6. Cooper
SIX
COOPER
I finished up the paperwork in the office and headed back out to the bar area just as the storm started ramping up again. It was worsening very quickly too, it seemed. The noise of the rain and howling wind was almost deafening on its own, but when you added in the loud claps of thunder—which seemed to be right on top of one another—it was complete auditory chaos. And it was honestly really starting to impact me. I felt like jumping out of my skin, I was so anxious, but I had to hold it together. I was pretty sure Gage wouldn’t judge me for being scared of a little thunderstorm, though. Hadn’t he said he didn’t like them either?
But this was not the kind of first impression I wanted to make on him. Although I knew this was technically not a first impression since we’d met before, this was the first time we’d really talked. It felt almost like we were on a first date, even though there hadn’t even been a hint of romance. We were only just now really getting to know each other. And this was not the kind of thing I wanted him to know about me. Not yet.
I quickly double-checked the state of the kitchen before continuing on to the bar area. As I suspected, the kitchen was still in perfect order from the work the previous shift did on it. When I rounded the end of the bar, Gage was just finishing wiping everything down behind it. He looked up and smiled at me, and he was so beautiful, it nearly stopped me in my tracks.
“All finished up back there?” I asked him.
“Just about. Trashed the empty beer bottles, washed and dried the glasses, and I’m just giving everything a final wipe down now,” he replied. “What’s next on the closing list?”
“There’s not much left. Just need to stack the chairs on the tables so we can push the dust mop through here, and that’s it. Unfortunately, I think we’re going to be done with all the closing duties well before this storm has blown through.”
“Which means one less thing to distract us from the tsunami outside our door?”
“Got it in one. I knew you were more than just a pretty face,” I teased him.
“Thanks,” he deadpanned.
Without prompting, we both began stacking the chairs onto the tables in surprisingly comfortable silence. But barely a few minutes into the task, a streak of blinding light shone through the front window followed by an ear-splitting boom that shook the ground. I was immediately thrown into battle mode, and I was back in that desert hellscape. I screamed at Gage to get down and dove under the nearest table. I was positive we would be hit by the next blast any second. I was in full-on fight-or-flight mode at that point.
My adrenaline levels were through the roof, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might explode, and my thoughts were positively racing. In my mind was a constant litany of, “We’re going to die. We’re going to die. We’re going to die.” I’d somehow wound up in a fetal position that I didn’t remember getting into, and I felt myself rocking back and forth. It was like I had no control over my own body. And I didn’t know where Gage was. Was he hurt? Was he dead? Oh, god, please don’t let him be dead. Please! I screamed for Gage, then just started chanting, “Please let him be ok. Please let him be ok.”
I felt strong arms grab me. And at first, I fought them, thinking I was being attacked. But then I realized it was Gage who had grabbed me, and I was overcome with relief. I felt all the excess adrenaline leave me in an instant, and I collapsed into his arms, shaking violently. All of a sudden, my chest felt impossibly tight, and I couldn’t get a good breath.
Panicked, I clutched wildly at Gage and met his eyes. “C-can’t breathe. H-help me. Help.” I was choking and wheezing, clutching my chest with one hand and holding tightly to Gage with the other. Was this a heart attack?
Gage held my gaze and spoke calmly to me, breaking through the panic a little bit. “Cooper, I think you’re having a panic attack. I need you to breathe, ok?”
I shook my head violently. “Can’t. Can’t breathe.”
“Yes, you can. Just trust me, ok? Do you trust me?”
I did trust him. I didn’t know why because I barely knew the man, but I instinctually knew I could trust him. I nodded my head.
“Good,” he said. “That’s good. Now, I want you to breathe with me. Just look in my eyes and do just what I do, ok?”
Again, I nodded.
“Ok, good. Just keep looking at me. Now, we’re going to take deep, slow breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. And we’re going to count to four with each breath. Like this.” He proceeded to demonstrate the breathing technique for me. “You ready?”
I just nodded at him yet again, and he smiled at me.
“Just follow me, ok? Here we go. Deep breath. In through the nose, and hold it for 1, 2, 3, 4. Out through the mouth, and hold it for 1, 2, 3, 4.”
I breathed as he did, though mine were quite a bit shakier. He seemed happy with my effort, though.
