12. Sarah
Igave Emily a big push then ran around her swing, pretending to go beneath her. It drew another round of giggles and squeals from her, especially when Nev reached up and tickled her sides. Emily kicked and wriggled in the safety swing, and Nev and I caught our breath. We’d been chasing her for only twenty minutes, but she had so much energy she may as well have been running a marathon.
“Higher, Mommy!” she shouted, but I had to take a breather.
“Auntie Nev, can you push her now?” I asked, and Nev chuckled.
“How about the slide?” she asked Emily, who immediately agreed. Nev grabbed the swing and brought it to a graceful stop, hoisting Emily out and setting her on the ground. She raced off toward the ladder for the slide, and Nev and I meandered across the mulch bed beneath the playground equipment.
“So, no hot date tonight?” she asked, as had been her habit for the past few weeks. Michael and I had been out a few times, and each time, Nev had asked for details. I told her as much as I could without saying too much, and as little as she needed to keep her entertained and otherwise satisfied.
“Uh, we talked about it earlier in the week, but he didn’t say anything specific.” I hugged my arms over my chest. Despite the warmth of the sun, this September was chillier than normal.
“Huh…” Nev grunted as if she was surprised. Emily whipped down the slide and ran up to Nev, wrapping her arms around her knees and squeezing.
“Again!” she squealed, then added, “You come wif me.”
“One second, baby, I’m talking to Mommy.” Nev patted Emily’s head, and she raced off toward the slide again, then Nev looked at me. “Have you told him?”
I tensed but didn’t show it in my expression. What I did or did not do was none of Nev’s business when it came to my personal relationship with Michael. But it did make me feel guilty for not having told him, especially given the fact that I’d told Nev I was going to say something a long time ago.
“I will. I just need time.” I watched Emily glide down the green plastic again until her feet hit the ground hard. She tumbled forward and rolled onto the grass, then giggled and stood up.
“I go there!” she said, pointing at another playground fixture about a hundred yards away. When she took off running, I grunted in fatigue. There was no way I could run after her. But Nev and I did turn and start walking that direction. The park was wide open with a clear view of everything. I could see her clearly from where we were, so I let her run ahead.
“You know, every second you procrastinate is another nail in your coffin.” Nev sounded like Dad, echoing things he’d said in my past. Except for Dad, it was pressure to find Emily a father figure before her “impressionable years”. For Nev, it meant doom and gloom, a lifetime of heartbreak and regret because I didn’t move fast enough.
I opened my mouth to defend myself, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone waving at me. I turned to focus and realized it was Michael. His gray T-shirt was soaked with sweat. He wore jogging shorts and sneakers, and an oversized set of headphones, which he lowered as he ran up to me.
Nev elbowed me hard and smirked at me, raising an eyebrow as she walked away. I huffed out a sigh and turned to face his bright smile. A contrast from the grumpy expression I’d last seen on his face during scrub-out on Wednesday when we last worked together.
“Hey, Michael. I didn’t know you were a runner…” And I didn’t realize how incredible he looked even when he was drenched in sweat. His biceps stretched the thin fabric of the T-shirt and made me swoon. I remembered how he carried my larger than average form halfway across his house with such ease it made me feel like a queen. I wondered what other sorts of sports he participated in to stay so fit.
“Yeah, I run every Saturday.” He huffed and puffed, catching his breath as he took out his phone and stopped his music. “You’ve got your daughter here?” His eyes scanned the playground equipment behind me, but I nodded across the lawn, thankful Emily was far enough away that I didn’t have to point her out.
“She just ran off over there with my sister.” Nev’s blonde waves were unmistakable, though I was grateful Emily’s dark curls mirrored her father’s. She blended in to the half-dozen children also climbing on the monkey bars.
Michael turned to look where I nodded, but there was no way from this distance that he could spot Emily—or see how much she resembled him, for that matter. I felt a twinge of anxiety, though, when I feared he’d ask to meet her, but he turned and smiled at me.
“You’re a really great mom, Sarah.”
I blushed and looked down, then met his gaze again. “Thanks. I try.”
The laughter of children nearly drowned out my comment as the horde passed us. I started to talk at the same time he did after they were gone.
“So, what about?—”
“I forgot to ask if you’d want to join me tonight…”
He grinned and started again. “I meant… We talked about dinner, but not specifics. I was going to text you when I got home from my run. Would you like to have dinner tonight? I could come to your place.”
Those texts he talked about had been coming every morning to say good morning, and every evening before bed to say goodnight. They were sweet and thoughtful, not at all like his grumpy work demeanor, and I found them romantic. In fact, I found myself swooning over how different he seemed via text message than in person. I knew it was just the stress of the job, or his unresolved emotional issues. Somehow, I knew it was the real Michael, the one he wanted to be all the time.
“I’d like that, but I can’t do my house.” I rolled my lips together and sighed. “My house is sort of… Well… I still live on my parents’ property, and I’m just not ready for that yet. You understand.”
He frowned briefly but said, “Yes, I do understand. But you can bring your daughter… I think you said her name was Emily?”
My heart lurched into my throat and I panicked. Bring Emily? Not a chance that would happen. Not yet, anyway. I would tell Michael when the timing was right, but suddenly, I was realizing that maybe the timing wasn’t right yet. Maybe it wouldn’t be for a while. Maybe I was falling for him and I wanted to enjoy this a little while longer.
In fact, as I looked into his eyes, I started to feel like maybe I wanted to fall in love with him, get so lost in being with him and him with me, that when I finally told him about Emily, it wasn’t a traumatic thing but a wonderful surprise. Nev would think I was stupid and immature, selfish even, but how could I let him just slip through my fingers? And wouldn’t love be the best buffer of all? Cushion the blow of my horrible secret?
“She has to go to bed early. She’s still just a toddler, you know. So, that means I can’t have her out late. Besides, we can’t really enjoy our evening if we have a child along for the ride…” I batted my eyelashes at him, hoping he got the point. And he did.
“Ah, I see…” He smirked at me and leaned forward, pecking me on the lips. “Well, in that case, I guess I’ll have to meet Miss Emily later on. I do hope you’re not keeping her from me for some odd reason. I love kids. That thing at the restaurant was just…”
There was a hint of pain in his eyes, but I reassured him right away. “Absolutely not. Maybe I just want you all to myself a bit longer…” I leaned in and kissed him back, harder, deepening the kiss to more than just a peck, and he reciprocated.
“Saturday, then. My place at seven.” One more peck and he was off, running the path through the park that weaved through the trees.
And I was left alone, feeling the same familiar guilt and regret clamping down on my heart. I looked over at the playground, and Nev was staring at me with a look of disappointment. Next to her were a father-son combo, Dad pushing his boy on the merry-go-round. Michael would be a great father… once I told him all about how I”d lied to him for years. And I was a horrible person, keeping him from that truth so I could selfishly revel in his attention.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just tell him and hope for the best?