. “We’re going to miss having you around the office. It’ll be lonelier without you.”
Ryan grows stiff as he drops a Christmas tree figurine into the box of decorations, his frown deepening. He still doesn’t speak.
Emma presses her teeth into her bottom lip and nods, looking as mournful as the rest of us. We should be happy and pumping our damn fists, but this is the end of something that we don’t want to say goodbye to.
The question is, how far does this goodbye extend?
“You could always come by and see us,” Josh points out. “You shouldn’t be a stranger.”
I expect her to at least smile and nod, but she doesn’t even do that. Instead, she sinks down into her office chair, looking smaller than usual. Like the weight of her sadness is crushing her.
“That might not be the best idea,” she says quietly.
Ryan turns to her. “Why not?”
Emma tenses in surprise when he suddenly breaks his silence. Her eyes meet his as she frowns. “Because I don’t trust myself around you guys when we’re all alone. Look what happened on Christmas Eve.”
And there it is.
Tense silence rings throughout the office as we all stare at her, waiting for her to keep speaking her mind. She obviously has a lot of bottled up thoughts that she needs to share. I think we all do.
“We can’t ever tell anyone what happened that night,” Emma says, attempting to make her voice sound firm, but it comes out shaky regardless. “If my brothers ever find out…”
“They’ll murder us in our sleep,” I mutter, already knowing that they’ll blow things out of proportion because they’re so protective of her. Honestly, I’ve always admired how fiercely her brothers protect her. But now that protection feels like a wall I can’t climb.
“Do you regret that night with us?” Josh asks her, sounding more vulnerable than I’ve ever heard him sound before.
Emma sighs and shakes her head, her eyes sinking to the floor. “I don’t, but… it can’t happen again.”
A shard of pain pierces my heart at the sound of those words.
Obviously, it makes sense that we don’t repeat the action that could get us in serious hot water, but it still hurts to know that our one night together was probably our last too.
I won’t ever kiss her again until we’re breathless, or feel her soft, bare skin against mine.
It was a one time thing. One night of pleasure. That’s it.
That’s all it can be because of circumstances that we can’t even control.
“It’s bullshit,” Ryan mutters.
“Ryan,” Josh says through gritted teeth. “It’s already hard enough. Don’t make it harder.”
Ryan shakes his head as he turns away from us and Emma, his jaw tensing as he holds back words that I can already guess are laced with anger.
Emma stands from her seat and places her hand on his back. “Ryan.”
Ryan doesn’t move or say a word. If he could snap his fingers and disappear, I’m sure he would do just that.
“I know it doesn’t sound fair, but it has to be this way,” Emma says, her voice wavering a little. “I loved being with you guys, but just think about what will happen if people find out. If my family finds out.”
Ryan slowly flexes his fingers, his back remaining tense under her hand.
“You guys and my brothers are so close. You’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember,” Emma continues as she remains behind him, trying to talk some sense into him. “You can’t throw that away. You can’t lose them.”
“I can’t lose you either,” Ryan replies. “I’m supposed to choose?”
“It’s not that simple,” Emma sighs as she pushes his shoulder, forcing him to turn around and face her.
“I already have a complicated relationship with my parents. If they find out about this, I would never hear the end of it from them. This might seriously hurt our relationship, and I don’t want that. I don’t think that I can handle that.”
Ryan narrows his eyes a degree, and I almost want to grab him by his shoulders and shake him. I know that he cares about her, but so do we. He has to do what’s right for her and accept her choice, even if it hurts like hell.
That’s what you do for people you love.
“We have to stop,” Emma says, her voice dropping down to a whisper like they’re sharing a secret. A secret that we all know. “This will only destroy everything around us. We can’t do that.”
Ryan quietly grinds his teeth as he stares at her, holding back so many words that he wants to say. He lets out a faint grunt that doesn’t confirm or say much of anything besides a weak acknowledgement of what she said. “I need to put the Christmas decorations up.”
Emma’s eyes trail him until he disappears, her shoulders immediately sinking. “You guys understand what I’m saying, though, right?”
“We do,” Josh replies as he crosses his arms over his chest. “We don’t want to jeopardize your relationship with your family, and we don’t want to lose our best friends. The only way to do that is to… pull back.”
Emma nods before grabbing the rest of her things off her desk and tucking them in the tote bag. Her eyes do one more sweep of her desk, heaviness in them.
I breathe through the ache in my chest as I realize that she’s about to leave for good. She probably won’t ever come back to this office again, and her desk will remain hauntingly empty. A painful reminder of what we lost.
Even if the night of Christmas Eve didn’t happen, this goodbye would still be painful. The truth of the matter is that if we hadn’t succumbed to our desires that night, it would’ve happened another night. It was bound to happen.
So, were we always meant to be torn apart too?
“I think that’s all of my things,” Emma says as she hangs the tote bag on her shoulder. “If I forgot anything, just give it to Ethan or Andrew. They’ll get it to me.”
Because she doesn’t want to be with us alone again. She doesn’t trust herself, and I can’t say that any of us are any stronger when it comes to self-control around her.
“Sure,” Josh replies.
Emma glances around and frowns. “I should probably head out.”
“He isn’t going to come back out until you leave,” I tell her, knowing that she’s waiting on Ryan. Knowing him, he’s standing in a closet somewhere, trying to gather himself.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Emma sighs. She starts to take a step toward Josh, but she pauses and decides against it. No goodbye hugs.
Too risky.
“Bye, Emma,” Josh tells her with a faint trace of pain in his eyes.
“Bye,” she replies with a sad smile.
Before she can give me a quick goodbye and dart, I step closer to her. “I’ll walk you to the elevator.”
Emma hesitates at first, but she nods. She keeps more distance than usual between us as we head to the elevator, her eyes remaining forward.
She isn’t acting like herself today. She hasn’t acted like herself since waking up Christmas morning, and it kills me to see her like this, knowing I’m part of the reason.
I wish I could make her feel better, but that would mean erasing a whole month of thoughts, feelings, and memories, and I can’t do that.
Even if I had the power to, I don’t think that I could bring myself to do it.
“I’m sorry,” Emma whispers as she rapidly blinks her eyes.
“Don’t be,” I reply, not wanting her to drown in her own guilt. It’s truly no one’s fault. She’s just strong enough to make the hard decision for all of us.
Truly, she has the most to lose.
Emma hits the down button next to the elevator door before turning to me. “Goodbye, Max.”
The thought of kissing her flashes through my mind, and I can tell that the same thought goes through hers as her eyes briefly stray to my lips.
“Bye, Em,” I tell her as the elevator door slides open.
Emma steps inside and turns around, her eyes locking with mine. It’s like she wants to say a thousand things, but she can’t get the words out. She won’t let herself get the words out.
Can we really pretend? Act like that night never happened? Act like we don’t feel something for each other?
Pressure builds in my chest as words rush to the tip of my tongue, but before I can say a single one of them, the elevator door slides shut.