“Again. In through the nose. 1,2,3,4. Out through the mouth. 1,2,3,4.”
We did that several more times, until finally it became easier and easier to take the breaths. And I eventually began to calm down a bit. My heart was still racing, though.
“You’re doing great, Cooper. Now, we’re going to try something else, ok? It’s just an exercise to focus your mind, to help get you out of panic mode. Will you try it for me?”
“Y-yes, I’ll t-try,” I stammered out. At least it was a step above a head nod.
“That’s great. Now, I want you to look around and tell me three objects you can see. It can be literally anything, any kind of object at all. As long as it’s something you can see, you can call it out. Go on, Cooper. Tell me three objects you can see right now.”
I looked around and tried to focus my mind, but it was difficult.
“Come on, Cooper. What’s the first object you can see?” he asked me.
“You. I see you.”
“Good, that’s good. Now, is there anything more specific about me that you can see? An object?”
“I can see your shirt.”
“Perfect.” He smiled reassuringly at me. That’s two objects. Do you see anything else? Maybe an object that doesn’t involve me?”
I looked around. There wasn’t much to see sitting underneath the table as we were. Then it came to me. “Oh, the table leg. I can see the table leg.”
“Excellent,” Gage praised. “You’re doing so well. Now, tell me three things you can hear. You can do this.”
“I can hear your voice, and I can hear the rain outside.”
“That’s perfect. That’s two. Can you hear anything else?”
I had to really think about it before it came to me. “The wind. I can hear the wind outside.”
“That’s right. Fantastic, Cooper. You’re doing wonderfully. Now, last thing. I want you to move three body parts, one at a time. I don’t expect you to move them all at once or anything. Trust me, it’s not one of those ‘pat your head while you rub your stomach’ things. Just choose a body part and move it. Go ahead and try it for me, ok?”
I nodded and looked down at my crumpled form on the floor. “I can move my right hand.” I lifted the hand and shook it out, trying to relax it. My whole body felt on the verge of cramping up.
Gage was thrilled with my effort. “Great job. What’s next?”
I took the easiest route and picked my left hand. I shook it out just like I had done with my right hand. Before he could ask about the third body part, I said, “And I can move my neck.” I rolled my neck from side to side, trying to relieve the tension there. It actually did help a bit.
“You did so good, Cooper. Tell me how you’re feeling now. Can you breathe easier?” he asked.
I nodded. “I can, yes. I’m still a little shaky, but I don’t feel like I’m going to die anymore. So that’s good.”
He smiled at me, and I swear the warmth of that smile could have rivaled the sun. “That is good. It’s very good. And are you feeling a little calmer now?”
“I am, thank you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here.”
“I’m really glad I was here. I don’t want to think about you having to deal with this alone.” A little hesitantly, he asked, “Do you get these sorts of panic attacks often, Cooper?”
When I didn’t immediately answer, he started backpedaling and saying, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s really not my business. I don’t want to pry into your personal?—“
I interrupted his attempt to sooth my non-existent ruffled feathers.”Gage, it’s fine. I don’t mind telling you. I actually don’t get them very often. They’re pretty rare for me, actually… which is why I freak out so much when I do have them. I don’t know how to handle them. And I don’t always recognize them as panic attacks. My mind thinks it’s some sort of medical emergency, and I totally freak out. Thank you so much for helping me through that. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”
“I was happy to help, honestly. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”
I smiled at him, though it was admittedly a little wobbly. “I am. I’m not 100%, but I’m getting there.”
“I’m going to ask you something, Cooper. And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. We don’t have to talk about it all if you don’t feel up to it.”
“Oooookay. You’re making me a little nervous here. What do you want to ask me?”
“Can you tell me what might have triggered this particular panic attack? I’m pretty sure it was that horrifically loud boom that shook the ground. I know it scared the shit out of me. I must have jumped a foot when I heard it. What I don’t understand is why that triggered you the way it did. Can you explain it to me? Do you feel up to doing that?”
His face was so full of genuine concern for me. How could I not tell him? “Um, yeah. It was definitely the extremely loud noise that triggered me. What do you think that was?”
