11. Michael
When Sarah agreed to lunch with me, I thought we’d go out, but I let her pick the place, which led me to the hospital cafeteria with a group of nurses and residents. I reluctantly ordered an Italian sub and carried my sandwich and soda to the crowded table where she saved me a seat. She patted the chair and made space on the table between her and Tammy, who sat to the right of the empty chair. It wasn’t at all what I had in mind, which instantly put me in a foul mood, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and sat.
“How was your morning?” she asked as she unfolded the silver foil wrapper around her sandwich. The others seemed engaged in a conversation about another nurse who had just moved away, taking a job in Ohio to get away from the south and the warmer temps. I didn’t mind the warmth. It was the stagnancy that got me.
“Fine,” I said, setting my sandwich down. I knew my tone could use a little work, but I was disappointed by how things worked out.
Sarah stayed quiet, and I had no choice but to listen to Tammy and Wade going on. Tammy gestured with her arms as she spoke, which annoyed me every time she did it, but today, it was worse. Probably because I had hoped to have Sarah alone for some intimate time to chat about her weekend plans. After being called away the other night, I craved the time to just sit and talk with her.
“I can’t believe Nina just up and left. Who’d want to go to Ohio, anyway? It’s cold there.” Wade crammed a French fry into his mouth and shook his head. I’d had a few conversations with him in the past about my wanderlust and the desire to see the entire world. Wade was of the firm conviction that if the air was so cold it hurt your face, it wasn’t worth breathing.
“I guess the job paid really well, and they gave her a relocation stipend too.” Tammy turned to me and asked, “Whatever happened with that job offer in Toronto, Doc?”
The question made me bristle, as it was yet another proposition I’d passed up, though I had no real reason for passing on that one. I liked the city. When I went there to do the tour of the hospital, everything seemed perfect, like fate had ordained it, but it didn’t feel right. I stayed in Savannah and kept my current position. Then I spent one week each month for the next three months traveling to different countries to get my cabin fever out of my system. It didn’t fix my urge to get up and go, but it tempered the insane need for change and adventure.
“Just didn’t want it.” I stared at the wrapped sandwich in front of me on the table with a sour taste in my mouth. I knew their questions weren’t meant to be pushing my buttons, and they had no clue what they were making me feel, but it was frustrating all the same.
“Dr. Wanderer himself didn’t even pack up and move north, and he spent a week backpacking in Alaska in January last year.” Wade chuckled, and I winced at the memory—me, alone in the wilderness with a tour guide and a big gun to keep the bears scared away. It was the time of my life until I had to come back here.
“Yeah, well, he’s never leaving Savannah. He keeps turning down the tickets to paradise.” Tammy snickered and slurped her soda, and I felt my shoulders tightening. There was a reason I didn’t socialize with my coworkers, and this was it. It was none of their business what I did with my personal life. I didn’t even tell my parents, who were still living but otherwise busy with their own lives.
“I’ve been to Toronto. It isn’t exactly paradise,” Sarah said, breaking into the banter. She touched my leg with her leg beneath the table, and I felt warmth flood my body. It was kind of her to try to step in and appease the gossip hounds and get them off my back, but I’d much rather have had her to myself.
“Are you kidding?” Wade said, almost scoffing. “Lawson passed up two dream jobs—massive promotions he’ll never see a chance for again. And for what? He hates this city. He’s said so a million times. If you ask me, he’s a stick in the mud.”
“Ah, he’s not that bad.” Tammy reached over and ruffled my hair in a motherly way, and I scowled at her and pulled away, straightening my hair. “Poor little guy just has to believe in himself first.” She snickered, and Sarah sighed softly.
“Well, I believe in him,” she responded to Tammy, and she smiled at me. I felt myself staying calmer, more tethered to the reality that she was close and I wasn’t alone. It helped me not snap at them for their irritating comments, which I knew were all in good fun, but nonetheless, they annoyed me. On any other day, I’d have just blurted out something rude or sharp, but Sarah’s hand on my forearm was like a calming balm.
“Someone should,” Wade retorted back so quickly I couldn’t control what came out of my mouth.
“The way your mom believes in you, I’m sure.” When the words left my tongue, I felt the sting of them and kept my head down. Tammy chuckled at my dry comment, but Wade stood and carried his trash to the bin and walked out of the cafeteria. The table grew quiet for a moment, a lull in the conversation caused by what was supposed to have been a stab at sarcasm but ended up as an insult.
I felt Sarah’s hand on my knee beneath the table then and tried to relax. Tammy knew I had a problem taking jibes or being the butt of someone’s jokes, but that never stopped the gang from doing it. It was almost as if they enjoyed pushing my buttons and getting me going, but usually, they knew when to stop. It just so happened that this topic wasn’t one I was able to let roll off my back.
Thankfully, my phone rang and I was able to excuse myself so I didn’t have to tell them how badly I knew I”d put my foot in my mouth. “If you ladies will excuse me…” I stood without their acknowledgement and buried my shame beneath a placid expression. Sarah looked concerned, but I took my phone out of my pocket and showed her the screen as I walked away. Her expression softened, but she still looked as if she had something to say.
“Hello, Dr. Lawson.” I held the phone to my ear as I weaved between tables in the loud cafeteria, heading to the hallway where it was a bit quieter. I knew the instant the person on the other end of the line spoke that this wasn’t at all what I expected. I thought it was a patient or our nursing staff needing something.
“Dr. Lawson, so good to speak with you. My name is Dr. Deborah Packard from the Bane Cardiac Center at London General.”
My heart skipped a beat when she said her full title and from where she was calling. The Bane was only the largest and most prestigious cardiac center in all of the UK, and I had no clue how she’d gotten my number or why. Even when I’d gone through a phase of applying for jobs around the world, London had never been on my radar.
“Uh, yes. Dr. Packard, what can I do for you?” I glanced up the hallway at a few orderlies talking and turned my back on them, moving farther away. I didn’t ever want anyone overhearing any conversation I had, but this one felt secret somehow. Like no one should know that this woman had called me.
“Dr. Lawson, I was given your name by a colleague of mine out of Sacramento, California—Dr. Andrew Phelps. He said you had interviewed with him for a position in the Premier Health Network of Southern California previously but turned down their position. I am calling because we have a position opening up in the next few months that we think you may be perfect for.”
After twice turning down offers that were so spectacular I broke my own heart, it felt like a miracle to be given this offer. But London? I rubbed the back of my neck as tension crept into my shoulders and chest. I felt the urge to hang up the phone and distance myself from the added tension to my life and simultaneously wanted to jump the first plane to London to dive in headfirst.
“Interesting,” I said, buying time. So Phelps passed my name along after I turned him down, but I hadn’t asked him to. In fact, now that Sarah was back in my life, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My desire to see the world and live in different places had never changed. I just found myself rooted to Savannah after meeting Sarah years ago and never found a way to uproot myself.
“Yes, well, there is an application process to go through, but our board of directors has already looked over your resume given to us by Dr. Phelps, and we like what we see.”
Deborah sounded confident that her superiors or colleagues would be serious about hiring me, which gave me an emotional and mental boost, but it also brought me to my knees. I hadn’t been able to leave Savannah for a job here elsewhere in the United States. How would I leave to move to London?
“Let me tell you, Dr. Lawson, this isn’t an opportunity you’ll see again anywhere else. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. And I know it’s a huge leap, but let me just send you some information about it. You can take your time to look things over. You can even come stay with us for a week or two, get a tour of the hospital and meet the team. What do you think?” she asked, and I felt pressured to give her an answer.
There was no way I could turn her down right now without knowing anything. Besides, Sarah hadn’t committed to a real relationship with me. For all I knew, she might end up dumping me and I’d be alone again. It made sense to at least check it out and see if there was even anything there to be interested in.
“Alright, I can do that. But please don’t use the email address on my resume. You can use my personal email address.” I listed off the information to her. The last thing I wanted was for her to send details to my work email and learn that HR had intervened and read my correspondence. I’d heard how hospital administration liked to treat people who thought of leaving St. Anne’s. Of course, it was just business and they were only protecting themselves, but I didn’t want my job swept out from under me if I didn’t want the job in London.
“Sure thing. Watch your email later this week for all the information, and let us know if you’d like to schedule a visit. All expenses paid…” Deborah was cheerful and confident, and I was anything but.
“Thank you.” My final words before I hung up must’ve come across as short-tempered or forced, but once I realized that, it was too late. The phone was in my hand, and I was staring at it wondering why now, after all this time, did this happen? Was I being tested or something?
“You okay?” I heard, and I turned to see Sarah with her warm hazel eyes and comforting smile. Her hair had been tied up since I left her at the lunch table, and I noticed a hint of a love bite on her neck from our romp the other night.
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Sorry about that at lunch. They were just having fun.” She clutched her tablet and offered an expression of sympathy, but it was I who felt like I should be sympathetic to her—I was keeping a secret from her that might affect her life. That was, if she was developing feelings for me or wanted our relationship to go the same place I hoped it would.
“Don’t mention it. They do it all the time…” I sighed. “Dinner later this week?” I asked, careful to avoid my mistake of asking her to lunch again.
“I’d like that,” she said, but she bit her lip instead of looking happy, and I felt like it was my fault. I was always grumpy and off-putting. Maybe she was just too nice to tell me she wasn’t interested. “I have to run. Chat later.” She looked as if she wanted to touch my hand but thought better of it, and then she walked away and took my heart with her.
There wasn’t really much of a chance I’d take the job in London, not with Sarah here now, but I would investigate it. It made me feel guilty for keeping it from her, but given the fact that she appeared in my life at the same time as the last offer and I passed on that one, maybe this was fate’s way of telling me to stay here. If it piqued my interest, I’d tell her later on—when I had more details, and when I knew whether I actually had a shot with her.
I’d also keep it on the down-low so my current bosses didn’t think I was antsy and wanted to leave St. Anne’s. I did. I always had, but they never knew. Even when I interviewed in California and Canada, I hadn’t told them. So, this would be no different. Besides, if Tammy and Wade found out, everyone would know again, and I didn’t feel like having to explain myself this time.
By the time I got to the scrub room for my surgery, Sarah was already waiting for me. She had my gown and mask ready to go as I scrubbed in, and I waited for the other nurses to leave before I asked, “So… You weren’t there when I got back after that emergency surgery. Is everything okay?” It was late that night, but I”d hoped she’d have stayed. It was one thing I wanted to discuss with her at lunch today.
“Sorry, I should’ve left a note. I had to go home, Michael. I have a daughter to care for.”
She sounded genuinely remorseful, and I realized that ruled out overnights with her until we were at the point that we were ready to tell people we were dating. Including her family or whoever watched her daughter when she went out.
“What’s going on between us?” I asked, but just as I did, another nurse walked in to finish the scrub-in process for Sarah.
Her eyes flicked nervously at the nurse and then back to mine. I realized the chance for that conversation was over, and I finished prepping for the surgery. At some point, though, we needed to have honest conversations, especially now. Who knew what would happen if I visited London and liked it?
One thing was certain. If we hadn’t decided to commit by then, it made it much more likely that I’d just take the job. No way I could stay here, working across a surgical table from Sarah, and not feel gutted every time.