“I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing lightning probably struck one of the trees out in front of the bar. It’s the most likely scenario, I think.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right about that. As to why it triggered me, that’s definitely a longer answer. I told you that my parents died when I was ten and my grandparents raised me from then on, right?”
“Yes, you did tell me that. And you also told me how wonderful they were.”
“Oh, they absolutely were. All in all, they gave me an incredible childhood. And growing up in Ashwood was downright idyllic, if a little boring. I loved my grandparents, and I loved the town of Ashwood. Still do. But as a teenager growing up here, I dreamed of bigger things. I thought I was meant for more than this small town where everybody knows your business and you know theirs. I found it a bit stifling. I couldn’t wait to leave and start my exciting life. So, as soon as I graduated from high school, I enlisted in the Army. I actually went in on my nineteenth birthday, which my grandparents were not happy about.”
“I would imagine not.” Gage chuckled. “Knowing your grandfather the little bit that I do, I would venture to say that ‘not happy’ is a massive understatement.”
I joined him in his laughter. “You would be correct on that. And my grandmother was even worse. She could wield the parental guilt like nobody’s business. Honestly, she put Pop to shame. I knew it was out of love, though.” My eyes teared up a little at the thought of my grandmother. I’m not sure being without her will ever get easier. I can’t imagine how Pop even manages to function. Pure stubbornness, probably. That thought made me smile internally and helped me to shake off the grief enough to continue.
“And when I tested well enough on the ASVAB to get accepted into Ranger school, they were the first to encourage me and tell me I could do it. And wonder of all wonders, I actually made it through.”
“I’m not surprised by that at all. Pretty sure you could do anything you set your mind to, Cooper.” He gave me the sweetest smile then, and I smiled back a little sheepishly. I’ve never been the best at taking compliments, especially from men who are too damned sexy for their own good.
”Anyway,” I said, sure I was blushing, “I was assigned to an elite infantry unit with a great bunch of guys. I had been the youngest on the squad, and although they hazed the shit out of me, they also took me under their wing. They taught me how to survive out there in that desert hell, taught me you always have your brother’s back. No matter what. And you never leave a man behind.”
“You know, I clocked you for a soldier right off. But, Army Ranger? Damn, that’s impressive, Cooper. I bet your grandparents were proud.”
I had to chuckle at that. “Oh, yeah. Embarrassingly so. Of course, I couldn’t tell them anything about our missions, but that didn’t stop Pop from bragging about me to all his friends. I swear, every time he saw something on the news about some high-profile terrorists being arrested or killed, he’d just decide in his head that my squad was the one who did it, and I was likely the one who took the shot. It was sweet, but like I said, beyond embarrassing. He was kind of half right, though. If any of those had been our mission, I probably would have been the one to take the shot since I was a sharp shooter.”
“Well, Mr. Sharp Shooter Army Ranger, I’m glad you seem to like me. I sure don’t want to be on your bad side.”
“You’re in luck then, because these days I’m slinging drinks, not bullets. And I’m lucky I’m still here to be able to do it. The rest of my squad was not so lucky.”
“God, Cooper. I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. Is that how you hurt your leg? I noticed you have a slight limp.” He seemed almost embarrassed to mention the limp.
“Yeah, it is. It’s almost back to normal, now. But it’s been a long, hard road to get here. Every time I wanted to give up, though, I’d think about the guys in my squad, and I’d push myself that much harder. For them.” And there were so many times I did want to give up. But I couldn’t let my brothers down, not when I had this second chance that they would never have.
“Can I ask what happened, Cooper? And if it’s too hard for you, please don’t feel like you have to satisfy my curiosity.”
“No, I’ll tell you. Other than my therapist at the VA, I’ve never told anyone the full details of that day. I usually just give them the highest-level explanation of what happened… if I tell them anything at all.”
“I’m honored you would share your story with me. But, seriously, if it’s too much for you—especially after the panic attack and everything—you don’t need to tell me anything.” His face radiated concern and genuine empathy. Was it any wonder I was drawn to this man?
“I know, and I’m ok, I think. If I need to stop, I will. I promise.” He nodded at me, letting me know he trusted me to know what I could and couldn’t handle. The thought made my chest puff out a little to know he had that kind of faith in me. And that just made me want to tell him all the more.
“Before I start, though, can I ask you a favor?” I hesitantly asked him.
“Of course. Anything you need.” Oh my gosh, my heart. If this man only knew how much I truly needed from him.
“I think this will be easier if I’m not facing you when I talk about it. But I think I’m still going to need some support to get through it. I know this is a strange ask, and if it makes you uncomfortable—even a little bit—don’t feel like you have to do it. Really, the last thing I want to do is make you feel uneasy or?—“
Gage grabbed my hands and pulled them into his, putting a stop to both my rambling and the wringing of my hands, which I hadn’t even realized I was doing. He softly asked, “What do you need, Cooper? I promise nothing you do is going to make me uncomfortable. Whatever you need, it’s yours. Just ask me.”
I took a deep breath and looked into his beautiful hazel eyes, so full of caring and concern. And I knew he truly meant those words. And that gave me the strength to ask for what I needed.
“Can I just lean back against your chest while I tell you? Just for the support? You don’t have to actually hold me or anything. I just… What I mean is, you have such a strong presence, and I just really need to feel that at my back right now. Does that make any sense?”
“It makes perfect sense. And of course you can lean back against me. And I absolutely will hold you while you tell me. If you’re going back to that horrific day in your mind to tell me the story, the very least I can do is hold you through it. Now scoot over here to me and turn around.”
I immediately followed his command. Because there was no doubt in my mind that’s exactly what it was.
“Lean back against my chest and get comfortable.” Gage told me, with a look on his face that brooked no argument.
I did just that, and once I got settled in, I felt both of his strong arms encircle me in a firm but gentle hold. And my heart melted just a little bit for this wonderful man.
I took a deep breath, and drawing on Gage’s strength, I went back to that fateful day in my mind and started talking. “We were on a scouting mission that day. It should have been a relatively easy mission. All the previous reports on that area were good. The area was sparsely populated and relatively quiet. Of course we were still on our guard, but we weren’t really expecting any trouble. I was sitting in the front of the vehicle in the passenger seat—because I had bested Martinez in a thumb war for shotgun—and as we were driving down the road, I thought I noticed a flash of light in the hills off to our right. I was worried it might be a sniper, so I asked them to slow down so I could jump out and surveil the area. No way was I going to let some asshole sniper get a line on my brothers! But just as I was exiting the vehicle, the world exploded beneath me.” I felt Gage tense up, then tighten his grip on me. I appreciated the extra support. I had to just sit and breathe for a moment before I could continue.
“We had hit an IED that had been buried in the road. That road had been swept just two days prior because it was a route the Army used often, and it was frequently under surveillance. It should have been clear. But it wasn’t. It fucking wasn’t!” I felt Gage grab one of my hands and lace his fingers with mine. And just that gentle, caring touch allowed me to calm down and gave me the strength I needed to continue.
“Since I had already been mostly out of the vehicle, the blast from the IED blew me away from it with such force that I landed some fifty feet away. I landed hard, and the impact shattered my right leg. My femur was destroyed. I was bleeding heavily, and the bone was sticking out of my leg. I also had first- and second-degree burns across the back of my body along with a severe concussion.” I heard Gage mutter “damn” under his breath. Yeah, damn is right!
“But even with all of my injuries, I was the lucky one. Because I wasn’t trapped in that truck like the rest of my squad. Some of them I know were killed immediately. But some weren’t. They were trapped in that inferno burning alive. I could hear their screams. I still hear their screams. I’ve never in my life heard such guttural agony come from a person. It was primal. It’s not something I’ll ever forget. I tried multiple times to stand, but it was hopeless. So, I started crawling towards the truck. Actually, crawling is too generous a word for it. I was on my belly, using my arms to drag myself and my newly-ruined leg across the burning sand. And for long minutes, my brothers’ screams were drowned out by my own.”
“God, Cooper. That sounds positively horrific. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
I shrugged off the sympathy. “What I went through was nothing compared to my brothers. I don’t know what I thought I’d even be able to do once I got to the truck since I was no more useful than a damned slug at that point. I just kept hearing their screams. I knew they were inside that fucking truck burning alive, and the only thought in my mind was that I had to get to them. I was also worried that since someone had obviously placed that IED there within the last couple of days that they might still be in the area, just watching for something like this to happen. And if any of my brothers managed to make it out of that truck somehow, I didn’t want them to then be attacked by some crazy insurgent intent on making the evil American soldiers suffer. I’d lost my rifle in the blast, but I still had my sidearm. So, even if I could do nothing but drag myself over the ground, I could still fire my pistol and take a motherfucker out if necessary to keep my guys safe.” I thought I felt the faintest shudder go through Gage, and I could swear I’d heard him sniffle.
Gage spoke so softly, I almost couldn’t hear him. “No one made it out of the truck, did they?” I just shook my head.
“I managed to stay conscious until the medics came to get me. I tried to wave them off at first, telling them my guys needed them more. But they told me they were gone, and that I was badly injured and needed medical attention immediately. The last thing I remember before I passed out was seeing the fire crew working to put the fire out so they could retrieve the charred remains of my brothers—the best men I knew aside from Pop.” I had to stop to collect myself at that point. I wiped my eyes, not even realizing I’d started crying.
“You want to hear something crazy? As it turns out, they actually saved my life that day. One of them managed to get out a radio call right after the explosion, and that’s the only reason help arrived as quickly as it did. So, not only did I fail to save their lives, but I actually owed them for saving my miserable life. They were the true heroes… right to the end.”
I laughed coldly before continuing. “I couldn’t even attend any of their memorials because I was stuck in the damned hospital with my own injuries. I couldn’t even pay them the respect they deserved—the respect they’d all earned and paid for with their lives. I just felt so useless. Still do sometimes. They needed me to have their back, to save them, to do something, damn it!” I couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore, and they racked my body. Next thing I knew, Gage had turned my body toward him. And he’d somehow managed to pick me up off the floor, because I found myself cradled in his lap. He held my head gently against his chest, softly running his fingers through my hair as I cried.
I’m not exactly sure how long we stayed that way, but eventually I ran out of tears. I lifted my head from his chest and looked at the massive wet spot where my head had been.
“I ruined your shirt,” I said, my voice sounding just this side of whiny to my ears.
He just chuckled and said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got more. And it will wash, besides. It’s not like you ruined my favorite silk shirt with your tears or anything. Seriously, it’s all good.”
“Sounds like it’s stopped raining,” I said, wanting desperately to change the subject. I was so done with talking about me.
“Yeah, guess it has. I should probably get home then.” He sounded a little regretful as he said it. Or maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. After all, who would seriously want to stay after having to witness that shit show?
“Do you need a ride?” he asked. “I can drop you at yours if you want.”
“Nah, no need. I’m already home.” He looked at me quizzically, cocking his head to the side like a dog would, trying to get my meaning. So fucking adorable!
“You live at the bar?” he asked, incredulity clear in his voice.
I burst out laughing, and it felt really good after the heavy emotions of the night. “No, silly. I live in the apartment above the bar. So, like I said, already home.”
“Well, alright, then. Since we’re technically in your home, that makes you the host for the evening. So, get up and see your guest out. Walk me to the door?”
I rolled my eyes at him, and reluctantly pulled myself from his lap so I could stand. But before I’d even gotten halfway up, Gage had already hopped up off the floor and held his hand out to me to help me up. I took it, of course. What am I, stupid?
“Why, thank you, kind sir. Chivalry is surely not dead as long as Gage Holloway is around.”
He shoved me playfully in the shoulder as we walked to the door. I unlocked it and opened it up for him, expecting him to push right past me and head for his truck. Instead, he lingered close to me and caught my eye.
“Are you okay?” he asked me in a voice so soft with concern, it nearly broke my heart.
I smiled up at him and said, “I’m okay, really. I’m just wiped out. I think I’ll just grab a quick snack, then head to bed. I think my body could use the rest. And I could certainly use the beauty sleep. I can’t be expected to maintain my high standard of gorgeousness with these red-rimmed and puffy eyes, now can I?”
Gage chuckled and to my shock and utter delight, he bent down and kissed the top of my head before muttering, “Get some rest, gorgeous boy.” Then he was gone and headed straight to his truck.
I closed the door behind him and all but floated up to my apartment, transported by the magical power of the top-of-the-head kiss Gage had left me with. Le swoon.